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spectacularsoul posted 1/3/2014 17:17 PM

5 days in. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of the responses or advice that I will receive. I have no one to go to. I am hopeless at this point.
I really want to work it out. To forgive. To move forward. Everything is so fragile right now. I am afraid i will do something wrong, I will ruin whatever chance we do have.
I want to share more of my feelings and story. I am afraid he will find this. Again, I will ruin whatever chances we have.

painfulpast posted 1/3/2014 17:20 PM

Hi Spectacularsoul - unfortunately, without some background, giving advice is next to impossible.

Why do you think he'll find this? Is he scouring the internet looking for you?

Are you ok? You sound extremely nervous. Are you safe?

1devastedmom posted 1/3/2014 17:26 PM

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I have been where you are. I read your profile and at first your story sounded so much like mine,but I'm a little confused with the last part, not sure who he's having the affair with (mine was sleeping with hookers). Who is he having an affair with? Why was his Ipad at that girls house (is that who's he's having an affair with)? If you are worried that him finding out that you are talking with people online and it will cause him to leave then you don't need him. That's just a way to control you and keep you from seeking help.

Please tell us more of your story so we can help. The people on this board have been lifesavers to me. I truly don't know where I would be without SI.

cass posted 1/3/2014 18:03 PM


Your profile tells us a lot more than your post. I'm sorry for your situation but glad you found S.I. You are among friends.

It is scary and your fears are understood here. We have all walked your path and can offer advice and support. Share more when you feel you can and are ready. Until then read the Healing Library, upper left, yellow box.

Firstly you're membership here should not be a source of fear for you. If he is truly sorry then he will accept that you need outside support from people who have been in similar situations. That is your right as a person, to seek the help and support you need.

The more you read the more you will understand what is needed/required for moving forward, together or seperately.

He needs to come clean and give you the facts, and he also needs to go NC with this person. You cannot move forward together when there is a third person in your marriage. He is either in or he's out, there is no third stance. Regardless of your fears are you willing to share your H with another woman?

I'm sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear spectacularsoul. I would love to tell you that everything will be ok but the truth is you H is a cheat and cheaters lie.

Keep reading and posting and most of all look after youself and your children. You can take the time to decide what must happen next and whatever you decide we will be here to support you. It would be good to consider IC for each of you and MC for both. Getting legal advice would not do any harm either. You might need to protect yourself and your children.

(((spectacularsoul)))) <--these are hugs to you

RealityStinks posted 1/3/2014 18:10 PM

spectacularsoul -
I read your profile. What you HAVE to do at this point is stand up for yourself. Read up on the 180 in the healing library (upper left). Often times in order to save your M, you have to be willing to lose it.

He cheated. If you sweep it under the rug, he'll do it again. I could write and write about this. I'm going to refrain and wait for more pointed questions.

Hang in there. It will get better with time.

spectacularsoul posted 1/3/2014 22:20 PM

I appreciate all of your comments. I will post my story tomorrow. I do need the support. Thank you.

painpaingoaway posted 1/3/2014 22:41 PM

Sweetie the best advice I can give you right now is to gather all the strength you can muster and come down HARD and FAST and completely unbending in your requirements for R, (if R is what you want). SHOCK and AWE is what you need to blast him with. Get angry. Do not beg him for anything. Make him beg YOU for another chance, not the other way around.

Stay strong. You can do this.

cluless posted 1/4/2014 10:28 AM


I read your profile, I'm sorry that this happened and how hurt/angry you are. I'm guessing from the information I got, that your WH is/was having an affair with a woman. You found him, but was too chicken to come out and face you. Most men are honey, and right now he's scared out of his mind. What is important is for you to get the help YOU need, so you can make the best decisions for YOU AND your CHILDREN. His needs/wants aren't of any concern right now.

There aren't any easy answers. This is a process, a very painful one. Something that was thrusted onto us and we are forced to deal with. But deal with it you must! There are several things you can do right now to give you "some" relief. IF you are having anxiety attacks/insomnia, uncontrollable rage, or the pain is unbearable, you might want to go see your doctor and see what he/she suggests. Secondly, you need to get a book or two and start reading. IT will be extremely painful, but it's work that has to be done. If you aren't already keeping a journal, start that right now. Don't worry about what you write, just let your feelings flow. Right now is NOT the time to make ANY decisions on your Relationship. You have to take care of yourself, try to eat, drink and get sleep when you can. I also recommend counseling, individual and/or marriage counseling. Regardless of what you decide, you will need to go through this with your WH.

Remember, you are not the only one that's going to pay a price for his deceit. You're children are VERY vulnerable to this, and will need you to guide them through this. I don't care WHAT their ages are, it affects them in very profound ways. I was a victim of my dad cheating on my mom which consequently took her life. I had NO idea that I had PTSD from that, then with what my WH did, I have it bad.

Anyway, we are all here for you. Take care!

quoththeraven1 posted 1/4/2014 11:21 AM

Dear Spectacular:
This place is filled with many others who know exactly how you feel. Please listen to them, as under these devastating circumstances it is impossible to make rational decisions on your own. The things betrayed spouses are likely to do insure that worse things will happen to them. Many of us committed to sacrificing ourselves for the "good of the marriage," which only feeds the egos of those doing the devastation. Please hear me on this: when one cheats, he lives in a world that does not exist. Reality is no more; morals are non-existent; they believe they are just the finest two people who have ever lived, and manage not just to excuse themselves, but to turn those who threaten their happiness into ogres. And I promise you, it's not just one of them or some of them, it's all of them. You cannot feed this false universe.
If your husband had attacked you with an ax, would you respond by protecting yourself or by trying to handle the injuries yourself, and making yourself available for further ax attacks? What if he did it with a co-conspirator? This is where you are right now, and you cannot "love and kindness" out of the situation. If it were physical damage, you would seek help from those who had your best interests at heart, and you need to do just that with what has happened to you. The person who is cut and bleeding is not in a position to make rational decisions about the future on her own. In such a case, those who cared about her well-being would do two things: care for her injuries and protect her. Are there people in your life who care about you? Please do not do as I did and try to handle this on your own. It only invites further chopping of your soul.
And please understand, this is not to say that there is no hope for your future. No one can say if your marriage can survive this, but this much I do know: until you let him have it, nothing will change. Oh, it may seem to change, but without the proper consequences, cheaters will not awaken. If it is your desire to have a future with your husband, you must not act out of fear, but of absolute control over the situation. Please believe me, because I failed in all of these things and suffered the consequences. I ignored the advice I was given, and it took me 5 more years of cheating before I woke up and finally said "no more." Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life? If not, the "shock and awe" approach that painpaingoaway mentioned is your only option. I beg of you to please listen to us


spectacularsoul posted 1/4/2014 14:07 PM

Awe crap these are the things I thought I would probably have to do. Thank you ALL for your advice. I have been on SI all day. The information is so helpful, and empowering.

spectacularsoul posted 1/4/2014 14:10 PM

What exactly do you suggest the "shock and awe" consist of?

painpaingoaway posted 1/4/2014 14:55 PM

but this much I do know: until you let him have it, nothing will change
YES! Yes, yes, yes!

My version of shock and awe went like this, (and I do not recommend this at all if children are in the house).

I made his life EXTREMELY miserable (yes, I screamed for 2 weeks) until he finally told me the full truth, (or his version of it, found out later there was more to come). I had a VAR and I recorded every foul word of what he he did with a low life disease ridden whore. Then I accompanied him to his doc, and I made him tell his doc in front of me what he had done, and why he needed to be tested (this was a second round of STD testing). I insisted he have his doc release his test results to me. (He was clean this time).

Over the course of the next week, I saw the 3 best divorce attorneys in our city. I found out what my rights were, and felt very empowered. I prepared to separate, making copies of all important documents.

Then I packed a bag and left. I left the attorney's business cards laying out by the phone.

Then, I went radio silent. For a week, I did not return his calls or respond in any way.

Then I started answering his calls. I was completely emotionless, and answered with yes and no answers.

He cried, he begged, he became so despondent I actually started to get worried about him.

Unfortunately, I found out that my adult children had caught wind of what was going on, so I made him call my 2 adult children, my BFF, and my brother, and explain to them what he had done, and what a lowlife pig he was. They all listened, and then froze him out.

I went another few weeks freezing him out, and then would answer his calls occasionally.

When I finally agreed to see him in person, he fell to the floor and held my feet and begged and begged for another chance.

I agreed, but only with the understanding that we would attend MC, and that he would read every damn book I put in front of him, and fulfill every requirement I needed for R.

He was to no longer be alone or even converse with ANY woman other than friends of the family, and what he had to do for work.

He agreed to everything, and things went well. Unfortunately, only a few months into R my then 20 yr old bipolar son attempted suicide by throwing himself in front of a car, and was seriously injured, and my healing came to a screetching halt as all of our energies were immediately thrown into dealing with our very ill son. Then I became very ill, and it was all we could do just to keep going.

Sadly, TT came out about a year later that the OW was actually a stripper/whore. That little tidbit set me back once again, but was not a complete deal breaker for me.

I still have not really forgiven him, but our marriage is solid, and I feel I am as happy as is possible given the circumstances. He, however, is ecstatic I am still with him, and he tells me constantly how sorry his, and how much he loves me, and could not go on with out me.

Howie posted 1/4/2014 14:57 PM

yes, it is un-believable, it is so terrible. I never knew what pain was until I discovered my wife's affair.I'd say that for six months after, I was destroyed as a person. I'd had no idea, we were happy and sexually compatible. I was faithful.Then the realization, the lies and deceits worst than any sexual aspect. Only mentioned to evidence I've been there. What to say, what advice.
First priority, your health and sanity.Do no harm to yourself.Life will take you beyond this horror.
Others' advice,yes,listen but be aware every situation is different.Do you still love your partner and do you want to save the marriage? Does he? Questions you don't have to answer or have answered right now but which must finally frame your response. Your husband -it need not be right now, must be sounded out, must answer any questions you have, even intimate ones, must sincerely and deeply apologize from sorrow at causing you pain. And,for starters, you must then carefully evaluate his replies. Stay as calm as a you can. Betraying is easy; you are the braver and stronger party.Best wishes.

quoththeraven1 posted 1/4/2014 20:59 PM

Dear Spectacular:
If it is your desire to save the marriage, or at least leave the door open to the option of a real reconciliation, the best advice I have ever seen on the subject comes from Dr. Dobson. Some agree with him on matters in general, others do not. I think the essence of what he advises on this matter seems generally echoed on this sight by those who have been through the nightmare.
You must not beg, plead or bargain. Whether or not you choose to see an attorney or not is of course entirely up to you, but keep in mind that you must protect yourself. If the door opens to reconciliation (the real kind on your terms) you can always call off the process. It seems effective to impress the adulterer that you are serious, and that only happens if you really are serious. There will be no real reconciliation until your husband faces some real consequences.
Keep in mind that there may be some in your life who will encourage you to go back, not recognizing that a third party in a marriage is a matter that cannot be compromised. Such folks are well intended but harmful with their advice.
It may sound trite, but treat eating, sleeping, drinking water and exercise as though they are fuel for getting through the day. Many find it advisable to see a doctor, explain what's going on and allow him to help you. He may prescribe sleep aids or anti-anxiety medication. Let him. He's seen it before, and trust me, this process is more difficult than you realize today.
On another matter, it is important to tell the other spouse if the whore is married. I speak from sad experience here. There are two reasons that this must be done immediately. 1, she has the same right to know that you have. 2, the affair will only continue otherwise. They will have learned their lesson on being careful, and will be much harder to catch in the future. Affairs are all about arrogance, and it will only be deflated if they have to face their crimes publicly. Even that is no guarantee.
Will you have a marriage worth saving someday? No one can answer that, and you yourself don't know the answer to that right now. But in either case, it is imperative that you act rationally and not allow your fears to control your actions. Please know that we who have been there and done that are most sympathetic to you. I and many others here send you our love and prayers

spectacularsoul posted 1/5/2014 09:09 AM

Extremely helpful advise Howie and Raven. Xoxo
Thank you for yours as well paipain!!!

spectacularsoul posted 1/5/2014 09:12 AM

Raven do you have the exact name of the book? He has published about 20 different books, I can not tell which one would be most helpful.

mof2 posted 1/5/2014 09:51 AM

I read your profile and the fear you are feeling about the future is normal. Do your best to focus on your children...they are your priority and they need you so much right now because they are going through it too. It is not conceded to say you are a catch. I spent the first 4 months wondering what I did to make this happen. It took my ex and my ex's mom to convince me that I didn't do anything to deserve this. Sweetie, it is ALL HIM! YOU did nothing wrong. REMEMBER THAT and focus on that. My therapist told me that it is basically like they are "emotionally retarded". DO NOT blame yourself for ANY of this!!!

CATransplant posted 1/5/2014 21:15 PM

spectacularsoul I am sorry to have found that you have joined our ranks. I am truly sorry for your situation. Most of us have been where you now stand. SI is a wonderful place to clear your head and connect the dots. The path you now walk will not be easy but understand that you don't walk it alone. We are with you in spirit.

quoththeraven1 posted 1/5/2014 22:04 PM

Dear Spectacular:
Unfortunately, although Dobson's advice was surely contained in at least one book, that's not where I accessed it. I read it many years before I realized I myself would need it, only filing it away in my mind for my own purposes as a minister (ironically) trying to help other couples. Again, this is no blanket endorsement of all of the advice given by any marriage expert. I will pm you if I can find any further information. In my opinion, you will be well served by taking the advice you are likely to get here seriously. I will PM you with whatever I can find on a search

quoththeraven1 posted 1/5/2014 22:14 PM

Dear Spectacular:
It's "Love must be tough." For what it's worth, I think that the general principles are valuable, although the specifics may vary in particular situations. On this site, a similar process is called the "180." They share, I think, some key ingredients and rationale.

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