Why do you think he'll find this? Is he scouring the internet looking for you?
Are you ok? You sound extremely nervous. Are you safe?
Please tell us more of your story so we can help. The people on this board have been lifesavers to me. I truly don't know where I would be without SI.
Your profile tells us a lot more than your post. I'm sorry for your situation but glad you found S.I. You are among friends.
It is scary and your fears are understood here. We have all walked your path and can offer advice and support. Share more when you feel you can and are ready. Until then read the Healing Library, upper left, yellow box.
Firstly you're membership here should not be a source of fear for you. If he is truly sorry then he will accept that you need outside support from people who have been in similar situations. That is your right as a person, to seek the help and support you need.
The more you read the more you will understand what is needed/required for moving forward, together or seperately.
He needs to come clean and give you the facts, and he also needs to go NC with this person. You cannot move forward together when there is a third person in your marriage. He is either in or he's out, there is no third stance. Regardless of your fears are you willing to share your H with another woman?
I'm sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear spectacularsoul. I would love to tell you that everything will be ok but the truth is you H is a cheat and cheaters lie.
Keep reading and posting and most of all look after youself and your children. You can take the time to decide what must happen next and whatever you decide we will be here to support you. It would be good to consider IC for each of you and MC for both. Getting legal advice would not do any harm either. You might need to protect yourself and your children.
(((spectacularsoul)))) <--these are hugs to you
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)
Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!
He cheated. If you sweep it under the rug, he'll do it again. I could write and write about this. I'm going to refrain and wait for more pointed questions.
Hang in there. It will get better with time.
Stay strong. You can do this.
I read your profile, I'm sorry that this happened and how hurt/angry you are. I'm guessing from the information I got, that your WH is/was having an affair with a woman. You found him, but was too chicken to come out and face you. Most men are honey, and right now he's scared out of his mind. What is important is for you to get the help YOU need, so you can make the best decisions for YOU AND your CHILDREN. His needs/wants aren't of any concern right now.
There aren't any easy answers. This is a process, a very painful one. Something that was thrusted onto us and we are forced to deal with. But deal with it you must! There are several things you can do right now to give you "some" relief. IF you are having anxiety attacks/insomnia, uncontrollable rage, or the pain is unbearable, you might want to go see your doctor and see what he/she suggests. Secondly, you need to get a book or two and start reading. IT will be extremely painful, but it's work that has to be done. If you aren't already keeping a journal, start that right now. Don't worry about what you write, just let your feelings flow. Right now is NOT the time to make ANY decisions on your Relationship. You have to take care of yourself, try to eat, drink and get sleep when you can. I also recommend counseling, individual and/or marriage counseling. Regardless of what you decide, you will need to go through this with your WH.
Remember, you are not the only one that's going to pay a price for his deceit. You're children are VERY vulnerable to this, and will need you to guide them through this. I don't care WHAT their ages are, it affects them in very profound ways. I was a victim of my dad cheating on my mom which consequently took her life. I had NO idea that I had PTSD from that, then with what my WH did, I have it bad.
Anyway, we are all here for you. Take care!
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.
but this much I do know: until you let him have it, nothing will change
My version of shock and awe went like this, (and I do not recommend this at all if children are in the house).
I made his life EXTREMELY miserable (yes, I screamed for 2 weeks) until he finally told me the full truth, (or his version of it, found out later there was more to come). I had a VAR and I recorded every foul word of what he he did with a low life disease ridden whore. Then I accompanied him to his doc, and I made him tell his doc in front of me what he had done, and why he needed to be tested (this was a second round of STD testing). I insisted he have his doc release his test results to me. (He was clean this time).
Over the course of the next week, I saw the 3 best divorce attorneys in our city. I found out what my rights were, and felt very empowered. I prepared to separate, making copies of all important documents.
Then I packed a bag and left. I left the attorney's business cards laying out by the phone.
Then, I went radio silent. For a week, I did not return his calls or respond in any way.
Then I started answering his calls. I was completely emotionless, and answered with yes and no answers.
He cried, he begged, he became so despondent I actually started to get worried about him.
Unfortunately, I found out that my adult children had caught wind of what was going on, so I made him call my 2 adult children, my BFF, and my brother, and explain to them what he had done, and what a lowlife pig he was. They all listened, and then froze him out.
I went another few weeks freezing him out, and then would answer his calls occasionally.
When I finally agreed to see him in person, he fell to the floor and held my feet and begged and begged for another chance.
I agreed, but only with the understanding that we would attend MC, and that he would read every damn book I put in front of him, and fulfill every requirement I needed for R.
He was to no longer be alone or even converse with ANY woman other than friends of the family, and what he had to do for work.
He agreed to everything, and things went well. Unfortunately, only a few months into R my then 20 yr old bipolar son attempted suicide by throwing himself in front of a car, and was seriously injured, and my healing came to a screetching halt as all of our energies were immediately thrown into dealing with our very ill son. Then I became very ill, and it was all we could do just to keep going.
Sadly, TT came out about a year later that the OW was actually a stripper/whore. That little tidbit set me back once again, but was not a complete deal breaker for me.
I still have not really forgiven him, but our marriage is solid, and I feel I am as happy as is possible given the circumstances. He, however, is ecstatic I am still with him, and he tells me constantly how sorry his, and how much he loves me, and could not go on with out me.