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Coachdig10 posted 1/3/2014 18:37 PM

Tired of spending my time thinking my WW is still sneaking around on me. Tired of looking for some sign of this. Tired of thinking about what she did and is not telling me. Tired of being paranoid about what she is doing. Tired of wasting my time with all of this. It consumes so much time. I know that I choose to feel this way and to do all of this. But I am tired of it. I have so many better things to do with my time than this. It would help if my WW would come clean, but that will never happen, so I can either go my own way, or snap out of this. I don't believe anything she says, I don't trust anything she does. She messed up and now I am like this. Such BS. I was fooled 1000 times and vow never to be fooled again. But hate being paranoid and wasting my time. Anyone else feel this way? And has anyone be able to stop wasting their time with these thoughts and actions? My WW could help but refuses. I know it's my fault for allowing that.

cl131716 posted 1/3/2014 19:29 PM

Yes, I definitely feel this way. My WH is the same way. After he swore on our kid's lives that I knew everything he TT'd. So now I am at square one again. It's exhausting but I am getting to the point where I don't even care anymore. He's not offering any more info and I am sick of trying to drag it out of him.

aero1122 posted 1/3/2014 19:53 PM

I feel the same way. I spend all day looking at my WH emails and wondering where he is at work and who he is talking to. I am paranoid all day every day and it makes me sick. I hate feeling like this is my life now. But I don't trust anything he says.

Brandon808 posted 1/3/2014 20:05 PM

My WW could help but refuses. I know it's my fault for allowing that.
By "allowing that" I take it you have established any consequences for her lack of disclosure? Being open and authentic is generally considered to be a requirement of true R as opposed to rugsweeping.

slide095 posted 1/4/2014 08:36 AM

You've been heard. :( I miss the carefree days of not wondering where he is and what he's doing and what's true....
it's exhausting.
Stay strong.

Coachdig10 posted 1/4/2014 13:09 PM

She says she has told me everything. I believe there is much more. As I told her, you wouldn't risk everything for just texting and calling. Can't leave, can't kick her out. Have three kids that need both of us here. So I am just eating it. Have suggested MC and she is open to that.

painpaingoaway posted 1/4/2014 13:13 PM

Ask her to take a polygraph. If she refuses, you have your answer.

painpaingoaway posted 1/4/2014 13:15 PM

Just go to her all excited like, and smiling, and say, "OMG sweetie, I've just figured out a way to end my torment! Yay! You can take a poly! Isn't that an awesome idea, and a quick way for me to get some closure? Ah, I'm so relived I finally thought of that, aren't you?"

RealityStinks posted 1/4/2014 13:34 PM

Coach -
I feel the EXACT same way.

Also, I felt there was more, and almost three months after I discovered the texting and phone calls (she swore that was it, they were just friends, and it would stop) I stumbled up GPS records that her phone had been recording to her Google account. Long story short: she never stopped talking to him and had been going to one of properties 1-2 a week, and continued to, since before I knew about the texting and phone calls. She still expects me to believe they were just friends.

Two weeks after I confronted her with the GPS records, I called the Inn she was at and they confirmed that the other man was registered there that day (I only gave them his last name, and they provided me with his first name). At that point, I told her to get out. I've felt better since except when I talk to her, which is not often and always initiated by her.

I asked her if she would take a polygraph, and she said "no" immediately. That's all I needed to hear.

Your situation is different than mine because of your kids. But, IMO coming from a home where my parents should have D, you are not serving them well if you and your WW are not getting along. Just something to think about.

One last bit of advice: If you gut tells you there is more, then listen to it. I didn't listen to mine on more than one occasion over the past few months, and I regret it. My gut has yet to let me down.

Hang in there man! You're not alone.

lqqk4answ posted 1/5/2014 10:43 AM

Yes, feel the same, and tired of it too, but IMHO I don't think we "chose" to be this way, rather we can only "chose" NOT to be that way. What I'm trying to say is where there is a threat, danger, or pain, we will respond naturally, so how is that a choice? Seems to me our choice is in how we chose protect or handle the threat, danger, and or pain. It like this, you put your hand on a hot burner you are sure to pull it away, can't stop that, will happen every time. However, we can chose to take steps to alleviate the threat, danger, or pain. Maybe we'll change to induction, maybe we make sure the burner is safely off, maybe we avoid burners altogether ... that is where our choice comes in. Just my opinion as I'm not there yet.

happyman64 posted 1/5/2014 11:42 AM

Coach

You cannot control her only yourself.

If you are sick of feeling this way then do something about it.

Setup a good MC and take her. Then right after that go for a polygraph.

Do not tell her until you are in the parking lot.

You will get the truth then I assure you.

HM

jb3199 posted 1/5/2014 12:12 PM

I was fooled 1000 times and vow never to be fooled again. But hate being paranoid and wasting my time. Anyone else feel this way? And has anyone be able to stop wasting their time with these thoughts and actions? My WW could help but refuses. I know it's my fault for allowing that.

There will come a time, if you respect yourself enough, that you will not tolerate her behavior. It is when you say "ENOUGH!!", and you won't live like this any longer, that you will feel a burden lift from your shoulders.

I understand the *trapped* feeling. I had an unremorseful spouse, two kids(one special needs), and not enough income to live two separate lives. But I eventually hit my breaking point, and came to the point that I would rather blow everything sky-high...and deal with the fallout...than to continue like I was. I deserved better.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

So---don't accept what she is giving you. If she isn't willing to restore your trust in her, then what are you fighting for? The children? The material world? Like stated before, you kids would do better with a happy, healthy, single father than a household of distrust and animosity. Show your kids the morals that you want them to possess as they grow. I know---easier said than done---but it is the truth.

Almost all of us have done the hypervigilance at one point or another. It is all consuming....and all draining. You become a prisoner to it. But you can free yourself, and like I said earlier, it starts with you caring enough about yourself to not accept what is not right in your household.

Transparency.
Honesty.
Empathy.

If you can't/won't get these minimums from your spouse, your marriage will continue to die a slow death....even if you stay to try to make it work.

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 1/5/2014 18:04 PM

I've been doing this for a week now, constantly. It's driving me crazy. He swears he's told everything -- looked into my eyes head on and swore to God. I don't know... I still don't believe him or I'd have peace. My stomach is in knots because he refused a polygraph. He said b/c they aren't always accurate. I know it's bullshit excuses..... He's a scientific person, military 10 years and very intelligent so hard to tell is bullcrap or not. I would've been fine with him saying yes, I'll take 1 and we didn't have to go, him being willing would've given me enough peace. Uuugggg!!! My stomach is in knots. I'm about to try and have a conversation with him. I'll let you know how it goes.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 1/5/2014 18:14 PM

180. All of them. Go see an attorney. Start worrying about you and cut them out of your life. Who cares what they are doing? You already know they dont give a crap about you or they wouldnt have cheated.

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 1/5/2014 18:54 PM

HE SAID HE WOULD TAKE A POLYGRAPH!!!! Thank goodness!!!! Now I really feel peace!! He's going to do it to. I'm def following through with it! Yay!!! :)

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 1/5/2014 19:00 PM

That is actually a good sign. Make sure you get all your questions answered.

Howie posted 1/5/2014 19:33 PM

Yep. Part of the cure,sorry to say,is just time. You get tired of it.I was obsessing on her betrayal ALL the time. Yes,even six months later.I was like a vibrating machine, self-destructing. So I had to face it,her treason was killing me and frankly, by then, I didn't want to die. So what helped in terms of pure technique?
I said, I am a man.This is war, its about survival and victory. These obsessions- as a result of HER actions, are killing me. Don't let them win.
I have paid my dues. So I did a mechanical mental discipline kind of thing. Thinking of her and her treason was one mental show or channel I'd seen enough of. I would whenever it came up-change the channel in my mind.It is a kind of mind practice, discipline,its not perfect at first but over time,it worked for me. Devise-you're smart, a technique that works.
Best wishes, my friend.

Getting to Happy posted 1/5/2014 20:03 PM

I said, I am a man.This is war, its about survival and victory. These obsessions- as a result of HER actions, are killing me. Don't let them win.
I have paid my dues. So I did a mechanical mental discipline kind of thing. Thinking of her and her treason was one mental show or channel I'd seen enough of. I would whenever it came up-change the channel in my mind.It is a kind of mind practice, discipline,its not perfect at first but over time,it worked for me. Devise-you're smart, a technique that works.

Be careful Coach. This^^^is called 'rugsweeping'. Please don't do that. You are so new and raw. You must find out what happened in your own life so that you can begin to heal from this shitfest.

There is a reason why you are ruminating...it is because your 'gut' is screaming! You know in your heart that you have not gotten the whole story.

Continue to dig. Do not settle for your WW choosing and controlling your life and history. Do what you can to get to the bottom of her crappy trysts. You must.

You can't heal what you can't feel.

There is no way through this mess except through it. Don't submerge it with fancy mind games. This is real life, not fantasy.

Give your WW real consequences for not coming 'clean' with info. All the info you want. You have a right to know. Don't give that up!

No offence Howie, but this can only work if you 'know everything' that happened. This is not such great advice if the BS does not get the whole story and his 'gut' is screaming...

ScarletBegonia posted 1/5/2014 20:59 PM

I understand completely. I am sick and tired of digging for the truth. My D-Day was 12/6/13 and just today I found the naked pictures he swore to me and our MC just yesterday that he never sent! My gut tells me there is more too. You should get a polygraph...my WH said he will take one but I have my doubts he will pass. The TT's just keep on coming!

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 21:57 PM

I was exactly in your shoes. I wasted 7 month trying to R only to learn my WW was still seeing, texting, sexting, and god only knows with the OP behind my back. I moved out 2 months ago and I feel FREE! Still sad and betrayed, but free from having to worry. Free from the unrelenting obsessing. I initiated the 180D and i am getting better. I even gave her the house and furniture. Let her have all that material garbage. Peace is all u need. At least this is what I did. It did take me 7 months of begging, crying, and pleading, before I built the strength to leave.

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