It’s been a few weeks since I found out about my wife’s affair, but I chose not to share what was happening with anyone. I’ve read through a few books (Divorce Busting, After the Affair, Not “Just Friends”), but am starting to get overwhelmed by the amount of information and wanted to solicit some other opinions.
Here goes…forgive the extended introduction, but I felt that the pattern was important to establish.
My wife and I have been married for 5 years, but had been dating on and off (mostly on) since she was a senior in high school (about 7 years) after meeting at a mutual summer job. The last time things between us were officially on hold was towards the end of college when she said that she wanted to see other people for a while to make sure that I was the right one for her. It was a bitter pill to swallow but seemed reasonable at the time. After a few months she came back and things were good again.
We both graduated from college and I went to graduate school out-of-state. It was only a few hours away and I made a point to drive back many times during the semester and every weekend during the summer. Towards the end of the program she started getting a bit distant, not being around for phone calls, going out with new “friends”. During one of the visits I took her computer off screensaver (it wasn’t meant to be intentional snooping, just casual curiosity) and found her email open. In the inbox were several responses from a Craigslist ad she’d posted, literally saying, “If you take care of me I’ll take care of you.” There was also a message from one of her friends saying that he had to break off the relationship because his wife was growing suspicious. I confronted her with this information and was tearfully told that she wanted to take advantage of her youth while she still had it…she felt that women are seen as less desirable the older they get. She said that she was ashamed of what she’d done and would understand if I didn’t want to be with her anymore. I said that I’d try to understand and that we would get past it.
I finished grad school and we moved in together. Two years later we get married and move into a home we had bought/built in a new subdivision. Two years after that we were pregnant with our daughter. During those first four years together there was a lot of adaption between two people who in the past had avoided cohabitating with others were suddenly thrust into an unfamiliar situation. The biggest point of friction was her being incredibly messy and me being a neat freak. It felt a little like exposure therapy from h*ll, but eventually we reached an equilibrium. There were other things that we argued about, but nothing that seem out of the ordinary even now.
Towards the end of the pregnancy, another coworker from that high school summer job returned to the area and got in touch with my wife. The pregnancy was hard on my wife and she didn’t bond with our daughter right away. At first the former coworker would come over to the house to visit, but as my daughter took to a bottle, my wife began going over to his house. I trusted her and thought it was just an opportunity for her to get away from the stresses of being a new parent. When they started doing things together, I just chalked it up to the two of them having common interests different than what my wife and I shared. Over time she started spending the night, telling me that they tended to stay up later than me and the baby and didn’t like being out that late on the road.
After our daughter was moved to her own room, my wife asked that I sleep in the guest room since I snored and kicked, keeping her up all night. I agreed, since that way we both would be able to finally get some sleep. Since that move we have only had sex once, and that was 2.5 years ago. Over that time physical contact has dried up to the point where she actively asks that I not touch her (that started a few months ago). After our daughter would be put down for the night, she would immediately go to her room and get on the phone with someone (who I now know to be the OM). That started about two years ago. At first I thought it was just her needing some space and that she would eventually come around. I convinced myself that I was being distrustful and that I should have more faith in my wife, even as I sat on the stairs and listened to her laughing on the phone. After that first year of this I asked her if anything was happening between her and the OM…naturally she said no. This pattern of being lukewarm but unaffectionate during the week with the family and disappearing for the weekend continued through this past summer.
Towards the end of the summer she started considering plastic surgery (breast enhancement and liposuction) to the tune of $10,000. It would put a dent in our financials, but not something that was beyond our reach, so I agreed and supported her through the recovery. The OM was supposed to pick her up from the surgery and drive her home, but suddenly the two of them had a falling out and disappeared for several months, only to return as if nothing happened (and with his return so did the routine of disappearing each weekend).
11/16/13 - I confronted her a bit more aggressively about what was happening between her and the OM. She emphatically denied the accusation and said that she was nearly to the point of just not caring what I thought anymore. She didn’t feel any chemistry between us anymore and the only thing we had in common at that point was our daughter. She still loved me, but it was more as like a brother or uncle, which was why she had asked that I stop touching her. Later on she texted (presumably while at the OM’s house) saying that she just isn’t happy with life and not sure what she can do.
12/8/13 - I knew I needed to find proof and that I would find it on her phone, but she and it are inseparable. The only other option I saw was to hack her laptop login, copy the backup for her iPhone, and extract the data from the file. I ended up finding incriminating photos and texts (some of them quite explicit), one set from before the “break-up” and another set after, both of which showed that the relationship was/is ongoing.
12/9/13 – I was looking through the pages of texts from the earlier set of texts when my wife came in and asked what I was working on (assuming it was something for the office). I couldn’t help myself and showed her what I found. We had a fairly calm and frank conversation about things – she admitted that it was going on and claimed that it had been broken off during the break. At this point they were just friends. She called me out for violating her trust by snooping on her laptop and for having horrible timing since the next week we were starting a 14-day cruise with our daughter, during which time we wouldn’t be able to do anything about our situation. She made it a point to say that even though I knew about the affair and it was over (as she claimed), it didn’t change anything that was said the previous month (i.e. no chemistry, little in common). She also demanded that I delete the file.
During that last week prior to the vacation I told her that I wouldn’t try to snoop again, but that I’d hope she’d be more forthcoming in the future. I also said that to hopefully build some trust in the meantime, I unlocked my laptop if she ever wanted to use it.
The following day she confronted me with having saved the second set of texts after which we had another discussion. She admitted that things got kicked off again, but that the reason why the OM had broken things off with her was because she refused to leave me. When I asked if she honestly saw a future with the OM, she said that she didn’t…he was too messed up financially to ever be compatible. She reiterated that she’s torn between being stuck in a boring marriage or leaving it to play the field, but hurt a lot of people in the process. She agreed that after we returned from the cruise she would go to speak with a therapist to figure out what she wanted to do. We both agreed not to take any extreme actions that couldn’t be undone in the future.
The cruise went okay, going from lukewarm to friendly over the days. It wasn’t until the last few nights that things turned. She suddenly decided to start staying out late at night, leaving me in the cabin with our daughter. At that point I was still having problems staying asleep (this starting after the discovery) and was running on 3-4 hours per night. The second night when she hadn’t returned by 1am I went out looking for her and found her chatting with some guy in a bar. We saw each other, waved, and I went back to the room…she quickly followed. My blood was up, so I told her I was going out for a walk and came back an hour later. Things were a bit cooler the last two days after that.
Things have been fairly amicable since coming home, although discussions aren’t in the ballpark of intimate and this no-touching policy is aggressively enforced. I asked if she had looked into finding a counselor yet and she agreed to find someone after the weekend (since most offices would be closed anyway)…I did lose some points for agitating her about the therapist.
My takeaway from all this has been that my wife is anxious about committing to a long-term monogamous relationship for fear of missing out on something potentially better (especially as she just turned 30 a few days ago). She doesn’t see the transition of a high-chemistry relationship into a stable and day-to-day low-chemistry relationship as a positive thing. I’m hoping that the correct therapist might help her in figuring out what direction to go…if it happens to be back my way, hopefully we’ll be able to repair the relationship.
My question for the community is basically the same everyone else asks…now what?
…and my sincere apologies for the length. I’ve been holding back too much too long and it felt good to finally communicate it to someone else.