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Senraba02 posted 1/3/2014 21:20 PM

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[This message edited by Senraba02 at 11:53 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

NoGoodUsername posted 1/3/2014 22:16 PM

It sounds to me like you are telling your BS how to feel, how quickly he needs to get through these problems that you caused and are acting like all he has to do is throw enough techniques at it and the pain of having his life blown up will go away.

Even though I am a wayward, if my spouse talked to me the way you are treating your betrayed partner, we would have a huge argument and it might kick us out of reconciliation altogether.

You might want to ponder why you think it is appropriate to use the imperative form with your betrayed spouse.

Darkness Falls posted 1/3/2014 22:27 PM

It sounds as though you are pressuring your BH, in some of your responses to the point of manipulation.

From those messages, it sounds as though he's doing the best he can given a hellish situation. While I agree that at some point the BS has to meet the WS halfway for R to work, it honestly sounds to me as though he is trying---and in return, he gets lectured on how he's just not trying *enough.*

Senraba02 posted 1/3/2014 22:33 PM

My intention is to not tell him what to do or how quickly he has to do it. We are at 16 mo past DDay
I don't want to be pushy or rushing. Not at all. When he says "I don't know what to do" I want to help. I want to fix it. I want to hear everything you all have to say! Because it will help me to see what I am doing wrong. And I thank you for your honesty.

MC_Jack posted 1/3/2014 22:45 PM

Only WS can post on stop sign threads.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:53 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

SlowUptake posted 1/3/2014 23:02 PM

The generally accepted time span for a BS to work through the devastation and reconcile is 2-5 years.

Looks like your BS is on the 5 year plan. At 16 months you've just begun.

In regards to your 'textathon', all I see is a very convoluted, long winded 'get the fuck over it already'.

By the way, I would caution you to not use texting when having deep & meaningful conversations, so many subtle nuances are lost in the text format which are apparent when communcating verbally face to face.

Clarrissa posted 1/3/2014 23:17 PM

One thing to keep in mind is that, just as you go through your procees at your pace, he's going through his at *his* pace. Yes, you're over a year past Dday and I can understand your frustration at not being as far along as you want to be. But in *showing* that frustration, your BH is hearing "You're going too slow. Why aren't you healing faster?" That's like telling someone who lost a dear loved one that they should be done grieving in a couple days. Your BH is grieving the loss of the M and the wife he thought he had. Let him. For as long as he needs to. Don't push for things he's showing/telling you he's not ready for yet. Patience is what's needed, now and for some time to come.

Senraba02 posted 1/3/2014 23:22 PM

@SlowUptake
I know there is no way to know these things, but my BS has a pretty hard time communicating. Just about the only time he has a "meaningful" conversation it's over text or email. It's because he says it's easier to get his feelings out. I know that the stretch is 2-5 years and I am most likely looking at 5+ IF he will even be able to last that long. My post of the conversation wasn't to have anyone bash the WS or BS but to help me get insight on what I could be doing to better help this healing process. The fuller back story is in another post- but this specific conversation boggled me. Idk what else to do.

stilllovinghim posted 1/3/2014 23:30 PM

I agree with the others. Are you just pushing because he's not giving you the answers you want to hear? Honestly when I read the whole diatribe was the *feeling* that you want this over with, your way. Each person handles these things a bit differently. What if your BS decides not to R but to D instead. He can still make that choice, you know. As well as you. So what then?

What will you do if he throws in the towel? Will you keep working on the M till the very end? Will you decide to make changes within yourself, regardless the outcome? Will you start over with a new relationship?

ETA: something you need to realize real quick is that your partner feels like he's lived a lie, he doesn't know who you really are or what to believe, especially if it's coming from your mouth.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:33 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

SlowUptake posted 1/3/2014 23:40 PM

WS: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BS: (nothing for a while)
WS: How come every single time I've sent my heart, you've responded with a question or something off topic? Not feeling it today?

BS: Same reason it's always been.
WS: But there are times when you can move beyond it. And times you can't. If your not feeling it in that moment that okay. It still hurts me, but I understand. I don't want you to not be able to talk to me. Even last night when I tried to lay on you, and you pushed me away. It hurts. And I'm trying to be as patient and understanding as I can. I just get so upset when I don't feel like you try to do that for me, at all. I'll just stop texting you an give you space.

Your texting him the hearts repeatedly.
He's not responding in kind.
You get pissed that he's not taking any notice of your declaration of love.
You then poke the bear with a stick to get a reaction.
Bear responds with a clear, I'm not in the mood, just drop it.
You then proceed to tell the bear what he's not doing to get over it and how it hurts you so much.
(Frankly at 16 months out he doesn't give a rat's pimply pitoot how you feel, he's too busy dealing with his pain)

Do you see anything wrong here?

What I see is it's all about you and what you want.

Deeply Scared posted 1/3/2014 23:43 PM

Slowuptake...

What I see is it's all about you and what you want.

Jesus, give her a break. It IS about her feelings right now and that's ok. Not everything and every WS needs to push what they're going through aside.

New member = new feelings. Be patient.

Senraba02 posted 1/3/2014 23:47 PM

What will you do if he throws in the towel? Will you keep working on the M till the very end? Will you decide to make changes within yourself, regardless the outcome? Will you start over with a new relationship

In 16 months he had kicked me out and brought me back 5 times. It's not only confusing for me it's also confusing for our kids. I'm not looking for him to quicken the grieving process but to commit to either moving on or moving forward. I know it's not for me to put on a timeline and I certainly don't want to force anything. I guess I'm just looking for anything in him that gives us hope? But all I hear is I can't. It's definitely not about me. Although I am having a very hard time dealing with my own emotions.

Senraba02 posted 1/3/2014 23:53 PM

I'm really trying here. I don't know what I'm doing. I want this to work out so much because I love him so deeply. And though, my A didn't have to happen for me to realize it, it certainly completely solidifies it. I know without a moments hesitation he is the man I want to be with only, for the rest of my life.
I know he is struggling and he has to grieve his own way in his own time. I guess I'm just struggling with little to no progress at all after 16 months. But I'm seeing quickly that 16 months is a blink of the eye in these situations.

Thank you ALL for your honesty and your posts!

stilllovinghim posted 1/3/2014 23:54 PM

So why not stear the boat of recovery in another direction for a while. Stop focusing so much on him and more on yourself- as selfish as that sounds. Try to heal yourself then work on the M. Maybe he'll be more willing to reciprocate once he sees changes in you that are sincere and permanent.

Senraba02 posted 1/3/2014 23:59 PM

@Stilllovinghim

Okay. I will try anything. So, working on me. What exactly do you mean by that? Do you have specific things in mind?
I don't even know where to start.
Thank you!!

SlowUptake posted 1/3/2014 23:59 PM

What I see is it's all about you and what you want.

I am sorry Senraba02, I was being harsh.
Think I'm projecting a bit of my own past poor behaviour.

I need to work on that.

Senraba02 posted 1/4/2014 00:06 AM

@SlowUptake:

Believe me, I know that I deserve not only the support, but the firm truth as well. I didn't take offense to your words, I only am looking to learn here. Learn what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. And if I am wrong, I WANT to hear it.
So, even though you think you were being harsh, and your sincere apology, what you said does have some truth to it. I am thinking only about my feelings and how it hurts me. And how I can move him along. How I can quicken the process. I'm seeing there are no short cuts and that I need to be a hell of a lot more supportive of what it is he is going through. I just don't know what to say to do that.

Thanks for everything!!

stilllovinghim posted 1/4/2014 00:34 AM

Some suggestions and any others reading feel free to add on:
Are you in IC (Individual Counseling) yes? How's it going? What have you learned? No? Then I highly recommend it. If you can't receive IC for whatever reason, a lot of churches have a pastor who will offer counsel. Some places where you live may offer some sort of free or reduced-priced counseling, you just have to look it up.

Something else would be to start journaling. Be honest in it. No one will ever read it unless you give them permission. If you have 5 mins to jot down some thoughts, go ahead. If you have an hour, etc whenever you have a chance and you will start to uncover some little nuggets about yourself; only if you're 100% honest! Go back later and re-read. See the changes and struggles and triumphs within yourself.

Another thing I suggest is to set some time aside at least an hour a week (I don't know how hectic your schedule is) for some YOU time. This can be a walk, a bubble bath with a glass of wine, a facial, get a massage- same-gender
Not the kids. Just YOU. Its not a terrible thing to do. Its healthy and it will help you realize you need to relax and you do deserve a break from life.

There's also a ton of books that offer great advice. "Not Just Friends" & "5 Love Languages" to name the ones off the top of my head...

Anyway,I hope some of this helped. Take what you want & leave the rest.

SlowUptake posted 1/4/2014 01:43 AM

Just about the only time he has a "meaningful" conversation it's over text or email

My suggestion would be as I said before, no deep and meaningful texts.
Email as Hobson's choice, because he's not comfortable with verbal.
The reason I say that is when formulating an email response you have time to really think.

Ask yourself these questions when you proof read your response before sending it.

Is this just about me & what I want?
Am I considering the pain he's in right now?
Is he just wanting reassurance not an essay on the state of our relationship?

I'm sure you can come up with a few of your own.

I think emailing might be a good thing for you also, for another reason

And sometimes I just fly off the handle and get just as negative.

I wish you well.

Tesseract posted 1/4/2014 09:10 AM

Sorry, Deeply but I agree with Slow here. That entire conversation was making me cringe. The tone in and of itself is kind of mind-boggling to me. I read through the back story in your earlier posts, and I am sorry that you are having a hard time and that your husband is having a hard time moving on and finding the will to work on it.

There's something that my wife and daughters have told me that perhaps will help you: it isn't your job to determine what I do with it (reject or accept); it's just your job to offer [affection/love/etc.]. The idea is to offer your love without expectation of it being immediately reciprocated. To trust yourself and your husband enough that you can give him that and live with either response, hoping that the effects are cumulative and add momentum to what you are trying to rebuild.

I understand that when you offer and are rejected that it hurts. I don't think that really justifies telling him how he should feel. It doesn't come across to an outside party as you trying to help him so much as it sounds like you're frustrated that his response isn't what you want. It comes across as the polar opposite to things you yourself have said in previous posts, and I understand that. I've certainly acted in ways entirely at odds with things I've professed here and to my spouse on innumerable occasions in frustration and pain and fear.

All that said, the ups and downs that all of the couples here go through seem to be pretty extreme for you two. Having the divorce (and giving up everything) and then being kicked out five times in sixteen months is not okay, just from your personal safety standpoint. It can't be easy working on other things with the constant threat of having to possibly sleep in your car (especially in winter in Ohio!). I think you two need to define a long term plan that you can both live with that doesn't risk your personal safety.