[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 7:44 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]
First off, no, you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. No one does. Yes, you made a crappy, destructive choice when you cheated but that doesn't mean your BS gets an automatic pass to treat you like crap.
Second, have you considered the idea he may be cheating himself? What you've said about your BHs behavior is almost textbook wayward - belittling you, picking fights, never being satisfied, etc. If this is the case then he's doing it to distance himself and to justify what he's doing. And the fact that you had an A yourself gives him that much more ammo. I hope I'm wrong about this but his behavior is raising a lot of red flags.
Again, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Continue working on you for *you*. Not him or even your kids. If *you* are healthy, it's good for them as well. And remember, even as a WS, you have the right to say "Enough! I know I f*cked up but I do NOT deserve this treatment." You CAN pull the plug on the M. I know you don't want to but in this situation you *should* think of yourself first. No one deserves abuse.
Keep posting. Others will be along to help. Hang in there, do the work on yourself to get healthy and know we understand.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
So, we reconciled, and everything was fine for awhile.
What is it exactly that you & your BS did to achieve such an amazing result as full reconciliation in such a short space of time?
I'd like some tips, because I've been 'not divorcing' in a sexless marriage for four years so far.
I'll get serious now.
Your certainly in a tough spot.
My take on it is you actually haven't reconciled at all.
I think perhaps you and your BS are confusing rug sweeping with reconciliation.
I believe your BS is still full of rage & resentment and you don't seem to be fully owning your cheating.(I see the words but I'm not feeling the remorse, maybe he doesn't either)
All you can do is work on yourself if your BS is not interested in really reconciling.
At some point you are going to have to make a decision.
I hope you find serenity in whatever you choose.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:40 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
Well, I thought we reconciled. That is what I meant.
He said he forgave me and I thought well okay then and I appreciated it.
I have a question for you.
Do you think that continuing the path you're on is showing your children a healthy example of a relationship? You are setting them up for a lifetime of FOO issues for themselves. They will grow up in the dysfunction of, "Dad sleeps in the barn, Mom takes care of the house, yes...this is...normal. I'm gonna do this when I grow up because my parents modeled it for me and it's all I know."
Look, I totally get that you pay for everything and you've put alot of blood, sweat, and tears into the marital home. But at what point do you cut your losses, and find health and happiness? At what point do you stop with having to be right and getting what's yours, and look at the health and safety of the children that are in your care? kwim?
I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry life sucks. And you may not want to hear this, but I have to say it. You still have choices.
ETA: Ok, just saw where you're going to an attorney. Ignore me. Still not awake yet.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:54 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:01 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:41 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
My mother died a year ago and left me the money to buy this place. If I had known then what I know now, I would never have bought it. I just feel so ripped off. First I lose her and due to her generosity, I have a place to live that is mine. I don't know if I can just walk away from it. To me it would be slapping her in the face. Gee Mom see what a fuck up I am. Now DH has the results of the money you worked your ass off to leave me.
He honestly does not think I deserve a penny out of it. That this is my payment for doing something stupid.
He would probably be happy if I were dead too. I had a cancer scare awhile back and not only would he not be supportive of me and go with me for the scan, he called my cell phone constantly whining because it was taking so long and he wanted to go out somewhere.
Oh hell I don't know what to do. If I move out, I will sit in my little apartment and be miserable because he gets to live in the house my mom's slow painful death from cancer paid for. And I am sorry to be a bitch, but even though I did what I did and it was terrible, HE does not deserve a fucking house out of it while I reside in an apartment or trailer, with our kids.
Yeah, that is another thing. He wants full custody of our kids too. Apparently a slut like me is a worthless piece of shit mother too.
I don't know, but I think I have more than paid my debt for my horrible decisions.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:03 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]
Keep detaching and looking out for yourself. I'm glad you are going to see a lawyer soon. Baby steps. You're getting there.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I know now that no man really ever loves a woman. We are to be mistreated and used for whatever they can get.
I was not the submissive little church mouse he so desired. So therefore I am worthless to him.
I will never ever trust another man as long as I live. Yes, I know I have no right to be indignant, but dammit why did he have to mistreat me and use me? Why, if he were so miserable with me, did he just not divorce me years ago. Nope. Instead he had to show what a man he is.
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
If he ever gets violent again the police will be called.
Boy I hope you have some evidence of previous violence, cause that's going to go down well when/if he tries for full custody.
On a more serious note.
He does not think that he is within the law but above it
I am concerned for your safety.
It is not like I want to just kick him out on the street. I just don't appreciate being told that I don't deserve what I paid for.
I have a police report from when he decided to act like he was going to pull his gun on me in front of our son.
I just read your back story and it sounds very, very similar to mine. Sexless marriage, high school sweetheart etc. I wanted to say that my DDay happened while we were in couples therapy. I think that was the best thing for my husband and I. My therapist quickly established boundaries.
My husband was allowed to be mad but there were certain things and certain lines that could not be crossed. He could be mad and angry and sad and etc but he wasn't allowed to abuse me in the process.
We also agreed that he needed to decide to stay or go. I was very ambivalent about whether he stayed or went and got a divorce and I think she understood and recognized that. She also (and this is going to be controversial on this site) agreed with me that the affair didn't happen out of thin air.
That being said, we separated the issues. We worked on our marriage and I worked with her alone on my issues with the affair. He ended therapy and he has his moments but the ground rules laid in those opening moments were a life saver for our marriage.
I am still working on me and I still have a long way to go but I wanted to say that a lot of what you write rings true to me.
Married 8 years.
DDay: March 2012
Counseling is a no go for him because according to him, he has no problems. Everything that is wrong in his life and that has gone wrong in our marriage is all my fault. The one time we tried counseling, he stopped going because I did not grovel enough and did not sing his praises.
If I would just change, he always said, then he would give me love and affection. If I would just keep the house cleaner and do everything here and for the kids, while he just brings home a paycheck. Then maybe he will give me the privilege of his love and affection then. But see, I have done all that is asked and then some and still, nothing.
I sit here because I guess I am stupid and hope that he might decide I am not worthless. But I have got to get myself together and decide once and for all, what I have to do, because I am tired of crying and walking on eggshells.
Of course, once I move out, if I do, he will whine about how he doesn't have as much money and how I have it so easy because he will have the children most of the time. (if he keeps the house because I refuse to uproot them) He will drive by my place and make sure I am alone. He will make sure no one ever wants me again...he told me that. So basically it is stay or go, I will still be mistreated and my kids told I am a whore or whatever. I won't win until either he dies or I die. He hopes it will be me, probably.
So for now, I am going to act like he doesn't hurt me. I am going to work my job and take care of the house and kids and not even attempt to talk about anything with him anymore, that does not pertain to the kids or basic stuff. I am going to find an attorney to speak to and I am going to make my decisions once and for all.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 3:28 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]