Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

A new low

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

kmom2662 posted 1/4/2014 14:14 PM

3 months from d-day and things were going pretty well: transparency, NC, IC for both of us, lots and lots of talking and reading. Last week H contacted the BW of my AP and informed her of the A. That night, H wanted to know more details about the content of the emails we had been writing. I answered his questions, with the omission of one fact that I thought would be particularly upsetting. Before, I would have tried to keep it quiet and hope he would never find out, but I wanted to come clean because of how terrible our period of TT had been. I spent a day or two getting my nerve up and told him this morning. He was devastated again. It feels almost as bad as the first two weeks after d-day.

He thinks I only admitted it because i think the OBS will tell him things she found, so I am trying not to be caught. I was actually, in a way, glad that omitting it bothered me so much that I had to tell him; it felt like the beginnings of growing a conscience and wanting to have a really truthful relationship. But, he doesn't have a reason to think anything but the worst of me and my motives, so he thinks I'm just covering my ass. Maybe I'm fooling myself and that's what it really is anyway.

3 months to the day of being in Hell, both of us.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 2:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

authenticnow posted 1/4/2014 14:30 PM

Who knows what it really is, kmom? It could be a little bit of both. This is a process, for sure. I remember the feelings of being torn and 'growing that conscience' but being so afraid of the fallout of telling. It's a catch-22 but really, we know we must tell for true healing.

The stage you're at is such a nightmare. I get a stomach ache just thinking about it.

So, you're right. Your BH doesn't know your intentions and has no way of knowing except for the blinding and devastating pain you've caused him---that's what he's going on. Which means all you can do is be completely authentic and honest from now on, no exceptions. You don't get to choose what to tell and what not to. You have to let go of the outcome and be real, consistently.

If there is anything else, now is the time to get it all out.

I am sending you strength and hugs.

kmom2662 posted 1/4/2014 14:40 PM

Yes, stomachaches are my symptom of choice too. I was nauseous and/or throwing up regularly for a while after d-day and I think it will be that way again. But, I think that's all there is to tell, finally. No more secrets, even about little things, not anymore.

Thanks for the strength and hugs. This is horrible.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 2:42 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

authenticnow posted 1/4/2014 14:43 PM

No more secrets, even about little things, not anymore.
That's good. And I promise you will feel lighter and healthier before you know it.

It is horrible but you will get through it. Just try to be patient and kind to him, talk to him honestly, and dig your feet in.

kmom2662 posted 1/4/2014 15:54 PM

Thanks, I just got a text he's in abar drinking, too angry to talk to me. All i can do is bite my fingernails and pace. I'm afraid to face him when he gets back.

bobf posted 1/4/2014 15:58 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:01 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

AchillesHealed posted 1/4/2014 16:14 PM

Congratulations on coming clean and telling him everything. I know from experience how hard that is to do.

Follow his lead when he gets home. Let him be alone if he wants to. Let him rant or sulk. If he wants to talk, tell him your motivation, that you're trying to continue the openness and transparency. He might not believe you right away, understandably, but you're doing all the right things now.

Sending strength... Xx

kmom2662 posted 1/4/2014 16:58 PM

If he comes home. I'm not even sure of that.

SlowUptake posted 1/4/2014 18:44 PM

Here we are thinking we've done such a great job by finally coming clean, because we're looking at it from the 'glass half full' lense only to realise that because of our actions our BS is looking at it through the 'glass completely empty and thrown against the wall to shatter into a thousand pieces' lense.

It sucks big time for all.

Keep at it, the more effort you put in, the better it gets.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:48 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Senraba02 posted 1/4/2014 19:17 PM

What I've learned from my BH is that every time new information is learned he has to relive the pain of finding out all over again. When this would happen it would usually take 2 days minimum before he seemed to plant his feet back on solid ground. Then he'd ask another question and my answer would send him reeling again. Trust me, trickle truth is not the way to go. And omitting is just as bad. Trust in him. He is still there after learning you aren't who he thought you were. He is still there even after you shattered his whole world. Giving him all of it. Everything. Every detail he needs/wants- let him process it and from there start rebuilding. If anything is left out you'll just end up looking over your shoulder all the time wondering when it'll come to light. And then he will have to start his process all over again. And that can be too much to handle for some people.
We're all here for you!

kmom2662 posted 1/4/2014 20:34 PM

Thanks everyone, he's on the way home. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

authenticnow posted 1/5/2014 06:27 AM

Sending support to you and your BH.

kmom2662 posted 1/5/2014 15:12 PM

Yes, exactly. I think I was seeing it as progress on my part, that the omission didn't sit well with me so I wanted to make it right. H, however, justifiably sees it as having lied in the first place, after so many other things he has had to forgive me for.
I think I've managed to make the worst choices, in he worst ways, with the worst timing.

After a terrible, terrible night, things are stable for now, and I think we will be able to keep moving forward in R. And I am glad to (finally) have nothing to hide.

Thanks to all of you for getting both of us through the last 24 hours.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 3:13 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.