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literally - where did you go after you found out??

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3birds posted 1/4/2014 15:53 PM

So here's my question. Literally and physically where did you go after you found out?? did you stay in the house with him/her? did you move out? stay with friends for a while? hotel?

he wants me to come back home, stay in separate bedrooms but he thinks we need to be under the same roof.

i don't see that happening. i think it would be so awkward and like being a prisoner in my own home. but on the flip side....the thought of finding a new place to live is just too much to bare. packing, moving, being alone.

we don't have kids at home so don't have to worry about that. so what did you do and what would you recommend for me??

wanttogoforward posted 1/4/2014 16:04 PM

Do whatever you are comfortable with... we are all different!
I for one stayed in the house but internally I went out of my mind... it was like my heart was literally broken and there was an empty hollow shell left. I was in a fog and a stupor and barely functioned. Still feel that way some days when I have a bad day.

Only do the things that make you feel safe and right with the world. Right now your safe feelings are the most important thing for you.

ACRC posted 1/4/2014 16:08 PM

First night, we stayed under the same roof in separate beds. By the second night, I kicked her out and she stayed with friends.

3birds, you did nothing wrong. You should not leave. Your wayward should be the one to figure out where to stay. You should stay home.

naivegirl posted 1/4/2014 16:21 PM

I stayed. The first night I kicked him out. Then he came back for a few weeks until he found a place to stay. While he was here he slept on an air matress on the floor.

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/4/2014 16:32 PM

My ex was already giving me the silent treatment and I was at work and saw escort charges on his credit card. I told my boss and went home to pick up divorce papers I had ready because I already suspected. My attorney would not get him out of the house so I did 8 months of in house S where we literally avoided each other. Several times I stayed at safe house to avoid the abuse he gave but I never have up & got my house in the divorce & changed the locks so fast, bagged all he left behind. Make the guilty party move out or he might move the OP in.

wifehad5 posted 1/4/2014 16:47 PM

I found out standing in our kitchen. She went to talk to him on the phone, and I got our 3 month old son out of bed and sat on the couch hugging he and his sister.

steadfast1973 posted 1/4/2014 17:09 PM

To the computer and here, to my support system at SI. He went back to work. Then, i went to an awards ceremony at my DD10's school, cheerleading, then had him meet me at her honor roll banquet. I'd gone to everyone alone... He was not going to get out of parenting. No way. He was to sleep on the futon in the office/guest room... But, I went for a drive and processed some stuff. he confessed, I had barely a clue...

41andthankful posted 1/4/2014 17:17 PM

I took my baby to a hotel. It was the last night I slept through the night. I knew something was going on and went crazy trying to find out what. Once I go my proof I felt so much peace, I was just glad to finally know.

toomanyregrets posted 1/4/2014 17:22 PM

I left the house and went did something I hadn't done in 6 years, I got drunk.

I managed to get home at 5:30 AM and she was waiting for me. "I was worried about you, I still care about you". Yeah, she cared so much that she cheated on me.

The next day she said she was leaving and going back to her parent's house and taking our two daughters with her. Two days later they were gone.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 2:22 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

jstbreathe posted 1/4/2014 17:41 PM

I went straight to my bed and cried my heart out for literally 3 days and nights. Didn't eat or drink anything. Spoke to no one, including him. He however, stayed in the spare room. I stayed in this state of shock and disbelief until my sister flew in to rescue me. Thank god for my sister.

After witnessing my complete and utter devastation, the person who professes to love me more than anything or anyone, continued his affair with said Ho for another month or more.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.

Skan posted 1/4/2014 18:17 PM

I stayed in my house and my FWH went back and forth sleeping in our bedroom or in the guest room or on the couch outside of our bedroom dependent upon if I could stand to be in the same room with him or not. Were I to do this over again, I think that I would have moved him to the guest room (we have no children either) and had one room in the house that could be my private refuge for many months.

Siouxsie posted 1/4/2014 18:18 PM

We were living separately, WH living away for a job.

I found out one time when on a trip with my friend, and the other time when laying in bed.

Right after both times I started chain smoking, didnt speak, didnt eat and barely slept for days. Both times it took me about a week to say something to him. I unfortunately never got to confront him about it in person.

Neithan posted 1/4/2014 18:23 PM

I went to an AA meeting.

My world had been blown apart but I knew I didn't want to drink over it.

And I still haven't.

I never kicked her out of the bedroom, but perhaps I should have.

somanyyears posted 1/4/2014 18:24 PM

.."CRAZY".. but you can't find it on a map!!!

..still trying to find my way back home.


BrokenMomof2 posted 1/4/2014 18:34 PM

My WH was out of town for work training when I found out so I had about a week before he came home. Initially I told him to stay with a friend or get a hotel but when he came home I didn't want him to leave. He slept in our bedroom with me most the time but it was easier since he was gone a lot for training, only home a few days every other week.

Mentally/emotionally I was gone, barely functioned enough to take care of my kids

Everyone is different, only do what YOU feel comfortable with.

kernel posted 1/4/2014 22:00 PM

I was at home and I stayed there. He had already abandoned me - the marriage, the house, the pets, everything. I just didn't know why until four months later. Unfortunately, my youngest DD was in the room with me when I got the call from the MOW's family and overheard it all. She was home from college.

You should do what feels safest for you. Definitely consult a lawyer in order to protect your rights and assets in case he takes advantage of your absence.

Harriet posted 1/4/2014 23:21 PM

I crawled into my daughter's bed, but I didn't sleep. When she woke up she thought it was wierd, but I just told her I liked her mattress.
I just felt like I had to be near her.

MammaMia posted 1/4/2014 23:32 PM

I stayed home. I thought he would go NC after the initial confrontation but when I realized this was not happening, I moved out of the bedroom into the guest room. We remained sleeping in separate beds for about a month. Then we were going on a long trip and I had no choice but to sleep in the same bed with him. Being away from her with no email or phone contact for 4 months, helped him get out of the fog. Had we not gone on a trip and had he continued contact, honestly, I do not know what would have happened.

Jen posted 1/4/2014 23:56 PM

Well ...

When I found out I was at work. At the time I worked for juvie correction place, I was on the girls wing monitoring the showers. I got a text on my phone. I'm fucking *Xh's name*. Sent from whores phone, by her FBH. I had no idea he sent it, no one would answer my frantic texts or calls. I could not leave the floor, security is a big issue specially during showers.

Once I could get off the floor I called Xh and he confirmed it, over the phone while I was at work. I had an out of body experience, I screamed, cried your basic complete melt down right there. Then I went into a numb trance, I stared, I moved, I spoke ... But it was not me, *I* was like floating above myself watching me. I left work and drove the 45 min to the house.

He was not there, refused to tell me where *he* was, he said they were together never told me where. I proceeded to destroy the house. Anything not permanently attached was ripped, thrown, broken, shredded, slammed, kicked, punched you name it I did it. There was a sea of glass everywhere, pieces of broken things, looked like a hurricane had come through the house.

Xh was so kind as to send a mutual friend over to check on me, he had no clue what to do, just watched me rant and rage and break things. Screaming and crying the whole time. Really truly an out of body experience. I threw some stuff into a suitcase, very random things, just whatever I saw I put in there, no rhyme or reason to it, if I saw it and it was ok after my tirade it went in the suitcase. I threw it and Charly(dog) in the car, stopped and bought a pack of cigarettes and started to drive the hotel parking lots.

I was on a mission, I was determined and I was serious, calculating. It was very lucky for me I never found them, someone somewhere was looking out for me, I thank for that everyday. I made it to my moms and at the sight of her with her arms open tears streaming down her face I lost it. I went into a deep dark depression, I didn't sleep, didn't eat. I went through the motions but I was not there, I don't know where I was.

Anyway, here I am ... I had to move out of state for my safety/sanity and their safety. I have been in OK since Nov. 2009. From Aug. 2009 till Nov. 2009 we - well I tried to R the M but he never stopped contact with her. When I found that out I went over the deep end again. I sat outside of his new place he rented and called/text constantly - she was there and he was protecting her. The fucking cowards, he actually threatened to shoot me if I came on the porch. I should have then it would have escalated to a domestic and the cops would have come and arrests been made. They would have lost their jobs, I may have been shot or worse.

Thankfully I did not approach the house I stayed in my car. But I felt their fear, and I know they felt my resolve.

Anyway(again) I am here in OK and slowly ever so slowly I am finding myself again. It is not easy, and it takes time. But you do come out of it, there is light to be found again. You can and you will survive this.

Whore was a close friend, maid of honor in my wedding, her Xbh was best friends with my Xh since 7th grade, each was best man in the others wedding. We were god parents to their 2 boys. Our lives were intertwined, we vacayed together, spent holidays together, just hung out on a random day. Our families parents, siblings ect they were all close - so much destroyed, so much lost for what ??? Some whore who promised she could give you what I was lacking ???

I'm rambling - Point is - do not do anything rash, just breathe, go be with someone you can trust and just breathe. Please do not act like I did, if things had gone just a little differently I would not be here, either I be in prison or a grave.

I did not find out about SI till Dec. 14, 2009 I was already in OK and trying to heal. SI was like cooling, healing balm to my tattered beat up self. I was so overwhelmed and thankful for this place, I signed up right away, and have never once thought twice about it. I am thankful, greatful everyday for this site and the struggle that the mods go through to keep it. What a sacrifice it was for it to start, it came from a place great loss and hurt, and has turned into a place of love, hope, faith, healing. MH & DS or proof enough that good things can come from great despair/heartache - they made it, and then they made a safe place for others to make it also, either as a couple or a single. Thank you.

Anyway(again) I'm rambling again. All you have to do is breathe, just breathe.


eta --- spelling

[This message edited by booger bear at 12:02 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

tonic0405 posted 1/5/2014 00:29 AM

I received an anonymous piece of mail with a copy of an email my WS sent to OW describing our marriage and his love for her. I left my office, drove to his office in complete devastation. I barged in, read him the email, slapped his face and then went to our home, packed a bag and moved in with my sister for 4 months. I am reclaiming my home tomorrow. WS is leaving in order to give the space I require. For me, separation was mandatory. Leaving home was also mandatory because home felt like part of the illusion I had been living. Now, I need to be there to have the privacy, alone time and the sanctuary I so desire. Find your peace and be there, wherever it may be.

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