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A startling conversation PT.2

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Senraba02 posted 1/4/2014 18:31 PM


[This message edited by Senraba02 at 11:35 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/4/2014 19:39 PM

I understand you are looking for help. I must ask if your BH knows that you are posting these conversations on here. If he doesn't, then I need you to consider how he might feel if he were to find out you were sharing his feelings so openly. Is he a member of SI? If not, I would encourage sharing the site with him so that he may get the support he needs as well.

Mrs Panda posted 1/4/2014 19:48 PM

My thoughts are

1. Stop texting! Have real human interaction and face to face talks, for goodness sake. Texts are emotionless and a terrible way to misinterpret. Also, a great way to overthink and plan your answers.

2. You still are not in the "I have to fix MY shit" mode. You SHOULD be afraid of repeating this mistake. Because many of us have. Because we didn't change anything except a superficial promise. We white-knuckled it. We didn't figure out how to fill the holes in ourselves, by ourselves.

You want him to fix him, yet you said nothing really about you other than promises, promises. And then you always redirect back to him " not giving his whole heart, not giving you what you need"

He can't. At least not now. Let that sink in. He said it.

And I have no faith that at some point you will succumb again. Somehow someway you will be in a situation and you'll just do what you did then, rationalize that I don't love you, I'm not giving you what you need, you deserve better... All the things you and he told yourself then to justify. And you know what, it wouodnt even be as bad this time because of the way I've been. It will be so much easier for you to cross that line. In many ways I've basically said I can't get over this. You will easily find that justification to be unfaithful again. I know you say otherwise, but you can only take so much. And you rightfully deserve more than I've been able to give you. More than I might ever be able to give you.

Read this again and again. This is 100% true and there is nothing you can say or promise to make him feel differently. Only true change and actions (not texts!!!) will help. He may one day trust you again. But it won't ever be 100%. 99% at best. You have to become strong enough to be able to live with that, or less. You have to buck up and not be so needy,

So, what are you doing to fix You?

PS I hope I am not being too tough, you are a newbie and I think you have great potential or I wouldn't be typing away instead of reading my new book.

SlowUptake posted 1/4/2014 20:10 PM

Mrs Panda nailed it.
I would add.

Honey, I DO understand that! And yes, there is a huge obstacle for you to give your full heart to me. But you will.

Keep saying that he will "give your full heart to me" and I guarantee he won't.
You never, never tell him what he is going to do.
You're making demands of him.
You are in no position to do that.
You really need to find your humble.

I know that right now my words don't have value to you. But I'm hoping my actions and showing you do

Yet the words keep coming.

There is a lot to be said for quiet achievment.

I know your trying. Keep at it.

Senraba02 posted 1/4/2014 20:11 PM

@Mrs Panda

I can't stop texting him because it is the ONLY way he will talk to me right now. And if I don't reply, he gets so furious and then literally won't interact with me at all. Trust me, I don't want to text.

I know he is being honest about his feelings.
And I am being honest about mine. Many people may reoffend, but I have been to IC and I have found the reasons why and what I need to do to fix me. What I don't know is how to help him! He refuses any kind of IC or MC because he says anything he learns in there he already read or listened to, or searched. He says he doesn't want to learn methods about tricking his brain.
Though he is a member of his own help site- and suggested I do the same.
I am by no means a better person yet. But I am getting there. Not only am I seeking IC and in a group I am taking everything in and consciously applying it to my life. All aspects.

stilllovinghim posted 1/4/2014 20:13 PM

WOEZ & MrsP are spot on. He needs to see you changing for you no matter the outcome. He asked, I believe more than once, how could you do this? Why didn't you stop? You redirect each time. Honey, look at the things he's asking you. I swear if you're 100% honest with yourself and him, you'll figure out why and I bet you anything it will change the tides. Those are incredibly important questions which deserve answering.

As far as the texting, I'd stop and start writing. Some folks find it easier to get it all out on paper. They can collect their thoughts, etc. Once you write it all out, along with a timeline, give it to him. Some members here were able to spill the beans by indirect ways but not dishonest or impersonal ways. I know of at least one person here who spilled it all out in front of her H with her eyes closed. I hope this is making since. You seem intelligent and eager to learn and repair. Just start working on You now. Not him, the M, YOU.

ETA: I think we cross-posted so I apologize if I seem like I'm not listening

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 8:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Mrs Panda posted 1/4/2014 20:27 PM

I can't stop texting him because it is the ONLY way he will talk to me right now. And if I don't reply, he gets so furious and then literally won't interact with me at all. Trust me, I don't want to text.

Oh give me a break. 13 year olds text love messages and hearts. You are over 30. This is your marriage. Break these rules that you imply and simply call or arrange a time to talk.

Your marriage is drowning in excessive texting and lack of communication.

There is this dynamic to the conversation. He reveals something, then you come back with "yes I understand, but..."
And always you come back to what you need, and trying to direct his healing. How he isn't trying enough, isn't good enough (that's what he hears).

Maybe he will never recover. But allow him to and don't badger him about it.

Try this. 30 days do selfless things for him, without expectation of getting something back. If you have not read The Five Love language yet! it helped me a lot. And a quick read.

stilllovinghim posted 1/4/2014 20:33 PM

The 30 day suggested by MrsP is excellent. Have you heard of a movie called "Fireproof"? I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but even if you're not please watch this movie. The religious stuff is there but not at a brow-beating pace. It's such a good movie and very helpful.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 8:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

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