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PhoenixRising88 posted 1/4/2014 19:50 PM

that I really don't think the piece of strange I busted STBX sweet talking on 12/22/11 was the only one.. I now feel that there was at least one more.

About six months after that D-day he was somewhere in OK panhandle. I caught a flight to Amarillo and got a rental car and drove up to surprise him.

And got the absolute strangest look from the desk clerk when I got to the hotel....Showed her my ID so I could get a key to the room. Really didn't think much of it at the time to be honest...

As I've had a bit to drink tonight while I am journaling (part of my IC) I finally, thanks to amaretto allowing my brain to kinda drift where it will, went - OMG. I think he had someone else with him up there at some point before I arrived, and just happened to get lucky and her leave in the nick of time. AFTER he broke my heart six months before. AFTER he came home and cried and swore it would never happen again blah blah WOH WOH WOH...

That no-good bald-faced lying motherfucker. I haven't regretted filing and moving out and with little jewels of knowledge like this knitting themselves together when I'm not prepared for them, I NEVER WILL REGRET IT.

cayc posted 1/4/2014 19:54 PM

Yes, I've had many of those "oh fuck, *that's* what that was" moments in the ensuing years.

(((phoenixrising)))

Williesmom posted 1/4/2014 19:55 PM

Yep. I had one of these moments 3 years after the divorce was final. It still sucks.

Nature_Girl posted 1/4/2014 20:07 PM

I understand.

You know what I'd really like to do? I'd like to take an epic road trip and fill in the gaps. I'd like to do a forensic vacation. Go back to places & question witnesses. Get financial records. Just for the peace of mind. Of course this would require me to win the lottery or rob a bank to fund it. But still, little details like that shouldn't get in the way...

PhoenixRising88 posted 1/4/2014 20:16 PM

OH...And ANOTHER, really creepy thing that I realized when I was talking with Mom earlier today...

I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself. within two minutes he'd be standing in the doorway. If I decided to take a bath, within five minutes of my getting in the tub he'd come strolling in talking about 'I think i'll take a shower'. He'd randomly show up at the nail salon in the neighborhood when i'd go there. All the techs were like 'aww, how sweet'. I see now that it was control freak behavior.

Almost like he was afraid if I got too far away from him i'd become aware and bolt.

makes my flesh crawl. This divorce cannot possibly be over soon enough.

Nature_Girl posted 1/4/2014 20:19 PM

Oh ew! How obsessive & possessive!

PhoenixRising88 posted 1/4/2014 20:31 PM

ok....so I guess after these interesting revelations I have to amend my original stance that things were good up until he cheated!

I think the thing that bothers me the most is - I didn't see it. I just flat fucking DID NOT SEE IT. I am not a dumb woman, by any stretch. How did he manage to wrap me in such a strange and unhealthy cocoon? And why couldn't I see it??

But I suppose my IC will tell me when I see her next week that at least I see it now and can avoid it going forward. Maybe that's the lesson here.

badmedicine posted 1/4/2014 21:32 PM

You are not a dumb woman (and neither was I, or any of us). You loved him and trusted him and YOU were trying to keep your marriage vows and to be a partner in your relationship. I am still struggling with a kind of learned helplessness that keeps me here. I second guess things, I doubt....it's completely out of character. I just know that his behavior poisoned our relationship so long that, not only is he a different person than the man I agreed to marry, he changed me into a different person, too. I made excuses, overlooked details, and compensated when he was inadequate. WTF. These revelations bring the old relationship into a new light, a true light. I hope I keep having them, as much as they hurt, because they reaffirm my decision. Stay strong. Thanks for posting this; it really hit home tonight.

Pass posted 1/4/2014 22:00 PM

I'm going through the same shit, Feeny. There were so many indications of cheating throughout our entire marriage and I just ignored them. It didn't even occur to me that she'd do that for these reasons:

1. She constantly accused me of being attracted to other women. Why would someone who was so worried about me straying actually cheat on me?

2. I loved and trusted her.

3. I would never EVER cheat.

In summary, I am a good person.

And so are you.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/4/2014 22:15 PM

FWIW, one of the OW on my stbx's *list* was a front desk girl at a hotel he was staying in while he was away for business.


I really like this description.....

strange and unhealthy cocoon

.....I had myself convinced that the 'cocoon' was a protective and safe thing from me. What I realize is that I had to have that mindset in order to maintain peace in my household, life, and marriage. Of course now that I know about his double-life lifestyle, I 'see' that cocoon for what it really was. A prison.

I will NEVER put up with that shit again.

yousaid4ever posted 1/5/2014 03:40 AM

You are not a dumb woman (and neither was I, or any of us). You loved him and trusted him and YOU were trying to keep your marriage vows and to be a partner in your relationship. I am still struggling with a kind of learned helplessness that keeps me here. I second guess things, I doubt....it's completely out of character. I just know that his behavior poisoned our relationship so long that, not only is he a different person than the man I agreed to marry, he changed me into a different person, too. I made excuses, overlooked details, and compensated when he was inadequate. WTF. These revelations bring the old relationship into a new light, a true light. I hope I keep having them, as much as they hurt, because they reaffirm my decision. Stay strong. Thanks for posting this; it really hit home tonight

^^THIS^^.

The most important thing I have learned on this site is that this is more true than not of the 40,000 members, more or less, who are members of this group. A group none of us ever imagined we would be a part of.

A blessed group that I owe my sanity and future to.

BAB61 posted 1/5/2014 10:18 AM

Yup, those 'aw fuck' moments suck. I have them and realize that early on in our marriage I WOULD question him .... and he could look me in the eye and lie. So many times that I eventually started stuffing those feelings, along with all my other feelings. Sucks, cried last night watching a stupid commercial with an elderly couple .... he took away that future of growing old together! Smh, like you I'm not stupid, believed the person I thought I was married to.

PhoenixRising88 posted 1/5/2014 16:04 PM

yeah....sigh.... all these 'a-ah' moments are doing is reinforcing that my decision to leave was brilliant and the best possible one for me and my health/sanity. I almost feel sorry for him; he truly has no idea how screwed up he is.

but that's no longer my problem. Thank you Lord!

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