Not sure, but a couple things happened over the holidays, really bad Christmas because the anger, sadness,the hopelesness came out for my BH and I was feeling hopeless and depressed and defeated, We also had the flu and the children just getting over it too. So I would say it added so the whole downslide.
Now the interesting part is this.
When we got back and it was two days later, I was doing dishes and it felt like someone knocked me in the back of the head. I saw and felt myself before my A and having the same feelings I did whenI woke up Christmas morning. The depression,never gong away, the feeling of absolute hopelessness of never feeling better and not knowing why I felt so shitty and sad and depressed when I had everything anyone could possibly want. The desperation to feel better, the need to feel better anything to feel better.
I gave up . I had expected my H to help me to fix me to make me happy, yet I didn't want him to know how messed up in the head I was getting. I kept it too myself, I went to doctors thinking it was premenapause but all came back normal, and they said I needed to exercise more etc....
But I knew then I was depressed.
THe weird part for me right now is how I've pushed all that feeling I had aside and pushed it away. So I could *help* my BH .
A few things I think are important
My need to help others actually overrides my needs( both cases why my affairs got to where they did, my need to make the AP feel*better*) yep fucked up. The weird part is that need to help and believe that others can do better I've allways thought to be a positive thing , I my undoing. It also shows that my boundaries are low in this area that this is and has been very harmful to me. I has added to my bad feeling because I take on the responisbilities of others failing. I think if I can believe they will prove to be better. We had a discussion about this
the other night. Now this one is going to have to be person specific,becasue if I didn't have this thought process, there wouldn't be a reason to be here still.
That I actually have a wall up from myself. That I don't allow myself to feel and deal with in the now , I don't like the negative thoughts , so I hold them away
Even though it is not helpful for my BH to know I was feeling hopeless, I actually told him some of my negative thoughts not just the positive ones, which is so new and scarey, (cause what if he doesn't like me.)
The other part is I had what marriage and love wrong
I expected him to make life right. Him to do the work, I because selfish, took his love for granted and when things didn't go my way I pouted and acted like a selfish 5 year old. I wanted a knight in shining armour. That's how it felt in the beginning, I wanted the affection the romance the companion, The problem was I did't know how to love myself or how to love someone else.
It has been a good and bad month with my BH being home, I am happy that he was here, sad that because of me, nothing will ever be the same for him , for us for our family.
Welcome to 2014 hopefully, I will be talking to you still as a FWW and still married by next year this time. And hopefully all of you in SI have a personal growth year and find your happiness.
