Hope I didn't leave anyone with the impression I have mastered this.
I still struggle with when to act on my feelings.
I like and learn from analogies....let's see if it works here;
If a tiger came into your yard you would FEEL nervous. You felt you were in danger, well before that particular tiger was aggressive to you. Fact is tigers are meat eaters. Fact is a tiger in your yard is out if the ordinary. Fact is this tiger has NOT been aggressive towards you......yet.
I don't think it foolish to act on your feelings and move indoors BEFORE more facts (like the tiger charging you) are present. This is a time where if you wait for the facts to align w your feelings, it may be to late to protect yourself.
Kicker is......much of our real life feelings are not generated in the situation I just described. We usually have time to gather lots of facts.....check those against our feelings, and then choose an action. Feelings, many times, don't require immediate actions..... they have to be recognized, but don't have to act on them.
This is where I think a fWS disconnects from a BS. We have been mauled by the tiger that us adultery....many of us were gathering facts to understand the "uneasy" feelings within us pre-DD. THEIR adultery-tiger has made them nervous.....but they were safe inside when that tiger mauled us . We both experienced the same tiger run-in, but have very differint experiences associated with that same tiger.
Some WS refused to accept how badly we were mauled....choosing to look away instead of help us. We learned to do triage on ourselves. The fact is when a WS chooses to continue to lie, continue to nurture their A instead of their M....it causes us to FEEL the most awful of feelings.
Facts support feelings in this case. We then make choices.
This is where the term "gift of R" came from. A BS has been mauled by our spouses. We decide if R is possible. It takes two to make a M so I get the WS can choose to accept the gift or not. Fact is they already threw our original gift in the trash when they accepted another in our place....and did it, in my case, in very intentional manner.
Now we have historical facts on what adultery-tigers can do. No longer is the deep pain a hypothetical possibility....it really happened.
Upon my DD I chose to ignore the facts and feelings of what was happening....I paid the price by choosing to react in a very unhealthy (co-dependent), self destructing manner. I IGNORED BOTH THE FACTS AND THE FEELINGS! That's all in me........a mistake I will not soon make again. But fact is, I did this.
Hind sight is 20 20.
I sought a therapist out for heightened anxiety issues....when my wife was in an affair but before my DD.
My feelings were indicating something was wrong......I just failed to consider all of the facts that could be under my feelings.
At some point.....actions must be taken. A person with wisdom makes better choices than an ignorant one.
One way we gain wisdom is from making ignorant choices and examining what happened.
My wife and I are BOTH gaining wisdom from our ignorant choices. I pray we all are.
Fact is when we asked or agreed to marry someone....that "someone" always had the potential to hurt us. I just never considered that to be a real fact.....I trusted my wife to NOT hurt me in this manner. I certainly trusted her to STOP hurting me once she realized she was. She chose not to stop. She has now, but the fact us she chose to continue to hurt me after she had facts to support that she was hurting me and her family. Fact is, upon my DD, I allowed this to continue.
Those are historical facts.
Facts of the present are we are choosing differently.....feelings are still up and down....but the facts under those feelings have changed. I believe this is where T I M E comes in....our feelings should align with our new facts as we use our newly acquired wisdom and learn R.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:51 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]