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BS only support is the one who caused the pain

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Stillkicking posted 1/4/2014 23:24 PM

Hi everyone, my wife and I where wondering if there was any bs out there whose only support and only comfort came from their ws? In our sitch my bs feels like nobody understands what she is going through, and they either expect her to just toss and forget about me, or work on our issues and fix our marriage, but for obvious reasons we are in limbo until I either fix and prove myself or we call it quits. We are best friends so we talk to each other when we have problems, but what do you do when your support is the only one you can talk to???

I'm sorry if this is convoluted and not clear, as I am not sure how to properly word this. If you need further clarification please ask. We are looking for both bs and ws input.

Thank you in advance SI

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 1/5/2014 00:39 AM

I had a lot of support from friends who were both betrayed and waywards, so i was lucky. I would encourage your wife to sign up with SI and post, she will always get good info. Also get her to counseling and yourself as well. Find out why you did it, and help make her healing the center of your attention.

Princess Amidala posted 1/5/2014 00:51 AM

I haven't been round in quite some time, we've passed the two year mark.
WS and I had recently relocated, So I primarily only had WS to rely on. This was a big struggle point for me, finding SI was very helpful.
Do you have any questions or are you just wanting to know you aren't alone in this experience?
I'm on my phone so random writings will be limited, :-) lucky you

Princess Amidala posted 1/5/2014 00:51 AM

I haven't been round in quite some time, we've passed the two year mark.
WS and I had recently relocated, So I primarily only had WS to rely on. This was a big struggle point for me, finding SI was very helpful.
Do you have any questions or are you just wanting to know you aren't alone in this experience?
I'm on my phone so random writings will be limited, :-) lucky you

SlowUptake posted 1/5/2014 02:06 AM

Welcome

My BS and I are in the exact situation you find yourself in.

She joined SI about a year after Dday.
I lurked, reading & learning for a couple of years before joining a few months ago.

In a nutshell, if not for SI we would have divorced long ago. We're still a work in progress (mostly me) but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you well.

HardenMyHeart posted 1/5/2014 02:53 AM

BH here.

Early after D-day I talked to an IC for a few sessions and it really helped me a lot.

The best support for me came from books and SI. In particular, I would recommend the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

cannibal posted 1/5/2014 05:13 AM

Betrayed here, I think I know how she may feel. I have friends I used to talk to about relationship issues. Now they no longer supposed my R. So I try and talk to my SO but yet it's hard to do while I still have so many trust issues. She doesn't talk to any one other than me either. She never really has had any true friends and her family has only contributed to our problems over the years. She lost her job shortly after getting back together and hasn't been able to find any work since July. The om was a cow anyways.

I'm not sure where I was going with this post other than to say I can relate.

RipsInMyChest posted 1/5/2014 05:16 AM

I have no outside support. Just me, my H, and SI. Reading has been somewhat helpful, 2 therapy sessions not so much. Mostly my H and I TALK. By far, the most helpful thing has been SI.

7yrsflushed posted 1/5/2014 05:59 AM

If she isn't here already, direct her to SI. She needs another outlet other than you. I say this because for some BS's, maybe many, at some point in the process the WS becomes the biggest trigger we have. It can be a huge stumbling block because anything and everything you do at that point can set your BS off. You looked at me trigger, you sneeze in the other room trigger, you didn't say good morning exactly right trigger... It's different for each person but it helps to have several outlets to vent or discuss things especially when the person you need to vent about is the person you usually talk things through with. If you are truly remorseful you can build the bond back with work but for some BS's during that process of rebuilding its harder to open up because of trust issues and at some point just looking at our WS is a reminder if what happened. Reconciling who we remember you as and who you actually are right now is tough and it helps to have a neutral source to talk to. As I stated earlier if she isn't getting the support she feels she needs irl then send her to SI if possible.

authenticnow posted 1/5/2014 06:26 AM

I also strongly recommend that your BS join SI. My BH was very uncomfortable talking to anyone IRL about this. In his desperation, he found SI a few days after d-day in addition to a great IC.

He felt very alone and those two things helped his healing immensely. I was also his go-to person always, and his instant feeling of losing the person he trusted the most, losing his go-to person was very hard for him.

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 1/5/2014 07:00 AM

It's just me and my WBF in Tennessee. No friends here. We moved here for his job. He is the only friend I have so I talk to him, vent, cry, yell but I wish I had friends to talk to besides him. I found SI about a week after DDay but it's basically just him & I, reading and SI. It's hard.

[This message edited by BeyondBrokenInTN at 7:01 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 1/5/2014 09:23 AM

In our sitch my bs feels like nobody understands what she is going through, and they either expect her to just toss and forget about me, or work on our issues and fix our marriage,

So do you have others in your life that know what you guys are going through?

As far as the other people knowing my BS told his parents that we were trying to R, and to please respect that. After that his family treated me no differently than they had before.

We are surrounded by people who know and that we can lean on for support.
It has helped us both tremendously. If you potentially have that option, try it.

If not, can you do IC?
And keep posting here.

Stillkicking posted 1/5/2014 09:52 AM

Wow!!! Thank you everyone so much for your quick responses!!

I have tried to get her here for about a year now though she was never receptive, however she has read our responses and is now seriously concidering joining, once again thank you everyone. As for the IC I have also been pushing her for that as well although I don't know how hard I should be pushing for this, as I don't want it to seem like I am trying to control her. As I was formerly her BS I have been where she is at and am doing my best to try and help guide her, but I know that everyone is different and she will find her own path and I am sure that everything I did to heal is probably not even half of what she is going through.

I am trying to be her rock and I listen and respond from a sympathetic, at times neutral standpoint without anger or resentment, after all it was I who did this to her.
We believe that regardless of the outcome of our marriage that we will remain best of friends as there is nobody who knows us like we do. And I am going to do everything that I can to keep that friendship alive until I am a safe partner for her.

Thank you again!!!

Stillkicking posted 1/5/2014 09:59 AM

So do you have others in your life that know what you guys are going through?

There are people who know yes, but as far as we know they aren't people who have experienced this themselves so you get the knee jerk reactions KWIM. And I feel like ours is kinda different than most as in that as of right now there is little to no chance of R (from both sides as I am not willing to carry on the way that we where, my fault not hers) until I have done the work and fix my issues. History is doomed to repeat itself unless I change the variables.

Daisy312 posted 1/5/2014 10:01 AM

I know what she's going through! It's such a lonely time! I was very lucky to have met another BW on another site that had a very similar timeline an situation. We became friends an would txt an talk a lot. We don't talk as often now, but when we need support we call each other. Maybe she will find someone she can relate to on here.

steadfast1973 posted 1/5/2014 10:04 AM

BW here. Yes, my FWH is the only person (IRL) that even knows besides my sister (who is a WW -currently still in the fog, I only told her because i was tired of listening to her complain about how he BH treats her). So, my only support is FWH and You all here at SI. And I am currently his only support in dealing with his issues (he is unable to get into IC until mid May, and MC is not available until the end of February). In some ways, it sucks. He has to hear over and over how badly he hurt me, and I have to listen to him about how hard it is to deal with the consequences. But, in other ways, it has really given us this new intimacy.

steadfast1973 posted 1/5/2014 10:04 AM

Sorry, edited because of duplicate posts... This happens a lot on my ipad for some reason... Mega sorry.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 10:05 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

hurtsobadinside posted 1/5/2014 10:06 AM

Stillkicking...

I am a BS (no stop sign) and SI was my savior, I chose to tell no-body...yes my WW's 7 yr affair has remained her dirty little secret and will remain that way unless I, D" her.

Tell her to post here in SI. We will help her as we all have been there before and know what she is going through.

I also talked to my IC (WW and I both had same IC and she was our MC too) . Was good to vent.

i outed the "A" to the wife of my WW's AP and I helped her get thru through this mess. She told her WS, if not for my support of her, she would have divorced him. She said the look on his face was priceless.

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"

edited to add my story

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 10:08 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

CATransplant posted 1/5/2014 10:19 AM

B Spouse here! I understand what your wife is feeling. I only have SI and my Ws to talk to. He is my best friend and I his. My family knows about the A have have chose to distance themselves from both of us, leaving me no one at all. I too have felt what your wife is experiencing. The lack of someone who will listen to her experiences and feelings with a sympathetic ear id difficult. Posting on SI can also slap you in the face once in awhile since everyone has unique slants on what is happening. I find that chewing on a slant sometimes works for me and I have picked up tools to survive the day, other times causes a weeks worth of triggering between us. If she would like to have someone she can talk to, give her my user name. I will listen,share, and support.

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