I'm sorry if this is convoluted and not clear, as I am not sure how to properly word this. If you need further clarification please ask. We are looking for both bs and ws input.
Thank you in advance SI
I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
My BS and I are in the exact situation you find yourself in.
She joined SI about a year after Dday.
I lurked, reading & learning for a couple of years before joining a few months ago.
In a nutshell, if not for SI we would have divorced long ago. We're still a work in progress (mostly me) but there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish you well.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Early after D-day I talked to an IC for a few sessions and it really helped me a lot.
The best support for me came from books and SI. In particular, I would recommend the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
I'm not sure where I was going with this post other than to say I can relate.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
He felt very alone and those two things helped his healing immensely. I was also his go-to person always, and his instant feeling of losing the person he trusted the most, losing his go-to person was very hard for him.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
[This message edited by BeyondBrokenInTN at 7:01 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]
In our sitch my bs feels like nobody understands what she is going through, and they either expect her to just toss and forget about me, or work on our issues and fix our marriage,
So do you have others in your life that know what you guys are going through?
As far as the other people knowing my BS told his parents that we were trying to R, and to please respect that. After that his family treated me no differently than they had before.
We are surrounded by people who know and that we can lean on for support.
It has helped us both tremendously. If you potentially have that option, try it.
If not, can you do IC?
And keep posting here.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
I have tried to get her here for about a year now though she was never receptive, however she has read our responses and is now seriously concidering joining, once again thank you everyone. As for the IC I have also been pushing her for that as well although I don't know how hard I should be pushing for this, as I don't want it to seem like I am trying to control her. As I was formerly her BS I have been where she is at and am doing my best to try and help guide her, but I know that everyone is different and she will find her own path and I am sure that everything I did to heal is probably not even half of what she is going through.
I am trying to be her rock and I listen and respond from a sympathetic, at times neutral standpoint without anger or resentment, after all it was I who did this to her.
We believe that regardless of the outcome of our marriage that we will remain best of friends as there is nobody who knows us like we do. And I am going to do everything that I can to keep that friendship alive until I am a safe partner for her.
Thank you again!!!
There are people who know yes, but as far as we know they aren't people who have experienced this themselves so you get the knee jerk reactions KWIM. And I feel like ours is kinda different than most as in that as of right now there is little to no chance of R (from both sides as I am not willing to carry on the way that we where, my fault not hers) until I have done the work and fix my issues. History is doomed to repeat itself unless I change the variables.
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 10:05 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]
I am a BS (no stop sign) and SI was my savior, I chose to tell no-body...yes my WW's 7 yr affair has remained her dirty little secret and will remain that way unless I, D" her.
Tell her to post here in SI. We will help her as we all have been there before and know what she is going through.
I also talked to my IC (WW and I both had same IC and she was our MC too) . Was good to vent.
i outed the "A" to the wife of my WW's AP and I helped her get thru through this mess. She told her WS, if not for my support of her, she would have divorced him. She said the look on his face was priceless.
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"
edited to add my story
[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 10:08 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]