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Newest Member: harleyhugs (45741)

User Topic: Double edged sword of actions: rant.
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone who has read my previous posts knows a few VERY ugly things about me. 1. I've given into my rage too much, 2. I've hurt my BH not just through my lying and cheating, but by hitting him three days after our true d-day (false d-day in October), and 3. I'm struggling with conveying empathy. Like I said, there are so many ugly things about me right now.

So after hitting my BH I realized that something in the situation needed to change. I packed all of my clothing and prepared to move out. I took it all to my brother's house and intended to stay there. I had an intense IC session with our MC. Then we both saw her later that evening. I told him I wanted to come home. He wanted me to come home. I did. I have not hit him since.

Rage though. I've ordered Non violent Communication. I'm in the process of widdling down the IC options. I'm trying to find one who can address all aspects of my issues: fidelity, anger, self esteem, boundaries, FOO, having a voice, and because my BH is positive that I am a sex-addict an IC who is certified to deal with that as well so that we can either confirm it or put that issue to rest once and for all.

Two nights ago I posted about being "banished" to the couch. It is the first time in three months BH has slept through the night. Last night I was "banished" to my brother's since sleep was not forthcoming on the couch. Guess what, BH slept through the night for the second time. Tonight... another discussion turned fight turned me walking out to go sleep at my brother's house. I guess we'll see if BH's sleep trend continues.

In the meantime, every time I leave BH feels rejected again. It's just like signing a property settlement (when asked) or writing a letter to the BS of an AP. If I follow through I'm "proving" my commitment, but if I follow through I'm rejecting him all over again. WTF! By leaving tonight I was putting his needs before my own. He needs to be safe, he needs peace to process his feelings. I gave him that. He also needs sleep, and hasn't had any until I was not there. He's got another chance for that. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?

Finally, an aha. I am a thoughtless person. I don't always act after thinking. Getting up this morning I left stuff here at my brother's house. Didn't think about how it might appear as though I intended to stay here again no matter what. Of course it does! I'm going to admit that this might have contributed to my ability to have affairs in the first place. But have I manned up and told my BH that? No, but I'm going to right now. God I'm slow sometimes.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight... another discussion turned fight turned me walking out to go sleep at my brother's house

So he asked you to leave right?
I mean you wouldn't have left because you just knew that's what he wanted, would you?

Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?

What your supposed to do is what ever he wants, not what you think he wants.
The trick is to do it humbly, without resentment or anger and with the acceptance of no pat on the back or validation for your efforts from your BS for a long time.

I know it's hard trying climb out of this cesspool you've created but you will reach the top eventually.
Think about how hard it is for your BS.

Also sometimes it helps to remember, it could always be worse.
You slept on a lounge for a couple of nights?
Try sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor for six months.

I get it, your frustrated, your in pain too, this is when you need to grit your teeth, buckle up and get on with it.

Good luck.


[This message edited by SlowUptake at 1:27 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Tren0R201
♂ 39633
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may seem strange but when you leave... how are you walking out? I mean in what manner? You say you have trouble conveying empathy, when you leave your husband feels rejected.

There's a difference between walking out the door saying "Honey I really don't want to leave but if going to my brothers will give us space and peace then so be it"

than
Storming out the door, slamming it and driving away never to be heard from again

Expressing empathy means revealing yourself, communicating more, if you're hurting then show it, but also showing or expressing are critical components to revealing what's going on inside you


Posts: 244 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told to leave several times. Each time I begged to stay. Hugged him, texted him several times unless be asked for space and even when I wanted to run I did not assume he wanted me to leave. When I discovered his A I hounded him for details and snooped a lot. It pissed him off and we had a huge fight where he scared me by throwing things and punching the walls. Then he told me he was leaving and started packing and I fell apart. How dare he! After everything and now when he was put in the hot seat for his actions he ran away. Stop running, start showing some empathy and thinking through what you're doing.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What your supposed to do is what ever he wants, not what you think he wants.

Those are words to live by. I wasted WEEKS and increased the pain of my BS by staying in the house, convinced she needed me available to her. While it's true we talked A LOT during that time about the A, my presence was only increasing her pain exponentially.

When I finally got my head out of me arse, I LISTENED to what she asked for - me to leave - and I left. I asked her how and she gave me a list of rules, which I am following to the letter. She asks me to babysit, I babysit. She asks me to change my phone number, I change it. She asks me to give up friendships, I give them up, even one that was as dear to me as a brother.

At this point, praying that she might actually TALK to me at some point in the future, I can't imagine anything she would ask of me that I wouldn't do. I do whatever she wants. This feels like the key to any hope of building again.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
astudentoflife
♂ 25821
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am coming at this from a different perspective and one that Wayflost may recognize.

My belief is that both you and I have the added fucking distinction of being abusers. That puts a spin on this that frankly people with just the problem of infidelity don't have. Sure infidelity is abuse, but not the sustained pattern of abuse, not the same issues.

About two weeks ago, after nine months of complete non abusiveness from me, I gave my wife a letter that was abusive. fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, because of an argument I won't get into here. I came back the next day and apologized. The next day though I started to feel anger towards my wife. I told her that and I said I can't be in the same room with her. For her protection and mine, I made myself scarce in the next room and left her the house, so she wouldn't feel like a prisoner as she has told me in the past was the way she felt when I was abusive. I didn't need to feel like a complete shitheel again.

I know I feel like shit when I hear how I have turned the house into a prison for her because of my abusiveness. I have been working on it for sometime and have gotten it down to an angry letter from me. However that brings the victim right back to the worst of the abuse which was physical from me. I am not done with my work yet. I understand completely why you did what you did Wayflost. I know the horror of looking at your own behavior and trying to fix it right now, sometimes in ways that are not so great. You thought your husband needed sleep, so you got out of the way. I also know the mind of a person who is an abuser also looks for ways to justify that abuse, thus some of your anger about the decision. "Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Fuck him"

Rather than IC, I recommend that you find someone who knows about abuse. I have attended class with a man who handles all domestic problems in this area from the courts. He knows his stuff and has helped me immensely. Abuse doesn't have much to do with anger, rather the feelings of entitlement to let it go on the victim. IC may have a hard time actually helping you identify why you allowed yourself to hit your husband, lie and fuck around on him. Look for a pro that uses the Deluth model for domestic violence.

The trick is to do it humbly, without resentment or anger and with the acceptance of no pat on the back or validation for your efforts from your BS for a long time.

With respect this is great for a non abusive relationship. She hit him. She feels entitled to do that and certainly doesn't feel humble right now. Maybe next time she might swing a frying pan at him, which could end disasterously. I am not trying to dis your post SlowUptake, it certainly is good advice for a non abusive relationship.

Wayflost, please don't think I am accusing you of being a brutal person with no redemption. I am illustrating the ratcheting up of domestic abuse. You seem to be one of the few women who really can be violent and you really need to get a handle on that. Overcoming abuse is a long process that is not really done by having an epiphany and becoming humble.

Some may think I am making too much distinction, however three statements stand out in mind that reveal an abusive person.

1. I have given into my rage too much.
2. I hit him after 3 days after our true dday.
3. You can't feel the empathy because you feel that somehow your spouse deserved it. (entitlement)That you are not to blame.

You do this because you feel entitled to take it out on your husband. That is the thing you must find and conquer. You won't do that by simply reading here or anywhere else, you need someone familiar with domestic abuse, and then begin some really hard work, along with the transparency and everything else learned here. It is a fucking bitch to deal with let me tell you.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Wayflost
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my BH if I have always been abusive to him. He said he wasn't sure. It was a very short conversation, and one to continue, but I think it was a good start. It's interesting but as so many of us WSers are, I'm a great conflict avoider. Since my abusive behavior is a direct result of my anger management.

I've heard myself described as a "nice" person more times than I can count. Right now I think that's the last adjective to describe me. I am actually a nice person genuinely, BUT, a lot of people who see me as nice don't realize it's a cover. I'm a people pleaser, and I don't speak my mind. I almost never don't have a smile on my face. It's part of my slippery slope.

I read this blog post today that I found extremely interesting. It's all about liking yourself. I'm considering writing down the rules on a sticky and putting them on the bathroom mirror so I have to confront them every morning.

http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

Also, thank you all for responding! I really appreciate all of the advice. It's pulling me through this heaping pile of proverbial poop I've piled on myself. I'll make it one way or another.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2013
astudentoflife
♂ 25821
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my abusive behavior is a direct result of my anger management.

So you go around unleashing your rage and hitting on your boss, next door neighbor, best friend or the cops?

If the answer is no, which I am sure it is, it isn't your anger management, it is because of an abusive nature. You need to find out why you feel entitled to do it to your husband.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard myself described as a "nice" person more times than I can count. Right now I think that's the last adjective to describe me. I am actually a nice person genuinely, BUT, a lot of people who see me as nice don't realize it's a cover. I'm a people pleaser, and I don't speak my mind. I almost never don't have a smile on my face. It's part of my slippery slope.

I think the above is very important for you to dig into. This is my H to a tee. He is fabulous with people he works with, wonderful in fact, does too much. Won't speak up however with authority to get raises at work or get promotions, he just hopes people will "get it" and just give it to him. He sees it as starting a "fight" or a conflict to ask for anything for himself. So he holds it in, smiles and laughs and gives more and more of himself....and then will take it out on me. He has not hit me, but in many other way with anger, A's, etc....

So your statement above, even though your own personal story may be different, is something that is good for you to pursue I believe. Conflict avoidence builds huge resentments.


Posts: 5698 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 9

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