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PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 01:35 AM

Hello everyone,
Thank you in advance for any advice or guidance you all may send my way. I dont know where to start. Im terrified. I lost my best friend. I had this long long post ready in my head, but so much had happened, that I dont know where to start. D-day? The horrible treatment during the affair? Im so lost.

I'll start with an overview. Me and my wife have been together like two peas in a pod for 14 year. She has been my rock. My best friend. We been married for 7 years. We have a 11 year old son. Hes such a great kid. So sweet. Never talks back and so caring.

9 months ago I learned that she was having a very heated emotional and very sexual affair. For that year I had a feeling, but she turned it around on me. She treated me so horrible. She was so obvious when she would see him. I stuck around in denial like a doormat.

They had lots of unprotected sex. Sex in the back of his car, the beach, everywhere. She told him she loved him. She cooked for him yet never cooked at home.

After D-day I was a mess. I did not know who I was. I cant explain the emptyness. I truly fell appart. I mistakenly begged, cried, and did all those things I shouldnt have done. I almost lost my job and lost a big promotion. she said she told me she ended it with him and wanted to fix us. I found out 5 months later she was still seeing him.

She was so mean and horrible to me when I was weak. I would cry and she would tell me to suck it up.

This was not like her. Also, this was not like me. Im in law enforcement and never behaved like this. However, I never thought she would be the one who hurt me. After a bad night at work, she was my sanctuary.

D-day was 9 months ago. Im posting this in "jusy found out" because im as lost as i was then. I was living with her and my son in our beautiful house we built, and now here i sit on a cheap uncomfortable futon in a small room within my mothers house. My poor son never saw us argue over this, but he knows we are separated.

I gave her the house. I truly was good to her. I did it all. I cooked, cleaned, fixed everything, homework, yardwork, i spoiled her, i put her through nursing school, i never put my job before my family so no long hours. I dont drink or smoke. No drugs. Not ugly. I could lose a few pounds.

I researched MLC, but I just dont buy it. She was so horrible. There just cant be and excuse.

Im so confused because I miss my wife I thought I had.

I been to 4 different therapist. They all have different theories and solutions. I just cant buy into the whole phase thing.

After I moved out 2 months ago, I initiated the 180 plan. It really seemed to work. Its hard for me because Im used to caring for her. I hate to neglect her.

Now she claims to want me back. I fear she only wants the cumfort and convenience. She once told me that she felt safe and secure with me, but haf passion and "amazing chemestry" with him.

There are more details, but I wanted to get this thread going, because im truly falling appart. I would never with these feelings of total utter betrayal to my worst enemy.

As far ad the OP, per him, she fooled him too, and told me every detail while he cried. More on him later. No drama. No threats. In the end we all suffered. No winners here.

I feel like i want her back. I miss her and love her. I feel like I should never take here back for how horrible she was to me and bad she lied. I am angry and worn out from being sad.
My self esteem and self worth is completely shattered. The triggers are still as bad as the first day. I cycle from being strong moving forward to weak and crying. Some days im angry bug that wears off fast and all thats left is sadness.

I talked to a divorce lawyer and looked at a few apartments. I feel like everything we worked for is over.

I lost it all. I hope he was worth it.

stronger08 posted 1/5/2014 02:31 AM

After all the lousy things she did to you I have to advise you to seek a D. Don't allow this to be looked over as a MLC or a passing thing. What she did was planned out and calculated. Her emotional abuse of you was real, her choices were real, her behavior was real. Now that OM is no longer in the pic she wants you back. Your nothing but Plan B my friend. With all that said, I firmly believe that people have the capacity to change. And if she is willing to do the hard work of changing and finding out why she did what she did, she will. Right now all your getting is talk and talk is cheap. If she is sincere in changing you will see it through action, not words. This is where the D comes in. It give you the opportunity to get away from her legally and to heal yourself from this mess. It also gives her time to work on herself and for you to monitor her progress. If you don't like what you see during that time, there's no skin off your ass because your already D. If by some small chance she is serious and changes you cam always date and remarry her.

Also while D you might find that life without her is more fulfilling and you simply can not R with a person who did these terrible things to you. Stay your current course towards D. Don't be overly generous in regard to any settlement. Give her what the law says she is entitled to, nothing more. She needs to experience the consequences of her actions. From where I'm sitting I really don't think she is sincere. Most likely she will tell you what she thinks you want to hear and continue down the infidelity path. You have the opportunity to make your life better one way or the other right now. I suggest you choose wisely. She created this mess she finds herself in. Don't be her back up plan. Separate all finances now, Retain an attorney now, prepare for D now. If she really wants to show you that she will change only time will tell. But you must protect yourself from any further hurt. Good luck brother.

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 02:46 AM

Thank you Stronger. The info on that post was just the tip of the iceberg. The OM bought her a necklace that she used to wear around me all the time. She even made me put it on her. If you look at our Thanksgiving family photos, shes wearing the necklace. She lied and td me a female friend from work bought it for her.
She would got to "the mall" and text me pictures of items she was thinking of buying to ask what i thought. I later learned that she had taken all those pics at once and stockpiled them to send them to me while she was at his house to make it look as if i was at the mall. She told me she was going to a trip to Orlando with "girlfriend", and I found out, she went with him. This teip was planned for a month.

I feel like plan-B. I feel as if OM broke things off with her due to her lying to him also about leaving me for him, which she never did, and so on. He told me he truly cared for her, but she would never leave me, and he got scared because he did not want to be the secret OM. He did not want drama.

I want to believe we could reconcile, but not with this one. I FEAR she had been doing this to me for years with different men. Im questioning everything. I feel lime such a fool. Such s fool. Such a loser. How could I been so stupid.

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 02:52 AM

Some demographics: maybe this info matters, maybe it does not.

Shes an attractive 30 year old W/F. She is an RN. 100 LBS 5-2. Very intelligent and down to earth. A great mom.

Im a regular average 35 year old W/M. LEO. People always joke that I married up. Maybe I did. Im 6 foot 210 Lbs

OM is a 30 year old W/M. Not very successful. Not some GYM meat head or stud. Just a nice regular guy. He's tall and thin though. He looks good wearing anything kind of guy. I could lose a few pounds.

positively4thst posted 1/5/2014 03:36 AM

PRNDL,

I am very sorry you are here and I know from my own experience how much you are hurting and how much you are trying to explain and make sense of a lot of crazy stuff.

"She has been my rock. My best friend."
If at all, this has been past tense. I'm sorry, I was used too and believed this so deeply that I couldn't see what was in front of my eyes.

"Shes an attractive 30 year old W/F. She is an RN. 100 LBS 5-2. Very intelligent and down to earth. A great mom.

Im a regular average 35 year old W/M. LEO. People always joke that I married up. Maybe I did. Im 6 foot 210 Lbs

OM is a 30 year old W/M. Not very successful. Not some GYM meat head or stud. Just a nice regular guy. He's tall and thin though. He looks good wearing anything kind of guy. I could lose a few pounds."

I know you're still trying to make sense of this but I feel you have over rated her (and her boy toy) while under rating yourself. Height/weight/titles don't matter. What matters is who is there for you at the end of the day and who trusts you and you can trust. Someone who has your back and you don't have to analyze all this BS to get the respect you deserve.

All the best to you. There is another life after this and I can promise you that you won't look back at this time with regret. In hindsight, it is a wake up call for our best selves.

devasted30 posted 1/5/2014 05:54 AM

It sounds to me like you still love your WS? That is important. Have you considered MC with her? Have you talked about what she would HAVE to do if you got back together? If you are truly considering reconciling, then you need to get a plan together and implement it. I don't know if it's hopeless. I would have said my situation was hopeless at some point and a friend laughed at me when I suggested to her that my WS would want to return. But he did and we are trying to R. He came back once reality set in and he realized just what he had lost. Perhaps your wife sees that now too. But, make a plan. Line it out to her in no uncertain terms. Don't rush things. Go to MC together a few times and see if there is a chance. There might be. But she needs to tell you the truth about everything. Otherwise, you won't have a chance. It all depends on how badly you BOTH want it. Good Luck.

jb3199 posted 1/5/2014 05:59 AM

PRNDL,

Sorry that you are here, friend. Believe us when we tell you that we understand the pain that you are going through.

Being that you are nine months out, and have seen several counselors, I have to assume that you have already been told that you only have the ability to change yourself. You can not change your wife....she has to do that on her own. These statements are true---as difficult as it may be to accept them. Your salvation lies within.

You have to concentrate on life without her. You want your old life back so bad that you can not move forward, and it is this mindset that is keeping you in your personal misery. And I get that---I really do. I spent way too long living in a state of limbo, just hoping that things could return to the way that they were. But it can't and won't happen. And until you can start to accept this, you are going to stay exactly like you are.

You need to value yourself more than you do. You didn't "marry up". It is not about the OM, nor is it about you feeling the need to lose a few pounds. Your wife is the problem---and you know it. She may have been the *ideal* wife for many years, but she is a terrible person right now. Also, she is not a good mom---she is a terrible fucking mother. No decent parent would do this to her child. Her mindset is so far out of whack, that there is no way to make sense out of her actions.

Finally, to add the most insult to your injuries----she does not respect you. She looks at you as weak, and it repulses her. It is the ultimate kick to the gut---you are literally in the worst emotional pain in your life....do to her actions....and she despises you for it.

So where is the solution?

It is all within you. The sooner that you decide that you are not going to take abuse any longer, your self-esteem will start to return. It is time to start righting your wrongs. Like stronger08 stated earlier, you need to move ahead towards divorce. There are several members here who have reconnected after divorce. It is a testament to how committed two people can be. But no matter how hard that you try, you can not do it alone. If she isn't willing to do the hard work on herself, to make her a safe partner to be with, then you are wasting time that can be used on your own recovery.

And from what you have stated, she hasn't done ANYTHING to show you otherwise. Talk is cheap. It is actions that show results.

Let go of the past. Take value in yourself. Continue to be the best father that you can be, and show your son what a proper parent does---protects their family while standing up for what is right. His mother is not doing this, so it is up to you to show him the correct way. She may be his mother, but by no means is she a good parent.

Keep reading and posting here. Try to find some of your righteous anger, and use it constructively. Show your wife that you will no longer accept ANY of her poor behavior. If there is ever a time to start detaching emotionally from this woman, now is the time.

I know that you do not want to do this. But one thing I an guarantee---this misery will continue unless you make changes. She is not going to get you through this---you have to do this on your own.

Sorry again that you are here.

AppalachianGal posted 1/5/2014 08:46 AM

I read where you say she took pics of clothes & stuff and kept them so she could fool you into thinking she was at a mall when she was really with him. That level of deception takes a very coldhearted, wicked person. I can't wrap my brain around that behavior. I'm so sorry. I, too, believe you are selling yourself short.

Brandon808 posted 1/5/2014 08:59 AM

Do not delay D. Get a good lawyer and let them do their job without restrictions. Your ww does not want D. Neither did mine. That is not the same thing as wanting to R. Your ww did not just feed on the attention from the om. She fed on your pain. She derived perverse pleasure in deceiving you. She is sick. What's more I do not necessarily agree that she was a good mother with how much time and she clearly has put into the A.

Justgreatnews posted 1/5/2014 09:06 AM

Hey man, this all sounds terrible. Hope you can think logically and decide what is really best for your situation. We may have opinions, but you should deeply think things thru.

OK. So, you feel like a doormat? How do you get rid of that feeling. What should a man in your shoes do?
First, stop being a doormat. Do what is best for you.

Exercise, lose those pounds, get fitter. Eat right, sleep right. You don't have to be a gym meat head to get fit. Get out and walk or run. Hit the floor for pushups, sit ups.

Like I mentioned elsewhere, develop that "command presence" and believe in yourself. People REALLY notice. We all know that confidence is catnip to women.

Be a little selfish, but wise. You decide, then act with resolve.

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 10:45 AM

This is the first time I posted (vented sorry) to a forum. I cant believe how good it felt to let that out and tell you all my story. Your responses have been such a breath of fresh air.

Let me respond back to yourr advice:
I do feel like I am selling my self short. Logically and instinctively I want a D. However, yes, I do still love her so much. She is all I know. I feel guilty leaving her, but at the same time I just can not get over, not just the affair, but how she went about it. The treatment and the feeling that she is still seeing him.

Early into the D-day, I went to emergency therapy provided by my job. They advised that due to my wife being 30, based on "studies", it was common and could be fixed. I agreed, but my W just refused MC. She said she knew what her problem was and it was me. While i suffered and went to MC, she continued on seeing, texting, sexting, and sending nude pics to the OM. They even planned a Vegas trip.

She finally agreed to go one session of MC. The therapist was blown away. He asked her if she learned anything from her affair and she said " yeah, I had fun"'. She claimed that I took her youth, forced her into motherhood, forced her into marriage, and so on. People, I promise you, that I did not do that. She truly appeared so happy. She was so happy when she had our son. She used to tell me how great of a husband I was and how she loved to get married. This switch in her thinking is why I bought into the MLC, PMDD, bipolar, and other stuff therapist mentioned, but she refused to go. The kicker is that she was still seeing the OM when we tried MC.

I did tell her what I wanted in order to fix this because she just would not leave me. She disagreed with the terms and said it was my fault for smothering her, so I was the one that had to change. She told me that she wanted him, but after a year and a half she learned that he was imature and she did not feel safe with him like she did with me. She jokingly said how perfect it could be for her to have both of us. WTF? Security with me and fun with him with no responsibility. I felt like such a plan-B.

Before I left the house, two months ago, I was able to see her input the 4 digit code to her iphone. Her phone had been locked for a year and a half and never left her hip. When she was in the shower I accessed it. I read what she was still writing him during our Alleged R. She told him she still wanted and missed him. She told him he was sexier than me and had me beat in "everything else". She had also texed her best friend and had told her that she wanted to have sex with the OM so bad. She told her how much chemestry she had with him and so on. Based on the text history, they stopped seeing each other due to the OM not wanting to be the "other person". He clearly wanted her to leave me and to do this right.

She wouldnt. I dont get it she just did not leave. Why not just leave me and go with him. Like ripping of a band aid, just do it now and do it fast.

"Fed on my pain"
Yes, you hit the nail on the head. After implementing the 180 day plan and moving out, she now wants me back and claims she was wrong. However, she tells me that I should be a man and fix my family. She says that if I leavd her, then Im not man enough to take care of her like OM. Shes not going about this the right way. She still wants to hurt me.

Although she tells me she is sorry from time to time, she just does not seem sincere. Plus she would tell me sorry for 9 months after D-day and continuously assured me the A was over. When I thought she had ended the A and we were R, we went on dates, cuddled, kissed, and everything. We even went on a vacation. All that time she was still with the OM. How and why should I believe her now?

This is way too much deception for an R. However, im seeing two MC's and they claim this can be fixed. They insist on me trying to bring her in. I get the feeling they are stringing me along to get more sessions out of me. They claim affairs are very heated and emotional which cause WS's to do all these careless things self centered thing. They claim that its "text book". I am being pulled in many directions.

I read about the dopamine and other brain chemicals during affairs and it all just seems like excuses.

Im beyond confused. I feel so alone.

[This message edited by PRNDL at 10:46 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

happyman64 posted 1/5/2014 11:34 AM

PRNDL

Can I make a suggestion.

Take a few days off of work.

Go see an attorney.

Then one day when she is on shift go home to the house with a moving company.

Have all her clothes and jewelry packed.

Have her things boxed and dumped on the "OM" house.

If he does not have a house then have her things put into storage.

Plan to have her served at work on the same day.

Take back your life my friend.

Do her parents live close. if yes then have her stuff dropped off there and tell them the truth and why she needs to live there.

Or better yet, her BFF that she sent the texts to have her stuff sent there with a note "My wife needs to live with you because all she does is lie to me. "

You have nothing to lose.

Then proceed with the D. Put a forsale sign on the house the very same day.

When your wife tries to force herself back in tell her she is not welcome.

Tell her to go to the OM's because he is better with "everything".

Until you get out of your momma's and take back control o your life you will not feel good.

A big guy like you should be figuratively kicking her lying, cheating ass to the curb.

You can do this carefully and well planned.

She does not deserve you! Now show her why.

Kick her selfish, cheating ass to the curb my friend.

And never reconcile until she comes back, broken, sobbing and even then you should tell her no.

HM

Siouxsie posted 1/5/2014 11:36 AM

PRNDL, I am so sorry for what you are going through. To be honest, your wife sounds really immature and lacking in emotional soundness. (Now that is, I'm sure she has/had great qualities or you wouldn't have married her). My husband is very similar to her, falling on the personality disorder side (narcissistic, histrionic, borderline, etc) He never apologized after me finding out about any side relationship, and only seemed to care that he was caught.
But back to you--MC's can say that she can be "fixed" but I am unsure of what that truly means, and I certainly wouldn't buy into it. Perhaps she could change if she seemingly went through an entire emotional overhaul and showed you how sorry she was etc. but it truly doesn't even seem like she wants that. I now know I was nothing more than a backup...time and time again. This most recent time I thought his affair was over, because he came back. I quickly figured out he and OW got in a fight, he "came back" to me but continued on with OW. I basically was an ATM to him, paying for everything for us (he had no money bc he was spending it all on her). It is a miserable place to be in. To be used for money and sex, when he was also sleeping with her. And to bankroll the life he got used to.
And about the OM, the attraction is probably based on the fact he was forbidden fruit and willing. it's probably hard if you deem him "better" than you, but you would feel just as bad if he was worse. I am a finance derivatives analyst with a graduate degree from a big ten, my WH dropped out of college and works in retail. OW has a GED and works in a hair salon. She's 5' tall, I'm 5'9. She is 35 and has a roommate still, I bought a home at 25 and make five times as much as my WH. I struggle with why he would leave me for something that's as...beneath me as she is, but whatever. She was clearly willing and maybe she is more of his level or his speed. People always told him he married up, but he sure as shit stopped carig about that. Don't beat yourself up about the weight issue--I did that too,and it's silly. I was stuck on her being tiny and me weighing 130 when it really doesn't matter.
Move out, focus on work so you don't lose any more opportunities, start going to the gym bc it will help your mind and your body, and focus your love on your son. If she realizes how miserable she is, and makes true amends, then it happens. But don't fall into the R trap she's setting now, not until you see true remorse. You're a cop, right? Use that ability to really deduce if she's being honest. Don't settle for back burner or being the comfortable mini-van of security in her life.

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 12:17 PM

Thank you so much for all the advice. In looking at your singatures which indicate, stats, D-day dates (sometimes multiple), and your stories your shared with me, I feel so selfish venting. You were all hurt too. Although am so sorry you have gone through this. I am thankful for your advice and for you all being here for me.

I know i seem pityful, but im truly not like this. I know exactly what I would tell someone in my shoes. I make a living giving advice and helping people through hard time, but for some reason I cant do it to myself. I need to hear it from other. I guess im still in denial.

I do have a few basic set if basic rules and steps for 2014.
STEPS:
1. Separate from her. Done, I left.
2. Do not return. So far so good. Its hard.
3. Carefuly tell our son about separation only. Done.
4. Sign over the house to her. Pending. She gets the house, she gets the debit of being upside-down. She makes more money anyway.
5. Divorce. Pending. So far we agreed on no contest divorce.
6. Get my own place. Standing by incase I need to dump all my money into lawyer if she gets nasty.
Thats it for now.

RULES:
1. My son comes first. His best interest.
2. Do all the above in a peaceful manner.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/5/2014 12:33 PM

Hi PRNDL. You have found the best place you never wanted to find. lots and lots of very wise men and women that have walked the same path and come out on the otherside stronger, wiser, and happier.

Please don't feel bad for posting to us. In my case, it is a gift for me to be able to give back to others. I know how devistating something like infidelity is to one's soul.

Your list sounds like a great start for you.

I knew I was getting better when I stopped "staring" at the past and stopped the obsessive thinking about it. Today, it is in its proper place as just another part of my history.

Welcome!

jb3199 posted 1/5/2014 12:47 PM

However, she tells me that I should be a man and fix my family. She says that if I leavd her, then Im not man enough to take care of her like OM. Shes not going about this the right way. She still wants to hurt me.

She wants to hurt you because she doesn't respect you. In her warped mind, it is you who are the weak one....because her actions have floored you.

You may believe that you are weak. A person like you, who I am sure perceived himself as a strong individual prior to her infidelity, seems so lost that he feels paralyzed to take action.

You are stronger than you believe. You will see this once you take back control of your life.

As for the counselors, they are right on at least one point---that being textbook. If you tell us you next plans of action, we could give you a highly accurate prediction of the possible outcomes. And that IS because your wife has a textbook wayward behavior. But what your counselors are wrong about is that she is *fixable*....especially if you get her back to counseling.

THEY CAN'T FIX HER. YOU CAN'T FIX HER.

All they can do is help....if she is willing to try to fix herself. She is nowhere near that point right now. They can't fix you either---all they can do is help.

I said before that you need to get angry. Don't accept this horseshit behavior from your wife. Please get to a lawyer, and learn your rights. Start separating finances. Start working towards divorce, because that is where you need to be heading---as long as your wife behaves like this.

Show her some real consequences. Show her that cheating, lying, non-empathetic people need to get the hell out of your life. Show her the door---both literally and figuratively. If she won't leave...which she legally does not have to do, show her what life will really be without you. There will be no *fall back* plan that she currently believes. You will not finance her fucked up behavior.

You can get out of this state of despair. You just have to put yourself in action.

You can do this.

Justgreatnews posted 1/5/2014 12:55 PM

I predict that if you cut her loose, she'll be crawling back in 6 months when she see how hard it is for her to find any man that will be interested in anything more that free sex from her.

Reliable, responsible and decent men grow more scarce all the time.

She may not be interested in that now, just skanking; but someday. Also, in 6 months she may reveal herself to be such a skank you can't imagine living with her again. You likely deserve more.

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 13:52 PM

I wanted to add that the OM was not some easy oportunity, such as: work friend, neighbor, friend and so on like the usual MLC'ers OM's.

This was an old high school friend she "had not seen" in 13 years. They reunited via...... Wait for it.... Yup.... FACEBOOK! Thanks facebook.

Anyway, he has live about ten min from our house for about 5 years. Also, his house was on the way into town, so any trip to the supermarket, lowes, coffee, meant passing his neighborhood.

I fear they had been at this for years.

Based on your experiences, what do you think about her maybe doing this on and off for a long time with him or others.

I believe that after what she did and put me through, she is and has been capable of ANYTHING. Im terrified to find out.

They both "came clean", but they may have mutually aggreed to only confess to their most recent affair.

Any thoughts? I cant help but to obsess.

You guys a wonderful

[This message edited by PRNDL at 1:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

LAFA posted 1/5/2014 16:03 PM

At this point, it doesn't really matter if she has been at it with this OM or others. You already understand that you need to D and you are in a good mindset in keeping your sons best interest in first place. Detachment leading to indifference to this broken woman is your sanest long term path. Other wiser posters are giving you great advice. Be good to you and your son. I wish you peace.

CATransplant posted 1/5/2014 20:07 PM

PRNDL I am sorry you are going through this. What she did is so wrong in so many ways. I hope that you try to focus on yourself only. You deserve so much more than apparently she is capable of giving anyone. I hope that your future looks bright soon.