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User Topic: Triggers from memories during the affair time
♀ 41321
Member # 41321
Frustrated  Posted: 3:29 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else get triggered by things that make you remember the time that the affair was going on (before you found out about it)?

Tonight I was looking through old photos of my daughter on my phone and came across a photo of myself in a nice dress that I send via text to WH in early August. At the time I knew something was wrong but didn't know it was an affair. That memory brings back all the feelings of not being good enough, feeling unwanted/unloved... and it doesn't even have anything to do with the affair, it just happens to be from the same time period. Even photos of my daughter, who was only a few months old at the time, sometimes act as triggers. I hate that what should be happy memories are tainted by the affair. Will they ever go back to being happy memories or should I just resign myself to the idea that I'll always have a negative reaction to memories from that time?

Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Alaska
♀ 41540
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about this so much since I found out about my WH 9 year affair just over 5 weeks ago. My memories of the 9 years are so tainted now - every time I think of something that happened during that time I now think of the lies he was telling me and what he was doing with that slut.

I feel like they have stolen my past as well as my future.

I can't imagine feeling any different but I hope you manage to. We are in a hell we had no choice in going to. (((Hugs)))

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes yes.

A friend of ours recently ran across some pictures of us, with our little daughter taken many years ago- and gave them to us. Even put them in some little frames. I looked at them, and could tell that they were taken around the time of the affair.

I later noticed that my wife had trashed them, frames and all. Kind of appreciated that.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ 38716
Member # 38716
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might be one of my biggest problems in getting past the A - the memories that are now ruined.

It's the hardest thing to forget and the hardest to forgive, for me.

I wish I had any suggestions on how to see the past in a different light, but I haven't figured it out myself yet. :(

Good luck to us all

BW, 31, two young kids

One day at a time....

Posts: 61 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, it's the stuff pre dday that gets me. When I was SURE he'd never do this to me. I want to go back there.

Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Kentucky
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I totally get this. Gifts, memories, photos, holidays.... Everything I thought was a great or fond memory is tainted. Last night we were watching a series that I love, he has watched it with me for 2 seasons. As we were watching the reruns, he was asking me questions about the show. It hit me, the reason he didn't remember was because when we watched the show before on Sunday nights. It was the night before he would be flying out the next morning so of course he was texting OW making plans for his week with her.

Don't even get me started on the movies they went too and how bad the triggers are when I hear them.

I don't have advice, just wanted to confirm that you aren't alone. (((Hugs)))

ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 26,16, 15 and 13
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
♂ 35308
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes....yes ....yes
over the Christmas Holidays our daughter stayed with us for a week. and we watched home movies all the way back to 1987.

All i could think about during the films...WW, daughter , myself and my WW's parents watched for a few days...was ok what year was this taken..

and was that during the time my WW was fucking her former boss. ..i hope that someday all that will fade into the distant past.. but for now, it is all too fresh.

Everytime, we leave the country, I see the date stamps in my passport..and know within 1-2 weeks of several vacations, she went on what i was told was a business trip for work and was a
AP hookup vacation.

Yes...its all tainted...and your life was a lie...

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"

Posts: 163 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course. So much of my past was tainted by the affair that there is not much about it that is not painful to remember. The times alone with my children are still happy memories, but there are no memories of my marriage during that time that does not trigger me obviously.

Pre A memories are good, but they were so long ago that they are foggy now.

I feel like they have stolen my past as well as my future.

Yes, the past has been stolen, but not the future. Perhaps the future as we envisioned it, but that was false anyway. I will build my future with my eyes wide open now, and that will be real, whatever that will be.

we watched home movies all the way back to 1987

We have been doing this also. Just had them all converted to DVDs. We watched 6 hours worth, but I hesitate to watch any more because the A years are approaching.

It's the hardest thing to forget and the hardest to forgive, for me.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 34543
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. There was never a time when he wasn't cheating. Every time I am reminded of something he did that was kind, I wonder if it was because he had just finished cheating on me. All the flowers, gifts, etc. He had said, "As long as I made you happy, what did it matter?" So now, every time I look back on our "happy" times, they are ruined. It's true: it was all a lie.

D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 801 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
♀ 39567
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must admit that my past floods back with attachments of the A. All of the conversations, activities, outings with FWH comes back in full force but with different feelings. I usually begin to put the background we shared with what I know of where or what he was doing or thinking at the time of the A. Some of the memories are ruined forever, and some are not understood. I can't say this a pleasant time but it now is our history. I guess now I know why I always hated history.

M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage and colour slides from our 'going steady days through our marriage and the birth of our 2 children, right up to 2009 when I finally got the truth..40 years tainted with the double betrayal and lifetime of lies and omissions.. I can't bring myself to even look at them again.

..what a sad testament to a life lived under a blanket of deceit.


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 70
Her 66
Married 45 yrs (together 49)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4963 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this is definitely a struggle for me too. Lately I've been having a lot of "a-ha!" moments. I'll remember a time when he was cruel, or treated me badly, or simply not around. And at the time I was just hurt and confused. Now I look back and at all makes sense because of the A.

I can say that for the 8 years we were together, I was blissfully happy for the first 7. Happier than I've ever been in my life. I'm thankful for those wonderful memories, and I grieve that it all had to come to an end. But that was his doing, not mine. That's the point where I feel like the wonderful man I married died.

Hugs to you, hang in there.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had that happen today. Was thinking about seeing some bald eagles in the nest (going to be passing them) wishing I had binoculars. Went immediately back in time when I was watching him with binoculars and remembering when he "met her" on day. I almost caught them that day.....the bottom fell out of the rest of my day. I am so nervous and just want to cry. It all started thinking about looking at some bald eagles today!

Makes me wonder if it will ever end!!! I haven't wanted to discuss it with him. I want to go hide in the shower water bill is going to be huge!

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 31722
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in!

We just went on a cruise, with DD. On about day 3 I remembered that we had used this cruise line in 08, when we decided to push thru the crap going on with DS and NW, and reconnect.

Well, since I didn't find out about bitchface until 09, I feel like a stupid, stupid fool. He had her for a least a year before that trip, and a year after.

I will never go on that cruise line again! (don't really like it anyways )

Did he remember too? I bet my last dollar not, since he shoved all the unpleasantness down when I found out.

Why do WE have the feelings, and memories, and they just go off la-te-da??? Makes me want to slap him along side the head!

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1599 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this happens to me. It used to happen a lot more. But ever since my WH provided a timeline of the affair and it confirmed that I wasn't crazy, I haven't had those feelings as much. I still have them, but with much less frequency.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. Our couch and some of the hotels in our neighbourhood are triggers for me. I figured I had to fight them if I wanted to leave the house and considered getting a new couch.

Anger helped a lot! Anger at letting the OM win by taking these things from me. I decided to push any A thoughts out of my mind at the sight of those things.

At first my success rate was zero. At 10 months out, I can nap on my couch without thinking about it. Christmas triggered the hell out of me, specially putting up the tree. I tried anger, but just became sad.

Toward the end of December I felt better about the tree. For me, what's working is actually facing the triggers and feeling everything that comes with them and reacting with anger/sadness. Not violent anger, just general anger if that makes sense.

Also, when I'm at home and my thought patterns start going in a destructive circle, I pet the cat. It helps break the cycle of negative thoughts.

Those are my best tips. I'd say I'm at least 50-60 per cent myself again after 10 months.

Stay strong and good luck.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Photos are sad. H coworkers are upsetting. They were and remain OW friends. (shes moved on) His office is strictly off limits. Major trigger still. And sadly, my son. He was in high school. He had a Troubled relationship with his dad, saw some of our fighting. Then went off to college. He is very watchful when he returns. its uncomfortable. Son and I are very close. Its uncomfortable to have all three together. For him, things are in the same place. And his relationship with his dad has improved, but still not too trusting of it...NOt how I invisioned home from school visits.

Two things currently happening: OW is getting married to another older man, coworkers are all buzzing and invited. another Coworker is leaving his family, to go work out of town, for 6 months.... Making the story short, its an exact repeat of H careeer. Huge marriage mistake.triggers have gotten less painful, but it does make you relive.
I have always heard 5 yrs out is when things feel better. I believe thats how long the memory is for details. When details fade, pain fades. JMHO

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:09 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 3000 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
♂ 41891
Member # 41891
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW's OM was our daughter's softball coach for several seasons. Team pics are all over my daughter's room.

The new season starts in a month.

Me: BH, 50+
Her: WW, 50+
D-Day 12/27/2013 3-month PA with family friend

But also:
Me: WH, 50+
Her: BW, 50+
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened over 15 years ago w/coworker)

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a picture of our daughter on her wedding day. FWH is kissing her on the cheek. Every time I look at it, I think that's the year he started cheating and that's the month when his 7 year LTA began. This used to be my favorite photo of that day. Now it just makes me incredibly sad.

BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years

D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Mar 2012
♂ 36031
Member # 36031
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this totally covers a conversation topic from yesterday.

The OM was our "friend" who lived across the street. Now every memory involving that period is tainted, even prior to the A. Being able to discuss it openly without getting confrontational is the only way I see to be able to recapture that period of our lives.

Tough go, but consider the progress to get to this point... perspective, right?

It's our old pal, TIME.

Me BH (48)
Her FWW (39 + 1/2)
Married 12+
2 Angels 8 10
D-Day Feb 1 2012
6 month EA PA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 21
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