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nevergiveup10 posted 1/5/2014 07:09 AM

Just spent a week in Orlando with my BS and my kids, (I am not currently living at home) had a great time and things went great between my BS and I.

We left yesterday and she was looking at Facebook on my phone and noticed that someone my AP was friends with "liked" a photo I had posted of my wife and I while on the trip. She got very angry and said now she can see this! Why do you still have him as a friend? I profusely apologized and said I must have missed him when deleting all those people. She said you're just doing it cause you got caught.

Honestly, it wasn't intentional. I really thought I had cleaned up all that stuff. I have expressed I am an open book.

It just sucks because I feel like it just washed away all the progress we made this week. Her wall is back up and I am trying hard not to be pissed off. I know this is my fault for not triple checking, maybe I am just Mad at myself.

I need some help to get out of my own head.

Unagie posted 1/5/2014 07:13 AM

Why are you still on Facebook? A lot of us waywards delete all social media accounts. Anyone who should be in your life you should trust to give your number to.

Kelany posted 1/5/2014 07:33 AM

Facebook is not the problem here. You can not blame anything/anyone here.

You may want to consider deleting all social media in effort to help your wife feel safe.

nevergiveup10 posted 1/5/2014 08:02 AM

I would have deleted the account but she wanted me to keep it. I doesn't matter to me whether I have it or not

Alyssamd24 posted 1/5/2014 08:03 AM

While I believe that it was an honest mistake on your part, I also think you should delete fb...i offered to get rid of fb many times but my bh reperatedly said I didn't have to...however he was extremely relieved when I finally closed my account. ...especially since fb was my main way to comunicate with my XAP.

Anyone that really wants to stay in touch with you will still be able to

Daisy1967 posted 1/5/2014 08:21 AM

Sweetness and light. Magic fairy dust.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:24 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

Brandon808 posted 1/5/2014 08:41 AM

BH here and I agree with deleting fb. Do not tell her it is to avoid being accused of things you did not do. That kind of statement will come across as defensive and invalidating her pain. Worst-case scenario she'll suspect you of being "up to something" if she feels you're being defensive.

You're deleting fb because no benefit of having it will ever outweigh the pain it can cause her. Period.

lostmylight55 posted 1/5/2014 08:48 AM

Did you ever consider that nevergiveup10's BS triggered and her response is normal under the circumstances.

My AP started working her way into our group through mutual friends and began pursuing a friendship with my BS. I am so very ashamed I did not have the backbone to tell her to back off. This was one of the things that hurt her the most, that I didn't protect her from this woman. I have come to understand why I did nothing and have grown as a result, but it is very deep wound for my BS.

nevergiveup, you wrote this in one of your older threads. It's obvious why your BS is upset.

Her wall is back up and I am trying hard not to be pissed off.

You should be careful about this kind of thinking. If you are mad at yourself, acknowledge that you are mad at yourself for bringing this original problem into your relationship and deal with that. Try not get defensive over the FB issue.

[This message edited by lostmylight55 at 8:48 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 1/5/2014 08:53 AM

Deleting it is a safe option. If your BW doesnt want you to delete it, why not ask her to sit down with you and go over contacts together and remove anyone that does not make her feel safe. Work together.

unfound posted 1/5/2014 08:54 AM

She may want you to keep the account so she can gather information (be it trust building or just checking up on you). On the other hand, she may be saying she wants you to keep it just to see if you will proactively delete it yourself.

Early on, even innocent things can affect a BS, because she doesn't have the trust yet to believe it's innocent. She doesn't know, and will probably not know for a long while yet. Is it fair? No. Is it a consequence, a sucky, but realistic consequence? Yeppers. Could you have triple checked? Sure. Could you still have missed this friend? Yes. Thing is, it's done. So now what? How can you try to prove to her that you understand her feelings, take responsibility for your actions (past) that have caused her mistrust and reassure her that you are willing to do everything she needs to rebuild that trust.

Talk with her about this. Acknowledge her wish of keeping a FB, and suggest deleting this one and opening another where you can both have access to again and choose which friends to accept together. Offer again to delete and not reopen another one.

Whatever you do, delete it or not, don't do anything without talking with her about it first.

Alyssamd24 posted 1/5/2014 09:27 AM

Forgive me if I misread your words and took it the wrong way but it seems you feel like never give ups BS has no reason to be upset?

With all due respect to him, she does have reason to be upset. Even if it was a innocent mistake on his part, she is probably being triggered by seeing a friend of the AP on his fb's a consequence of his bad choices (like we all have consequences for our own bad choices).

Though it may be frustrating at times, it is on him (and all of us WS) to do what we need to help our BS heal.

Kelany posted 1/5/2014 09:31 AM

Daisy, you may be projecting your situation with your anger and resentment towards your BS onto Never. If you don't know his back story, you might not understand why his BS triggered. His BS's feelings are very valid.

mof2 posted 1/5/2014 09:35 AM

I agree and don't agree. Facebook is trouble for those people who can't use it properly like my ex H. My ex H and I both have had a FB since 2008. I used it to keep up with old friends. I loved my ex H and was committed to our marriage and would not have strayed. He on the other used it as a "flirting" tool. I caught him flirting with a couple of women and had him delete them as friends. I finally let go and tried to trust him and he started flirting again and that one stuck. And when he left me for OW he added the girls I made him delete back on his Facebook. These are grown ass people. Either they are committed to there marriages or not. Facebook really isn't the problem it is there bat shit crazy minds that are the problem.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 1/5/2014 09:47 AM

I would have deleted the account but she wanted me to keep it. I doesn't matter to me whether I have it or not

Think again. If fb really doesn't matter to you, then why are you posting photos?

sinsof thefather posted 1/5/2014 11:09 AM

We left yesterday and she was looking at Facebook on my phone and noticed that someone my AP was friends with "liked" a photo I had posted of my wife and I while on the trip. She got very angry and said now she can see this!

With my very limited understanding of Facebook I took the problem to be not so much the man liking the photo, but that because he 'liked' the photo that now OW can now see it too because she is on his friend list. If that is correct then it's like OW was given another window of opportunity to invade your wife's privacy again. Even though it was accidental on your part the result was that the OW still got access to that photo and got to look at your wife and know what you and your family were doing. I can very much understand your wife being both triggered and angry about that. Personally I'd delete the account altogether. But at the very least you have to unfriend any mutual friends you have with OW.

AFrayedKnot posted 1/5/2014 11:17 AM

If the OW is blocked by both you and your BS then she will not see anything from you no matter who likes what. you will both essentially be invisible to her

ETA: we not only blocked all OM's but we also unfriended every mutual friend just in case.

[This message edited by Chicho at 11:21 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Daisy1967 posted 1/5/2014 12:03 PM

Sweetness and light. Magic fairy dust.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:23 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

pointofnoreturn posted 1/5/2014 12:49 PM

I'll echo what Chico said: deleting and remaking seems to be the fairest compromise. That way you can run it through her if you get any friend requests. Go with her to reblock to OPs. This would be the safest bet if she wants you to keep your Facebook. Oh! And give her your password as well.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/5/2014 12:55 PM

Facebook can be dicey for sure.

And I agree with other poster who pointed out the larger issue here that you were pissed off that her wall was back up. (Although trying hard not to be)

While your disappointment with her walls being back up is understandable, it's to be expected that one way or another, FB or something else, and your W will be triggered.

Even though you tell her you're an open book, you gotta know that it's going to take a long time for her to trust and feel safe again.

It's wonderful that you are on the road to R, and it will be more healing for both of you if you take responsibility for the larger wounds each time she's triggered. And if you get pissed off, make sure she knows you're mad at yourself, and not at her for triggering, doubting or questioning.

Best to you!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 1/5/2014 13:52 PM

I created a FB page for my H shortly after d-day, but I was the administrator of it. That way, I would know if anyone tried to contact him. He didn't even start using it until recently. His friends are mostly friends from growing up and I've not really seen any issues from it. I guess it's all in how you handle it. *shrug*

ETA: I have a couple of FB friends who are FWSs (female) that I met on here and I'm glad they kept their FB because we're great friends, now.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

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