I don't know where to start but I am so grateful for finding this forum. My hoe is that it will give me strength. One things I know for sure is that this situation has definitely brought some of our marital issues into the light.
In early 2013, my husband began working on a project out of state. He would come home approximately three days a month and I went out for two weeklong visits. In August we got into an argument because as he was leaving he said I didn't treat him like he wanted to be treated. I felt guilty because we didn't see each other much and I didn't want his trips home to be constant honey-do lists. That trip he visited friends and we did semi-normal things that we would do when he was here full time.
Meanwhile, while he was back at work, he texts/emails/calls me constantly and always answers whatever form of communication I use to contact him immediately. In September we met in a neutral location to see what was going on. I got the ILYBIANILWY speech along with I don't feel any spark. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. He contacted me and said he wanted to work on things. As a side note the project was supposed to be over in Oct, then, Dec, then Feb, and now March.
In Oct when I went to visit home, we had a good time. We went site seeing and had a lot of quality time. He wanted until the end of November to decide if he could wholeheartedly be in the marriage.mi should have 180d him then but I was in the dark.
November came and he said he wanted to work things out. He changed his schedule and was going to start being a t work two weeks and working from home for two weeks. He came home for Thanksgiving got the first two weeks. I suspected something. We discussed a possible inappropriate relationship with a woman he met in a class he took while away. He said there was nothing to worry about. I watched him with his phone (it had a password when it didn't used to). When he was in the shower I looked at his emails and texts. Nothing from her.
He went back to work. He came home just before Christmas. Things were awkward but we were spending time together and trying to regain our relationship. I began to feel that he was being distant and starting experiencing anxiety about it. I watched him with his phone but the password had changed. On 12/27 he was asleep and I couldn't focus anything. I went I to the other room to distract myself. I figured out his password again. I looked at his emails and texts and found nothing. I put the phone down but couldn't shake the feeling. I looked at it again. This time at private messages on FB. It was right there. I am not sure how long it has been going on. He says a few months but I am not sure. I left the house one Saturday to clear my head and he met with a MC. When I got home he said he wanted to work things out. He texted the OW and said he could no longer have contact with her.
We saw a show on Sunday because it was part of a Christmas present, we had a good time but on the way home he got weird, he said he wasn't sure he could give her up. I was devastated. I really need to to get off of this roller coaster.
We both met with the MC on Monday. WH wants to be neutral for an undisclosed amount of time. I think that means neutral with me and in a relationship with her but that is just my opinion. Stupidly I agreed to it.
I contacted the oW via PM. We talked at length. She is married to a supposedly abusive man. (they both don't want me to tell him because he may become more violent with her. I am not sure I believe it.) She says she never wanted this to happen and it should have never gone that far. She is not planning on leaving her husband and is concerned about WH and her age difference. Also she wants children and he does not. She wants to give us a shot but is not sure she can let him go either. This may all be BS how should I know who to trust?
So for the week I tried to nice him. I was trying to be everything I imagined our relationship could be. He told me I was becoming the wife he always wanted.
1/2/14...WH called me at work. His out of state bosses want him to come back full time through March. I verified that was true. He told them he needed to talk to me first. I asked him two questions. First, have your feelings changed? He said no. Second, what has this past week made you feel? He said guilty. Then I said go. We are separating (not sure about legally yet) Please do not talk to me about our personal lives our conversations will be minimal and financial only.
We have a lot of debt. I think both of us spent money to fill some other need, I am not sure what to do about cutting that down. Anyway we worked out a plan to work on that for the next three months since he will continue to make extra money while there.
He left last night, I have a plan sort of. I am going to consult an attorney in the next few weeks to see what my options are. I am going to see my doctor for my yearly physical and to get myself tested for STDs. I am going to focus on myself. I may more independent now because he has been gone for so long but it is still terrifying.
Here are my questions for the group...
WH has to be here once a month. How to I continue the 180 when we are in the same house?
If he asks to R and I agree, how do I do that while he is still on this project?
How can I trust him when he is that far away? He gave full transparency this past week but how does that happen long distance?
Do I believe what they say and not tell the SOW? I almost feel like if I told it would give the A a stronger bond.
I have been reading things on this site since Friday. I know all of you have valuable advice.i am open to any insight or suggestions, BTW I have been in IC since September.