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So many doubts...

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BarelyAfloat posted 1/5/2014 09:13 AM

I don't know where to start but I am so grateful for finding this forum. My hoe is that it will give me strength. One things I know for sure is that this situation has definitely brought some of our marital issues into the light.

In early 2013, my husband began working on a project out of state. He would come home approximately three days a month and I went out for two weeklong visits. In August we got into an argument because as he was leaving he said I didn't treat him like he wanted to be treated. I felt guilty because we didn't see each other much and I didn't want his trips home to be constant honey-do lists. That trip he visited friends and we did semi-normal things that we would do when he was here full time.

Meanwhile, while he was back at work, he texts/emails/calls me constantly and always answers whatever form of communication I use to contact him immediately. In September we met in a neutral location to see what was going on. I got the ILYBIANILWY speech along with I don't feel any spark. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. He contacted me and said he wanted to work on things. As a side note the project was supposed to be over in Oct, then, Dec, then Feb, and now March.

In Oct when I went to visit home, we had a good time. We went site seeing and had a lot of quality time. He wanted until the end of November to decide if he could wholeheartedly be in the marriage.mi should have 180d him then but I was in the dark.

November came and he said he wanted to work things out. He changed his schedule and was going to start being a t work two weeks and working from home for two weeks. He came home for Thanksgiving got the first two weeks. I suspected something. We discussed a possible inappropriate relationship with a woman he met in a class he took while away. He said there was nothing to worry about. I watched him with his phone (it had a password when it didn't used to). When he was in the shower I looked at his emails and texts. Nothing from her.

He went back to work. He came home just before Christmas. Things were awkward but we were spending time together and trying to regain our relationship. I began to feel that he was being distant and starting experiencing anxiety about it. I watched him with his phone but the password had changed. On 12/27 he was asleep and I couldn't focus anything. I went I to the other room to distract myself. I figured out his password again. I looked at his emails and texts and found nothing. I put the phone down but couldn't shake the feeling. I looked at it again. This time at private messages on FB. It was right there. I am not sure how long it has been going on. He says a few months but I am not sure. I left the house one Saturday to clear my head and he met with a MC. When I got home he said he wanted to work things out. He texted the OW and said he could no longer have contact with her.

We saw a show on Sunday because it was part of a Christmas present, we had a good time but on the way home he got weird, he said he wasn't sure he could give her up. I was devastated. I really need to to get off of this roller coaster.

We both met with the MC on Monday. WH wants to be neutral for an undisclosed amount of time. I think that means neutral with me and in a relationship with her but that is just my opinion. Stupidly I agreed to it.

I contacted the oW via PM. We talked at length. She is married to a supposedly abusive man. (they both don't want me to tell him because he may become more violent with her. I am not sure I believe it.) She says she never wanted this to happen and it should have never gone that far. She is not planning on leaving her husband and is concerned about WH and her age difference. Also she wants children and he does not. She wants to give us a shot but is not sure she can let him go either. This may all be BS how should I know who to trust?

So for the week I tried to nice him. I was trying to be everything I imagined our relationship could be. He told me I was becoming the wife he always wanted.

1/2/14...WH called me at work. His out of state bosses want him to come back full time through March. I verified that was true. He told them he needed to talk to me first. I asked him two questions. First, have your feelings changed? He said no. Second, what has this past week made you feel? He said guilty. Then I said go. We are separating (not sure about legally yet) Please do not talk to me about our personal lives our conversations will be minimal and financial only.

We have a lot of debt. I think both of us spent money to fill some other need, I am not sure what to do about cutting that down. Anyway we worked out a plan to work on that for the next three months since he will continue to make extra money while there.

He left last night, I have a plan sort of. I am going to consult an attorney in the next few weeks to see what my options are. I am going to see my doctor for my yearly physical and to get myself tested for STDs. I am going to focus on myself. I may more independent now because he has been gone for so long but it is still terrifying.

Here are my questions for the group...
WH has to be here once a month. How to I continue the 180 when we are in the same house?
If he asks to R and I agree, how do I do that while he is still on this project?
How can I trust him when he is that far away? He gave full transparency this past week but how does that happen long distance?
Do I believe what they say and not tell the SOW? I almost feel like if I told it would give the A a stronger bond.

I have been reading things on this site since Friday. I know all of you have valuable advice.i am open to any insight or suggestions, BTW I have been in IC since September.


unfound posted 1/5/2014 09:50 AM

Welcome to SI Barelyafloat

WH has to be here once a month. How to I continue the 180 when we are in the same house?

Treat him as you would the teller at the bank you might see once a month or so. Polite, but not personal.

If he asks to R and I agree, how do I do that while he is still on this project?

R should be YOUR decision, not his. If he's waffling on making the decision to R or not, then make it for him by telling him that he can take as much time as he wants, but you may or may not be willing to when he does decide.

How can I trust him when he is that far away? He gave full transparency this past week but how does that happen long distance?

Distance will make rebuilding trust harder, but it can be done. What is he offering? Is he willing to look for a job that doesn't require him being away?

Do I believe what they say and not tell the SOW? I almost feel like if I told it would give the A a stronger bond.

99% of the time the old "my H is violent" is crap. She has a choice to leave him if she is in fear. Telling will usually not strengthen their "bond", but do the opposite IF your H is truly in NC with her.

You'll find great compassion and advice here Barelyafloat . Keep reading and posting.

jjct posted 1/5/2014 10:45 AM

Make a plan to tell the OBS,
make sure you do not tell your H you are going to do it.
Just do it -
with kindness and compassion
leave an email address or contact# if he wants further info,
but this is important:
let go of the outcome.

We've heard "the OBS is abusive" so much on here it's a running joke, page 28 in the cheater's manual, and all that...

If you get blowback from your H because you outed them,
guess what?
Yeah. He's still in contact.

Sending floating strength to you!

BarelyAfloat posted 1/5/2014 12:24 PM

Ok, so how do I go about telling the OBS. I have found him on Facebook but he is in another state. Should I try to locate a phone number?

On a side note, he already suspects something. He confronted my WH about a month ago.

I just found out about this.

childofcheater posted 1/5/2014 12:32 PM

Tell the OBS. OW will be so busy doing damage control she won't have time to interfere in your marriage and honestly once hers is threatened you'll probably be surprised how quickly she throws your Wh under the bus.


[This message edited by childofcheater at 12:32 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 12:46 PM

Hey there, Im so sorry for what happened. Im sorry your are in pain and confused. I too am new to this also and in pain, so my advice may not be that great. I will tell you that the 180 day plan helped me immensely! I would definitely start there. No matter what happens from here on out. I believe that the 180 day plan is designed to make or break the relationship, but its more to help the BS who imements it. Being in that LIMBO state is horrible. I did it for 7 months. I feel that the 180 day an breaks through limbo and puts the WS into a position where they have move on with the OP or R with BS.

million tears posted 1/5/2014 12:52 PM

I would try to get his phone number. I sent the BH an email. OW deleted it. I sent him texts. She told him I was unhappy so I wanted everyone around me unhappy. (we were all friends) I finally called him. Remember the OP can be crafty and they are liars. Usually good liars.

Skan posted 1/5/2014 13:22 PM

I'm so sorry. I'm glad that you found us for support.

Your WH is lying through his teeth to you. And so is the OW. As the above people have said, according to the betrayers, 99.999% of all BSs have abusive spouses. I'll bet you're one too! And of course, when one is being beaten every day, the VERY first thing on your mind is to go out and find another person to screw. Heck! You might get lucky and find Two, count-em, Two abusive people to beat you! Because that's soooo pleasurable!

Tell the BH. Compassionately, as you would have wanted to be told. And then let go of the outcome. 10 to 1 the OW throws your WH under the bus so that she can try to salvage her life.

First off, please take a look at The Healing Library. Its in the upper left corner in the yellow box. Take a look at the first couple of pages in this forum and read the posts that have bulls-eyes next to them. All of this is good information written by people who have been there, done that, for you.

Tomorrow, please see a lawyer and find out what your rights are for divorce or legal separation. File, as this will keep him from squandering what assets you have on the OW or anyone else. Ask for sole possession of the house and then change the locks. He may be required to come back to town once a month as per his work but that's not your problem any more. He fired you as wife. He's an adult he can make his own arrangements and deal with the consequences of his choices.

Please keep coming back for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

BarelyAfloat posted 1/5/2014 19:21 PM

So I know I am not supposed to be communicating with WH. He left yesterday to go back to work. I felt there were things I still needed to say. I laid out my expectations. I told him that while he was deciding what he wanted, he could not have a relationship with either of us. If he is away from me to decide, he cannot find solace in her. If he does, I am done. There will never be a chance for R. I told him that. I also laid out my requirements for R; NC, transparency, MC/IC, STD test, etc. I laid it all on the line. What did I have to lose? I told him my expectations of a marriage and a husband and that he couldn't step up and try to meet them that it may be best for us both to move on. I got a read receipt from the email. I don't know what to expect but tomorrow is a new day. I will try to keep working on myself and plans for my future.

Am I out of my mind? I just feel like I have to try everything so I have no regrets. Now that I have set boundaries (even about his trips back home until everything is resolved, I have some control back. He is going to do whatever he wants to do and I can't control that; however, I still have to live with the consequences of my actions.

I can't sit here days after day with him hundreds of miles away wondering if he is with her or if he is actually thinking about what he has done. Is he considering how this affects me? It doesn't really matter. I can't force him to show remorse. I can speak my mind and set my own rules.

CATransplant posted 1/5/2014 21:07 PM

BarelyAfloat, sorry you have joined us. I have to agree with Skan. You need to protect yourself. I hope everything else will resolve itself with as little pain to you as possible. SI is here for you as are we. May you find some peace within yourself.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/6/2014 04:19 AM

BarelyAfloat, you're right in the place that 99% of us were in at one point.

Please keep in mind that cheaters lie. A lot. Whatever cock and bull story these two gave you about their crappy little affair, you can assume it's a watered down version of the real truth.

Secondly, if you're separated, you don't have to allow him back in the house once a month. Perhaps your lawyer will tell you differently from a legal standpoint, but "separated" doesn't mean a part time arrangement when it's convenient for HIM to come home so you can do his laundry and cook for him. It means separated. So I'd tell your husband he needs to make alternate arrangements for those once a month times he comes back to town. Why the hell should YOU run a bed and breakfast for someone who showed you and your marriage absolutely ZERO respect? Secondly, allowing him back in the house once a month gives him the COMFORT and SECURITY of still having his home and family - the same one he gambled and threw away for his married OW. So STOP giving him the comfort and security of still having a marital home and wife while he gets to play single guy the other 3 weeks of the month.

My point is he can't have both. If he wants to be separated, then that means 100% separation - not some half-assed quasi separation that gives him BOTH his family life and his freedom. Doesn't work that way.

And lastly, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that blatant LIE about the OW's husband being "abusive," honest to God, I'd be rich. It's a CLASSIC bullshit story designed to keep you quiet. It's pretty damn sickening that her husband actually confronted your husband because he was suspicious, and your husband lied like a common thief to him instead of manning up and having a shred of integrity. What a complete coward.

You ABSOLUTELY need to tell her husband as soon as possible! The man has a right to know so HE can make the same informed choices that you're currently making. To not tell him is to keep their dirty little affair secret FOR them. And DON'T tell your manipulative, lying husband before you do it, either. He's all about saving his own ass no matter WHO he steps on to do it. Besides, he'll just tell you some other lame lie to try to keep you from telling her husband. He and his married OW have been sneaking liars for so long now that they only know deceit and lying - neither one of them would know truth, integrity or honesty if it were shoved up their asses with a shovel.

So tell her husband as soon as you can. It's the RIGHT THING to do.

Your biggest concern right now is getting to a lawyer ASAP. Find out your legal rights and options because NO ONE is looking out for you at this point. Take charge of your future, BarelyAfloat. Don't let him make any more decisions.

Good luck to you.

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