To make a short story long ,here goes...H has a regular,yearly,mandatory work conference in a warm,tropical locale(yeah,poor thing,right?!). It's 75% verifiable work,the rest is open time...with an open bar at the resort,partying after hours encouraged. It was at this same conference last year that H had a two night stand with a coworker,and the discovery of this ONS led to the discovery 2.5 months later of a 6 month LD PA with a different coworker. H has been all in with the work that comes with R-bumps here and there,but I have no doubts of his commitment to me,R,and our future. Could I say 100% that he won't cheat again? No. Can I say that he's a different man than the one that hurt me and our marriage? Yes. I trust him,but more importantly,I trust ME.
The problem? He leaves for this conference tomorrow,and I'm losing my mind,my heart is back to seeing the emails and texts between them that made me literally fall off my chair. My stomach is in knots. I don't want him out of my sight,I lost it this morning when he went to walk the dog. He got angry at me because he feels I'm "guilting him" and said that he doesn't want to even go on this trip(makes two of us,buddy!) because he's stressed about my stress. I want to yell and scream and throw things. I like the place I was,where I had some peace and perspective. Right now,I'm in that fucking pit again and I'm not sure how to get back my equilibrium.
We have Skype,I'll have his itinerary,he's promised to answer his phone whenever I call,with no excuses("left it in the car" "dead battery" "didn't hear your text tone"). I also told him that I need him to make me feel special while he's gone,that every day he needs to do something that screams "I love my wife" to me. Funny(and not ha-ha funny) thing is that I don't think he's going to do anything. I feel like he's changed,that he's seen and felt my pain and faced losing me and our family-and learned from it. But because of him,I am back to where I was almost a year ago,and I am so angry and hurting right now.
Any help appreciated.
There's NO way he can get out of it?
Could you go with him? There's no possible way?
One day at a time....
In all seriousness, I totally understand that this is taking you back. How could it not? I trust that my FWH would honor his marriage should he go to a conference, however I would be going with him and, if for some reason I couldn't, I would probably be eating my liver as well.
Is there any special thing that you can do for yourself while he's away? Some totally indulgent thing that you've wanted to do? This might be the time to do it.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Trying to keep it together,but I'm just feeling fragile right now.
Seriously, I would be hysterical. My H also has a similar type of work travel but there is no way either of us could handle it right now. Or any time soon.
Big, big hugs and lots of strength to you. :(
He just now texted me,saying he woke up about five minutes ago,had to rush to register for his conferences/training sessions,that he would call me as soon as he could. My response was "Last night was bad,_____,very bad. We're going to have to figure something out so it doesn't repeat itself. Feeling very fragile right now."
Torn between understanding that R has been a weight on both of us,and he probably did need a break from it and "Screw you,H...just screw you. Screw you for dragging me back to the place you put me in in the first place. Screw you for putting your need to blow off steam ahead of my need for safety." The teenage girl in me wants to simply ignore him for the rest of the trip,wants him to know what it's like to wonder what your partner is up to. That doesn't seem conducive to R,especially when R has been going well.
This brings up a lot of anxiety for me as my H also travels/travelled to these hot climate all inclusives. (Luckily for me we own our business and he doesn't want to go for the foreseeable future so I don't need to think about it for a while)
Did you have boundaries in place before he left re: drinking and skype etc?
My instinct is to tell him to get his sorry, cheating, hungover ass home today! I'm very upset for you.
I hope someone else comes along soon who perhaps isn't as triggered as I am. I'm probably not being at all reassuring or helpful. Oh, and as for him needing time away from the A... Forget it! You don't get a break, ever! It was his choice to cheat and tough luck if he needs a break, his primary focus in life needs to be you and helping you feel safe and loved and cherished and cared about. Going out and getting plastered on the same business trip he cheated on last year??? Aaarrrggg!!!
Ok, backing away now. Hugs to you.
I've worked these conferences for my old company and there was always a ton of drinking, cheating, and all around generally inappropriate behavior. I ALWAYS found a way to avoid this crap. I would show up for a drink and usually say I was going to talk to a customer, go back to my room, and watch TV. Other colleagues of mine did the same thing - we even shared strategies for avoiding everything! Whenever people would say "you can't avoid the partying" I would roll my eyes. No one is going to hold a gun to your head and tell you "get drunk and act like an ass or we'll fire you!"
Argh. I'm so angry for you!! I honestly think I would tell him he needs to make up some excuse and get his ass home so you can go to your MC to talk about what he did.
Hugs and strength to you.
Longer version-I totally lost my shit with H yesterday evening,it was pretty spectacular,sobbing,yelling,the works. He apologized for the drunken first night,offered the names and phone numbers of the guys he was with,as well as the room number slip with his food/drinks on it(has time/date stamp). He apologized for not setting up skype with me that first night...which I let him sweat for awhile before telling him he was too drunk to even remember that he HAD done it. Yesterday evening he was perfect...so much so I got sick of hearing from him-pictures every 15 minutes or so,intermitent skype so I could hear what was going on during the dinner/sightseeing,then we went to bed with skype on. It's been the same today,but as it's the last night,there's a big deal banquet and I'm sweating that a little.
Good Lord,I hate feeling like I'm keeping tabs on him like this,but right now,it's made all the difference between whacked out me and functioning me. Hoping that as time goes on,I'll need it less.
Thanks for asking....SI has been a godsend these last couple days!!
And so glad you're being inundated with boring pictures, no time to worry is a good thing!