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Obsessing and Self-Esteem

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HealingSought posted 1/5/2014 13:18 PM

WSO has been more than supportive during this time, as he should...HOWEVER I am having a really difficult time with obsessing over it all.

I know what the OW looks like, and she's beautiful! It makes me feel very insecure knowing what she looks like and the sexual history they had with one another for 6 months.

How do you STOP the obsessive thoughts? How do you go about rebuilding your self-esteem after such a blow?

It's been two weeks today since I found out about the A, and im not nearly as emotional as I had been, but I have LOOOONG way to go.

I was told to try and do 180, however, I only really did it for about one day and havent had the energy to keep up with it. WS would like to R after he addresses his personal issues with why he betrayed me in the first place.

Just having a hard time not comparing myself to her or feeling like "less" of a woman because of it all!

jstbreathe posted 1/5/2014 14:07 PM

You're not less of a woman, but he is certainly less of a man! She may be pretty on the outside, but is ugly on the inside. She is completely broken to seek a relationship with a married man. Also, you don't know what lies he feeds her too. I also think they create in their own minds what they want to hear. Nothing we are capable of understanding.

You can't make sense out of nonsense. Dr. Phil

heartbroken303 posted 1/5/2014 14:41 PM

Yes, I have a tough time with that too. What my WS saw in this OM.

The OM coward my wife slept with is ugly. And that makes it bad for me in the sense that I wonder how awful I must be for her to choose him over me.

But it's not really about that, so I suspect. It's mostly about my WS and the OM and their mental illnesses. They're living a delusion.

To STOP the obsessive thoughts I started meditating several times a day. And I'd meditate on myself feeling better, seeing clarity, accepting what's happening, and living for myself and my kids. I listen to bin-aural meditation tracks and imagine myself doing fine. I read self-help books on positive living, I walk, I run, I get away for myself.

It's working for me.

RealityStinks posted 1/5/2014 15:41 PM

I'm with HB303.

My WW is with a 53 year old. 23 years her senior, bald, big beer gut, just under 6', and nothing really special about him.

I, OTOH, am 29, in good shape, and 6'-3". She can wear whatever heels she wants to with me! My WW has gotten jealous countless times for other women checking me out in public. It drives her nuts.

So, it has very little to do with looks and physical appearance, IMO. It has everything to do with them being broken. It has NOTHING to do with YOU. That's a hard pill to swallow though, I know.

I don't know you you completely stop obsessing over it other than "time heals all". I would start the 180 back up if I were you. It is meant to help you feel better about you.

Hang in there.

HealingSought posted 1/5/2014 16:07 PM

Thank you for your confidence and words.

I am by no far stretch of imagination ugly. I actually think I am quite beautiful. She is too, but looks quite different that I do. So it oddly makes me compare.."what if" I was taller, or more darker complected, etc.

I will try not to keep "comparing" our obvious differences. You're right, it was his silly psyche, not my appearance, that caused him to do what he did.

BeyondBrokenInTN posted 1/5/2014 17:20 PM

Nothing we are capable of understanding.

Well said. I am driving myself crazy trying to understand. I may never. I do know he was broken. Porn, alcohol (which he became a functioning alcoholic when his 18 year old brother suddenly died unexpectidedly). BTW, my OW is very ugly, hideous actually, and I'm not just saying that. I don't think looks have ANYTHING to do with their AP's. It just makes me think you gave me up, us up for "that"? So you'd probably be going through what I am had your OW been ugly. I don't know which is worse.... Which is why I focus on how broken they are and ugly on the inside. ((Hugs))

flipper66 posted 1/5/2014 18:49 PM

dear healing sought,not sure but unless you've posted another thread on here how did you find out . did he confess to it or did you find or see evidence of the affair...?

also never compare yourself with someone else worst thing one person can do to themselves... ask any person that has self confidence issues most of their lives and you'll see what I mean... lol.. the reason I say that because I was one .. people who are like that are thr=eir own worst enemies... besides he originally married you for a reason and if he confessed would say to me that he valued you more than her in the end.. besides beauty is only skin deep and true beauty is what lies beneath that skin (your personality, kindness,loving individual) you can be beautiful on the outside but if your high strung ,self centered and high minded it can make you ugly person.. so her being physical better looking means nothing in reality.. case in point Arnold swartzenaggers wife was very beautiful but arny had an affair with the housekeeper which was no where near his wifes... doesn't make what he did right just shows my point...
also pay attention to these people on here they've been thru it so theyknow what works and what doesn't... my suggestion would get on the 180 and keep plugging along even when you think its not working eventually it will show an do its job...

aero1122 posted 1/5/2014 20:47 PM

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am 4 weeks from d-day and still obsessing about it. The OW is thinner and brunette while I am a blonde and more athletic. I know I am a beautiful woman but it makes me think why he chose her. But I know regardless of how she looks on the outside, she is a horrible ugly person because of her actions. She knew my WH was married with 2 kids. Stay strong and know you are a beautiful person!

PRNDL posted 1/5/2014 21:40 PM

Im sorry this is happening to you. Two weeks is very very fresh. Two weeks after I found out, I was in pieces. I dont know how long it will last for you, but the obsessions did not stop for me for 7 months until I moved out. I think the obsessions were my body telling me to freaking leave. As for the triggers, they never went away.

Thats just my experience. Please be very careful after to weeks. U cant be sure he stoped. based on all the case studies (posts I have read). It seems that the A always continues for awaile before it truly stops or just keeps going. Two of my therapist told me that A's are just like and addictive drug. They cant stop all at once.

My wife swore her A was over. 6 months later I found out it was still going on.

Please take care of yourself and look out for u. I know the 180D is hard. It took me 7 months before I had the strength to truly do it.

Take your time and watch your back. At least closly review the 180D rules.

RidingHealingRd posted 1/5/2014 23:34 PM

WSO has been more than supportive during this time

I was told to try and do 180, however, I only really did it for about one day and havent had the energy to keep up with it.

If WSO is "doing the necessary work" why would you need to try 180?

Obsessive thoughts are dreadful and so normal. My IC suggested that I do an activity that keeps me hands busy. Studies showed that when your hands are busy your brain does not wander to those obsessive thoughts. For me working on needlepoint gave my brain a much needed rest from the bad thoughts.

As for the self-esteem, it really did not take a big hit. I pride myself on my strength of character. As I told my WH on Dday, and my IC 1 week post Dday, "My WHs actions do not define me, never have, never will" PERIOD.

You are 2 weeks post Dday...that is SO recent. Wishing you strength. {{HealingSought}}

lilmonkey posted 1/5/2014 23:55 PM


I know exactly how you feel - I just posted a thread about almost the same thing. I constantly compare myself to the OW. I find myself to be beautiful and I get many compliments but the OW is also pretty, in a different way. She is "cute" and has many things I want: freckles, light hair, beautiful blue eyes, whereas I am darker and more exotic looking. She has many friends whereas I like to keep quiet and have a few best friends. She seems to be going about her life as if nothing has happened, whereas I am completely broken some days. I guess we all want what we can't have, right?

I find my self-esteem plummets when I think about it. It does not help that I see her 24/7 as she lives near me and she is also in the same social circle. She is also my wayward boyfriend's best friend's cousin (I know, it's a mouthful) so she is always around the best friend, who is always around my wayward BF. He avoids it at all costs now though.

What I do to help is do things to boost my confidence. I work out, I do charity work to help others, I treat others with kindness and go out of my way to do so, I doll myself up for no reason on occasions, I stay active, keep my mind busy, and make myself feel like I have so much to accomplish in life. When it boils down to it, I think to myself that I am so much better than her in all aspects. Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I sure as hell am confident that my beauty on the inside is universally acknowledged. Now that I have experienced the feeling of being betrayed, I know I sure as hell would never put another woman through that, no matter how much I wanted the person. She did exactly that though - putting her feelings before the feelings of others. I am not selfish like that. I am strong, and you are too.

I am in no way playing the devil's advocate here but sometimes I tend to look at the perspective of the OW. She had feelings for him long before I even knew him, and she truly thought that they would be together despite me (they were best friends who had on and off been together before we started dating). After their two-night stand, and he regretted his actions and told her that he loved me, she was apparently also heartbroken and didn't talk to friends for weeks and was depressed. Obviously not as sad as me, who was completely betrayed, but she was expecting him to requite her love and he didn't. I'm sure that hurt a lot. She is also, according to friends who know her, a very sweet girl from a very nice family. She also apologized to me once (although it was at a party and she was not exactly sober) and I think she knew it was a very big mistake. I am in no way accepting her actions (since lately, she has been a little cold towards me...) but if I hadn't had the experience of being cheated on... I might have done the same thing. If I was still madly in love with someone, had to opportunity to go for it but had absolutely no idea of how much it would hurt their stranger SO, I might have done it too. Now I wouldn't dare, because I would never want to put this unbearable pain on anybody else. But it is interesting to take a step into someone else's shoes for a little and gain perspective on it. I think having knowledge on multiple perspectives helps me grow. In fact, sometimes I pity her situation and end up feeling better about myself.

Good luck to you, you are beautiful and strong and you will overcome this. Anyone who has the heart and strength to R is beautiful.

[This message edited by lilmonkey at 11:59 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

HealingSought posted 1/10/2014 08:33 AM

Thanks so much for all your responses everyone, they're very helpful!

IamDyingInside posted 1/10/2014 10:44 AM

I can so relate to this. My WH chose a woman who was our daughters age, 20 years old at the time. He claims there was no sex but I have a hard time believing this. I feel so old, fat, wrinkled and ugly compared to her. This is something I have got to get over! It is such a self esteem blow. no other. Take care hun!

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 11:13 AM

Are there men hotter than WH? Do you still love WH?

That's what I remind myself. Its NOT all about looks. Its about how you feel about someone.

The fact that AP was "hot" doesn't matter - first she's probably not as good looking as you think, two she is a horrible black hole of a person, and three she has no morals or values at this point.

Who looks better now?

byefornow posted 1/10/2014 11:57 AM

I went out and bought myself all new bra's and panties. All lacy, expensive things. It truly helped me and my self-esteem each morning as I was getting dressed over these past few months to think of my new items. And, some days I am hoping my WH is wondering why I have all these new underclothes!

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