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Do separations work?

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Prayingforhope posted 1/5/2014 14:00 PM

At the request of my BS, we're separated. Not legally, just an agreement that I leave the house to give her the space to heal. Of course that meant turning in my wedding ring, she took her's off immediately, all the pictures of me have been removed from the house, she refuses any contact with me. Basically, I no longer exist to her.

Part of me thinks this is normal, since I'm THE trigger, i.e. who wants to be around or even look at a picture of the SOB that caused this much pain. I get that.

But my mind races uncontrollably now that I live outside my house. I've read everything there is to read on non-legal separations and we're definitely doing it correctly, i.e. we have ground rules, the kids are getting tons of focus, we're in MC, me in IC, etc.

BUT is this really going to help? I'm curious the experience of others in this same situation. Are there signs that this is headed in the right direction? Is there anything else I should be doing right now to help her? Thanks.

Darkness Falls posted 1/5/2014 14:06 PM

From my experience, it's bad news.

But others may have different/better experiences/advice.

Alyssamd24 posted 1/5/2014 14:51 PM

My BH found out about my A last December and kicked me out. I lived with my parents from then until September. .our DD (4) came with me and we split custody.

Since I have been back things have been better...though it is a constant struggle. In my case seperating did help us.

Let me know what else you want to know.

DeadMumWalking posted 1/5/2014 15:06 PM

jmho, but I think it is something to bring up during MC. You say you have 'ground rules', but do you (as a couple) have a GOAL for the separation? A defined time frame before re-evaluation?

I TOTALLY GET BS asking you to leave. I kicked my WH out several times, but always in a rather unplanned way. I would not say that it was especially productive, other than removing the main trigger (him) and not having the rugsweeping so in-my-face.

BUT: I think it would remove some anxiety from you both if you (again, as a couple) make some kind of a (tentative at least) road map. Of course, it might not work out that way, but that's when you re-evaluate.

I'm not sure how you're in MC if your BS 'refuses any contact with me'.

I also think that BS would benefit from IC as well, if that's a possibility.

In any case, it's still very early in the healing process. I couldn't tell you which way was up for over a YEAR. Some days happy and hopeful, sometimes couldn't stop crying for weeks at a time (while holding a full time job), sometimes so ANGRY that every other work out of my mouth was a curse word and nothing but venom aimed at WH.

So even IF you are doing everything 'right', you should not expect quick results.

Prayingforhope posted 1/5/2014 15:28 PM

No goal yet for the MC as we're taking this a week at a time. We spent the last two sessions before the holidays JUST sorting out how Christmas was going to work with me not around. It was a short-term roadmap, but we discussed it, we agreed and we executed it as planned, so a small win.

I appreciate the feedback, because yes, I would guess some sort of longer term (mid term) roadmap will be in the cards for the weeks ahead. Just so we have some agreed sense of where this will go.

Really helpful and yes, I always need to remind myself how EARLY I am into this process...

mchercheur posted 1/5/2014 16:47 PM

No stop sign so I hope it's OK if I post.

On Dday, I asked WH to leave. There was no way that he was going to continue living with me & the kids while he was "making his mind up" about OW. I did, however, allow him to have free access to the kids.
I told him that if we had any hope of us reconciling, he had to stop all contact with her.
They did NOT stop all contact for several months, therefore, we were separated for several months.

I wish someone had explained this to my WH on Dday, & maybe we would not have been separated for so long.

R seems to be going well for us now.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:30 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Daisy1967 posted 1/5/2014 18:38 PM

How do you have contact with your kids if she refuses to acknowledge that you exist?

Even at my DH's worst moments, he would have not tried to cut off the kids from me.

I have heard of separations working. Time to heal, and reflect.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 8:20 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

breakingpoint posted 1/5/2014 19:28 PM

I think that separations can be helpful if they are done carefully and with planning. YOu guys should schedule plenty of time for you to see your kids and first and foremost get to a cordial place for dealing with money and your boys.

I wonder why she took down your pictures and did away with the rings. Maybe her way of dealing with how angry she is?

One thing that she needs to consider is that it is going to be hard for her to heal if she gets thrown into a single mom situation. Day to day life will be more overwhelming, so time to deal with emotions will be limited.

Maybe you could give her a week or so to cool off then talk about a more healthy situation for your family.

womaninflux posted 1/5/2014 22:23 PM

It will work if both people decide they want to work on the marriage. She needs to work on herself in terms of healing. And you need to work on yourself to figure out why you did what you did. If you demonstrate you are making honest efforts to reconcile - i.e. NC, taking part in IC and MC, spending one on one time together (dating your spouse) - you have a better chance.

Prayingforhope posted 1/6/2014 04:06 AM

Wow, every time I read these responses I get more grateful SI exists so I can posts these questions.

First off, THANK YOU for the feedback, because I read this and it continues to give me hope. Like a lot of these posts (thank you for the BSs chiming in here), I think our separation is part of the longer-term solution (whatever that may be) and definitely part of her early management of the trauma I've caused.

My sense on the pictures and the rings is anger management as well. I don't want to get into details about how she took my ring from me, but it left me in pieces for days. In my worst nightmares I NEVER thought I would lose my wedding ring. I literally had not taken in off in over a decade.

With regards to the kids, this has been handled really well in terms of the NC. We have an agreed up schedule, when I am there with the kids and she is not. We're literally non-existent to each other as I leave just before she comes in, or she comes in, heads straight to her room until I leave, etc.

The amazing sliver lining to all of this is the kids are seeing more of me than they have in years AND a better version of me, since I'm not glued to my phone, stressed out from the lies, angry from not sleeping, or drinking, etc.

I did not want to believe it at the time when she asked me to move out (me being a selfish prick) BUT, the care for the children has actually improved since I left the house.

Again, thanks for the input as it helps me see the value of being asked to leave, especially in terms of taking care of my BS. More importantly, it helps me see it as part of the overall process to any future we may have. THANK YOU.

Daisy1967 posted 1/6/2014 09:34 AM

I know I will catch hell for not being totally sympathetic toward the BS without fail.


You have children together. You exist and she exists. Hurt or no hurt, she is not being real to herself or the kids if she gets to pretend you don't exist. It is not healthy to act like someone doesn't exist when you are married to them.

To me, this kind of thing is not dealing with the actual issues. IF it is temporary, okay, but obviously not good as a long term solution.

Prayingforhope posted 1/6/2014 10:17 AM

I'm hoping it's temporary until the initial anger calms down and we actually have a chance to talk...

Time will tell...

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