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Question
My wife was involved in an affair with a coworker. It lasted from June 2012 to July 2013. I'm told the physical part did not start until feb of 2013 but preceding that she would either show him naked pics of herself that she had on her phone or text him pics of herself.
We have been having a hard time talking about her A. There has been a lot of TT since she confessed in October. 
I understand she feels humiliated and embarrassed but I can't help wondering if that is the only reason. I get a lot of 'I don't knows' or 'I don't remembers'. That gets very frustrating after awhile because I am the type that wants to know everything. 
The hardest thing for her to talk about is the sex. She can't tell me when it began, when it ended. She cannot give me an idea of how many times they had sex either at work or at his apartment. These are things that are important to me.
But what bothers me the most is that she insists the sex was not enjoyable. I have a hard time believing that. It could possibly be true but for right now I don't believe that.
She tells me that she never thought it would progress to the physical part. She would send him pics so he would give her attention, tell her how pretty or hot she looked, make her feel wanted. I understand that. I know she has big self esteem issues. But on the other hand she told me that it reached a point where the pics weren't enough for him and he wanted something more. That's when she began giving him blowjobs at work because she did not want to lose the attention, her high, the feeling that she was exciting and wanted. Then the bjs got old and he wanted more so they started screwing at work.
I'm told whenever she gave him a blow job it was done as quickly as she could do it. There was no passion, no feelings. It was like she owed him this because her was giving her attention. I'm told the same thing about when they would screw. It was always in the same position and it would be over with very quickly. She really stresses the point that he never got what I got. He never got her heart, her passion. She just did what she felt she had to do. Isn't sex during an A usually exciting and passionate? Am I being handed a bunch of BS here or could it be true that the sex didn't mean anything to her...it was the price she paid for her fix?
For some reason that just does not sound right to me. I mean I was lied to constantly during her A so that it couldcontinue. The whole focus of her life was the A, getting her high. She stopped doing things that she loved to do, the kids suffered, I suffered. And all of that was because she could feel good about herself because someone new thought she was sexy? So much seems to be missing from her story but maybe I am missing something. I'm just trying to understand this but much of the time it just does not sound right to me.
She tells me everything is a blur; she lived for the moment and she didn't even realize the A went on for as long as it did. How could that even be possible; to lose track of time like that?
I'd appreciate some insight on this. I don't know if I am being to judgmental or maybe I am not seeing something right. I just want everything out in the open and I don't like feeling that there are things yet to be said. I don't want this to be white washed. What I want us to know what I am dealing with.

She just did what she felt she had to do.

That is total BS. She didn't HAVE to do anything. She CHOSE to do this. Don't let her make excuses. She chose to do it. Period.

It's also BS that she doesn't remember. She may not remember every detail, but she could tell you when it started, where it started. Can you tell her the first time you slept with her? I bet she can tell you the same thing about you and him.

Look, if you NEED to know more, keep asking her. But, IMO, if you want to R, and she is being remorseful and ACTING it out, you would better served to let the details go. You know she slept with him, gave him BJs, hid it all, and lied to you and your kids about it. Knowing how many times everything happened won't change the fact that she did it.

I struggle with the same questions you have should my WW return to our M. So, I understand where you're coming from, but I just wanted to share my view.

Hang in there man. You've been dealt a crappy hand for sure.

I'm super new to dealing with this but we are reading "her needs, his needs" at the recommendation of our MC. I thought it was premature to care about his needs but she really was insistent. We are on chapter 4 ( reading it together) but it has given me some clarity as to what the affair was about. It's not really physical - especially for women. She was trying to get fulfillment for something else - like physical appreciation or something. It might be a helpful book for you. Sorry I don't have more to offer you. If R is what you want - MC would probably help you understand her motivations more.

I feel your pain though - I feel like understanding the reasons for the A would help me heal and forgive. My WS says it wasnt for physical either.

GL.

What I want us to know what I am dealing with.

Just my opinion....I am NOT a shrink...

Seems to me you wife had a "shits and giggles affair"....these affairs are an ego stroking, escape from reality behavior that is their way of escaping from what I call "pre-affair issues".....for instance, my FWW suffered from depression, had self esteem issues, was an alcoholic..(clean and sober at the time of her affair - but cheated anyway) she basically traded one addiction for another....spending money, gambling, drinking, drugging, yes - even cheating.....its like a junkie looking for that "first high"...they like the "giddy feeling" of affairs...they get emotional gratification from the attention of the other guy....and will rewrite their marriage to justify their behavior....

Affairs are a feel good - quick fix for a lot of cheaters...followed by a period of depression....affairs are forbidden....new and exciting....often they think theyre "soulmates".....and "in love"....of course they're soulmates....if my wife didn't think they were "in love", she'd have to accept that she was a slut....KWIM? I didnt buy any of her bullshit.....

affairs are rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust. They are NOT reality - they are an "escape from reality".....remember....im talking about the the "shits and giggles" affairs....there are different kinds of affairs...revenge, exit, rekindled, etc...what kind is important...

I suggest you get your wife into IC to find out the "whys" of her affair....and get her to work on that....WHY (even if bullshit) is important...she says the sex wasn't enjoyable - I guarantee the "attention was"....its a matter of definition....and the attention was the sex...

If the remorse is genuine....and transparency is in place...(also NC with the OM) ...R is possible - get ready for a long ride....it is NOT easy....and takes a while...

take care...

Hope that helped....keep us posted...

Bufffalo

Thanks for the fullish narrative.I understand entirely. For me too, knowing everything was a big part of the healing, I wanted every truth I'd been missing. You'd think the sex must have been great,otherwise "why" but what you report she says does, for what my opinion is worth, does have a kind of plausibility. Not perhaps in all features but in overall characteristics. She,honestly,may well have been a kind of dippy daze with sex the least of it.If so, the problem for you then is -the truth doesn't sound true.
These adulteries are different, the people, the situations are different.Despite the temptation, they don' t fit any one pattern (for instance "the sex was great"- my pals who strayed have taught me that.)
For your future, as mine, the issues are/were:
Is she deeply sorry? Can she really promise "never again"? Is she honest- indeed capable of honesty? I'd say any "No" is a no go, unless of course you crazy love her. You will get through this; your writing conveys strength.
Best.

I get a lot of 'I don't knows' or 'I don't remembers'. That gets very frustrating after awhile because I am the type that wants to know everything.

I understand what you're saying here. Even though I don't want to know everything, there are some questions that I have, that seem very simple to me, and when I ask, I either hear "I don't know" or "I don't remember."

In my case, I think WH is trying to protect me from additional pain, while he is also trying to protect himself. Right now I believe that he does not want to divulge the depth of his affair(s) - I suspect more than one - so he is holding his hand very close to his vest.

We are working on this in MC, and I hope that I'll have full disclosre soon. But I honestly don't believe that he doesn't know or doesn't remember certain things, and I hope with the help of our MC, he'll understand that he needs to answer all of my questions to the best of his ability.

See that is my problem. I no longer know if this has become an obsession of mine or if it is something else, a sub-conscious urging to dig deeper.
I started building a timeline in January of 2013.Its a huge compilation of data. I have text messages, phone records, facebook posts, I have copies of many of the pics she sent, etc. I have taken each day that the A went on and broken it down as best I can but still I have so many questions. I thought that building this timeline would help me but as I sit here looking at it I realize how complex this thing is.
This was someone who would kiss me goodbye in the morning and go to work and have sex with her AP. She would text me that she loved me sometimes several times a day. If I confronted her about my suspicions I was given these elaborate beautiful lies that left me feeling that somehow I had mis-judged everything. I almost felt at fault for even bringing up my suspicions.
Once she confessed to the A it opened up all kinds of wounds for me. I would look at all the info I collected and realize the time and effort that had gone into keeping this A alive. It confirmed that all those things she told me were basically bullshit. The deception is what causes the most damage I think. It makes me wonder what was said? How did they feel? What did they do? And why? That is such a big question!
It all becomes the building blocks for endless mind movies. Its what becomes the start of blaming yourself, and even tho you know that is not the case, you still wonder what is wrong with me because it is so much easier to trash yourself.
So I want to know as much a I can about her A because then I can own it. Its no longer a mystery. Its not her story anymore but it becomes ours. I would love to know every little detail. I can handle hearing that. Whats hard to handle is answers like "I dont know" or "I cant remember".
But probably what is most important is that I see being told everything as some sort of proof that she wants to R. If she can sit there and tell me the whole story then that proves something to me. I guess it proves that she is being honest...because now you just know when you are being told the truth because it 'sounds' or 'feels' right.
But on the other hand maybe it is better to just forget about getting the details. Forget about getting answers and focus on R. But how do you do that? How do you shut down the movies, the triggers, the wondering what will happen if they ever run into each other again. You know all those unpleasant things that you did not have in your life before the A and that you never once thought you would ever have to worry about.

You all might find Joseph's Letter of some value. It got my WX to admit to previous A's that I suspected.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

loba
if your getting a lot of I don't knows and she doesn't remember she is still trying to cover her back side meaning your probably just scratching the surface of that iceberg... which means only 10% is exposed and the remaining 90% is hidden from view and this is what those that cheat try to do .. sometimes its because they know there is a ton more but afraid that if they reveal it of what your reactions will be there by the trickle trothing thing... I haven't posted my story yet but will soon.. however mine is more of those success stories that had some twists and turns ..
hang in there and as others most likely suggested read the healing library and hang out here to get info as to what you need to do in recovery either way you decide to go reconcillation or divorce.. I'm sure the veterns here will help you along and support you.. and believe it or not some of the women on here offer really good advice as well so don't reject what they say because you were burnt by one ... not all women are like that and actually would treat their man good.

just in addition its possible that the sex was not that good with the other man but he did connect on a level she did want and need and that was the emotional one which is what started it. not sure about the physical part and why she felt the need to confess unless she came out of the fairy tale fantasy fog after the physical thing happened and realized what she was about to give up or ruin completely. I'm alspo taking it that you weren't aware of the affair until she confessed... this could be a good sign that she did.. only time will tell..

She is lying. No doubt. Its called trickle truth. I found evidence she slept with him at a friends house and listened to her lie about that little fact for 6 months. When she finally admitted it, i asked why didnt she come clean? She told me to protect her friend. Whaaaaaaaaaaatttttt?????? The bullshit that comes out of their mouths is amazing!

And dont be too quick to jump on her needs not being met. Thats more of mc talk for the affair is the betrayed persons fault. She could have done a million other things to fix her needs not being met. She chose cheating. And you were in the same mariage and didnt cheat.