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qwerty2012 posted 1/5/2014 16:21 PM

I have seen a similar responses on SI from BS'es and my wife also tells me that my emails are all about 'ME'. I typically tell her how I am feeling, i apologize for what i have done (level 6/7) - i empathize with what they might be going through (especially when i don't know that days' triggers), but i also empathize based on my own shame.

The same happens when i am asked questions about how i feel or what i am thinking or why i believe i have changed, etc. Since the questions are directed to me and about me - i naturally talk about 'ME'.

I struggle to understand what is it that is about 'ME' - when it shouldn't?
I am trying to find my 'selfish chip' …. I am trying to understand better what 'selfless' means in this situation?

stilllovinghim posted 1/5/2014 16:56 PM

Do you have an example? From your post I didn't detect a "me me me" attitude. Is there a recent post or text that she's okay with you sharing to help point out what your BS is talking about?

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 1/5/2014 17:39 PM

Keep in mind that 90% of communication is non verbal. Most of us are more animated and engaged when we talk about ourselves. Do you lean in, let her finish her sentences, clarify her points actively, without being a dope? So she says "im triggering today and just not liking where we are" do you say, "me either" or do you help dig into why she feels that way?

WarpSpeed posted 1/5/2014 18:11 PM

I can remember having some feelings similar to what you describe in your wife. It took my wife quite some time to really get what she'done. She was trying, but it was over a year before I truly felt she got it.

GotMyLife mentions non-verbal. When I started seeing the remorse come out of my wife in the form of anguished looks or moist eyes, it helped to validate the words. We'd be watching a show and some reference to infidelity would come up (happens a lot) and I could "see" it affect her and the non-verbal stuff started translating to verbal that felt more sincere.

That isn't to say she wasn't trying all that time before. I'm just saying that at some point it seemed more genuinely about my healing.

You're here on this board, so you are clearly working at it. Keep working at it. Keep trying to show her you understand and regret the pain you've caused.

She has a lot of healing to do and you'll just need to keep plugging away trying to help. You work on you and you work on the two of you and you help her to heal. Its a journey that is going to take time.

Don't spend too much energy sorting through how to stop projecting a "me" vibe. Just go about projecting a her vibe. Talk to her about what you can do to help her heal. Tell her you can see her pain. Tell her you know you caused it. Work at making things her focused when you're trying to comfort her.

That doesn't mean don't work on you. If you can do counseling, have at it. Work on you.

All that is based on just reading your one post. I don't/can't have any insight into your world. But, you're describing a woman that is telling you that she needs something more and different from you. The best way to find out what she needs is to talk to her.

Best luck.

nogoodap1 posted 1/5/2014 19:50 PM

I do the same thing. And I agree it's hard not to talk about me and how I'm feeling because I know.

breakingpoint posted 1/5/2014 20:05 PM

It sounds like you are including empathetic things in your emails, she just isn't recognizing it as empathy. She is probably so hurt and overwhelmed, she isn't really able to read what you are saying objectively. Maybe all of the focus on yourself at the beginning of the email is triggering her, so that the latter part isn't really registering.

What if you just sent emails containing nothing about the you part? Just about how you are thinking about her. Let that be the whole message.

Sounds like she is not ready to hear about how you are feeling yet.