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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: I am in a bad place
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is our last day with my family. We have been here 19 days for the holidays. Its had its up's and downs and certainly I feel awful everytime I leave for my new home a plane ride away. Seeing my kids cry everytime they say goodbye to a family member hurts too.

Last night my H spent 6 hours at the casino. He came home a winner and handed me some money this morn. Yes. I took it. Today he went to a friend's house. They aren't good friends. I introduced them as I was good friends with his wife growing up. My "friend" F flirts with my H. She flirted outrageously this past summer (some of you old timers may recall that email of mine) and when they invited us over for some holiday cheer pre-Christmas, she did it again - too long a hug, tried to kiss him hello on the lips and looks that last too long. He does not flirt back. He is aware and is not comfortable. And believe it or not, this past visit was not as bad as the summer one! So get this. Today, he initiates a call to her H and goes there to watch the game. He doesn't mention this to me. I get home and find out by her! She tells me that he is there! And...she was supposed to come visit me. But she cancelled and stayed there w them. I believe my H smoked pot while there. F's husband is a pot smoker.

I have not had a chance to speak to my H at this point bc my parents and the kids are up. He knows I am bothered but hasn't asked why. He knows I get upset by F's behavior and yet he initiated a visit today. To his credit, he did think she would be here with me. But for him to not even mention it. Why? This does not help us in R. Nor does the pot smoking.

But honeslty, I am in a bad place right now and for the last 4 weeks. I have hit the plains of flatness and I think a lot about whether I even want this anymore. He is doing "most things" right on. But today, the gambling and the pot...I just think. "Buddy, what are you all about and do I really even care anymore?"

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, LA44. Yes, I remember this couple. I believe I told you to kick that F out of your life and to tell her off, too. These people aren't friends of your marriage.

Is gambling a problem for your H? Who did he go with and did you know he was going?

As far as the game today, when H realized that F wasn't coming to visit you, he should have left immediately in my opinion. This smells like a set up to me, that F had no intention of visiting you. She got to have some one on one with your H.

I am so sorry. It is so hard to leave family, I know, all my family live so far away. It is heartbreaking to say good-bye to my 80 something year old parents.

(((LA44)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Lola88
♀ 41540
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to tell your "friend" to fuck right off! She really is taking the piss. I'm new to this site but honestly, I would not take this behaviour from anyone.

I wish you all the very best but it starts with you x


Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember her too,

I also remember your husband was supposed to show his alliance with you while she was around.

I am a little confused LA

What is your husband doing? Did he ask if it was ok to go to the casino? To go to this friend's house?

I think you need to have a sit down.

Does he think everything is all good now? We hit a year, we are sliding into home base?

He needs to realize you guys are starting year 2, just a month in right now.

Year 2 can be a bitch. It screws with your head and can make a mess of the best R's IMO.

You need to find out wtf is in his head right now.

Is he feelings stresed from having to "tow the line" ( no sympathy) Is he wanting his guy time back (no sympathy) Is he tired of being "on" all the time (again, yup , no sympathy)

He needs to talk. I get a feeling he is diggin his heels in a bit and you guys need to figure out what is up.

(((hugs))) LA , keep us posted.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((la44))


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14869 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies, good memories you have. Same "friend". Her son and my eldest are the same age. I am only here 2x year so I thought, "Hey, this is a good match. I can do this!" It's not and that makes me sad. Because its also apparent that my bf is not willing to accept my H back in her life. In 19 days we saw one another, once. All this makes me sad.

Re: Friend, F. I guess I thought she was "off" in the summer. I made excuses for her. She had too much to drink, she was not getting along well with her H. She was trying to prove something to herself. Still....no reason to give my H fuck eyes! And now, she did it again. All the while hugging me, making great convo, adoring me. I mean...am I the one who is off?

While I DID know he went to the casino last night. He asked, "LA how would you feel if I went to the casino?" I said, "well, go ahead." A whopping 6 hours later he got home - at 3:30am. I felt bothered by this. I told him so. He checked in a few times last night. I knew he was there. But again, he knew I was not happy about the length of time he was there. He did not bring it up today.

His gambling used to cause me concern. It really died down after the A. It seems to be picking up now.

I did NOT know he was going to F's house today. I got home expecting F and another girlfriend to come over to say goodbye to me. That was our plan. One friend came, F did not. She sent me a text saying she had tons to do. Then she wrote, "I am upstairs and your H and mine are downstairs watching the game!" I was miffed. WTH? I have to find out from her? I told him as much and his response to me was...."Oh. I just wanted to know if F's H wanted to get the kids together over football."

Does he think everything is all good now? We hit a year, we are sliding into home base?

I think this is it, karma. I do. I think he thinks this is allllll better. Of course, when I am here - at my parents' home - I trigger daily bc this is where the A took place. In my hometown. Its such a huge slap in the face in addition to the slap of the betrayal. He took a place DEAR to me - MY HOME - and made it his fucking grounds.

I asked him on NYEve to write down the hotels they went too bc I got to a place where I wanted to know. I stuffed it in the summer. Told myself, "what's the point? It's over." But being back here it came up again, and seeing this strip of hotels near his Head Office....I need to know. I need another secret revealed. I wish I didn't, but I do. But what am I getting from that knowledge?

You need to find out wtf is in his head right now.

Yeah. We have to have a sit down. Funny but he was recently talking to me about moving back here - to be near my family. I don't even know if that would be wise for us. Too many friends with weed (what is with all these "normal" family-men/working guys who smoke pot?!), too many casinos and too many women. Doesn't bode well for our relationship does it when I am making major decisions based on my H's weaknesses? Doesn't say, "Hey, we can move anywhere and I trust we would be okay." I don't.

I don't even trust me right now. I guess this is the Year 2 Fuck Over that everyone speaks about. I don't trust me to know that I am doing the right thing right now.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:45 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even trust me right now. I guess this is the Year 2 Fuck Over that everyone speaks about. I don't trust me to know that I am doing the right thing right now.

Well put that away. You don't have to trust yourself 100% right now. It's emotional and rocky. What you have learned is to not jump with these emotions.

You stop, weigh things and discuss them. Give them credit and take your time in going through each feeling.

You won't have any answers tonight, you know that.

Maybe on the travels home you could write a bit, get your thoughts, your questions for him in order.

He needs to realize you guys are not "done" and this new way of living doesn't ever go away. Life doesn't go back to pre-A ever. You are supposed to be creating a new life, different rules, different coping skills, better communication, better understanding.

If he was ever under the impression that R is "for a while" until things quiet down and life goes back to "normal" he is mistaken.

He needs to want to be in this new normal with you. Your new life isn't a sacrifice he makes, it is a choice, the acceptance of a gift you have offered.

He needs to think long and hard about what life he is looking for. The new life you have been creating or the old life where his selfish behavior almost destroyed you both.

He may just be having a moment LA a time of back-sliding. Maybe he needs to see his behavior through your eyes. The pot smoking, casino's and guys nights IMO should be over.

My husband hasn't had one in years and actually has never asked (with the exception of his uncle and on occasion his brother)

Breathe and be good to you, I am sure when the two of you talk things through things will be more clear.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA- one step at a time and that is dumping the friend. Second thing, dealing with the hubby and that probably involves insisting on no drug use.
((LA)) no matter what you can do this!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5539 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Captain Selfish has some work to do. Lots of it, in fact. I'm sorry hon.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6653 | Registered: Jan 2011
CATransplant
♀ 39567
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have lots of advice so I will sent you ))HUGS)).


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh this isn't just the POLF... he is shoving you back down into that hole.

I remember this couple from your other posts too. I'm just sick to my stomach for you... he deceived you (lie by omission) so he could go hang out with them, and she bailed on you to spend time with YOUR husband.

I wish I had better advice of comfort or solace. Maybe after I've cooled off... right now what I have to say isn't fit for Recon.

(((LA44)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18375 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Captain Selfish. There's a new one Rebreather! You always make me smile.

He needs to think long and hard about what life he is looking for. The new life you have been creating or the old life where his selfish behavior almost destroyed you both.

Yes. It's like he loses his mind when he comes here. He had a guys night last week and got in touch with me two hours later to say, "well, I am two beers away from not being able to drive."

So I wrote back - so stop drinking. WTF?!

I guess in the end, I renegged bc he has not had "guys night out" and I knew he was in a "safe place". Yeah. Real safe LA with pot, beer and two guys whose wives are away.

Well put that away. You don't have to trust yourself 100% right now. It's emotional and rocky. What you have learned is to not jump with these emotions.

this and this

He needs to realize you guys are not "done" and this new way of living doesn't ever go away. Life doesn't go back to pre-A ever. You are supposed to be creating a new life, different rules, different coping skills, better communication, better understanding.

Well put, karma. Thank you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((La44)))

Sorry for the off day you had. If it helps, i had an off day myself. Spent most of it doing my own thing.....lots of snow shoveling to work through the pain....no one around to see me cry either!

I remember this girl. Didn't know her hubby was a pot smoker. I agree with you.....not the types to help you guys R.

Kind of have to watch your answers to your husband. Your blanket "yes" to mr LA44 was just that....a free pass to casino. No further expectations were set. I get he should know better.....but "should" is a flag word for me. Me LA44 did what you both agreed to.....he went to the casino. Not his fault and I would guess if no other infractions occurred it might have gone unnoticed.

As I continue to study various FOO coping mechanisms..... There appears to be a pretty common trait of instant gratification....to sooth the pain....not to process it but to sooth it.

Food, masturbation, drinking and gambling are likely tools used to self medicate.

My wife's choice to commit adultery oozes immediate gratification.....she immediately kept meeting her AP a secret, within 5 weeks of meeting him and probably less than 40 hours (no timeline ever made) with him she was googling "affairs and infidelity" and reached out to her sister, 5 weeks later his cock was in her mouth bare-back. All of this was her seeking instant gratification. She had no interest in anything BUT instant gratification.

There was zero consideration to get to know this guy, never talked about STD's, one mention from him that he was fixed....and my wife said "come on!". She just wanted an escape......and wanted it NOW !


17 months out....tough day....looks like we stumbled at the same time.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2nd everything karma said

We hit that backsliding, we made it through the first year, crap. Actually the only time I have packed a bag and left was about 15 months out because of a few instances of relaxed boundaries.

The boundaries got shored up pretty quick but it has taken most of year 2 to regain the enthusiasm to push forward.

Don't let up. Hold his feet to the fire.

(((LA44)))


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate your support. You are right blakesteele, I did say go to the casino. I essentially supported it. My mom and relatives also go...I never got into it - just like I never got into smoking pot. The gambling has always been a "whatver". But now. Because of a 3:30am night, beers today (and possibly pot) he is sleeping w our boys instead of being able to talk to me about what is bothering me. And he clearly knew I was bothered from the time he walked in the door today.

Blake, sorry you had a bad day.
Jrazz...I am not fam with tha acroynm...POLF?
Chicho...that's it! Enthusiasm is the perfect word. Hard enough to muster it up and then throw on boundaries that have slacked. I just feel...blah. in a big,bad way!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LA44)))

Yuck. I'm so sorry. I suspect this is just a bump in the road (I hope). I hope that you can have a real heart to heart.

Best of luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
DixieD
♀ 33457
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to realize you guys are not "done" and this new way of living doesn't ever go away. Life doesn't go back to pre-A ever. You are supposed to be creating a new life, different rules, different coping skills, better communication, better understanding. If he was ever under the impression that R is "for a while" until things quiet down and life goes back to "normal" he is mistaken.

So this ^^^. He needs to change everything down to his core. Rewire from the ground up.

POLF (Plain of Lethal Flatness). Took me a bit to get that one too. Jrazz is right, you are getting shoved into the POLF not going there willingly.

((((LA44))))


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plain Of Lethal Flatness, I believe.

You are in the second year, it is the year it gets real. It really is worse than year one, imo.

This is forever, the shock and denial are fully and totally gone. It isn't fucking surreal anymore. My first year after d-day was nothing but surreal.

Our WS's really, really fucked someone else! So hard to wrap our heads around, it really does take at least a year to process that.

There is no unfucking the donkey, there is no going back to the pre-A status quo, there is permanent and unbendable boundaries. There is clear and concise discussions about exactly what expectations are.

Year two for us included incidents like:
1. FWH lying about throwing fish guts out. Un-fucking-acceptable!
2. FWH not understanding why I wouldn't want him to go to a "private" memorial service for the father of one his oldest male H.S. BF's but also the father of the OW of his when we were dating.

It is ridiculous that we have to go over expectations and boundaries over and over again. I feel there is a learning curve and that old behaviour's take a long time to change. There are bound to be "slip ups". The WS should be willing to own it and make the changes necessary to see that it won't happen again.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post..

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:56 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry to see this post LA. I always look out for your posts and seeing one like this makes me so angry for you. I agree with absolutely everything everyone else has said so far. The biggest problem is not the casino, the gambling or even your(?) friend and I put the ? there because this woman imo is not your friend anymore LA. Your husband's friendship is more important to her. That is evidenced by her blowing you out on your last day there to spend that time with him instead - even if her own husband was there as well.

She wouldn't be seeing you again for a while - it's not like you live there permanently so she can see you today or tomorrow instead, and she knew she wouldn't be seeing your husband again for a while either. She chose to spend the time with him. That's bigger than a red flag to me - it's a bloody advert! The text was to keep up the facade that she was thinking of you - she wasn't - that was done just to keep you sweet so she could stay with 'your permission' too. Anything she needed to do in the house could have been done after an hour or two spent with you and your other friend at your parents house - that was probably her original plan anyway. If she really did have things to do in the house - she just chose to do them immediately once your husband came over. Ditch this woman from your life completely LA. She is no longer your friend and frankly she doesn't deserve to be. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

But she is still not the bigger problem. The bigger problem is your husband himself. That he chose to do these things. He was not oblivious to how you would feel about any of them. He knew, but still chose to do them anyway. That's the bigger problem.

It seems like he's pushing limits to me. He got your agreement for him to go to the casino but then abused that by staying there so very long. Rather than take it easy it seems once he got your 'permission' (I don't like that word but can't think of another to use right now) he abused it by pushing that right to the very limits. That's selfish thinking. It's knowingly pushing boundaries because he knew he had a get out of jail card in his pocket: Your (hoping you can trust in his boundaries) permission.

Same with the football at the friends. He's the bigger problem there too. No matter what that woman was doing he knew how you felt about her and chose to stay and not tell you about it to give you a chance to come over too, tell him to come home or whatever. He may have been planning to tell you after - but it would be after the fact. He'd do it first. That's selfish again. No. He didn't plan it for her to be there, so he's got his 'out' again. It wasn't his fault she was there. But he did know you wouldn't like it once you found out and he didn't offer it up in time to change it.

Yeah. We have to have a sit down. Funny but he was recently talking to me about moving back here - to be near my family. I don't even know if that would be wise for us. Too many friends with weed (what is with all these "normal" family-men/working guys who smoke pot?!), too many casinos and too many women. Doesn't bode well for our relationship does it when I am making major decisions based on my H's weaknesses? Doesn't say, "Hey, we can move anywhere and I trust we would be okay." I don't.
That makes my heart break for you LA. imo you have got to sit down with him and talk about all of this. I think karma put it best with is;
He needs to realize you guys are not "done" and this new way of living doesn't ever go away. Life doesn't go back to pre-A ever. You are supposed to be creating a new life, different rules, different coping skills, better communication, better understanding.
Exactly.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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