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first post, feeling lost

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okkk posted 1/5/2014 19:42 PM

I met my husband when I was young (17) and we have been married for 10 years. We have children. We've had many ups & downs in recent years, but I never even thought about doing something like this before.

So I did it, I had an affair. It lasted about 3 months, and was long-distance. We were together physically on 3 occasions, but talked almost daily through email/phone.

I also began getting involved with another man, who was local. It was my emails to him that husband discovered, the day before xmas eve. Everything else came out soon after, by my confession.

Husband wants to work things out. He knows I was depressed and not acting like myself (very true). His stipulations were that I have std testing and counseling, and that will begin this week.

Right now we are both swinging between emotions - he has been very angry (to the point I thought he might actually go try to kill this other man), to very sad and crying on the floor, to very compassionate and loving toward me. I seem to alternate from feeling numb, to guilty and hating myself for what I did (though I don't think it's fully hit me yet), to mixed emotions about the other man and how I let him be careless with my feelings during the affair, and the way things came to an abrupt end...

My husband also contacted him immediately (mostly angry threats) and contacted his wife to tell her. I had brief contact with him (a phone call) in which I told him I was sorry things exploded like this, and he told me things were bad with his wife and he was going to try to fix it, and we hung up. I guess I thought talking to him would make me feel better, some closure or something, but it made me feel much worse.

My husband also contacted the wife of the other man (who I had just began seeing), and so now the lives of six people were turned upside down over the holidays because of what I did. Again, I just feel numb.

My husband loves me, and keeps reminding me, and we are promising each other we will do whatever it takes to make things better again. I am just exhausted and hope I have the strength to bear whatever is to come. I was extremely depressed when this all started, and I guess I wanted an escape from my life for a while... it wasn't so much about my husband, or the other men, as much as it was a break from reality.

I'm not sure if posting here will help, but I thought it might. I never thought I'd be one of these people who did "this". But it was so easy. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

breakingpoint posted 1/5/2014 20:09 PM

Good for you for posting, and Welcome!

Its horrible to feel like lives has been wrecked and you are at the center. All of us on the Wayward side have felt that way.

Sounds like you have some work to get started on! First stop: why did you do it? Its a big part of moving forward. It can be hard to answer and takes time. But is a good place to start.

Good luck and keep posting!

SurprisinglyOkay posted 1/5/2014 20:10 PM

Welcome to SI! The best club you never wanted to join!

Check out the healing library in the top left corner of the page.

This is a great place to help work through the hell you're in.

It's going to get a lot harder before it will get easier, sorry to say.

Going to IC is a great idea.

Also from here on out don't lie to you bs, answer all his questions with honesty, without getting defensive.

I would suggest that he may want to join here as well, my BS is on here and this site has saved both our butts, more than once.

We call R a roller coaster for a reason. Buckle up. It'll have way ups and WAY downs.
It's not easy, but there are a ton of people on here that will help you along the way!

Keep posting!

There is a great book called "How to help your spouse heal from affair: a compact manual for the unfaithful" it's short but packed with good info. I wish I had known about it so soon after dday!

[This message edited by broevil at 8:11 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Kap12 posted 1/5/2014 21:39 PM

Stay focused and what you are feeling is normal. Counseling will help a great deal but it will be a roller coaster of emotions for both of you for awhile.

SlowUptake posted 1/6/2014 01:40 AM

Hi okkk and welcome.

You have come to the right place to get started on the road to healing.
You are going to get some great advice here, some of it you won't want to hear.
Just be aware that all the posters here have your best interests at heart and care about you.
We want you, your BS(betrayed spouse) and your marriage to heal.
Keep posting, even when the 'tough love' is coming your way.

Good luck.

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