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Today I learned D19 was raped

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neverdidithink posted 1/5/2014 20:26 PM

D19 has had been suffering from depression and failed multiple classes this semester. She told WH and I today that she was raped at college last year. She transferred schools this academic year, but didn't tell us the whole reason for her decision. She struggled through this semester, but we had no idea how bad things were or what the root cause was. Today it all came flooding out.

This happened almost a year ago and she only told her doctor, who referred her to a therapist, and a psychiatrist.

She's suffering severe depression and PSTD. She is going to take next semester off and try to get healthy.

I'm heartsick. I need advice as to how to best support her. I understand the PTSD and associated triggers all too well and I learned about a couple of significant triggers today. I'm trying to read as much as I can, but I need my SI friends to hold my hand for a bit while I catch my breath, process this news, and find a way to support her without suffocating her.

MovingUpward posted 1/5/2014 20:29 PM

Sending SI mojo for healing.

jrc1963 posted 1/5/2014 20:33 PM

I'm so sorry about your DD.

I really have no advice, but I wanted to send you strength.

I'm sure someone with victim advocacy experience will be along to help soon.

nowiknow23 posted 1/5/2014 20:34 PM

Oh, honey. (((((DD19)))))

PhoenixRising88 posted 1/5/2014 20:37 PM

this happened to me freshman year 23 years ago. I never told anyone until a few days ago. And let me tell you - what a hell of a burden to carry around by yourself.

I think it's awesome that she shared the news of this devastating event with you. Sharing it seems to help kick off the healing process. I know when I finally told someone is when I was finally able to start letting go of the shame and the anger and the hurt and the guilt. I have a ways to go yet; those feelings fester when they're not dealt with.

Hugs to you and your daughter. just be there for her. hug her and hold her hand and do your level best to get her to understand - NOTHING, not a SINGLE PART of what happened, was her fault. She may blame herself for it and she is blameless. It takes that realization to also move forward with healing.

Prayers up for you and yours honey.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 8:44 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 1/5/2014 20:38 PM

I'm so sorry. I can imagine how sad and overcome with emotion you must be.

It's good that your DD is in treatment. I work for an agency that has rape advocacy and victim services. There are support groups for rape victims and families of rape victims.

Not sure where you're at but try calling 2-1-1 for this information in your area. Or your local Mental Health Association, or even hospital---some of them have services for rape victims.

I am holding you and DD in my thoughts and prayers.

neverdidithink posted 1/5/2014 20:46 PM

Thank you all for your kindness. I feel numb. She is out with friends as this bombshell isn't "news" to her. I'm struggling to breathe.

unfound posted 1/5/2014 20:50 PM

((ndt d19))

Assure her that you're there for her, whenever she needs you. Let her know that you will help her wtih continued professional help and support her in anyway you can in her healing.

Pretty much just be there for her. Watch for signs of her bottoming out or unhealthy behaviors. Take cues from her about when she may need to talk or be left alone.

I know this hurts your mom heart .

persevere posted 1/5/2014 21:09 PM

Oh ndit I am so sorry. This breaks my heart. As a parent of a DD21 this is beyond chilling for me. It's a huge fear. I remember being that age and having that be one of my biggest fears.

I agree that the fact that she shared this with you is huge and a great step in her healing. Much love to all of you and please let us know how she's doing. We will all be thinking about her and you. ((neverdidithink))

GabyBaby posted 1/5/2014 21:22 PM

I am so sorry to read this.
Like a previous poster, this hits home because I have a DD20 who is away at college.

Sending out lots of healing wishes to your darling girl and your family.

Lyonesse posted 1/5/2014 21:28 PM

I don't have advice, but sending hugs and mojo for you, daughter, and family.

I'm sure others here have been through this and can advise. One thing you could do is see a counselor who specializes in this yourself, to gain an understanding of what would be most helpful to your D. (edit: and of course, ask your D, too!)

I had a friend who had a terrible incident and was being held in a psych ward - before I went to visit her, I called a counselor to learn all I could about the best way to support her through something I had no experience with. It still wasn't adequate, but it gave me a starting point.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

DixieD posted 1/5/2014 21:28 PM

(((((neverdidithink, DD and family))))

I'm so sorry.

Thankfully she is getting help with this through therapy, could confide in you and take the time she needs now away from the pressures of school.

jo2love posted 1/5/2014 21:29 PM

(((DD & never)))

I am so sorry. I stuffed down all the emotions after each time I was raped. I'm glad she told you and is getting help. Please hug her for me and remind her that it wasn't her fault.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 1/5/2014 21:33 PM


Must Survive posted 1/5/2014 21:40 PM


I am sooooo sorry. I have 3 daughters, it has always been a great fear. I agree with others. Find out from professionals how you can support her healing. Watch for her going sideways.

I think it is awesome that she told you. I think it is probably her way of asking for your help.

((((NDIT and DD))))

Must Survive posted 1/5/2014 21:42 PM

I also wanted to add, if this happened at the school or the grounds has it been reported. So many colleges try not to report these and other crimes because they don't want the stats to show just how unsafe their campus might be.

Just an FYI to help for others.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/5/2014 22:32 PM

I am so sorry for your DD19 and for you. How painful! (((neverdidithink))) (((neverdidithinkDD)))

Yes, the Rape Hotline will be able to give you advice on how to help or to find resources for you to help the victim.

Crushed1 posted 1/5/2014 23:05 PM

(((neverdidithink, DD, family))) I'm so sorry that happened to your DD. I hope the therapist will be able to help her get through this horrible trauma!

DeadMumWalking posted 1/6/2014 06:46 AM

((((ndit)))) ((((DD))))

I'm so sorry that this has happened, to her, and also to you. As parents, we too suffer when our children do (no matter their age).

Like others have said, if you can talk to someone at a rape crisis center they should be able to at least help give you some ideas about what might help and support DD.

Is she seeing a psychiatrist? I ask just because she might need medication along with any other type of therapy she is getting.

She made a good decision to take some time off from school, whether it turns out to be for a semester or longer - it is not easy to predict what her healing time line is going to be. Being treated by a qualified professional might help guide her through this trauma.

Sending lots and lots of hugs, strength and positive, healing thoughts to you all.

((((DD, ndit & family))))

neverdidithink posted 1/6/2014 10:05 AM

Thank you all.

She did not report the rape to the school and at this point will not name her attacker. I hope that changes in the future, but I'm more concerned with her mental health than outing the scumbag right now.

She has been in IC and seeing a psychatrist for meds. So far she hasn't found the right combo of meds, nor the right IC. Thank you for the suggestion to contact a rape crisis center for a referral. I was planning to call my IC this morning for some recommendations, but going straight to the area of expertise makes way more sense.

I hoping to find an SI-like forum for her as well. I think it would be trmendously helpful for her to be able to interact with others who are dealingwith the same issues. She did go to a couple of support group meetings IRL, but didn't find them helpful...

God, this is hard.

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