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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Today I learned D19 was raped
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D19 has had been suffering from depression and failed multiple classes this semester. She told WH and I today that she was raped at college last year. She transferred schools this academic year, but didn't tell us the whole reason for her decision. She struggled through this semester, but we had no idea how bad things were or what the root cause was. Today it all came flooding out.

This happened almost a year ago and she only told her doctor, who referred her to a therapist, and a psychiatrist.

She's suffering severe depression and PSTD. She is going to take next semester off and try to get healthy.

I'm heartsick. I need advice as to how to best support her. I understand the PTSD and associated triggers all too well and I learned about a couple of significant triggers today. I'm trying to read as much as I can, but I need my SI friends to hold my hand for a bit while I catch my breath, process this news, and find a way to support her without suffocating her.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending SI mojo for healing.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53011 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
jrc1963
♀ 26531
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry about your DD.

I really have no advice, but I wanted to send you strength.

I'm sure someone with victim advocacy experience will be along to help soon.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24672 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey. (((((DD19)))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26192 | Registered: Aug 2011
PhoenixRising88
♀ 35214
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this happened to me freshman year 23 years ago. I never told anyone until a few days ago. And let me tell you - what a hell of a burden to carry around by yourself.

I think it's awesome that she shared the news of this devastating event with you. Sharing it seems to help kick off the healing process. I know when I finally told someone is when I was finally able to start letting go of the shame and the anger and the hurt and the guilt. I have a ways to go yet; those feelings fester when they're not dealt with.

Hugs to you and your daughter. just be there for her. hug her and hold her hand and do your level best to get her to understand - NOTHING, not a SINGLE PART of what happened, was her fault. She may blame herself for it and she is blameless. It takes that realization to also move forward with healing.

Prayers up for you and yours honey.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 8:44 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 434 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. I can imagine how sad and overcome with emotion you must be.

It's good that your DD is in treatment. I work for an agency that has rape advocacy and victim services. There are support groups for rape victims and families of rape victims.

Not sure where you're at but try calling 2-1-1 for this information in your area. Or your local Mental Health Association, or even hospital---some of them have services for rape victims.

I am holding you and DD in my thoughts and prayers.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38696 | Registered: Sep 2007
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kindness. I feel numb. She is out with friends as this bombshell isn't "news" to her. I'm struggling to breathe.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ndt d19))

Assure her that you're there for her, whenever she needs you. Let her know that you will help her wtih continued professional help and support her in anyway you can in her healing.

Pretty much just be there for her. Watch for signs of her bottoming out or unhealthy behaviors. Take cues from her about when she may need to talk or be left alone.

I know this hurts your mom heart .


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14866 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ndit I am so sorry. This breaks my heart. As a parent of a DD21 this is beyond chilling for me. It's a huge fear. I remember being that age and having that be one of my biggest fears.

I agree that the fact that she shared this with you is huge and a great step in her healing. Much love to all of you and please let us know how she's doing. We will all be thinking about her and you. ((neverdidithink))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4670 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to read this.
Like a previous poster, this hits home because I have a DD20 who is away at college.

Sending out lots of healing wishes to your darling girl and your family.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6687 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Lyonesse
♀ 32943
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have advice, but sending hugs and mojo for you, daughter, and family.

I'm sure others here have been through this and can advise. One thing you could do is see a counselor who specializes in this yourself, to gain an understanding of what would be most helpful to your D. (edit: and of course, ask your D, too!)

I had a friend who had a terrible incident and was being held in a psych ward - before I went to visit her, I called a counselor to learn all I could about the best way to support her through something I had no experience with. It still wasn't adequate, but it gave me a starting point.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
DixieD
♀ 33457
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((neverdidithink, DD and family))))

I'm so sorry.

Thankfully she is getting help with this through therapy, could confide in you and take the time she needs now away from the pressures of school.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DD & never)))

I am so sorry. I stuffed down all the emotions after each time I was raped. I'm glad she told you and is getting help. Please hug her for me and remind her that it wasn't her fault.


Posts: 36474 | Registered: Mar 2011
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ 26651
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DD)))


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/34 The kidlets: DS14, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11592 | Registered: Dec 2009
Must Survive
♀ 34533
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NeverDidIThink,

I am sooooo sorry. I have 3 daughters, it has always been a great fear. I agree with others. Find out from professionals how you can support her healing. Watch for her going sideways.

I think it is awesome that she told you. I think it is probably her way of asking for your help.

((((NDIT and DD))))


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Must Survive
♀ 34533
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to add, if this happened at the school or the grounds has it been reported. So many colleges try not to report these and other crimes because they don't want the stats to show just how unsafe their campus might be.

Just an FYI to help for others.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your DD19 and for you. How painful! (((neverdidithink))) (((neverdidithinkDD)))

Yes, the Rape Hotline will be able to give you advice on how to help or to find resources for you to help the victim.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Crushed1
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((neverdidithink, DD, family))) I'm so sorry that happened to your DD. I hope the therapist will be able to help her get through this horrible trauma!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9822 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
DeadMumWalking
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ndit)))) ((((DD))))

I'm so sorry that this has happened, to her, and also to you. As parents, we too suffer when our children do (no matter their age).

Like others have said, if you can talk to someone at a rape crisis center they should be able to at least help give you some ideas about what might help and support DD.

Is she seeing a psychiatrist? I ask just because she might need medication along with any other type of therapy she is getting.

She made a good decision to take some time off from school, whether it turns out to be for a semester or longer - it is not easy to predict what her healing time line is going to be. Being treated by a qualified professional might help guide her through this trauma.

Sending lots and lots of hugs, strength and positive, healing thoughts to you all.

((((DD, ndit & family))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2673 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

She did not report the rape to the school and at this point will not name her attacker. I hope that changes in the future, but I'm more concerned with her mental health than outing the scumbag right now.

She has been in IC and seeing a psychatrist for meds. So far she hasn't found the right combo of meds, nor the right IC. Thank you for the suggestion to contact a rape crisis center for a referral. I was planning to call my IC this morning for some recommendations, but going straight to the area of expertise makes way more sense.

I hoping to find an SI-like forum for her as well. I think it would be trmendously helpful for her to be able to interact with others who are dealingwith the same issues. She did go to a couple of support group meetings IRL, but didn't find them helpful...

God, this is hard.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 344 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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