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Normal for WS to be secretive about IC?

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hpv50 posted 1/5/2014 22:01 PM

I am wondering how much info people typically pass along about their IC. I usually mention to my WS what general things I'm working on in my IC, and if it was a particularly difficult session for me, I might go into more details.

But my WS is so secretive about his IC that I don't even know when he has an appointment, let alone what kinds of things they cover. At one point, he said that his IC said he should never discuss his sessions with me. Is that normal? My IC never said anything like that.

I mainy worry about it because my WS hasn't shown much progress in the last few months. In contrast, he's spent too much time minimizing his actions, and backslid a few times (eg "carpooling" with his former EA "by accident").

unfound posted 1/5/2014 22:12 PM

There should be a level of privacy with IC. Although not knowing when the appointments are??? That's not okay.

Due to the nature of mr unfounds IC, we had an agreement that occasionally I would come to appointments with him to touch base, see if IC and home were syncing up and to give general updates.

At home, we discussed generalities most times, but would talk about major accomplishments and such.

pointofnoreturn posted 1/5/2014 22:17 PM

I only had my previous IC mention that I shouldn't talk about the things we talk about to BBF because they had to deal with his abuse towards me. In a way, it was a fear for my safety to keep what went down in those IC sessions vague as possible.

But...I don't think that's the case with you at all. Have you tried to suggest to him that maybe hearing about their progress would help you heal?

I don't understand the whole point of not knowing about when the appointments are though. I imagine given that the trust has been tarnished, hearing "I'm going out for a bit." must be heartwrenching. I don't see how any IC would want to hide this from a BS, knowing that if a BS is to build any trust back, they need verification that the WS is where they say they are.

Kelany posted 1/5/2014 22:25 PM

Are you sure he's actually going to ic? Many do lie about it.

womaninflux posted 1/5/2014 22:31 PM

As our MC reminds us, there are no secrets in a healthy marriage.

My SAWH has this weird secretive thing going on with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist doesn't want to talk to the MC. As time has passed, my SAWH has become a bit more talkative about what they talk about in their sessions. However, MC has never encountered another mental health practitioner who refused to talk to MC when they had permission from patient. The psychiatrist states that it's because he had a bad experience before. And he doesn't think MC has any bearing on my SAWH's treatment with him. WTH? Whatever…the shrink is 80+ years old and I think my SAWH just likes him because he doesn't give advice he just listens and maybe analyzes a little bit. It's kind of indulgent and narcissistic. While my SAWH has made a lot of progress, this seems to be a bit of a vestige from his past attitudes.

Lostinthismess posted 1/5/2014 23:56 PM

My first thought is that he isn't actually going. Do you know for sure he is? I would think IC is a safe place to work through things, but some discussion as it pertains to the marriage and healing should be discussed.

hpv50 posted 1/6/2014 03:04 AM

Actually, he hasn't been going lately, which is one of the reasons why I posted this question: I'm not sure whether it's worthwhile pushing him to go back. In the fall, he would go, but not say anything. I never knew whether he went; if I asked directly, he'd respond, but if I never mentioned it, he never would, either. It was like a small black hole in our life. When I asked him why he wasn't going, he said it was because it took too much time.

Also, my IC and our MC think he has some narcissm issues (albeit the "wounded" kind, which is quite different from the "grandiose" sort). I'm not sure how this plays into this situation, though (what his sessions cover and the level of privacy). If he used the sessions to help with some of the narcissm issues, I'd be delighted. But I don't have much confidence that it's the case. I doubt his IC knows about his narcissm issues. Our MC hasn't mentioned anything to WS in our sessions about narcissm. I only know the MC knows because my IC told me about her conversations with the MC. I hope that makes sense.

I definitely understand the need for some privacy with one's IC. I have no trouble with that at all. I just feel like our whole relationship has been filled with secrecy. and I wonder whether IC is worth the money, especially if his IC is clueless about his narcissm (as I suspect).

The whole situation frankly seems too weird for me. We've had an in-house separation since last october, and I don't feel we've made much progress since then (marriage-wise). It has definitely been terrific for my self esteem, though.

sudra posted 1/6/2014 06:46 AM

I figure since I have allowed my husband to remain married to me he needs to let me know how his IC is progressing. I am the one taking the risk by remaining with him. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask to know what issues he is working on.

He can always lie to me but I don't think he is. And he certainly may not share every single detail but I expect some level of disclosure to help me heal.

Why would he NOT at a minimum share with you when he has an appointment??

kmom2662 posted 1/6/2014 08:12 AM

Something's not right. I certainly expect to have some level of privacy in my IC, but I discuss at least the broad outlines of what I talk about to my H, both so he knows I am going, and so that he sees that I am trying to work on myself and want to share any insights with him.

And definitely, you should now if and when he's going. A few weeks ago, I had an appointment rescheduled and eventually cancelled by the IC due to weather, and i made sure to tell him so that he didn't think I was skipping it.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 8:13 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

sisoon posted 1/6/2014 13:47 PM

I think WSes need IC to change. I think, with only very rare exceptions, they can change only if they get the support, new ideas, and confrontation that IC provides, so I think you need to make a big issue of it.

Also, I suggest getting your H to sign a release that allows his IC to discuss his goals and progress with you in addition to having periodic joint sessions. It seems to be very common for WSes to lie to their Cs - my W sure did before D-Day (but not since, thankfully) - and the release and joint sessions help keep things clean, as unfound said.

My W's IC is our MC. She strongly recommends not sharing the details of W's IC. We've found our C to be right. Now, I just ask my W after IC sessions if there's anything she wants to share. I see positive changes in my W, so this works for us.

wanttogoforward posted 1/6/2014 14:01 PM

Some are more private than others... my red flag is that you don't even know when he has an appointment. Even if he keeps his talks private there is no need to be secret about the fact that he is going- IF he is going, and not just lying to you.
have there been any changes at all in regards to his actions and behaviors- afterall, that is the point of IC- to improve your choices and become a better person.

My H was seeing a Nurse Practitioner for issues with his meds and revealed to her some issues we were having. She told him I had no business knowing and being able to check up on him through his email passwords, cell phone tracking, etc.---- then he was dumb enough to come home and tell me these things--- though he did say he tried to defend me and say he wanted me to have this ability after his poor choices. He no longer shares what he tells her with me. He keeps quiet about those appointments- which if fine with me because until she 'walks in our shoes carrying the shit weight of infidelity' she won't understand. She has a total lack of perspective as far as I can tell- she isn't official IC so she should just mind her own damn business.

In short, there are things that don't add up to me in his secrecy.

hpv50 posted 1/6/2014 14:31 PM

Thanks very much for the comments and ideas. It's quite helpful. I feel some reservations because. I wonder if I'm being too controlling, but after reading all your comments, I don't thin that's the case.

I asked a couple times last fall if I could attend a joint session some time with his IC, but he said that "she doesn't do that." I find it hard to believe. He's attended a couple of joint sessions with my IC early on (once before he admitted to his EA activity, and one emergency session the day after I found out). Both myself and my IC found this very helpful. My IC says its a lot easier to address issues between the two of us (and my issues that affect my WH) if my IC has met him. So I think I'll ask again, and/or put it on a list of dealbreakers I'm compiling.

It's definitely possible my WH lied during his IC sessions, or at a minimum, exaggerated greatly. He's done as much during MC sessions, but unfortunately for him, I'm right there to represent myself.

Morhurt posted 1/6/2014 15:11 PM

Trust your gut.
I posted a similar question about IC and privacy months ago because H didn't want discuss what they were working on. It was causing a ton of anxiety in me... turns out he had it in his head that I was partly to blame for the A and he thought the IC backed him up (total miscommunication, IC did not feel that way). It took a while for that to come out and even longer to recover from it.

He now openly and willingly shares about IC (as do I). I doubted my instincts and was counseled on here to let him have his space but honestly... it wasn't the "right" thing to do.

Morhurt posted 1/6/2014 15:11 PM

what?? triple post! sorry...

[This message edited by Morhurt at 3:12 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

Morhurt posted 1/6/2014 15:11 PM

double post

[This message edited by Morhurt at 3:12 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

SpotlessMind posted 1/6/2014 15:22 PM

My WS's IC was adamant that WS keep everything they discussed from me....which neither WS nor I agreed with. That and a few other things are why he's looking for a new IC.

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