But my WS is so secretive about his IC that I don't even know when he has an appointment, let alone what kinds of things they cover. At one point, he said that his IC said he should never discuss his sessions with me. Is that normal? My IC never said anything like that.
I mainy worry about it because my WS hasn't shown much progress in the last few months. In contrast, he's spent too much time minimizing his actions, and backslid a few times (eg "carpooling" with his former EA "by accident").
Due to the nature of mr unfounds IC, we had an agreement that occasionally I would come to appointments with him to touch base, see if IC and home were syncing up and to give general updates.
At home, we discussed generalities most times, but would talk about major accomplishments and such.
But...I don't think that's the case with you at all. Have you tried to suggest to him that maybe hearing about their progress would help you heal?
I don't understand the whole point of not knowing about when the appointments are though. I imagine given that the trust has been tarnished, hearing "I'm going out for a bit." must be heartwrenching. I don't see how any IC would want to hide this from a BS, knowing that if a BS is to build any trust back, they need verification that the WS is where they say they are.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
My SAWH has this weird secretive thing going on with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist doesn't want to talk to the MC. As time has passed, my SAWH has become a bit more talkative about what they talk about in their sessions. However, MC has never encountered another mental health practitioner who refused to talk to MC when they had permission from patient. The psychiatrist states that it's because he had a bad experience before. And he doesn't think MC has any bearing on my SAWH's treatment with him. WTH? Whatever…the shrink is 80+ years old and I think my SAWH just likes him because he doesn't give advice he just listens and maybe analyzes a little bit. It's kind of indulgent and narcissistic. While my SAWH has made a lot of progress, this seems to be a bit of a vestige from his past attitudes.
Also, my IC and our MC think he has some narcissm issues (albeit the "wounded" kind, which is quite different from the "grandiose" sort). I'm not sure how this plays into this situation, though (what his sessions cover and the level of privacy). If he used the sessions to help with some of the narcissm issues, I'd be delighted. But I don't have much confidence that it's the case. I doubt his IC knows about his narcissm issues. Our MC hasn't mentioned anything to WS in our sessions about narcissm. I only know the MC knows because my IC told me about her conversations with the MC. I hope that makes sense.
I definitely understand the need for some privacy with one's IC. I have no trouble with that at all. I just feel like our whole relationship has been filled with secrecy. and I wonder whether IC is worth the money, especially if his IC is clueless about his narcissm (as I suspect).
The whole situation frankly seems too weird for me. We've had an in-house separation since last october, and I don't feel we've made much progress since then (marriage-wise). It has definitely been terrific for my self esteem, though.
He can always lie to me but I don't think he is. And he certainly may not share every single detail but I expect some level of disclosure to help me heal.
Why would he NOT at a minimum share with you when he has an appointment??
[This message edited by kmom2662 at 8:13 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
Also, I suggest getting your H to sign a release that allows his IC to discuss his goals and progress with you in addition to having periodic joint sessions. It seems to be very common for WSes to lie to their Cs - my W sure did before D-Day (but not since, thankfully) - and the release and joint sessions help keep things clean, as unfound said.
My W's IC is our MC. She strongly recommends not sharing the details of W's IC. We've found our C to be right. Now, I just ask my W after IC sessions if there's anything she wants to share. I see positive changes in my W, so this works for us.
My H was seeing a Nurse Practitioner for issues with his meds and revealed to her some issues we were having. She told him I had no business knowing and being able to check up on him through his email passwords, cell phone tracking, etc.---- then he was dumb enough to come home and tell me these things--- though he did say he tried to defend me and say he wanted me to have this ability after his poor choices. He no longer shares what he tells her with me. He keeps quiet about those appointments- which if fine with me because until she 'walks in our shoes carrying the shit weight of infidelity' she won't understand. She has a total lack of perspective as far as I can tell- she isn't official IC so she should just mind her own damn business.
In short, there are things that don't add up to me in his secrecy.
I asked a couple times last fall if I could attend a joint session some time with his IC, but he said that "she doesn't do that." I find it hard to believe. He's attended a couple of joint sessions with my IC early on (once before he admitted to his EA activity, and one emergency session the day after I found out). Both myself and my IC found this very helpful. My IC says its a lot easier to address issues between the two of us (and my issues that affect my WH) if my IC has met him. So I think I'll ask again, and/or put it on a list of dealbreakers I'm compiling.
It's definitely possible my WH lied during his IC sessions, or at a minimum, exaggerated greatly. He's done as much during MC sessions, but unfortunately for him, I'm right there to represent myself.
He now openly and willingly shares about IC (as do I). I doubted my instincts and was counseled on here to let him have his space but honestly... it wasn't the "right" thing to do.
[This message edited by Morhurt at 3:12 PM, January 6th (Monday)]