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PhantomLimb posted 1/5/2014 22:19 PM

JFO through a mutual friend.

We've been NC since our S in May... absolutely NC after legal stuff settled in September.

So I can't break it now. Even the friend who told me said "don't you dare call him." She said she'd call him in a week to offer her condolences and, if it came up, she'd tell him I heard and hoped he was okay.

I want to throw up.

HurtsButImOK posted 1/5/2014 23:28 PM

Depending on your relationship with the family you could send a condolence card or flowers to the funeral.

If it was me I would send a condolence card to my x. My x may be a lying cheating POS but I wont allow him to destroy my humanity or change my core values. Unlike him I am capable of sympathy and empathy.

You know your situation best though. Be true to yourself.

gypsybird87 posted 1/5/2014 23:48 PM


Oh PL. What a tough situation. I want to throw up for you too. We are strictly NC and XFIL has been very supportive of XWH and OW... but if he were to suddenly pass it would be very difficult for me to not do... I don't know.. something.

It's hard, I think, because we are good, loving people. If your sitch is at all like mine, you loved them like your own family for the time you were together with your WH. And that didn't just flip off like a switch because WH cheated.

I agree with Hurts. Is there some way you can convey your condolences to the family without going through WH? Hopefully that will give you some personal peace about it.

I'm glad you are not planning to contact WH, but you should probably be prepared for him to contact you. I know he hasn't... but you never know what will trigger them to do so. Don't let yourself get blindsided.

Hugs to you!!

PhantomLimb posted 1/5/2014 23:59 PM

My impulse is to do something... but he was so hideously cruel to me. It's just so confusing.

I googled obits and didn't see anything yet. I do like the idea of sending flowers or something, possibly... maybe.

After DDay and the S, I tried to contact his brother and mother (sent a card to her saying I was honored to be her daughter, etc). I got crickets back from them. So it's also hard to say whether they would even want to hear from me.

And I can't help but think, if it were me losing a parent, would I hear from him? I doubt it.

PhantomLimb posted 1/6/2014 00:45 AM

Well, my mother helped put it into perspective.

I called to tell her.

I was all solemn about it and said "Mom, [XWS]'s dad died."

Her response: "Who?"

XWS has a really common name, and she was honestly unsure who I was talking about.

Good ol' Mom.

It's obviously incredibly sad... but the thing is, it's not my job anymore. It's just another reminder of what was lost in this situation in terms of the families that were broken apart and how much I never wanted the D.

God help me, I still feel for him. But that will have to be it.

And someday I hope I'll need clarification like Mom when someone says XWS's name.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:13 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 1/6/2014 03:19 AM

And someday I hope I'll need clarification like Mom when someone says XWS's name.
Love this and your mom.

I am sorry for you loss, though, because in away I am sure you are feeling the loss all over again of everything. (((PL)))

SBB posted 1/6/2014 03:30 AM

Unless you were/are close to them or they've offered you support since DD I would keep your distance and ask your mutual friend to not mention you to him at all.

IMO I would ask everyone to stop telling you stuff about him.

I loved XMIL once, I still love XSILs. I would know if something happened to them because we are still in touch via FB (mainly for photos of the girls - I block everything else). I would not attend any of their funerals nor would I want any of them at mine. In our situation it would not be appropriate.

I would have my own 'ceremony' honouring them - perhaps light a candle or say a prayer (I am not at all religious so it would be a symbolic gesture of a way to honour their memory).

I too would feel for the sad clown's loss. No way in hell would I share that info with him.

cayc posted 1/6/2014 04:24 AM

You know PL, it warms my heart to see how well you are doing. Between how strong you are being wrt your xWH & then the equally insightful from a been there done that perspective advice I see you post on others threads ... you have come a LONG way & it makes me so proud of you!

Vulcanized posted 1/6/2014 05:44 AM

Is there some way to relay your condolences to your XMIL? If yes, I'd go that route.

I broke NC w/XH after 18 months when my grandfather died. XH was close to him; I got crickets back. It really broke my fucking heart.

That being said, I'd not say much to XH. Which is why I'm suggesting MIL. You can always send flowers, or a card, letting her know you are there in spirit.

PhantomLimb posted 1/6/2014 09:36 AM

cayc: thanks a lot! :) That makes me feel really good and even stronger. I'm trying so hard and I'm glad it shows!

His parents split when he was a kid and MIL cut FIL out of her life... an extreme NC to the point that she wouldn't accept child support or let the children communicate with him until they were adults and she couldn't control them anymore. Even then, if she heard that FIL had talked to XWS (he was usually the go-between), she'd try to reinforce the rhetoric she used on them when they were children about how he was a bad man.

FIL was definitely not well mentally. But the D was because not because of abuse or infidelity. It was more or less based on disagreements in parenting style and where each of them wanted to live. It was complicated.

So, ironically, if you were going to reach out to someone in his immediate family, it would be XWS.

This is also complicated by the fact that this man is at the root of XWS's FOO issues. The way he disappeared from the family for a number of years is how XWS learned to poof on people. Really did a number on him. I remember after DDay, my anger was primarily directed at FIL instead of at XWS or OW. Strange, I know.

Last night I sort of prayed/talked to FIL in my mind. I hope he has found the peace and health he never seemed to have IRL. And I asked him to keep an eye on XWS and help him heal to make up for the lousy deck he was dealt because of their D and FIL's (semi-forced)abandonment.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:39 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

lifestoshort posted 1/6/2014 13:00 PM

I just broke NC because my father died. Looking back, I wished I had never done it. He took it as a chance to get back at me, cause more issues and hurt. it was all a ploy to be near me.

careerlady posted 1/6/2014 13:33 PM

Oh. I think I'd send something to the funeral and nothing to XPOS in your sitch. I would send a card directly to the a Snake since we have a child. Everyone is different though.

NewMom0220 posted 1/6/2014 13:43 PM

I would tread carefully. Is it going to hurt you if you send something and receive no response from XWS? Would that send you reeling? I would send a condolence card and expect no reply. I think flowers might be a be seen as a gesture that opens the door to more communication, but if he doesn't respond in any way, then that might sting even worse than hearing from him.

I know this is tough, but you have to fight against your tendencies of being there for him. He has not been there for you as many people have said on this forum, he's fired you from the job.

I know when STBX's grandmother died I was hit with a million emotions all at once. I did reply to his email, "I am very sorry for your loss. I know how much she meant to you and I loved her too." He did not respond to that and I'm sure he didn't recieve my words in the same way I meant them. It's times like these that you have to hold on tight and not let the swirl of emotions overtake you.


[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 1:45 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

sparkysable posted 1/6/2014 14:20 PM

If any of the IL's died, I would not go to the funeral, I would not send a card or flowers, nothing.

They supported the affair and shut me and DD out? They are dead to me. Even if they actually die

gypsybird87 posted 1/6/2014 14:38 PM

A number of things have come up for me like this with x-familyinlaws. Not in regards to a death, thank goodness, but other things. Like to send a Mother's Day card, or a birthday card or not.

Each time I thought about it and decided what would feel best for me, regardless of their response or lack of response. It felt good to send Mother's Day cards, so I did. But before I sent them I was prepared for anything: positive response, negative response, or crickets. I accepted in advance whatever might happen, and was okay with it.

Try to figure out what will give you the most peace in this situation, to the degree that it's something you are in control of. If sending flowers feels right, period, regardless of their response, then do it. If sending flowers will only feel good IF you get a positive response back, and you'll be hurt if that doesn't happen, then don't do it.

Best of luck.... Please let us know how it goes, whatever you decide.


Pippy posted 1/6/2014 15:14 PM

When this happened to me, I reminded myself that XH didn't even acknowledge my mother's passing. So I didn't send any condolances. X-M-i-l supported XH new relationship.

But when his father passed I sent a donation to my favorite charity in his memory and went to his grave alone when no one was there,for my own private time to say good-bye. He stayed faithful to me and hated what XH did to me. I still miss him.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/6/2014 20:37 PM

I thought of something else that you can do if you feel that you want to pay your respects to your FIL.

The funeral home usually offers the family the option of asking for donations to some cause to be made in 'honor' of the deceased. If you do find out which funeral home is being used, you can call the home directly and make a donation if the family chose that option. Donations can even be made anonymously.....

PhantomLimb posted 1/6/2014 22:09 PM

Great ideas, everyone. I'm googling for the obit a couple of times a day. If it appears, perhaps I'll do something anonymous...

That seems to accomplish the goal of doing something I feel is right for me, without connecting with X.

Rainbows posted 1/7/2014 02:24 AM

My Ex has had three deaths in his family since Dday. I was very close to one person, but not the other two.

I reached out to my former in-laws right after dday and got crickets (per the Ex's request). It was so hurtful to be shut out by people I considered family for 10 years. So when the first passing occurred, I was stumped on what to do.

Ultimately, I spent time on the day of the funeral privately honoring the deceased (wrote a letter) and praying for them by myself. It was cathartic to say goodbye symbolically to people who were part of my extended family.

WIth regard to the Ex, a part of me wanted to reach out to him, but that wasn't really an option due to NC. Maintaining it is the best thing for my healing.

Also, not to be petty, but he didn't reach out whilst I was in excruciating pain over his A. I give all of myself to people I care about and my compassion is a gift for those who are truly deserving of it.

There are consequences to actions and he made his choices.

thebighurt posted 1/7/2014 08:13 AM

I love Sparkysable's post. That woman thinks like I do.

And, as Rainbows said,

Also, not to be petty, but he didn't reach out whilst I was in excruciating pain over his A. I give all of myself to people I care about and my compassion is a gift for those who are truly deserving of it.

Also, as SBB said, in addition to not attending, I would not want any of them at mine. That would be the epitomy of hypocrisy.

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