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Broke nc but am glad

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sodamnlost posted 1/5/2014 22:31 PM

SAWH has asked me several times today if we could talk. I ignored his requests. Finally I agreed to talk for a bit. I do realize I've threatened him so many times and never meant it clealry - he might be confused. Yeah - that's putting it mildly. Mind you he is living away, supposedly working on his SA recovery.

He asked how we "figure us out and build a new relationship." wow - his latest attempt at sobriety started Friday but I have no faith it's real - his words show the addict. he says he is there, recovering but he likes to think at some point we will reunify and we can continue with that.

ME - neither of us is in ANY position to even THINK about that - for a LONG time (we are Seperated but I decided to hold off on filing - I'm fixing me - he isn't my concern)
SAWH- I didn't mean it was soon - just seems like we are just so business like - its weird (Ii won't answer personal questions - always polite but it is business only)
ME - that's what we are
SAWH - it feels like overkill to me

WOW!!!! Did he REALLY actually say that?!?!? He has cheated on me our ENTIRE relationship, Tortured me in a false R for 15 months while cheating on me STILL, he FAKED sobriety after his admission of being a SA last month and me only speaking to him about the household stuff IS OVERKILL?!?!? Holy hell. I shouldn't be shocked yet I am. All I said was of course you think it's overkill would you like me to file for divorce? He said no (translate he wants to keep his family AND his addiction. Where do they come up with this stuff????

cantaccept posted 1/6/2014 06:23 AM


I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you.

This is so hard isn't it?

I am going to file this morning. I am still in shock that he was lying for 5 months, even in his own IC.

NC really is the best for us. It is very hard to maintain though. It feels unnatural.

Just wanted to give a hug.


sodamnlost posted 1/6/2014 06:27 AM

I am going to file this morning.


I'm so sorry!

SBB posted 1/6/2014 06:33 AM

The shit that comes out of their mouths is amazing. The complete lack of self-awareness or empathy, astonishing.

This is exactly why we question our own sanity sometimes. I honestly thought I was the crazy person. I had allowed myself to be gaslighted and did a fair bit of it to myself for so long that as my fog cleared I was virtually blinded by what I saw. Blinded.

Sad Clown: I know you can't believe me right now and I completely understand that given what I have done. But you just HAVE to trust me <<that I had full disclosure>>. I can't be in a M without trust.

Me: Yeah, me either.

I almost laughed out loud. I wish I had. I was sobbing too hard to laugh.

Overkill? You betcha. It really is the only way to get rid of parasites.

hurtbs posted 1/6/2014 08:00 AM

sodamn, Thinking of you. My exWH is also an SA. He was never truly in recovery. Can I ask, are you doing anything to work on you? COSA? S-ANON? Co-Dependents anonymous?

sodamnlost posted 1/6/2014 08:24 AM

sodamn, Thinking of you. My exWH is also an SA. He was never truly in recovery. Can I ask, are you doing anything to work on you? COSA? S-ANON? Co-Dependents anonymous?

I have a new IC who specializes in spouses of SA starting Wednesday. I have been reading. I have been really focusing on breaking the addiction I seem to have to his addiction/recovery. I am working on purging him from my life. I can't do meetings right now - my van has no heat and I have thyroid issues making me always cold. It's BITTER cold here now. I am finally starting to see JUST how damn codependent I am.

hurtbs posted 1/6/2014 08:26 AM

sodamn - some meetings have people that will come and pick you up. Think of it this way - if you had cancer, would the heater not working in your car be the reason you didn't get chemo?

BAB61 posted 1/6/2014 18:41 PM

You can sign up for COSA on-line, that's what I've done. I am in IC, and also going to DivorceCare Meetings once a week. For now that will do.

torn2bits posted 1/6/2014 20:18 PM

My WH is a SA. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I just wanted to say that some of us who have been with a SA don't necessarily need COSA or Al-non. We definitely need support for healing but whether we are truly co-dependent remains to be seen.

I am in just regular IC and its fabulous! I am more focused on me and my future, even though SAWH is making life a living hell because I am the *itch who ratted him out to everyone with his porn and such (during the early days).

Anyway, hugs to you. Be kind to yourself.

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