I found out on New Years Eve after asking WH to confirm that we were going into the new year with no secrets between us. He couldn't, and I've been listening to the rest of the story for the last 4 days. I drew my final line in the sand and WH finally stopped covering his own ass for real and owning his shit, but I'm a little, I dunno. Overwhelmed? Underwhelmed? In shock? Doing well? I can't tell. I feel OK, but the story is so sordid.
We've been together 7 years, married for 5. The current tally:
- Several handjobs with prostitutes during our engagement, and probably sex with one of them.
- Ditched own bachelor party before our wedding to have sex with a hooker. When he returned, the party was over and his friends had left.
- Three years of no cheating, but tons of porn (porn doesn't really bother me as long as our sex life is OK, but it wasn't at the time) and several false starts in terms of setting up a cheating situation, but not following through.
- Cheating resumed with lots of texting with prostitutes and browsing / texting casual encounters on Craigslist.
- Sex with prostitutes in the house in our bed several times when I went out of town, women and transsexuals. There was, at another time, unprotected sex with a prostitute.
- Countless visits to massage parlors for handjobs.
- Making out, ONS, and picking up random women (and a man) at bars, many of whom are distantly involved in my social circle.
- A one-year long EA/PA with someone I saw around that included dating, unprotected sex in her house and my house, sending romantic songs, text messages, email, a secret vacation, drugs, alcohol and tons of lies.
WH and I spent a few minutes last night googling "[our city] ladyboy blowjob" because he admitted one of the transsexual prostitutes might have taken a photo of him while he was going down on her. I felt strangely ambivalent about it, though I did have the distant thought, "Wow, look at my life", as I scanned through the pictures looking for my husband. He seemed a bit mortified.
I don't even know which "I can relate" forum to hang out in anymore.
Listening to all this, something strange happened, and I don't know if this is numbness and shock, or if I've reached acceptance.
I let go of the bitterness of losing our marriage. That marriage was a lie, I'm glad it's gone and I can live in reality now. Suddenly I can concentrate on work again. I stopped (for the last 4 days anyway) judging WH - he has a problem. I accepted that this has happened to us, and I can live with it. I stopped blaming all the OPs - there are too many, clearly this has nothing to do with them. I stopped worrying about my own body, worthiness, etc. This goes back way before our marriage, and clearly has nothing to do with me, either. I stopped tallying every new betrayal as a stab in the heart to sob over: I simply assume anything terrible that could have happened, did happen. I stopped obsessing about the long term OW: WH was propositioning tons of people at that time, trying to get free sex instead of using prostitutes, and was turned down several times, OW was just the first one to say 'yes' and to keep saying 'yes'. Little did she know what she'd gotten herself into.
WH booked an IC appointment for me today, my first one. I'm going to talk to her, but I don't even know what I need from her. Support in case this weird feeling of neutrality doesn't last (and of course, like all my other emotions, it probably won't)? Support in the likely event he does this again and I have to walk?
I take strange comfort in the fact that he stopped throwing me bullshit blanket statements like "I'll never ever do this again," and "I'm not lying anymore, that's everything" and started saying things like, "I have a problem, and I will need to be vigilant and careful from now on" and "I can't think of anything else I did right now but there might be more, I will volunteer it when I think of it."
Has anyone else on here got a WH that spanned the complete spectrum of sexual acting out? I just... I don't even know what to do but urge him to continue being radically honest about his issues and face them.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 7:51 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
Do you honestly believe he won't cheat again? If the answer is no, then... why are you still with him?
I know it sucks to be alone. But being constantly betrayed, lied to, how can that be better? I would think that would eventually destroy your soul.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You've been through a lot.
best of luck to you.
Yes, there are people here who have partners who acted out in the entire sexual gamut. I don't know if any are active on the forums now. I don't know if any reconciled/stayed reconciled when they finally knew the entire truth. As far as I know my ex didn't act out with men, but considering all the other extremely deviant things I found out it wouldn't surprise me.
Please take good care of yourself. Have you both tested for STD's (blood, urine, pap)? Make sure that you eat & drink. Have you read books about sexual addiction? Have you read material aimed at partners of sex addicts?
I really feel solid right now. It has to be shock, though, right? I just feel like, "sigh, guess I'll have to write off our whole relationship up until now - as long as he's being honest now and this doesn't continue".
My brain just can't keep going through every single one of these incidents, there are too many. So now, in my head, it's just one big thing.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:48 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]
I'm not trying to be cruel here.... why are you still with him?
I could talk about that for a long time, but I won't. Contrary to appearances, I'm a big feminist, I'm sex-positive, and I'm not a doormat. I fully recognize what this is. The sexual acting out was a huge problem buried deep in him, the lying to cover it up was conflict avoidance, the repeated lies after DDay were flat-out emotional abuse. I know what I'm dealing with (I think). And I am close to leaving. But I have seen a remarkable change this week, and - because of pure faith in the power of human beings to change themselves - I wanna see where it goes. I am strong enough to take it and recognize the likelihood that he won't be able to hang. I am not beat down or unable to get out of here. I am not crying frequently. I don't feel dazed or out of it - I did all that over the last 120 days.
We have no kids. I have a job. But I love him, and I have just enough faith left to see this out one last time.
WH had the full panel of STD tests a few months ago when I found out. He was clean.
I just would love it if there was anyone around who stuck it out past something like this?
Do you honestly believe he won't cheat again?
Too early to tell. I honestly believe he doesn't want to cheat again. He hasn't cheated since DDay, and has been trying harder than I've ever see anyone try to pull themselves out of a huge pit of crap. He dropped all contact with OW pretty much instantly (I'm in the tech industry and he's not, so pretty sure he's not hiding anything I couldn't find now that I know about it), and has been peeling back the layers of this mess since then. The peeling-back hurt, hurt, hurt. But I'm OK right now. Maybe 'cuz we got to the bottom layer?
[This message edited by Thessalian at 12:05 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
Go to IC. You'd be surprised what they can help with.
Wow. I'm not one for labels, but it's plain to see that he's got a very complex issue that is going to take a ton of effort to make a dent in. You don't get to have any control of that either, so is he willing to go through the hardest times in his life to get out the other side?
I agree, you're likely in shock
Sigh. Yeah, maybe so. Really doesn't feel like it, but when many people on SI say the same thing, I've learned to listen.
He is, yes. He is willing. These last few days he has been staring down a lifetime of shame, guilt and repression without fear. He has been a coward until now, but this has been kind of miraculous to see. It's actually kind of beautiful to watch.
Or, he's totally bullshitting me. Doesn't seem that way though. I know he is willing, I just don't know how hard he can work himself down the road. Time will tell.
I do know that I am not willing to see it through with him, though, if he is unable to stop after having faced these issues in the light. It has always been a huge secret, even from himself. Very much a "see a prostitute, then tell himself it didn't happen" kind of thing. And wallah! It never happened.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 12:03 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
You are in shock. Be prepared, when it hits, you will feel run over.
Hang in there.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I agree. It does sound as though you are in shock and are protecting yourself right now, which is a good thing. And actually, because of the extent of the *stuff* that makes up your H's infidelities, it would be impossible to wrap your mind around it all in a few short days anyway. Your thinking sounds clear to me though. The marriage you thought you had never existed. The person you thought you married never existed. One question: you say WH booked a counseling session for you. ..... How about for him? I would urge you both to go.
Oh, sorry, in case it was unclear: I did not just find all of that out at once. I've known about most of this after the first month (DDay in August). I found out the majority of the rest in SEptember, and there has been some moderate TT in the meantime. WH has always seemed a little reluctant to just illuminate everything. Well, on New Years he did. The list above is the whole story - most of which I knew already and was already healing a bit from.
What I didn't realize was that this had been going on before we got married (prior to New years, I thought it was just the last 2 years that he snapped and went out of control). But in light of the new info, it's clearly a life-long sex issue.
I hope as he made your IC appt, he made himself one with a CSAT. He also needs to get in to a SA 12 step program immediately.
He's been seeing IC for 3 months. This is just my first appointment.
Is he in a SA group? Does he see a CSAT?
No, the depth of the prostitute issue just came out a few days ago and the sex addiction issue was just raised in our conversations then - we are looking at all options. We are also expatriates based in a location where English is not the native language, so resources are limited. We started finding some online groups last night, and my IC has experience in this field.
I just would love it if there was anyone around who stuck it out past something like this?
Oh, I tried. Some of us do try. I hung in there for YEARS. Gave him three beautiful children and the rest of my youth & sexuality. I believed that my non-judgment, my love, my going along with it, the children, the fašade, it would be what he needed. The stability would be what he needed to realize how life could be without all that nastiness. I read books, signed us up for informative emails. All the good stuff that good wives do. It was all for naught.
I wish you luck. I implore you not to have children with this man.
It takes YEARS to even BEGIN to make inroads into that thing called recovery. Took my SAFWH at least two years WITH a CSAT. Sure, he was sober, but that doesn't mean he was in recovery. Years to undo a life time of addict think. I never thought my SAFWH would stick to it. And if I didn't have a lifetime of history, children, and financial entanglements, I would have cut my losses and run. No where in marriage vows does it say you have to live with this.
If you do, please put counseling for you high on the list of priorities.