Together 17 years
On DDAY my BH witnessed a convrrsation on fb bw myself and AP....I was at work, he was at home using my kindle.
AP and a friend both told me to go home and lie to my BH but at that point I knew it would only make maters worse. I sent my BH a message asking him to bring our DD somewhere. ....at that point I had no right to ask him for anything but I didn't want her to witness it. .
That was the scariest ride home of my life....I answered all his questions and we talked and then he kicked me out.
That was our first DDAY.....the second one was in September.
[This message edited by rachelc at 8:57 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
So he called the number and got OM's voicemail. Then he began to dig for more evidence and found pics, texts, videos, etc. on the cell account.
I was at work at the time and pretty much suspected I had been busted when he didn't return my texts. I knew I was busted when he texted me a video he had found of the OM jacking off.
It was horrible. It was like my life flashed before my eyes, as cliché as it sounds. I was overwhelmed with panic. In an instant I knew I didn't want to lose my marriage, but I also knew it was too late.
I called the OM and told him I'd been caught. I then called my mother and told her I was probably getting divorced because I'd had an affair. The first thing she said was, "You'd better fix it!" The second thing she said was, "I wanted to be a grandmother so bad!"
I stayed with friends that night (XH didn't come home and wouldn't answer his phone, and I didn't want him to think I'd gone to the OM's house) and we didn't speak until the next day. He had already decided he wanted a D. At first he said maybe we could R after going through with the divorce but he changed his mind the next month.
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
Both are damaging and painful.
Affair 4 was confessed. My husband didn't suspect anything. I was exhibiting strange behaviors in the month prior to confession and while QS thought it was weird, he never suspected an A.
We rug swept, did what we felt we had to do, and then tried to move on. I thought I would just stop having an affair but didn't, started up again fully two months later, although really never ended.
Second DDay he discovered although he had suspected for a while it had continued. Found private messages I had sent to someone trying to figure out how to fix my shambles of a life. Totally broke him, which broke me finally. I had also started with a new therapist shortly before that who was finally helping me unlike the first one I had.
There is no 'worse or better' for a betrayed spouse. Both are horrible.
[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 1:28 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
He panicked and called me and confessed - while I was driving!! He said he had a strong feeling it was going to come out that week. I couldn't even have imagined such a horrible thing, so I was clueless.
But, this is possibly worse - we were all friends, and when OW told OBS, he laughed; he thought it was a joke.
Second time I came across Facebook conversations between him and two female coworkers. Nothing horrible but borderline inappropriate. I checked later and they were deleted. So I started watching his activity. He began flirting heavily with another coworker. After two days of conversations with sexual innuendos and some mild cyber sexing I confronted him. Again he claimed it was all harmless.
[This message edited by cl131716 at 1:50 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
It was about that time I found SI and posted my 'confusion' here on WS forum and soon after was schooled in marital boundaries and EAs.
I confessed a lot over the next month or two. It was what I did not confess that made things 100 times worse. I lied "to save my BS's feelings" about various things about FOM, our former relationship, my feelings and other intimate details. BS found out many of these things on his own and was livid. And heartbroken.
At the time I think I honestly thought I was holding back for my BH's sake. Only after the fog lifted and some serious IC did I see I was holding back the truth to make things more comfortable for me, and to keep something in reserve, some trick up my sleeve maybe. And that the fact that I was holding back, and the things I was holding back, were huge indications about my lack of marital boundaries and the way I manipulated men, either to get attention (OM) or to keep myself on a pedestal (BS).
In my case I was so foggy and so in my own head and my own issues that I don't think I could even have seen the right path. It's not that I saw the right path and didn't take it - though there was a lot of that, I admit - but that some of the right behaviors I couldn't even see. I had to grow into them, learn them. That process was a vulnerable time in our marriage. my BS could easily have checked out, but he stuck it out. He later had his own affair but he and I both really feel like that was something separate from mine, not caused by my lack of boundaries but more reflective of his own different issues.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
The first three were kind of carried out right under his nose and not hidden. What I did was throwing up red flags, but we didn't know what an EA was till DDay on affair 4.
ICR to Aubrie's comment, and I could have written something very similar to Circe's 1st paragraph.
I didn't know what an EA was till coming here. I had several variations especially one in particular. It wasn't till after my husband's affair and coming to SI that I could see that. I didn't cross the line I had of what was right and wrong in my mind, which made it acceptable. I didn't know what boundaries were let alone that mine were terrible. Or that being a KISA was a bad thing, or some of the other multitude of wayward traits I had, or that my line in the sand of right and wrong was a long way from respectful on any count. Another reason I'm thankful for SI.
My husband confessed to having an affair. What he confessed to was a complete fabrication. I found a receipt and that's when he started to confess to things that had any truth to it.
When he confronted me over #5 (yes the number makes me sick every time) I clearly trickled out the truth. Slowly. I denied and denied and denied. Then I admitted an emotion affair, but of course it was so much more. For two weeks I pretended it was nothing more. Then I admitted it was physical. But, it still took two months for me to disclose the rest of the story. 1 purely EA (which I still struggle with defining that way) and 4 mixed. Not to mention countless inappropriate "friendships." I was discovered through my cell phone use.
It is absolutely true that I was afraid. I was afraid of the consequences (and many of my worst case scenarios have come true), and afraid of the hurt because as more truth was told more pain was felt. My BH was wrong when he said it couldn't hurt any more, because he hurt more and more with every confession I made. I think we are past that point, but every new detail he requests seems to trigger the depths of the hurt again. It still frightens me, but I am trying VERY hard to push through.
As I've said before, I know that I've done everything the wrong way. It's why I'm here. It's why I post. I'm trying, and need lots of guidance. I can't trust my own judgment right now, so I trust you all to help.
"As I've said before, I know that I've done everything the wrong way. It's why I'm here. It's why I post. I'm trying, and need lots of guidance. I can't trust my own judgment right now, so I trust you all to help."
We have all made poor choices. It is a struggle to recover our sense of self and honesty. But like you have said - it is why we are here, why we post. Why can't you trust your own judgement? I have that fear too. For the longest time I relied on other people to make choices for me. I gave away the right to make choices thinking it was too much of a burden, also because I needed approval so badly that making others decide for me made me feel valued and accepted. I was also afraid that if I offend people I would be abandoned. It helps me now when I can look at my past history this way. I tell myself that I need to take responsibility and know the reason why. We can change and be our good selves. Why can't trust your own judgement? Please give yourself a chance to be better. We just have to try somehow.
[This message edited by grains at 8:47 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]
The entire 3 months he was cheating there were red flags galore - my only defense for not seeing what was happening is that I had an infant daughter I needed to focus on.
I'm pretty sure that the fact that it was a confession and not a discovery is the largest part of why I chose to try and Reconcile. The honesty in the face of certain judgment and shame is the spark that kept me going.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:06 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]
After two years i couldn't stand it anymore and kicked him out. It was then that he confessed.
Even though deep down i knew, it was still a devastating shock to have it confirmed. I was also relieved in a way, to know it wasn't me and that i wasn't imagining things. Wh, my mum and best friend had all said he would never do that to me making me think it was all in my head.