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Disclosure or Discovery

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grains posted 1/6/2014 00:56 AM

What was it like for you as a WS on DDay? Did you come forward and confess or was it discovered through an email, a receipt, someone letting your BS know? I remember my BS finding a receipt and when she asked me about it I went through elaborate stories to try to cover up and deceive her even more. I finally realized how useless it was to deny it and admitted to the affair. I was not even thinking of her feelings and only looking more to protect myself by trickling the details. This caused more suffering for my BS. I am trying to think why I did not come forward with the affair. I know that I was really more concerned about my own protection. If I thought more about how the affair is hurting my BS then I would probably have come forward. Now I know what cowardice is. What did you do? I would also like to ask what the BS's think.

devasted30 posted 1/6/2014 05:10 AM

If you read my story, you will see how things went with me. A couple of weeks after my WS left (out of the blue, I had no idea that our marriage was in serious trouble) I started investigating and one thing led to another and I realized there was another woman. I had been asked by friends if there was someone else, but I knew the type of person my husband was and assured them that WS would never do that - NEVER!
I called him on the phone and after begging him to tell me the truth, I asked him where he was. He told me, "with a friend". After a few pointed questions, I asked him if he was having an affair and he finally said yes. I was stunned. On January 1, 2013, he came back home. I asked him if there was anyone else and he confessed to one other affair. I gave him a "free pass" that day. I asked him to tell me all of it. He didn't. I got an email the next day from his scorned ex-lover and she told me some horrible things about my WS. He denied most of it including the fact that neither had ever been in our home, but that too was a lie. So many things that were in that email were true. It took months before I found out the whole truth. Many, many months and each truth took another piece of my soul and destroyed me all over again. He protected himself with his continual lying. He was trying to stop the hurt but created so much more in the long run. We would be so much further along in this healing process, IMHO, but that didn't happen.
And I'm not sure I have it all now. Yesterday, he agreed to a polygraph and I hope to arrange that soon. If he fails, it's over. I have begged and pleaded for the whole truth NO MATTER WHAT. Surely, I deserve at least that! That is my line in the sand and I will stick by that come hell or high water.
The only thing I would say to any WS is no matter what, no matter how much it is going to hurt, no matter how scared you are that the truth might ruin things, finding out about the lies makes the hurt so much worse. Tell the truth. Tell the whole ugly sordid story. Finally show your BS that you respect her enough to at least do that,

Alyssamd24 posted 1/6/2014 08:49 AM

My A was BH already had suspicions because a few weeks before DDAY he had my cellphone when the AP sent me a message. I made up an excuse about the message and told my BH that AP and I were just friends.

On DDAY my BH witnessed a convrrsation on fb bw myself and AP....I was at work, he was at home using my kindle.

AP and a friend both told me to go home and lie to my BH but at that point I knew it would only make maters worse. I sent my BH a message asking him to bring our DD somewhere. that point I had no right to ask him for anything but I didn't want her to witness it. .

That was the scariest ride home of my life....I answered all his questions and we talked and then he kicked me out.

That was our first DDAY.....the second one was in September.

rachelc posted 1/6/2014 08:56 AM

I confessed.
He was caught. Twice. All were awful. Discovery makes trust in recovery so very hard.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:57 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 1/6/2014 11:08 AM

I was caught. My XH was doing bills and noticed a higher than usual cell phone bill. I had been under the impression that we had unlimited mobile-to-mobile calling on any network. Turns out it was just unlimited within our carrier.

So he called the number and got OM's voicemail. Then he began to dig for more evidence and found pics, texts, videos, etc. on the cell account.

I was at work at the time and pretty much suspected I had been busted when he didn't return my texts. I knew I was busted when he texted me a video he had found of the OM jacking off.

It was horrible. It was like my life flashed before my eyes, as cliché as it sounds. I was overwhelmed with panic. In an instant I knew I didn't want to lose my marriage, but I also knew it was too late.

I called the OM and told him I'd been caught. I then called my mother and told her I was probably getting divorced because I'd had an affair. The first thing she said was, "You'd better fix it!" The second thing she said was, "I wanted to be a grandmother so bad!"

I stayed with friends that night (XH didn't come home and wouldn't answer his phone, and I didn't want him to think I'd gone to the OM's house) and we didn't speak until the next day. He had already decided he wanted a D. At first he said maybe we could R after going through with the divorce but he changed his mind the next month.

heartbroken2012 posted 1/6/2014 11:13 AM

I dont care how it went down for me and my WH, but it was disclosure (after many suspicions).

Both are damaging and painful.

Nailinmyforehead posted 1/6/2014 11:30 AM

My FWW disclosed to me. I had no clue. Honestly. No warning signs that I saw. She texted me from work that we needed to talk and we met for coffee. She then tells me she can't lie to me any longer and that she was seeing someone. Huh? Knock me over with a feather. In hindsight, I can't help but feel it would have been worse had I suspected it and then caught her. In that situation, I don't think R would be possible. She is a good wife. She just made some damned awful decisions and lost her way for a bit.

Daisy1967 posted 1/6/2014 11:35 AM

My husband found a spare cell phone that had my friend's number on it, and I had been leaving the house too much at odd times.

Aubrie posted 1/6/2014 12:17 PM

The first three were kind of carried out right under his nose and not hidden. What I did was throwing up red flags, but we didn't know what an EA was till DDay on affair 4.

Affair 4 was confessed. My husband didn't suspect anything. I was exhibiting strange behaviors in the month prior to confession and while QS thought it was weird, he never suspected an A.

rachelc posted 1/6/2014 12:25 PM

I don't how I will recover from discovering two - just taking it day by day and knowing I can leave at any time feels freeing and comforting. I've certainly grown and I don't want anything more negative to happen from his choices. Me leaving would affect me negatively, in many circumstances.
Lots to weigh!

helpemegetoverit posted 1/6/2014 12:48 PM

The first DDay I confessed but only because I had to. He had no idea but also traveled 300 days a year.

We rug swept, did what we felt we had to do, and then tried to move on. I thought I would just stop having an affair but didn't, started up again fully two months later, although really never ended.

Second DDay he discovered although he had suspected for a while it had continued. Found private messages I had sent to someone trying to figure out how to fix my shambles of a life. Totally broke him, which broke me finally. I had also started with a new therapist shortly before that who was finally helping me unlike the first one I had.

There is no 'worse or better' for a betrayed spouse. Both are horrible.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 1:28 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 1/6/2014 13:44 PM

H thought I discovered, but I was clueless -- even after google autofilled his secret email address with his and his APs name smushed together as the address. (She was a friend - I just thought, "why does it keep saying "" when I type in "WH?")

He panicked and called me and confessed - while I was driving!! He said he had a strong feeling it was going to come out that week. I couldn't even have imagined such a horrible thing, so I was clueless.

But, this is possibly worse - we were all friends, and when OW told OBS, he laughed; he thought it was a joke.

cl131716 posted 1/6/2014 13:47 PM

BS here. I discovered both. The first time he accidentally sent me a text meant for her. Of course she was "just a friend". A couple of weeks later I checked his phone and found texts that made it obvious she was not just a friend! He promised never to talk to her again. We sorta broke up for a couple of days and when we got back together he admitted he contacted her to ask what he should do because he loved me soooo much. He recently confessed he actually talked to her about anal sex right before he came over and he didn't stop talking to her for 4 more months after that. He even met her somewhere and they "pecked" on the lips.

Second time I came across Facebook conversations between him and two female coworkers. Nothing horrible but borderline inappropriate. I checked later and they were deleted. So I started watching his activity. He began flirting heavily with another coworker. After two days of conversations with sexual innuendos and some mild cyber sexing I confronted him. Again he claimed it was all harmless.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 1:50 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

circe posted 1/6/2014 15:57 PM

I didn't confess per se -my BS found all my emails between me and FOM and read them I think in one long sitting. I had swiss cheese boundaries, so upon being confronted I sat there "confused" as to why this long stream of emotionally intimate, caring, overly friendly, reminiscent emails should cause my BS so much distress. I did a lot of "but we're just friends!" and "friends are allowed to talk about these things" and (horribly) "but I've known him even longer than I've known you, so we have the RIGHT to keep our intimacy on a level it was before I married you!" and other such things.

It was about that time I found SI and posted my 'confusion' here on WS forum and soon after was schooled in marital boundaries and EAs.

I confessed a lot over the next month or two. It was what I did not confess that made things 100 times worse. I lied "to save my BS's feelings" about various things about FOM, our former relationship, my feelings and other intimate details. BS found out many of these things on his own and was livid. And heartbroken.

At the time I think I honestly thought I was holding back for my BH's sake. Only after the fog lifted and some serious IC did I see I was holding back the truth to make things more comfortable for me, and to keep something in reserve, some trick up my sleeve maybe. And that the fact that I was holding back, and the things I was holding back, were huge indications about my lack of marital boundaries and the way I manipulated men, either to get attention (OM) or to keep myself on a pedestal (BS).

In my case I was so foggy and so in my own head and my own issues that I don't think I could even have seen the right path. It's not that I saw the right path and didn't take it - though there was a lot of that, I admit - but that some of the right behaviors I couldn't even see. I had to grow into them, learn them. That process was a vulnerable time in our marriage. my BS could easily have checked out, but he stuck it out. He later had his own affair but he and I both really feel like that was something separate from mine, not caused by my lack of boundaries but more reflective of his own different issues.

Clarrissa posted 1/6/2014 19:08 PM

I was caught. My H had found some notes the OM had written to me. The ironic thing in my situation is my H never would have found them if I hadn't thrown them away. I was caught because I was trying to cover my ass. After a month of (mild?) TT, I confessed to things I very well could have kept my H in the dark about. So I guess in my case, it was both busted and confessed.

DixieD posted 1/6/2014 19:48 PM

The first three were kind of carried out right under his nose and not hidden. What I did was throwing up red flags, but we didn't know what an EA was till DDay on affair 4.

ICR to Aubrie's comment, and I could have written something very similar to Circe's 1st paragraph.

I didn't know what an EA was till coming here. I had several variations especially one in particular. It wasn't till after my husband's affair and coming to SI that I could see that. I didn't cross the line I had of what was right and wrong in my mind, which made it acceptable. I didn't know what boundaries were let alone that mine were terrible. Or that being a KISA was a bad thing, or some of the other multitude of wayward traits I had, or that my line in the sand of right and wrong was a long way from respectful on any count. Another reason I'm thankful for SI.

My husband confessed to having an affair. What he confessed to was a complete fabrication. I found a receipt and that's when he started to confess to things that had any truth to it.

Wayflost posted 1/6/2014 20:01 PM

I was not lucky enough to come clean on my own. There were SO MANY chances, SO MANY lost opportunities to tell my husband the truth. But I justified it (the first time) with thinking it was over, out of my system, that I had learned. So naive was I.

When he confronted me over #5 (yes the number makes me sick every time) I clearly trickled out the truth. Slowly. I denied and denied and denied. Then I admitted an emotion affair, but of course it was so much more. For two weeks I pretended it was nothing more. Then I admitted it was physical. But, it still took two months for me to disclose the rest of the story. 1 purely EA (which I still struggle with defining that way) and 4 mixed. Not to mention countless inappropriate "friendships." I was discovered through my cell phone use.

It is absolutely true that I was afraid. I was afraid of the consequences (and many of my worst case scenarios have come true), and afraid of the hurt because as more truth was told more pain was felt. My BH was wrong when he said it couldn't hurt any more, because he hurt more and more with every confession I made. I think we are past that point, but every new detail he requests seems to trigger the depths of the hurt again. It still frightens me, but I am trying VERY hard to push through.

As I've said before, I know that I've done everything the wrong way. It's why I'm here. It's why I post. I'm trying, and need lots of guidance. I can't trust my own judgment right now, so I trust you all to help.

grains posted 1/7/2014 00:05 AM

Thank you all for your replies. I know that just the act of telling our stories helps in the understanding and the healing. The different perspectives let us know that we are not alone and that each of us carry our burdens in our own way.


"As I've said before, I know that I've done everything the wrong way. It's why I'm here. It's why I post. I'm trying, and need lots of guidance. I can't trust my own judgment right now, so I trust you all to help."

We have all made poor choices. It is a struggle to recover our sense of self and honesty. But like you have said - it is why we are here, why we post. Why can't you trust your own judgement? I have that fear too. For the longest time I relied on other people to make choices for me. I gave away the right to make choices thinking it was too much of a burden, also because I needed approval so badly that making others decide for me made me feel valued and accepted. I was also afraid that if I offend people I would be abandoned. It helps me now when I can look at my past history this way. I tell myself that I need to take responsibility and know the reason why. We can change and be our good selves. Why can't trust your own judgement? Please give yourself a chance to be better. We just have to try somehow.

[This message edited by grains at 8:47 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 1/7/2014 01:05 AM

FWH made a full blown confession - unsolicited.

The entire 3 months he was cheating there were red flags galore - my only defense for not seeing what was happening is that I had an infant daughter I needed to focus on.

I'm pretty sure that the fact that it was a confession and not a discovery is the largest part of why I chose to try and Reconcile. The honesty in the face of certain judgment and shame is the spark that kept me going.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:06 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

HormonalWoman posted 1/7/2014 04:17 AM

BS here and i'd say ours was disclosure under duress i suppose! I was suspicious something was going on when wh was away from home working. My suspicions were aroused further once he was home. But, i never had any proof and he said nothing had happened. He and ow were emailing but even in those there was nothing to suggest anything sexual had happened between them or that they were anything more than friends. But it was odd how me and the kids were always referred to as 'the family' and i was never mentioned separately at all....

After two years i couldn't stand it anymore and kicked him out. It was then that he confessed.

Even though deep down i knew, it was still a devastating shock to have it confirmed. I was also relieved in a way, to know it wasn't me and that i wasn't imagining things. Wh, my mum and best friend had all said he would never do that to me making me think it was all in my head.

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