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deena posted 1/6/2014 01:17 AM

I am not sure what is happening to me.

I know I have become very distant from WH lately and wanting out so bad because I don't feel anything for him anymore.

4 year Dday aniv was Dec. That is why I don't enjoy Christmas anymore and I get more anxious.

I come back to this site maybe because I need to talk or hear someone listen to me????

Our marriage died from his cheating, lying about it....but mostly I feel because of his not allowing talk.

Lately I have been trying harder to avoid him. If he falls asleep on the couch I work hard to not wake him and go to bed. If he goes to bed I use excuses to stay up a little longer so he would be sleeping by the time I get to bed (I am a casual teachers assistant so I get the Christmas school break off). I feel I cringe if he at times touches me or hugs me
BUT NOW
I find that I can't sleep at nights...especially in the same bed as he is in. I start finding it hard to breath and my heart feels like it is racing. So I end up staying up late and eventually falling asleep on the couch.
I have been very down since Nov. I really don't like this time of year. And I know it may be Dec Dday that causes this.

Is this panck attacks???? And why is this worse now??
I need this to stop and I don't want to start taking my "calming pills". I haven't taken one in over a year? I still have some left, but they make me so drowsy in the morning.

Am I making any sense?

PRNDL posted 1/6/2014 01:42 AM

I an very sorry you are feeling like this. I believe its very normal to feel lime that after what he did. I absolutly can not imagine how you have been able to hang in there for 4 whole years after your D-day. I am no professional when it comes to this, but it seems like you have a ton of resentment built up and it wants you to address it.

I felt like you did when was in limbo. i did not know weather to stay or go. i felt horribly towards my cheating wife, but stayed to do the "right thing" for our son. My D-day was 9 months ago. I couldnt do it any longer. I tried to R, but my body totally rejected the idea. I was phobic of her. The sight of her made me panic. She had a one year affair and kept seeing the OM 6 months after D-day when I though we were R.

I had to go. I wanted to stay so bad, but my anxiety, worries, obsessions would not stop. I gave her the house and furnature and left. Im at peace now. I think its time for you to movd on. Your M has been over for 4 years. Thats just my honest opinion. Your case might be different. It all depends on how bad your WS made u suffer.

deena posted 1/6/2014 01:57 AM

It all depends on how bad your WS made u suffer

Lately I don't know if I am seeing things more clearer or what, but I don't know why I stayed this long.

It wasn't just the cheating but his actions/non actions after.

I look at him now and I see him as more of an arrogant lying a****** . I can't see any good anymore.

And yes it makes me feel sick to be in the same house as him. It has been building up to this for over a year now. It feels like it has hit the boiling point.

But I feel I just have to hang in there for a few more months to make it easier in so many ways. Not just for me but for my kids. I think.

PRNDL posted 1/6/2014 02:25 AM

I understand why you stayed. Trust me. I justified staying for all those months. Mainly for my son.

In my case my wife treated me HORRIBLE while shd cheated and especially after. After D-day I would cry and beg her not to leave me for the OP. She would look at md and say "thats unattractive. He (the OP) would never act like that". Yup, she was cold hearted and kept on with the A.

Leaving was truly the begining of my healing. Im living on a tiny room at my moms while we D.

Before I left ghe house, I had so much built up resentment because for 7 months she refused to let me talk about the A.

4 years is way too long Deena. I think deep down inside you feel like he was able to have his fun, screw around, experience that new relationship feeling, yet face no consequences. You probaby feel as if he is not sorry enough. This was how I felt.
You know what you have to do. your body is telling you.
How old are your children?

[This message edited by PRNDL at 2:29 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

PRNDL posted 1/6/2014 02:43 AM

Deena, you are further into this than some of us. If you feel this way, then maybe your getting that strange feeling that he may be in another A. If you felt no progress with him after 4 years, then you may as well been in limbo. Im so sorry for that, but you absolutly can not live like that. He is the source of negative emotions.

When I see my wife, I get this feeling. A phobic feeling. I compare it to when a person that had been chased and attacked by a dog as a child sees a big scary unleashed dog later on as an adult. Im terrified of heights. I get that way too high feeling when I see her. This was due to the trauma she caused me.

Why stay Deena? Build your strangth, come up with a plan, no excuses, and 180D his ass.

You sentenced yourself to a 4 years for his crime. No pills, dont mask your feelings. Listen to them. Try to get some rest.

deena posted 1/6/2014 03:14 AM

Thank you PRNDL for your compassion and advice.

I have 4 kids. 2 are still at home. It is the youngest DD that I worry about right now. She is at that age of just finding herself and it can be a very vulnerable time. She is 16. I have 2 older DD's so I have seen this stage in them.

I want to wait until she is done her school year before I finalize this marriage so she can have the summer to get used to what happens.

It is just getting harder to keep everything looking decently normal.

PRNDL posted 1/6/2014 07:03 AM

Here is my panic attack story:

Two days after D-day I learned the true meaning if panic attacks. They nearly costed me my career because of that cheating peace of garbage and how she treated me. I had to be heavily medicated.

I was terrified of when the next one would come, and the constant fear brought them on. A vicious cycle.
After a few months and therapy, I learned how to control them. This was not good enough.

I researched panic attacks heavily. I learned that they can not hurt you and only last about 15 min. I learned his to breath and ground myself. When I got one I no longer feared. I even demanded more.

I weened of the meds 4 months ago. They are gone now. I called that panics bluff and it no longer returns.

One panic and anxiety knows your name and know it can scare you, it will keep coming back. Don't be afraid.

They truly are self generated.

Make a plan, but keep the momentum going. Don't just stay out of convenience.

deena posted 1/6/2014 08:55 AM

Thank you PRNDL.

I am sorry I missed your last post.
I finally fell asleep last night.....tired this morning. Slept thru alarm but DD woke me up and I got her to school on time.

I fell asleep on the couch again last night.
Being out of the bed with him and your talk helped.

My "panic attacks" if that's what they are don't sound as bad as yours. But I am worried that it gets worst lately.

Yes convenience might have played a part in my staying towards the end here. But finances also. But that is improving and it looks better. That is also why I think in a few months it might be a better time to be more insistant on a separation.
I am also bothered by his anger when I say anything about us. Not that I am scared of him, just that I hate confrontation of any kind

Thank you again PRNDL for being there for me last night.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 1/6/2014 09:04 AM

Hi, Deena,

Panic attacks are caused by stress. But, stress alone can cause what you're experiencing. I had panic attacks for 2 years prior to Dday when I thought things were fine with xwf.

I will say that you putting up with ws's treatment of you and stuffing, stuffing, and stuffing has put your health at serious risk. I am an RN and see patients sometimes in the hospital that jfo about their ws's A's or had been dealing with it for a long time and they were admitted with chest pain and all kinds of serious symptoms. This "epidemic" causes people tremendous pain, suffering, and adds to our financial burdens of health insurance.

I had no option but to kick out xwf, had serious symptoms, 3 years later still have times of triggers or new ah,ha moments as I wasn't able to move out of the home or area. Am much much better this far out. But, I have really been affected by the stress. My body has lost muscle, weight, immune system strength, and my mind is in self protective mode. I figured I changed forever.

But I can't imagine dealing with the arrogant look, talk, attitude, sleeping near/same bed, living in same house. For 4 years? I'd be dead by now. This adds tons to Dday after-effects.

So with that in mind, you must take care of yourself now. Don't wait. I highly suggest you listen to your body asap, 180 this person, drink lots of water, eat as healthy as you can and keep eating. I understand you've been staying for the kids, but you will not help them if something happens to you. The stress continues it's effects on you unseen no matter how you cope in the thick of things. I thought I was doing good my first year to survive but it still caught up with me. Granted there were some additional issues during the 3 years, but it all caught up with me.

PRNDL found a way to deal with the attacks. Good ideas. I will add go for walks outside daily. The anxiety medicine can help when you need it. Maybe go see your doctor for one that doesn't stay in your system so long to make you drowsy the next day.Just helps for the time these symptoms come up. But, getting away from the source will tell you the truth.

Don't want to scare you Deena, but please take care of yourself. You absolutely deserve it.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:11 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

deena posted 1/6/2014 09:14 AM

Thank you too "thinkingtoomuch"

I do know I have to get out of this marriage. I do know I may be a little scared of that final push out, but I have come to realize that I can't stay anymore.
Stress was very bad for me right after dday. But I thought I had gotten stronger. That's why these panicky feelings are confusing right now.

Edited to add
I actually just thought it was because I have been thinking too much since anniv of dday in Dec, that it brought on these feelings. It brought a smile when I saw you user name.

[This message edited by deena at 9:17 AM, January 6th (Monday)]