I never know whether to post in divorce or new beginnings so if this belongs in divorce mods feel free to move it.
Sorry for the very long ramblings. I need to get my thoughts out.
There's a lot of good and still a lot to achieve. I admit I want to be further along than I am. I had hoped this date wouldn't trigger me anymore. It's definitely milder than last year but still...
As part of trying to see how far I've come I have been reading things I wrote back then and through the past two years (my own journal not here on SI) and then it's easy to see the progress but I also see how blind I was. How much I tolerated. Can clearly see all the stages I went through right up to acceptance. It's both frustrating and liberating to read. I have accepted that my childhood "friend" was never a friend and is indeed a monster. Still knowing that does not change the damage that was done to me. I no longer miss him or hold delusions of what our 20 years of friendship, relationship and marriage was. No longer see good in him. I see his whole ugly self.
I am still very young. (29) We were married for a short time (just under 4 years) but we had A LOT of history. (Grew up together) I thought I knew him better than anyone. I thought I was being wise to marry a lifelong friend. Who else could you ever know or trust so well? Hmpf! Joke was on me! I don't need to go into that I'm sure everyone here knows the level of manipulation and deceit from a NPD fucknut. He's diagnosed NPD and sex addict but I strongly (as well as my psychologist) suspect he's a sociopath. And I don't say that lightly.
There's still so much work left for me however. People are sick of it though and feel I should just move on and date and whatever else. The fact is up until recently I was in survival mode. I was just surviving, not yet able to heal, just survive! I was in my final trimester on dday so I needed to look after myself (pregnancy was extremely valuable to me - all pregnancies are of course. I went through excruciating infertility treatments to conceive my son and I was not about to let my xwh take that away from me) and then my newborn son ended up in NICU (due to bacteria I contracted from wxh and thus my son too) Both of is are healthy now but it was excruciating to see him in NICU. I couldn't even hold him for days. His first days of life was spent in a machine due to my xwh. However I focused on my son and getting him healthy. Spent every second I was allowed next to his bed and pumped milk constantly so I could give him something from me. He came home and then my focus was on raising him and caring for him and at the time I thought best for him would be to have an intact home. So I went to MC and IC and tried to reconcile with xwh. Despite lies continuing to trickle through. Numerous ddays and pain. I kept believing I was putting my son first. I have a bad relationship with my dad and I so wanted my son to have a good one with his. It took time for me to accept I chose an awful awful dad for my son. I still don't forgive myself for that. Especially after the newest info about him (he has pedophile tendencies. Only found out recently. Did not know it while we were still living together in in-house separation) anyway point is I was surviving and trying to do the "right things" but I was in essence clueless to the very real dangers my xwh posed.
I spent a lot of time working through the feelings and loss of my "friend". A lot, a lot of ddays. A lot of lies. A lot of scary crap. I know I still don't know it all. I was obsessed with getting the details for so long because I think I needed it to accept who he was. In the end I got there and I left. Best decision ever!! Yet now I have the remnants of myself to deal with. I have dealt with the betrayal the loss of friend, the divorce. Now I need to forgive myself (for falling for him, for choosing such a dad for my son, for taking so long to leave, you name it I am hard on myself about it) I need to somehow put a self esteem together because I have no self worth. Logically I know certain things but emotionally I feel worthless. I've never had a good self esteem but this has knocked me badly. Again I'm sure everyone can relate.
I was in survival mode for so long. Suppressed feelings for so long. To take care of my son, to help xwh to help the marriage. Now my son is getting more independent, we are safe, we have a new home and new beginning and I am starting to have some free time for first time in 2 years and so it's all catching up. I have held my head high, I have made the difficult decisions, I kept going but boy do I feel OLD (I know I'm not in years but I feel so very old in my soul) and weary and worn out. I am so fucking exhausted and there's still so much shit to sort out. I am not depressed or beaten. Just tired. Exhausted. I am taking all the steps. One day at a time. It just feels never ending sometimes. It's worth it. For sure and I am determined to show my son one can overcome and to give him a good life despite the dad he has. I am however just one person and sometimes the obstacles feel too big for me. I want the best for my son. I want the best for myself but I can't do it all. I am seeking help as much as I can. My parents are helping out financially. I am seeing an IC twice a week. I'm taking all the right steps. Time. It takes so much time though.
The unfairness of it all still hits me on the low triggery days such as today. To have to live so many consequences of someone else's choices and actions while they go on basically not changed or effected by it at all. Still the awesome fucking hero and poor victim in society's eye. As long as his focus is off of me and my son I don't give a fuck about him but I do struggle with the unfairness of it still. Of him basically having no consequences really whereas my life was ripped to pieces. He is living it up while I am painstakingly putting pieces together. While I sit with all the responsibility of everything, of raising our son well, of minimizing the damage done to our son. I don't want to share responsibility of our son with him don't get me wrong! But it is so scary that I am the only one for my son. If I fuck up there's no back up or partner to pick up the slack. I need to do it all right. I can't let him down too. It shouldn't matter what people think but it is exhausting to continuously hear how you should forgive or how evil you are to not give xwh another chance or how it was your fault. I have learned to stand up for myself more but fact is no one believes me or will believe me because who xwh is is so unbelievable. Working on it not bothering me anymore.
My greatest fear is of losing my son too. Of my xwh taking him from me too. My xwh is a pedophile (psychologist doesn't think he's acted on it yet but he does have the fantasies. Even though he hasn't acted on it it is scary. He has done many other horrible things too though - date raped women. Got them drunk to have sex. Bestiality. Horrible horrible things that I didn't know. Only found out after I already decided to divorce. Close to it being final and other things only after the divorce. He hasn't been convicted with anything. He got away with it all.) and although I have all the protection I can have. Supervised visitation. Full legal custody. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared my son will have a need to know his dad and I won't be able to stop it. I'm scared that my son will fall for my xwh charms because he can come across so wonderful. I'm scared xwh will poison my son against me. I'm scared xwh will go to the courts and get better visitation. I'm scared of losing my son someday to that monster because he has taken everything else. I hate being so afraid but it's not unrealistic fears. It's my xwh I'm talking about. He is capable of anything. I still need to figure out how I'll tell my son of his dad without him feeling I am bad mouthing his dad or trying to alienate him, I am protecting him. I don't want him to resent me for it. I know from my own experience how long I clung on to hope of a relationship with my own dad and my dad isn't close to the psychologist my xwh is. I don't want that for my son. I'll never forgive myself for choosing his father so badly.
After all that venting... I also have a lot counting for me. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to let it out though, you know? I have rarely allowed myself and have rarely been allowed by others to break down. Usually I do it on here. Always strong and doing the "right" things in life. Expect impossible standards from myself which I know is wrong. I just want to be better and other times I just so badly want acknowledgement of my trauma. A break. Not to be pushed to be better or past it or happy or whatever. Just to be allowed to sit and mourn this fucking awful horrible trauma(s) that occurred. So much was taken from me, from my son. So so much. It has been hell. Excruciating hell. The future is unclear. I still don't know how I am going to financially support us without my parents help. For now I am being helped by my family which I appreciate so much. Eternally grateful. Although I just feel so much pressure to work it all out NOW! To not be a burden. To get over this. I'm over xwh. I'm not over the damage. It takes time and people don't get that. They think I'm bitter or jaded if I'm still mourning or upset or hurt or scared or emotional in anything other than being happy. This shit is still raw. Yes I am so much better off. That doesn't change the fact that damage was done. Somehow people think because you're better off without your xwh that you should miraculously be happy and fixed and over it all. Being over him and being better off without him doesn't take away all the carnage that was left in his wake. I shouldn't care what people think but die to my self worth issues it does make me question myself. Logically I know all these things and that I am taking the right step but emotionally I feel like such a failure and let down. Being bombarded by people of what I should be doing or where I should be just makes it harder for myself because I am already so hard on myself I don't need it from everyone else. Give me a break would ya?
I also feel failure for not being further along. I don't know it's been a triggery month. That last December before dday was awful. Ugh I sound so pathetic. I am really much further along on this journey than I am sounding. These are the issues I still need to deal with. Many I have conquered. I guess that's my point. It's exhausting that as soon as you conquer one thing, a million other things still remain.
BUT I am doing it. I am not depressed. I have a lot of anxiety and fear yes but I am working on them. I am so much further than I was 2 years ago. My eyes are open. I do have happy days and many many happy moments with my son. I would not have survived this if it wasn't for his awesome smile and zest for life. It's contagious. I am hopeful for the future too. I have so much counting for me now and I guess that is why I am frustrated that I am not further along emotionally than I think I should be. However I shouldn't lose sight of how much I have gained and learned and healed. Just because there's more to do doesn't take away the achievements thus far. My son is flourishing. A happy and healthy toddler. We're safe in our own little place in a new city. I have started running again (an old love that I had to give up while busy with infertility treatments) I am seeing an IC. I detached from a monster. I am building my self esteem slowly. I am managing as a single parent which I never thought I could do it all alone - I am. I am doing it. It's very hard some days but I am doing it and most days I love it and I'm content. I know I have come far already. I am not discouraged. I'm just triggery.
Thanks for those who took the time to read this through. Sorry for all the rambling and moaning. I needed to get it all out. Hopefully next year this time I won't trigger as much anymore.