SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cannibal posted 1/6/2014 05:41 AM

How does anyone get any help on here?
I get on here to try and look for answers. I see betrayal after betrayal. I feel despair. At first I got some real help reading through the faqs and other things in the healing library. I felt like I kinda understood.
Now I find myself stuck reviewing the past, wondering if I have been told the truth. There are no real records but cellphone records. They show very few calls around the time she says it was happening. I looked a year before and there were a few calls around Christmas time and early January. I asked her about them she said she was working under him then. She worked retail and Christmas time always was busy. There are no financial records. We kept our finances separate and she used a check card issued by her job. She hasn't worked there in 7 months and was fired for reasons unrelated to the A. We no longer have a copy of her check card. Is there anyway to get records? Has anyone else dealt with this issue?
This whole thing has zapped the passion from me. I want it back! In the past I've been able to rugsweep. After reading here I find I can't do that again. That maybe in doing that we never addressed the issues that cause her to act out like that. That if she is truly remorseful, she will tell me the truth. How do you trust without proof? Blind faith hasn't done me any good in the past. I want the relationship I thought I had. I don't know what I really had. I having trouble finding a reason to see this through. She is currently doing everything I can expect for her to do looking for a job, taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning. She isn't IC nor am I. We haven't done MC yet either. We don't have insurance. We aren't involved in church.
We just finished "not just friends". Anyone have any suggestions for a book to follow that one?
I'm thinking about getting "After the Affair" any thoughts?

steadfast1973 posted 1/6/2014 05:58 AM

One of the hardest parts is realizing that the relationship you thought you had wasn't real. Or, at least what you thought you had. And proof is something we rarely get. I call what I have Educated Faith. I know what he's capable of... Both good and bad. I check every thing. His phone, his computer, his coat and pants pockets. And after 2 ddays, I may never stop doing that. I take every morning the hope that I will get the good, but knowing that the bad is a real possibility... And the knowledge of what I am willing to accept. We have set clear boundaries, and I have some very real deal breakers. That's really all you can do. You can't control her behavior, but you can control your own reactions to her behavior by giving her clear consequences to her actions. And sticking by them.

steadfast1973 posted 1/6/2014 05:58 AM

Sorry... Duplicate post from my ipad, again...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:59 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

cantaccept posted 1/6/2014 06:30 AM

Two books that really helped me. Nothing would help wh but these helped me.

I think they would be useful for the two of you if your spouse if remorseful.

How Can I Forgive You, by Janice Springs. She also wrote After the Affair, which was really good too.

Living and Loving After Betrayal, by Steven Stosny. I found that very helpful for regaining a sense of me, of fighting off those feelings of pain in myself.

There is also a very good section at the end for reconciliation with your betrayer. It seemed to really help clarify what is needed. It gives you questions for yourself to help determine what will help you.

(((cannibal)))

hardtimesinlife posted 1/6/2014 10:03 AM

You seem to be very agitated. That is normal. Your mind probably is jumping from one thing to the next and not finding proof is making you feel crazy. Again, very normal.

Try to breathe. Eat well and drink more water than you think you need. Do something physical - walk, run, pushups. Make your body work and nourish it. Try to get enough sleep. These are things that will help your mind quiet down and you will then be able to process things.

Keep reading and posting. Almost everyone here has gone through that horrible time where we need the information but our ws isn't being honest. The answers almost always come to you in time. You will be OK. It gets better with time. Hugs.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/6/2014 10:17 AM

I would highly suggest a polygraph test.

If she's really telling the truth like she claims to be, she'll be happy to once and for all PROVE to you that she's been honest and up front with you.

...right?

If she fights you tooth and nail and tells you she refuses to take one, then you'll pretty much confirm that your gut - which is SCREAMING to you - is right on target.

Never ignore your gut when it's screaming to you, Cannibal. There's a reason for it.

cannibal posted 1/8/2014 23:23 PM

Thanks for the recommendation on the books. Neveragain I don't know about the polygraph test. I'm afraid that it might give me false positives or negatives. I looked into them a few months ago and really entertained the idea, but gave up on it. Did you do the polygraph on your husband?

headdesk posted 1/9/2014 00:54 AM

I didn't poly my WH, but only because there wasn't one within any reasonable driving distance.

However I've read quite a lot on here about the 'morning of the test' or 'in the parking lot before you go in' confessions that poly tests bring. That's before you even set foot in there - the WS tends to spill more on their own, because they realize they won't be able to hide it.

shatteredapart posted 1/9/2014 05:12 AM

I would recommend How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. I've read it and I asked my husband to read it. He just started it and I hope he will commit to reading the whole book. He hates reading but it's short and very insightful into what the BS is going through. I've read Not Just Friends and om hoping to reread it with him in the near future.

solus sto posted 1/9/2014 07:53 AM

I did NOT like After the Affair. While it has some good things to say, there's too much emphasis on the BS taking responsibility for his/her part in the affair. In reality, the BS has NO part in the affair. SOMETIMES, s/he is responsible for some (or even the bulk of) of the problems within the marriage. (You will see, a lot, the statement that each partner is responsible for 50% of the problems. This is not true. We are each 100% responsible for ourselves. The problems in a marriage can be, and sometimes are, solidly on one partner's shoulders or another's. More often, both have some responsibility---but rarely is there a 50-50 breakdown. But we ALL are 100% responsible for our own actions.)

Anyway, bookwise, the one that was most helpful to me (and to my stbx---probably because it's entirely about oneself and not marriage or infidelity) is Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

Great book.

I also like McDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal from the Affair (the title of which I may have gotten wrong)--though my stbx never read it.

Oddly, another book that was really helpful to me was He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. It helped me see that I was in a very unbalanced relationship, in terms of investment. This book, actually, helped me make the decision to separate after being together for over 30 years. Yes, it took me THAT long to realize that the relationship I thought I had (or had invented in my mind) really never existed. This is not a rewrite of marital history---my husband's actions throughout the marriage really back it up.

As for trust, etc--well. Sometimes that comes, and sometimes it doesn't. It is totally dependent on having a trustworthy WS. If she is remorseful and transparent and doing what needs to be done to successfully reconcile, trust will slowly return. But not without proof. (That's where the transparency and communication come in.)

You say you want the marriage you had. You can't have it. But you can build a new marriage, from scratch, that is strong and healthy. I wasn't able to, because my spouse was not able or willing to put in the work. But I know people who have, quite successfully.

I'm very sorry for your pain.

sisoon posted 1/9/2014 17:42 PM

I'm really sorry you're struggling. It's not fair. What you're experiencing could be normal, and healing requires you to experience it. But some of the things you write indicate you might be making it harder on yourself than it needs to be.

I read your profile. It's amazingly well done, but I have a really hard time with poetry. I also read a previous post. I don't think I understand your sitch fully, so these comments may be way off.

Is she still using? I still think you can't R with an addict who's using. She's not a candidate for R unless she stops. If she's using, you must detach from her, IMO.

I also think you can't R with someone who won't be honest with you. Is she being honest? Is she stonewalling or TTing you?

You say you intensified your spying just after you got engaged. Why get engaged if you were afraid she was effed up?

How about you? You mention 'slight' addiction, but that could be in your way.

I read you to say that you do things to effect changes in her. That implies you think you can control her. You can't. You can control yourself at best. She's a free agent. Have you looked at Codependence No More or similar resources?

You can't have the relationship you thought you had unless you know what that is AND unless you're both willing to build that. What do you really want?

Gently, I think your best bet is to work on yourself and detach from her. If she also works on herself successfully, you can get back together in the future, but what you've written says to me that now isn't the time.

Have you looked into ACA and insurance through the Exchange - it may be difficult to do, but it can help.

A lot of churches serve non-members. Have you asked for help, either from a church or from someone they refer you to?

cannibal posted 1/10/2014 02:42 AM

Thanks for the continued responces. After careful consideration I have decided not to get After the Affair. I downloaded a sample of it and I have to agree with what solus sto had said about the book. As for the other recomendations I am downloading samples and reading them one by one in order to figure what my next endeavor will be. So far I have not found one that I'm real excited about. I've seen How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair recomended several times. I'm just wondering if it is any different than "Things That Every WS Needs To Know" found here on the site. I did give her a copy of this and although I never read through it nor really had much discussion about it. I do believe she has read through it.

cannibal posted 1/10/2014 04:23 AM

sisoon,
I just looked through my older posts and realized you were the one who posted about the "drama triangle". I tried to understand what that was about and to be honest I got lost. To answer your question about weather she is still using. I can say with complete confidence that she has not. She hasn''t been attending any kinda 12 step program either. She does read from time in her NA book.
As far as my addiction problems go I do smoke pot on occasion and usually with her. I also drink on occasion and only with her. My life keeps me really busy and I only partake in such activities 2 or 3 times a month. I know they say an addict must walk the straight and narrow in order to stay clean and by that rational she hasn''t stayed clean. She hasn''t used any prescription pain killers or anything from that class of narcotics. I personally do not see myself as an addict. I have kept the same two jobs for 15 years. I have completed a two year degree. My usage has never came into conflict with my life, jobs, and I have never stolen anything in order to support my habit.
As for her honesty I can say with pretty much certainty that she has been truthful to me about current events. My question about her honesty is when it comes to the A and other things going on before that that she hid from me. The lying and stealing began in 08 and has been off and on most of our relationship. You are right I would probably be better off without her and I probably have codependacy issues I''m not addressing. I don''t leave because I care for her deeply. I also care for her son, my pseudo step son, who I''ve helped raise, taken care of, and been one of the positive role models in his life. I don''t feel either one of them would be better off without me in their lives. I know I shouldn''t live my life for others, but I always have.
I have never mentioned it on here anywhere, but I also have two Autistic sisters who I''ve helped take care of since my high school years. I have to stick to a pretty strict schedule with them not to throw thier world off balance. They both have pretty severe cases. One will probably never be able to function on her own. I''m going to look into these church programs and try a little harder to get Obama care. As I''ve seen others post there just doesn''t seem to be enough hours in the day to achieve all that needs to be done. It was hard before dealing with the A and even harder now.

[This message edited by cannibal at 4:26 AM, January 10th, 2014 (Friday)]

cannibal posted 1/11/2014 05:35 AM

Talked to SO today and she has agreed to a polygraph. I called a local polygraph expert and they said it would be $380 and would take between 2 & 3 hours just depending on the amount of question I want answered. I haven't set a date yet, but I plan to in the near future.