[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:59 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
I think they would be useful for the two of you if your spouse if remorseful.
How Can I Forgive You, by Janice Springs. She also wrote After the Affair, which was really good too.
Living and Loving After Betrayal, by Steven Stosny. I found that very helpful for regaining a sense of me, of fighting off those feelings of pain in myself.
There is also a very good section at the end for reconciliation with your betrayer. It seemed to really help clarify what is needed. It gives you questions for yourself to help determine what will help you.
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie
Try to breathe. Eat well and drink more water than you think you need. Do something physical - walk, run, pushups. Make your body work and nourish it. Try to get enough sleep. These are things that will help your mind quiet down and you will then be able to process things.
Keep reading and posting. Almost everyone here has gone through that horrible time where we need the information but our ws isn't being honest. The answers almost always come to you in time. You will be OK. It gets better with time. Hugs.
If she's really telling the truth like she claims to be, she'll be happy to once and for all PROVE to you that she's been honest and up front with you.
If she fights you tooth and nail and tells you she refuses to take one, then you'll pretty much confirm that your gut - which is SCREAMING to you - is right on target.
Never ignore your gut when it's screaming to you, Cannibal. There's a reason for it.
However I've read quite a lot on here about the 'morning of the test' or 'in the parking lot before you go in' confessions that poly tests bring. That's before you even set foot in there - the WS tends to spill more on their own, because they realize they won't be able to hide it.
Anyway, bookwise, the one that was most helpful to me (and to my stbx---probably because it's entirely about oneself and not marriage or infidelity) is Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.
I also like McDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal from the Affair (the title of which I may have gotten wrong)--though my stbx never read it.
Oddly, another book that was really helpful to me was He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. It helped me see that I was in a very unbalanced relationship, in terms of investment. This book, actually, helped me make the decision to separate after being together for over 30 years. Yes, it took me THAT long to realize that the relationship I thought I had (or had invented in my mind) really never existed. This is not a rewrite of marital history---my husband's actions throughout the marriage really back it up.
As for trust, etc--well. Sometimes that comes, and sometimes it doesn't. It is totally dependent on having a trustworthy WS. If she is remorseful and transparent and doing what needs to be done to successfully reconcile, trust will slowly return. But not without proof. (That's where the transparency and communication come in.)
You say you want the marriage you had. You can't have it. But you can build a new marriage, from scratch, that is strong and healthy. I wasn't able to, because my spouse was not able or willing to put in the work. But I know people who have, quite successfully.
I'm very sorry for your pain.
I read your profile. It's amazingly well done, but I have a really hard time with poetry. I also read a previous post. I don't think I understand your sitch fully, so these comments may be way off.
Is she still using? I still think you can't R with an addict who's using. She's not a candidate for R unless she stops. If she's using, you must detach from her, IMO.
I also think you can't R with someone who won't be honest with you. Is she being honest? Is she stonewalling or TTing you?
You say you intensified your spying just after you got engaged. Why get engaged if you were afraid she was effed up?
How about you? You mention 'slight' addiction, but that could be in your way.
I read you to say that you do things to effect changes in her. That implies you think you can control her. You can't. You can control yourself at best. She's a free agent. Have you looked at Codependence No More or similar resources?
You can't have the relationship you thought you had unless you know what that is AND unless you're both willing to build that. What do you really want?
Gently, I think your best bet is to work on yourself and detach from her. If she also works on herself successfully, you can get back together in the future, but what you've written says to me that now isn't the time.
Have you looked into ACA and insurance through the Exchange - it may be difficult to do, but it can help.
A lot of churches serve non-members. Have you asked for help, either from a church or from someone they refer you to?
[This message edited by cannibal at 4:26 AM, January 10th, 2014 (Friday)]