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ConfusednAfraid posted 1/6/2014 07:03 AM

I'm trying to get opinions from various forums, so I hope you guys/gals will indulge me. I'd like to especially hear from the ladies.

We are in our mid 40's with no kids.
We are Green Card holders in the US. She was posted from our native country to the US for work and I quit my job to accompany her here.

My wife has given up on me and our marriage. She says after years of my neglect, not enough attention and disappointment etc. she wants to move out in Spring/Summer (to get her freedom back) and then file for a divorce. As far as I can tell, she has already decided I'm no longer her husband.

I've just found out (and she confirmed) that she has been having a EA (she says no sex yet)with a married man for almost a year now. (Whose marriage is also supposed to be on the rocks) She said that she didn't intentionally seek an EA, but she allowed their friendship to blossom because she had already considered our marriage dead and so this was ok by her.(Rationalizing Hamster) She says the only reason she continued to stay with me in our house is because I have been down on my luck and unemployed. She says she wanted to stay and support me until I could support myself and regain confidence again. However, now that I know about the EA, she has said that it would be better that she move into the spare room (we used to sleep on the same bed) I would forgive her is she stopped the A, but she is adamant about separation/divorce and still texts the OM everyday and may even see him before she comes home (no proof). She has mentioned that when they do secretly meet up, she confides in him about our problems and he gives her a "Shoulder to cry on" and support etc. I've know that they've already kissed/hugged and my wife SAYS she is avoiding sex with the OM until our divorce goes through. Although, I suspect once she moves out it won't be long that it happens.

I now realize that nothing I say or can do will ever convince her to stay, so I'm facing the fact that I will have to let her move out and hope the separation might do us some good.

I've advised to try to out the guy to his wife, but unfortunately I don't know who the OM is, my W and I have separate cell accounts, don't have his number nor can I think how to get his wife's number.

Thank you

Brandon808 posted 1/6/2014 07:29 AM

Find a lawyer and determine what your rights are in the situation. In fact consult a few. Find some who have experience with both divorce and your Green Card holder status if possible.

Go into stealth mode and find OM's name. Regardless of whether it will sway your WW's mind about the divorce his BW deserves to know.

Unfortunately this sounds like a classic exit-A. She is justifying the A by telling herself she was already "emotionally divorced" from you. Anything you do with the agenda of trying to convince to reconcile has little chance of working because you are not competing with OM as much as trying to overcome her foggy thinking. She will continue rewrite the marital history to justify her actions to herself. For example: you quit your job to move with her yet you are "down on your luck" by being unemployed?

Protect yourself and take care of yourself.

Bigger posted 1/6/2014 11:36 AM

So you came to the USA because of her job.
IF this ends in divorce do you plan on remaining in the US or do you plan on returning to your native country?
Are you still unemployed? Do you have any way of supporting yourself if this ends in separation/divorce?
Did you leave a job to travel with your wife?

I definitely second the recommendation to seek legal advice. This does sound a lot like an exit affair and experience tells us that once a woman is determined to leave they tend to leave. However… the answers to the above will impact what I would recommend you do as next steps. For example: if you made financial sacrifices to allow her to develop her career then chances are she needs to pay support for some time. If nothing else then this might help you in establishing a new life.

Definitely let the OMW know. I am positive that if there is a will there is a way to establish who he is. It’s a major step to take from demanding divorce and actually filing. Many a WS has demanded D but bailed when it comes to the actual process. The suggestion of separate rooms, cohabiting and all that are typical “I want my affair but you can hang around” responses.

Ps: When does an affair stop being EA and becomes physical? Isn’t hugging and getting physical relief “physical”? IMHO the emphasis on direct sex as a defining factor in infidelity is overrated. Your WW is in an affair, plain and simple.

ConfusednAfraid posted 1/6/2014 13:15 PM

I plan to stay and rebuild my life here.

We've talked about spousal support and to my surprise she said she'd be willing for perhaps a year maybe two. If we actually D, then it will become alimony. She is better educated and currently holds a pretty good job.

She is the one who rationalizes that an EA is not really a full-on affair (So it is ok). However, I think otherwise, but I kept it to myself and it would have been easier to raise the dead than convince her otherwise.

CATransplant posted 1/6/2014 14:05 PM

ConfusednAfraid, I must agree with the others. You need to talk to an Attorney to see how to proceed. I am sorry that you are having to deal with such things. Take care of yourself and move slowly.

ConfusednAfraid posted 1/6/2014 22:25 PM

Thanks for the insight guys!

ConfusednAfraid posted 1/13/2014 07:43 AM

Okay, I found out who the SOB is and I now how he met my W.

I'm still weighing the merits of calling him directly and giving him a piece of my mind or try to 'out' him by sending his family (wife & son) a letter saying what I need to say and photo evidence of what he has done. I've been favoring the latter because that will bust his little secret, put some scrutinizing eyes on him and make it harder to meet my W. It may not end the A right away, but why should they have it easy, right?

If he still doesn't end the A, should I start posting reviews on Yelp, Angies list etc. telling on what he did? His business let him come into contact with many housewives when their H are not around, so these reviews may actually have some impact. What say you guys?

SisterMilkshake posted 1/13/2014 08:01 AM

Definitely out OM to his BW. Do not involve the son.

As far as contacting him, don't until you have notified his BW and then if you still feel you must give him a piece of your mind, go ahead.

Be very careful about posting reviews on Angies' list and stick only to facts that can be proven.

Brandon808 posted 1/13/2014 08:12 AM

SisterMilkshake is absolutely right. If you do anything with the intention of hurting his business then you better have documentation to back it up. Make that irrefutable documentation which means if your WW pops up to defend him (and she likely will) can she lie about whatever evidence you have to make it seem like nothing is going on?

Out the OM to his BW. Please remember when you do so to be firm, calm and gentle. You know what it was like for you to find out. She is about to have her world turned upside down. Just the facts. Do not be surprised if she lashes and reacts with anger and denial. That is also the reason you should have your documentation ready to show her. Be careful in what you say and show her. It is not at all uncommon for the OM's BW to still protect the OM and warn them. Just because she is the other BS in this scenario does not make her your ally.

ConfusednAfraid posted 1/13/2014 08:14 AM

The problem is that I know the son's name and address, but I'm not sure of his W name. This POSOM may stay at his son's place, but I'm not sure where his W is. They could be living separately or not. I have another residential address aside from his son's, but I'm not sure if his W is staying there. The only way I can be sure that she get's it would be to mail the 'info packet' to both addresses.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/13/2014 08:19 AM

Oh, I see, Confused. There is a way that mail can be sent that one must show identification to receive the mail. If the mail is sent to both addresses to the wife only she will have to show id and will be sure to get it. But, the son will know something is up anyway. I guess the son will have to be involved.

doggiediva posted 1/13/2014 08:19 AM

I am wondering why your WW considers your marriage dead?

Other than moving, what massive changes have you guys encountered?

You say that your WW told you that she didn't get enough attention from you..Was this discussed prior to A..

Did she do her part to attend to you to make you feel loved and special?..

What she is doing is classic blame shifting..

I got the same excuse from my WH for his A behavior.. In reality I was the partner who was neglected..

I was the one who was being taken for granted..

My WH planned no "us only" getaways, years would go by between my receiving a dozen roses or a nice note (just because) from him..

In fact I frequently got the feeling that my WH would rather be doing stuff with anybody else anywhere else, but not with me..KWIM?

Considering the M dead is no justification for your WW to reach out and have an EA and or PA with another..

People who act this way are too chicken and too lazy to rock the boat and upset their lives to be honest with spouses or partners..

They would rather explore NSA (to see if it is all that) with the security of family still there in case A doesn't work out..

It may be possible to keep the son out of the loop when outing the A..

You might be able to find a way to mail your packet to the area where they live, leaving instructions for the BW to come, show her ID, and PICK-UP the package from the post office, UPS, Fed EX, etc..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:50 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

ConfusednAfraid posted 1/13/2014 14:10 PM

@ddiva,

After much reading, I've concluded that a lot of our troubles was down to different expectations and communication styles. Our families couldn't be more different from each other and we've been applying the standards of each family onto our own and expecting each spouse to understand, which of course, has led to many miscommunications and problems.

She is convinced she did and I'm real easy going, so I not very hard to please. She on the other hand needs lots of emotional encouragement and affirmation which she say she didn't get enough from me.

And yes, she is a super blame shifter and a extremely good at twisting my arguments/points so that I'm always the bad guy.