We are in our mid 40's with no kids. We are Green Card holders in the US. She was posted from our native country to the US for work and I quit my job to accompany her here.
My wife has given up on me and our marriage. She says after years of my neglect, not enough attention and disappointment etc. she wants to move out in Spring/Summer (to get her freedom back) and then file for a divorce. As far as I can tell, she has already decided I'm no longer her husband.
I've just found out (and she confirmed) that she has been having a EA (she says no sex yet)with a married man for almost a year now. (Whose marriage is also supposed to be on the rocks) She said that she didn't intentionally seek an EA, but she allowed their friendship to blossom because she had already considered our marriage dead and so this was ok by her.(Rationalizing Hamster) She says the only reason she continued to stay with me in our house is because I have been down on my luck and unemployed. She says she wanted to stay and support me until I could support myself and regain confidence again. However, now that I know about the EA, she has said that it would be better that she move into the spare room (we used to sleep on the same bed) I would forgive her is she stopped the A, but she is adamant about separation/divorce and still texts the OM everyday and may even see him before she comes home (no proof). She has mentioned that when they do secretly meet up, she confides in him about our problems and he gives her a "Shoulder to cry on" and support etc. I've know that they've already kissed/hugged and my wife SAYS she is avoiding sex with the OM until our divorce goes through. Although, I suspect once she moves out it won't be long that it happens.
I now realize that nothing I say or can do will ever convince her to stay, so I'm facing the fact that I will have to let her move out and hope the separation might do us some good.
I've advised to try to out the guy to his wife, but unfortunately I don't know who the OM is, my W and I have separate cell accounts, don't have his number nor can I think how to get his wife's number.
Thank you
Go into stealth mode and find OM's name. Regardless of whether it will sway your WW's mind about the divorce his BW deserves to know.
Unfortunately this sounds like a classic exit-A. She is justifying the A by telling herself she was already "emotionally divorced" from you. Anything you do with the agenda of trying to convince to reconcile has little chance of working because you are not competing with OM as much as trying to overcome her foggy thinking. She will continue rewrite the marital history to justify her actions to herself. For example: you quit your job to move with her yet you are "down on your luck" by being unemployed?
Protect yourself and take care of yourself.
I definitely second the recommendation to seek legal advice. This does sound a lot like an exit affair and experience tells us that once a woman is determined to leave they tend to leave. However… the answers to the above will impact what I would recommend you do as next steps. For example: if you made financial sacrifices to allow her to develop her career then chances are she needs to pay support for some time. If nothing else then this might help you in establishing a new life.
Definitely let the OMW know. I am positive that if there is a will there is a way to establish who he is. It’s a major step to take from demanding divorce and actually filing. Many a WS has demanded D but bailed when it comes to the actual process. The suggestion of separate rooms, cohabiting and all that are typical “I want my affair but you can hang around” responses.
Ps: When does an affair stop being EA and becomes physical? Isn’t hugging and getting physical relief “physical”? IMHO the emphasis on direct sex as a defining factor in infidelity is overrated. Your WW is in an affair, plain and simple.
We've talked about spousal support and to my surprise she said she'd be willing for perhaps a year maybe two. If we actually D, then it will become alimony. She is better educated and currently holds a pretty good job.
She is the one who rationalizes that an EA is not really a full-on affair (So it is ok). However, I think otherwise, but I kept it to myself and it would have been easier to raise the dead than convince her otherwise.
I'm still weighing the merits of calling him directly and giving him a piece of my mind or try to 'out' him by sending his family (wife & son) a letter saying what I need to say and photo evidence of what he has done. I've been favoring the latter because that will bust his little secret, put some scrutinizing eyes on him and make it harder to meet my W. It may not end the A right away, but why should they have it easy, right?
If he still doesn't end the A, should I start posting reviews on Yelp, Angies list etc. telling on what he did? His business let him come into contact with many housewives when their H are not around, so these reviews may actually have some impact. What say you guys?
As far as contacting him, don't until you have notified his BW and then if you still feel you must give him a piece of your mind, go ahead.
Be very careful about posting reviews on Angies' list and stick only to facts that can be proven.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Out the OM to his BW. Please remember when you do so to be firm, calm and gentle. You know what it was like for you to find out. She is about to have her world turned upside down. Just the facts. Do not be surprised if she lashes and reacts with anger and denial. That is also the reason you should have your documentation ready to show her. Be careful in what you say and show her. It is not at all uncommon for the OM's BW to still protect the OM and warn them. Just because she is the other BS in this scenario does not make her your ally.
Other than moving, what massive changes have you guys encountered?
You say that your WW told you that she didn't get enough attention from you..Was this discussed prior to A..
Did she do her part to attend to you to make you feel loved and special?..
What she is doing is classic blame shifting..
I got the same excuse from my WH for his A behavior.. In reality I was the partner who was neglected..
I was the one who was being taken for granted..
My WH planned no "us only" getaways, years would go by between my receiving a dozen roses or a nice note (just because) from him..
In fact I frequently got the feeling that my WH would rather be doing stuff with anybody else anywhere else, but not with me..KWIM?
Considering the M dead is no justification for your WW to reach out and have an EA and or PA with another..
People who act this way are too chicken and too lazy to rock the boat and upset their lives to be honest with spouses or partners..
They would rather explore NSA (to see if it is all that) with the security of family still there in case A doesn't work out.. It may be possible to keep the son out of the loop when outing the A..
You might be able to find a way to mail your packet to the area where they live, leaving instructions for the BW to come, show her ID, and PICK-UP the package from the post office, UPS, Fed EX, etc..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:50 AM, January 13th (Monday)]
After much reading, I've concluded that a lot of our troubles was down to different expectations and communication styles. Our families couldn't be more different from each other and we've been applying the standards of each family onto our own and expecting each spouse to understand, which of course, has led to many miscommunications and problems.
She is convinced she did and I'm real easy going, so I not very hard to please. She on the other hand needs lots of emotional encouragement and affirmation which she say she didn't get enough from me.
And yes, she is a super blame shifter and a extremely good at twisting my arguments/points so that I'm always the bad guy.
