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Gut was wrong, it was a PA

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turtle72 posted 1/6/2014 08:54 AM

Friday my gut stopped hurting when he gave the COW the No contact letter. I believed that it was an EA that had not yet turned PA and felt like he "got it" and with IC, MC and AA maybe we could make it over time.

We had a good family day Saturday. Sunday evening I ran out to get dinner, WH fell asleep watching the game. I checked his phone when I got home - he received an email from the COW right as I picked it up.

It was long. It didn't say they had sex but insinuated it. It catalogued "their walks", ILY's and phone calls. She asked him if what he said then was a lie or if what he said now was - that if he really loved me, wanted to be faithful to me and work on our marriage, then why was he not doing everything I asked. Why did he call her Tues and apologize for my behavior over the weekend? Why did he hand her the NC letter and say sorry, my wife made me do this? She went on to say that she held all the cards and would out everything to me if he stepped our of line.

He admitted they had sex 3x, twice at her apartment during lunch while I was pregnant and once at the office after hours, while I was home miscarrying. No condom. He said he doesn't recall saying he loved her but probably did. He admitted something new he did in bed with me the other day was something he picked up from her.

Speaking of picking something up from her - I had made an appointment for STD screening that he convinced me to cancel. Now I have to call in sick to work today and sit at my OB's office hoping for an opening because they are booked for two weeks. I will die if I am pregnant again.

He says he will do anything and everything to fix himself and fix us. He will quit his job, come to SI, do all the counseling we talked about. He said he thought doing things my way - telling me the truth when I cried and begged for it would lead to divorce. That being sincere about the NC would lead her to tell me. He didn't get it at all - self protection mode at my expense again.

I let him stay last night but told him I needed to leave today. He wants me to watch his actions to prove that he loves me, loves our family . What good will that do? I watched his actions like a hawk all week and was duped.

I know I shouldn't have because as doesn't matter but I forwarded the COWs email to her from my address and told her I knew it all, she had no secrets with my husband and I was more than happy to tell the bosses at their work about their after hours activities. That I didn't care if the both got fired or at least humiliated.

steadfast1973 posted 1/6/2014 09:05 AM

Give it some time, turtle72. Do you have any reason to believe you are pregnant again?

turtle72 posted 1/6/2014 09:14 AM

No, not a reason to believe I am pregnant, just timing and fear.

brokendancer7 posted 1/6/2014 09:18 AM

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. All of us here, I am sure, know the awful "kicked in the gut/hit in the head/run over by an 18-wheeler" feeling of learning more awful truth about the awful lies.

Take care of yourself!


Lola88 posted 1/6/2014 10:09 AM

So sorry for your pain Turtle, I understand how you feel and offer support and hugs.

I wouldn't hesitate to send the email on to their employer - if you have any intention of reconciling with him he should leave that job anyway. I would out her to everyone so other wives can be aware they have a slut in their midst!

Take good care of yourself, I hope you're not pregnant as you have enough to deal with Sending you positive thought and strength x

redrock posted 1/6/2014 14:10 PM

I am so sorry.

Why did he call her Tues and apologize for my behavior over the weekend?

Only he can answer that but there are many possibilities. He wanted to take the A underground. He wanted to make nice so and blame it all on you so that work stays comfortable. No conflict. Whatever it is-- it is and was for HIM. Not you and not the marriage.

Why did he hand her the NC letter and say sorry, my wife made me do this?

Again, many choices. Most likely to avoid conflict and maintain the relationship as friendly or more than that. Nag wife. Poor H. isn't that his MO?

He said he thought doing things my way - telling me the truth when I cried and begged for it would lead to divorce

So lying to you and maintaining contact was for what purpose... to keep the secret, the marriage, the job or the OW? Or all 4 if at all possible? His behavior is based in fear of losing the marriage alone? I don't doubt that he has fear but I also tend to think that his needs(to be liked, to have it easy at work or to maintain his ego kibble source or what ever it boils down to) comes first. In the face of what he put you(and others) through, he go to response is to lie and protect himself.

He wants me to watch his actions to prove that he loves me, loves our family .

In all honesty that is all that you can do. I would be clear with him on your conditions to R from this day forward and defend that vigorously. Sobriety. Transparency. Honesty. Remorse. IC, MC etc...

He has a lot of work to do. Is he really willing to do it? You will find out soon enough if he is ready to dig in. Or if He will just stay in his groove and repeat the pattern he has taken in the past.

Hang in there. Right now decide what you want in R and then turn the focus on you. Time for him to put his big boy pants on or find a new caretaker.

[This message edited by redrock at 2:11 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

CATransplant posted 1/6/2014 14:19 PM

So sorry that the truth comes so slowly. It causes the pain to linger and intensify. I hope that your WH learns fast just how much he can hurt you and chooses to come completely clean. I H and I are now in our 7th month and I know that there is still things he has not told me. He will wait until I have more than clues before he will confirm. He does this to protect himself from feeling like the biggest turd around. Well, I guess at times he should feel like one because of what his choices were. Again sorry you are here.

turtle72 posted 1/6/2014 15:14 PM

I agree that none of those things had anything to do with me except for keeping me in the dark. Since she was asking the questions I assume she wanted to know (or wanted me to know since she knew damn well I was monitoring) that they were about his "luv" for her. They were all for him, whatever his reasons, which I am sure are not singular.

I don't know if he can do the work for this. Does he want to? He says he does but I don't know if he can really. He hates psych talk for one. And he is NPD, I am sure of it. So it may be way below his comfort level. His analysis so far is that he is a selfish POS. Why exactly would that be enticing to me?

On the positive side he set up STD testing for himself, on his own today. He gave me the ID and password to track COW's phone if I want to - of course he could have turned around and told her to change it for all I know. But at the moment I have no intention of tracking her.

We have MC next Wednesday. It seems so far off.

Logistically I don't know how to move forward. Everyone says he needs consequences and I truly do not know what those would look like. I had asked him to go stay with his parents as a consequence for his lies - but is that really a consequence? I know he wants to be here, but if he goes there he gives me his laundry and kid lunch duty and gets meals cooked for him, his own room and an en suite bath. Maybe I should go there and leave him here instead! What does a consequence look like?

A friend emailed today giving her support either way, but voiced her opinion that he needs to go. As in forever. This part stuck out for me, "he carries a lot of baggage and you have been carrying it around for him for too long. Instead of appreciating you he has broken the one promise he made to you. The one promise you said if broken would be the end."

Ostrich80 posted 1/6/2014 16:43 PM

Ugh what a punch in the gut. I am so sorry you had to see that but now there is light shed on the dark. It concerns me that he said his wife made him give the NC...and an apology to her for you...not good. I can't imagine having to read that.

nowiknow23 posted 1/6/2014 16:55 PM

Oh, honey. I am so very sorry. This is another trauma that you'll need to process and work through before you can make any kind of decision about what to do next. But for now, focus on your self care. ((((turtle))))

redrock posted 1/7/2014 13:31 PM

Instead of appreciating you he has broken the one promise he made to you. The one promise you said if broken would be the end.

Was that a realistic promise and expectation of a 2x cheater who left for each subsequent OW? I don't mean that harshly. Was he emotionally healthy enough to fulfill that promise, not simply speak the words.

You seem to have done a lot of work on yourself and have good insight to your actions and choices.

Was/is he capable of that kind insight then or now? Is he willing to submit himself to the work of getting it? Not just for you or the marriage but to become an authentic human, partner, dad, son etc...

Words are so easy -- dismiss yourself as a 'piece of shit'. The hard part is beyond recognizing your errors but the process of making sure you learn from it and bullet proof yourself from making them again. It is long process. Longer than you want it to be for sure. And you fall down, you fail and you succeed. You move an inch at a time. I would want to know if he is capable of even understanding that much now.

[This message edited by redrock at 2:47 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

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