I can't blame her - if they are hurting her, if it's just too soon in the process (she is nowhere nearing even CONSIDERING R at this stage), if it's delaying her healing process - then they need to stop.
But what a blow. I always heard 1 step forward, 2 steps back after DDay. This just feels like 3 steps backwards...
We have two more sessions pre-booked that we decided to keep and then my BS will take her decision if we continue or not.
In the end, and I hate this part of it because I've lost all control, but whatever she wants, she will get from me.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:50 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
It took my BS about 5 months to even consider looking at us working it out. It does suck, but if it does happen nothing can compare. Either way you'll know you did everything you could.
Hang in there brother.
And yes, I need to stay the course so if in the end she wants a D, I can look my kids in the eye and tell them I did everything I could.
Thanks for helping me stay consistent...this is just the start and I need to keep on doing what I'm doing!!!
Not sure why your BS wants to stop MC, but the only thing I can tell you for the sessions to remain is to make sure they are SI-ish. Meaning that if MC starts to give you an out or start blaming the marriage, YOU step up and say WHOA. This is my shit and I refuse to have it dumped on her head.
Very early on, before she knew us well, MC wanted me to apologize to FWH for something. It had to do with a bad reaction I had to something regarding the A. I was not violent or anything, just not very understanding or "proper".
FWH said, "Oh no, she will absolutely not apologize to me for anything. SHE has nothing to apologize for".
Major trust points were gained with those statements. Not saying to fake it in MC by any means. But if MC is at all off base even (especially) if it is in your favor, be sure to set them straight. Make it a place where your BS feels safe and never attacked. And that she can know that YOU will protect her even if MC doesn't.
when she throws up the wall and tells me there is no hope every bone in my body just wants to run for cover.
this is just the start
Don't give up.
One tiny acknowledgement of the effort I am putting into saving my marriage.
When I hit member status (so close!) I'll private message you so we can compare lists of everything we're doing!
Take those small positive things she says and live off of them
So true. It's amazing how those small things got me through the holidays. Over the Christmas break she sent me two text msgs offering me leftovers from Christmas dinner (I wasn't allowed to eat at home) and she said "please" after asking me to help with something. Those two tiny elements of courtesy made my whole week.
And Scream, it's a good point and I journal every day (I've always been prone to write) but putting emotions to paper helps a lot!
Honestly this feels right to me because after a lot of soul-searching on this topic (I was pretty shaken when my BS told me she wanted to stop these) it's the right move. The reason is simple - if it's not helping her process, then we need to stop the sessions. HER healing process is the process in the lead here (WS writes to remind himself daily!).
I wanted MC to continue for ME, but that is just selfish "ME ME ME" stuff. The right move is to let my BS decide and her approach (BTW, ALL OF HER APPROACHES in our separation) was a really appropriate and healthy one.
The only thing going through my mind at the end of the session was "wow, I married an even MORE amazing woman that I already thought."
Too little too late perhaps, but it feels good to realize it anyways!
You guys in IC? It took my BS a while to actually start, bouncing around from one to the other. None of them were right for her, until she was ready.
It sucks that it took something like this for us to realize what amazing women we had.
On a side note, you had mentioned something about a nanny an earlier post. When I hit 51 posts I will message you about it. Just some things to watch out for.
Thus far, we both seem pretty stable with our choices and it seems to be working (from my side for sure, I'm guessing from my wife's because she seems to be surviving despite this nightmare).
Looking forward to the nanny discussion.