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BS wants to stop MC

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Prayingforhope posted 1/6/2014 10:23 AM

Well, first MC session back in the New Year and I knew it would be important - one way or another. So she wants to stop the sessions, no value for her, wants nothing more to do with me and they are just one more thing to be cut off.

I can't blame her - if they are hurting her, if it's just too soon in the process (she is nowhere nearing even CONSIDERING R at this stage), if it's delaying her healing process - then they need to stop.

But what a blow. I always heard 1 step forward, 2 steps back after DDay. This just feels like 3 steps backwards...

We have two more sessions pre-booked that we decided to keep and then my BS will take her decision if we continue or not.

In the end, and I hate this part of it because I've lost all control, but whatever she wants, she will get from me.

1bigidiot79 posted 1/6/2014 11:32 AM

Hey Praying, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am in a similar situation in that my BS will not entertain the idea of going to MC. We are both in IC and I have thankfully seen some signs of improvement in the last few days. I hope she will change her mind as things progress. I keep telling myself that her unwillingness to move forward is just her self preserving right now. I hope so anyway. Hang in there. Consistency and transparency are the keys. I heard time after time when I joined this site but it is the truth.

Daisy1967 posted 1/6/2014 11:34 AM

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:50 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

nevergiveup10 posted 1/6/2014 12:21 PM

Stick in there, you have the right attitude. She is in the driver's seat, you are along for the ride. Just don't jump out of the car or you'll never have a chance.

It took my BS about 5 months to even consider looking at us working it out. It does suck, but if it does happen nothing can compare. Either way you'll know you did everything you could.

Hang in there brother.

Prayingforhope posted 1/6/2014 13:34 PM

Nevergiveup, bigidiot, thank you for hearing me. I have never wanted to jump out of the car as I did today. It's INSANE, I don't REALLY want to jump out of the car, but man, when she throws up the wall and tells me there is no hope every bone in my body just wants to run for cover.

And yes, I need to stay the course so if in the end she wants a D, I can look my kids in the eye and tell them I did everything I could.

Thanks for helping me stay consistent...this is just the start and I need to keep on doing what I'm doing!!!

heforgotme posted 1/6/2014 13:44 PM

Hey Praying,

Not sure why your BS wants to stop MC, but the only thing I can tell you for the sessions to remain is to make sure they are SI-ish. Meaning that if MC starts to give you an out or start blaming the marriage, YOU step up and say WHOA. This is my shit and I refuse to have it dumped on her head.

Very early on, before she knew us well, MC wanted me to apologize to FWH for something. It had to do with a bad reaction I had to something regarding the A. I was not violent or anything, just not very understanding or "proper".

FWH said, "Oh no, she will absolutely not apologize to me for anything. SHE has nothing to apologize for".

Major trust points were gained with those statements. Not saying to fake it in MC by any means. But if MC is at all off base even (especially) if it is in your favor, be sure to set them straight. Make it a place where your BS feels safe and never attacked. And that she can know that YOU will protect her even if MC doesn't.

Good luck.

1bigidiot79 posted 1/6/2014 14:21 PM

when she throws up the wall and tells me there is no hope every bone in my body just wants to run for cover.
I have learned that so much of dealing with the aftermath is recognizing what she is doing/feeling. It's great that you know when you are getting the wall and when you are getting the real her. My BS's wall is 10 feet tall and bomb proof at the moment. I have finally come to terms that the only way it is coming down is one brick at a time through consistent action on my part.

this is just the start
You are where I was at about 3 months ago. I am coming up on 6 months now and it is amazing at how everyone's advice on this site has come to fruition. I am sold on taking that advice and putting it to the test because so far it has not failed me. It's kind of funny really. My situation hasn't really changed at all but I am learning to cope and deal with it in a much healthier manner. Everyone kept telling me to carry my own water and I can thankfully say that now I am. I completely agree with your statement about giving this everything you've got. I too want to know that no matter what happens, I will know that I gave it my very best. My BS deserves that and so does my child.

Don't give up.

Prayingforhope posted 1/6/2014 14:52 PM

Amen to that bigidiot. After I calmed down from the session there was one tiny silver lining. The MC asked my BS if there was anything, like ANYTHING AT ALL, that I could do additional or be doing differently to make her feel safer and she said "no, he's doing everything he can".

One tiny acknowledgement of the effort I am putting into saving my marriage.

When I hit member status (so close!) I'll private message you so we can compare lists of everything we're doing!

nevergiveup10 posted 1/6/2014 16:04 PM

Praying, my wife told me I would NEVER have her again. Take those small positive things she says and live off of them. It's all I had back then. Only you know if your love and friendship can survive this. If you know it can as I did, it will help you through the darkest of times.

scream posted 1/6/2014 17:20 PM

Keep working on yourself. You can't control what she decides. And yes, you can let her know your feelings. She may dismiss them right now but you should tell her. And write them out for yourself. I was never much of a writer but I do when I need to and have a chance. Good to go back and read. Stay strong. On SI your never alone.

Prayingforhope posted 1/7/2014 06:10 AM

Take those small positive things she says and live off of them

So true. It's amazing how those small things got me through the holidays. Over the Christmas break she sent me two text msgs offering me leftovers from Christmas dinner (I wasn't allowed to eat at home) and she said "please" after asking me to help with something. Those two tiny elements of courtesy made my whole week.

And Scream, it's a good point and I journal every day (I've always been prone to write) but putting emotions to paper helps a lot!

Prayingforhope posted 1/8/2014 08:32 AM

Update here since not everything is bad news. We had what I thought was a really good session today (or maybe more accurately, it wasn't a horrible session) where we agreed to continue MC on a once per month basis as a "check-in" on the separation and overall healing process for us both.

Honestly this feels right to me because after a lot of soul-searching on this topic (I was pretty shaken when my BS told me she wanted to stop these) it's the right move. The reason is simple - if it's not helping her process, then we need to stop the sessions. HER healing process is the process in the lead here (WS writes to remind himself daily!).

I wanted MC to continue for ME, but that is just selfish "ME ME ME" stuff. The right move is to let my BS decide and her approach (BTW, ALL OF HER APPROACHES in our separation) was a really appropriate and healthy one.

The only thing going through my mind at the end of the session was "wow, I married an even MORE amazing woman that I already thought."

Too little too late perhaps, but it feels good to realize it anyways!

nevergiveup10 posted 1/8/2014 10:32 AM

Praying, that's great man. It's a start and before you know it it will be every other week, then weekly.

You guys in IC? It took my BS a while to actually start, bouncing around from one to the other. None of them were right for her, until she was ready.

It sucks that it took something like this for us to realize what amazing women we had.

On a side note, you had mentioned something about a nanny an earlier post. When I hit 51 posts I will message you about it. Just some things to watch out for.

Prayingforhope posted 1/8/2014 13:00 PM

nevergiveup, yes we're both in IC. The trauma of my LTA for us both pretty much made it mandatory (I don't want to understate this, but we were losing our minds the first 30-45 days after DDay).

Thus far, we both seem pretty stable with our choices and it seems to be working (from my side for sure, I'm guessing from my wife's because she seems to be surviving despite this nightmare).

Looking forward to the nanny discussion.

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