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scream posted 1/6/2014 14:03 PM

For the longest time I was so f...ing proud to say " my wife and I don't fight, never have." Not really knowing that it was just me refusing to get involved. We now fight. Over text or face to face. Its not often, its never really harsh. But mostly heavy disagreements. And boy am I happy we do. Now, my wife may not agree, and that's ok, but it has never been this way. I was always afraid to even disagree with her. To speak my mind. To tell her what I really think. She will call me out on something she thinks is bullshit. And now I feel safe enough to do the same. Think there were some really strong FOO issues. If you knew my mother you would know.

Anyway. we can now have real talks. Heated or other wise. She can say things to me that may hurt me. But they won't kill me. And I may say things to her that may make me seem like a bigger ass than I already am, but I'm not afraid to talk to her. And we communicate now. So much of a big difference. For me, it was like a house being lifted of myself. I can talk to my wife honestly. Thank you baby.

scream posted 1/6/2014 14:05 PM

Sorry forgot to take stop sign off.

bionicgal posted 1/6/2014 14:09 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:11 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

Deeply Scared posted 1/6/2014 14:39 PM

Scream...

The Stop sign has now been removed. Please make sure to unclick it in the future should you want BS replies.

Prayingforhope posted 1/6/2014 14:57 PM

I like your point Scream because it shows you're actually PRESENT in the relationship. It's insane this trauma A put us in. In the normal world, 'not fighting' is what good couples do, but the reality is I would turn over my paycheck for a fight with my BS today. At a minimum it would mean I'm still alive to her, second we'd get to share the same space, third, we'd actually be fighting about SOMETHING as opposed to doing nothing, on and on it goes...who knew the idea of fighting could be so attractive!

Okay, I'm going to go back to trying to not give up for the day....

stroppy_wanadoo posted 1/6/2014 15:30 PM

When we began marriage counseling, I distinctly remember our MC say at the end of the first session "Well you are the most polite and considerate couple in crisis that I have ever met. Your assignment this week is to fight."

I recall thinking she was nuts. I had always prided myself on the fact that we didn't fight. But ultimately, it led to a great build-up of frustration and pent up ill will that caused resentment. And clearly, our communication with one another on issues was flawed.

So fight we did. It was a miserable two weeks until we went back. No physical altercations, to be sure, but yelling and anger like neither of us had ever unleashed. Culminated in a huge blow up over the grill, of all things, which malfunctioned and was not the fault of either of us.

On our return to MC, she asked us how it went. We both replied TERRIBLY! And then she taught us how to "fight" - or should I say disagree - productively and respectfully, and to really LISTEN to the other person in the process. That has made so much difference in our relationship, and we still apply those learnings 7 years later.

So good on you and your wife. I hope the positive communications continue!

iAmAMess0809 posted 1/6/2014 20:35 PM

This is me, except I'm not there. I have rarely fought with my BS. I'm just afraid of conflict, and therefore rarely voice my opinion when it is a disagreement. My BS can be very intense to me. My FOO rarely ever fought, and I have no real examples of what fighting in a marriage looks like. Her FOO on the other hand gave her plenty of examples, so we come from two completely different places.

I'm working on it, but this is a hard one for me.

How did you get to the point where you're able to have these fights?

scream posted 1/7/2014 07:47 AM

We talked again last night. Again it got heated at times. Both of expressing what we feel. And I don't want it to sound like all of a sudden I like to fight with my wife. I don't. But its good for both of us to not be afraid to say what we are feeling. I know she held things in for years because I wouldn't talk to her. We are on the right path. Its bumpy, has pot holes but altogether its ok. We are on it together.

Kap12 posted 1/7/2014 19:38 PM

My BS and I don't fight but we do have disagreements. Me having an affair opened up an issue that we weren't communicating like we should and we were just going along. Our communication is different now and yes not agreeing all the time feels great.