Crazy, guy's perspective, though my kids were older when the affair happened, 19 and 13 then, 20 and 14 now. Felt the same way. She wouldn't leave the house, thought she could outlast me, and kept saying the right things but the actions didn't match. I kept going straight back to the affair. She wanted to talk about the marriage, somehow make it all my fault. She partied for 4 years, she threw our marriage out, she lived fat on both of our money, she screwed around; yet here I was. I described it like being in a POW camp. All the PTSD of war and all the horror of being locked up with a psychopath.
And the MC we went to didn't even talk about the affair, just kept saying he could save the marriage. Biggest rugsweeper ever. After one session of listening to her rattle on for 2 hours about all the injustice in the world, I got in 5 minutes of, "she seduced me, threatened to call the cops and scream rape, then taunted me to try to hit her, then blamed the divorce on my son, then called her daughter a whore and told her no one loved her. I think the wrong person talked here for 2 hours." Didn't go back to MC after that. I wasn't safe there. He didn't have to completely have my perspective, but he did need to have my back. He'd been in the business for 40 years, he should have known better. My ex was trying every avenue to get me to be the bad guy, if I hit her, or she got to call the cops, it was my fault. She's insane, and I'm much happier on my own...I miss companionship sure, but I don't miss HER companionship. And I filed for divorce on her, pushed her hard, and now we have shared custody. I get the kids 15 days a month and so does she, based on work schedules. It's possible to divorce and not just be a weekend dad. Get to a lawyer. She had an affair, she obviously isn't going to win any popularity contests with the judge...believe it.
And you do prove my point, that I've been making all along. Too many marriage counselors, preachers, programs, and even books rely on the BETRAYED to do all the work. And I do mean, ALL the work, particularly in the early stages, where all they can think of is sleeping and finding food that doesn't taste like chalk. The waywards get to la-de-da their way through fog, and trickle truth, more lies, more deception, thinking sex (which caused the problem) is all they need to do to fix the issue - and women are real bad about that - because they attach the stereotype that men just want one thing, sex, to their reconciliation, and bingo, we'll suddenly be happy with them. Nasty perverts don't realize sex is the issue that destroyed their marriage. You can't use that intimacy as your go to card when you obviously don't care who you give it to, or can keep your word.
BS's are supposed to hold their tongue, forgive, be patient, wait it out, work on the marriage, not die...blah blah blah. Friend of mine and I were talking. His older brother was so screwed up he had a heart attack and stroke from the stress. The guy is 49 years old. He refuses to talk to women. Says if he didn't have two daughters he'd never talk to another woman as long as he's alive. That's screwed up. He doesn't deserve it, yet he shouldered the burden for her affair, physically and mentally. Is it fair, no. Is it reality, yes. Which is all the more reason for MC's to spend the first 8 to 12 months talking about the affair and the affair only, and dealing totally with the betrayed spouses hurt. Moving forward can't happen while the BS is trying to claw his way out of a POW camp.