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Crazyman642 posted 1/6/2014 14:17 PM

I am six months out, and by all accounts my WS is doing what she should to R and I feel as though I am just playing along. To this day though she swears it, I don't believe I have the total truth, nor do I in any shape form or fashion understand the why.

I am however, an excellent father and more in love with my children than my own happiness. From the mother stand point she is good, even during the A she took care of their physical needs. Maybe missed the mark on their emotional needs. If there were no kids involved I am pretty sure I would be a single man right now, but I won't allow her to take my kids from me. IF, I divorced I would end up becoming the weekend dad and she would be the full time example to my children. That is completely unacceptable as the A was the example she has already set. That it is ok, to lie, cheat, and deceive. I will not have my daughter grows up without a positive male role model, nor my son with any one else teaching him to grow up and do the right thing. I can already hear many of you, the kids can tell, they would be better off. That can't be the answer... I feel like a hostage in my own life, to do what is right for my kids and my own happiness I must suffer through whatever WS wants to give me.

I keep getting the: "Aren't I doing things better!" "Why won't you accept my reason why I had the A." I guess if I felt like I had the truth, maybe it would make a difference. After DDay I was drowned in TT, with many " I swear on the life of my kids that is it!" Only to get slapped in the face again with more TT. Every holiday is Fing horrible, I get to sit and think, oh this time last year it was with him. Then she doesn't seem to get why I am depressed. I gave up on our MC, she was obviously not on my side, but she is helping WS with A LOT of individual shit. I mentioned me finding my own IC only to have the MC said that might be a good ideal as all I was looking for was someone to agree with me. Now mind you I am the one who sought out the MC to start with. Not my WS. I feel too often I am doing all the work to fix this and she is just sitting back and enjoying the ride. I didn't want to mess up my kids Xmas so I have just kept quiet. Hostage again!!!

Do any other fathers/ BS feel like this?

Sorry if I sound like I am whining. Been holding on to this for a while.


Kajem posted 1/6/2014 15:11 PM


Not a father, but a divorced BS. I think feeling like a hostage is part and parcel of being a parent and going thru this mess. Especially if you care about what example your kids are learning from.


ILINIA posted 1/6/2014 15:16 PM

I know you may have been asking for fathers, but at 7 months out, I go through similar thoughts. You aren't alone.

I think we are still processing the information and our thoughts at this stage. I think it is okay for now to stay and see how your relationship progresses. You don't have to make any decisions, you can just watch her actions and work on you. It is hard, because when you have kids, you don't get any downtime or cannot separate without any consequences for the kids.

With that being said, find an IC asap for you because we need our own space and support. Maybe your wife can keep the MC as her IC and you can even find a different MC for both of you.

I am concerned that you don't feel like you have the truth yet, as that will delay any progress for both of you. Did she do a timeline? What else is she doing? I think they "why's" take their own time, as it starts out pretty broad in the beginning and gets narrowed as MC and IC continues.

I get the hostage/stuck feeling, as I think I would have left as well if we didn't have kids. I have told WH that if we D, he cannot date until our oldest has graduated high school. (As if I have any control!) My fear is that my kids will be exposed to the flooseys he decided to date. He will either:
1) date someone who doesn't want his kids around,
2) someone that wants kids of their own, therefore, focusing on his "new family" or
3) dating someone who has kids, therefore, getting his attention.
Just the thought of my kids having a step mom and being second or third priority, makes me hang in to see where this ride takes us.

In short, we are stuck at this moment, but take that time to work on you, heal, and be a great dad.

Crazyman642 posted 1/6/2014 15:42 PM

Thanks Lady's. I am grateful for any answers. I just want the guys perspective, but glad to take ANY positive words.

I don't have it in my bio. Hell I don't have a bio. It was supposedly and EA online. But OP only lived four hours away and I travel out of the country for work regularly. In truth it was PA, she just doesn't she it that way. To her phone sex and naked pictures wasn't PA. Did I mention the phone sex was in our bedroom. I don't even know for SURE exactly how long it went on. The OP died of a massive heart attack, after she had ended the A, but not contact. This was all through a on line game called Second Life. I researched cell records as far back as I could, it went on for at least a year. Even after I asked, she just lied to my face. So no I don't think I know the whole truth, but if it is the truth she is doing her R part, I just don't think it will ever really be good again. Question. What is good, how do I DO my life for the next 14 years ( I have a 4 year old)?

Hostage doesn't do justice to how I feel. I fight the urge everyday to "get even". Don't know how I would as I am an honest man and hold myself to a higher standard.

Just want to scream!!!!


GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 1/6/2014 16:07 PM

Crazy, guy's perspective, though my kids were older when the affair happened, 19 and 13 then, 20 and 14 now. Felt the same way. She wouldn't leave the house, thought she could outlast me, and kept saying the right things but the actions didn't match. I kept going straight back to the affair. She wanted to talk about the marriage, somehow make it all my fault. She partied for 4 years, she threw our marriage out, she lived fat on both of our money, she screwed around; yet here I was. I described it like being in a POW camp. All the PTSD of war and all the horror of being locked up with a psychopath.

And the MC we went to didn't even talk about the affair, just kept saying he could save the marriage. Biggest rugsweeper ever. After one session of listening to her rattle on for 2 hours about all the injustice in the world, I got in 5 minutes of, "she seduced me, threatened to call the cops and scream rape, then taunted me to try to hit her, then blamed the divorce on my son, then called her daughter a whore and told her no one loved her. I think the wrong person talked here for 2 hours." Didn't go back to MC after that. I wasn't safe there. He didn't have to completely have my perspective, but he did need to have my back. He'd been in the business for 40 years, he should have known better. My ex was trying every avenue to get me to be the bad guy, if I hit her, or she got to call the cops, it was my fault. She's insane, and I'm much happier on my own...I miss companionship sure, but I don't miss HER companionship. And I filed for divorce on her, pushed her hard, and now we have shared custody. I get the kids 15 days a month and so does she, based on work schedules. It's possible to divorce and not just be a weekend dad. Get to a lawyer. She had an affair, she obviously isn't going to win any popularity contests with the judge...believe it.

And you do prove my point, that I've been making all along. Too many marriage counselors, preachers, programs, and even books rely on the BETRAYED to do all the work. And I do mean, ALL the work, particularly in the early stages, where all they can think of is sleeping and finding food that doesn't taste like chalk. The waywards get to la-de-da their way through fog, and trickle truth, more lies, more deception, thinking sex (which caused the problem) is all they need to do to fix the issue - and women are real bad about that - because they attach the stereotype that men just want one thing, sex, to their reconciliation, and bingo, we'll suddenly be happy with them. Nasty perverts don't realize sex is the issue that destroyed their marriage. You can't use that intimacy as your go to card when you obviously don't care who you give it to, or can keep your word.

BS's are supposed to hold their tongue, forgive, be patient, wait it out, work on the marriage, not die...blah blah blah. Friend of mine and I were talking. His older brother was so screwed up he had a heart attack and stroke from the stress. The guy is 49 years old. He refuses to talk to women. Says if he didn't have two daughters he'd never talk to another woman as long as he's alive. That's screwed up. He doesn't deserve it, yet he shouldered the burden for her affair, physically and mentally. Is it fair, no. Is it reality, yes. Which is all the more reason for MC's to spend the first 8 to 12 months talking about the affair and the affair only, and dealing totally with the betrayed spouses hurt. Moving forward can't happen while the BS is trying to claw his way out of a POW camp.

Ostrich80 posted 1/6/2014 16:20 PM

Not a father but I understand why your doing what your doing. My DS is biting the bullet to stay actively involved in his DD life. Although I hate to see him unhappy, he says his DD will not have some guy in her life instead of him as mom can't be alone. If I was a dad, I would probably do the same thing. My son insists his daughter's well being is far more important than his contentment and romantic status.

stronger08 posted 1/6/2014 16:59 PM

Dude I totally understand what your saying. Personally my XWW could not tell me anything that had a shred of truth, so I had no choice but to D. And yes it does suck as far as my son is concerned. I'm a weekend father but for me it was the less of two evils. I could have stayed with my XWW and continued being lied to and cheated on. But I could not do that as it would have made me a very bitter man and lousy dad due to it. Its often said, better to live in a broken home then a dysfunctional one. I adhere to that line of thinking. I suggest you do seek out some IC as it really helped me. I would also shop around for another MC. Like anything else in this world you have good MC and you have bad ones. Same goes for an IC. It took me four tries to find a therapist who I clicked with. Your only six months out and that's not a lot of time. There are many stages to betrayal and it seems you have hit the anger stage. That's perfectly normal and as long as you control your anger it is not a big deal. They say it takes anywhere between 2-5 years to fully recover from infidelity. And for me that was true, sadly I was on the high end. It does sound like your WW has remorse and that's a good thing. But I don't think she understands your pain. That is where a qualified MC with experience dealing with infidelity comes in. Try and find one that you both are comfortable with. It could make a world of difference my man. Communication is key to R and it does not sound like you guys have that. Yet keep in mind that R needs 100% honesty in order to work. If you feel there is more MC is a good place to seek it. I just want you to know that many of us guys have been in your shoes and it totally sucks. But perhaps you have the whole story and its just you who cant move forward. And if that's the case you need to make a decision here dude. I also want you to know that there is nothing wrong in feeling that way either. For some people cheating is just a deal breaker. Just done sell out your happiness because it not only affects you, but your children and your WW also. Hang in the brother, we are here is you need us.

Tickingtock posted 1/6/2014 19:06 PM

My only comment is that if you stay in your marriage, you will not be a male role modeln in a vacuum. You will exist as part of a marriage and that is how your children will see you. And children learn what marriage is, and what it should look like, by their parents.

So can you portray not just a healthy male role model but a good husband in a healthy marriage?

Crazyman642 posted 1/7/2014 17:02 PM

It's weird. We talk a lot more than before. During the holidays I kinda let it go not wanting to be there. Right the second she is driving to see the MC. I don't think she would ever do it again, and I know nothing is going on now. Her AP died of a massive heart attack months after she ended the affair. I confirmed this and saw there massive reduction in their communication. It didn't stop, but nearly. She has stopped everything almost nearly dropping off the grid completely. The death was a blessing, and a curse. I never got closure. There was no NC moment. I never got to confront him, which could be the blessing I may have beat the shit out of him. In my line of work that could be bad.

I started searching for an IC today. Not easy as I work an hour away from where I live. I will keep looking. I do think I need to talk to someone just to get it off my chest and rationally discuss it with a neutral party.

It obvious she cares, she just doesn't get it. I still think it's her job to fix it. She what she has to say when she gets home. First MC appointment after the holidays.

For me I need to understand the why, without it R is in trouble. It just sucks feeling like a hostage. I don't think my kids will notice if I just go along for the ride. There is no yelling, no screaming. We are putting up a good show for the kids, and I really think she thinks she is trying.

I am trying to make it better, but it's one day at a time.

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