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Just Keeps Getting Worse

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peoplepleaser posted 1/6/2014 14:25 PM

So why is that? In the beginning there was crazy remorse, efforts to make me feel special, discussions, compassion, all of it...except total disclosure. The more information revealed the less remorse and the more anger as directed at me. So now, it is my fault. I deserved it. WS felt bad because I didn't give her what she needed when she asked, and her feelings are the reason she cheated...what?! So she specifically avoids saying it's my fault, but implies it's both my fault and I deserved it? This started just before I found out about the second one that was from two years ago. Ugh! I need to totally adopt the 180 at this point. I'm in so much pain right now. And her words are conflicting, too. We are separating and she's crying about not wanting our relationship to end, but telling me she's too angry at me for how I treated her our whole relationship to do what she needs to in order to help me heal. And everything she said about how she discovered things that contributed to misperceptions about what she thought about me and what I though and felt and did...gone. Now it's all my fault again. All 8 years are my fault. She begged me not to go, then decided she can't try and fix it. Ridiculous! Who else has dealt with that? What do you do? How do you do it? What happened?

TrustedHer posted 1/6/2014 16:27 PM

(((pp)))

In the beginning there was crazy remorse, efforts to make me feel special, discussions, compassion, all of it...except total disclosure.

No there wasn't remorse. Regret, maybe, and maybe only about getting caught.

she's too angry at me for how I treated her our whole relationship to do what she needs to in order to help me heal.

At the very worst, some of the relationship issues are yours. None of her decisions to be unfaithful are yours.

She begged me not to go, then decided she can't try and fix it.

One person alone cannot have R. If she can't try, it's over.

Jrazz posted 1/6/2014 16:40 PM

Sounds like she said "I'm sorry" and you're just supposed to forget about it now.

Her blameshifting is painfully common - please don't put any of what she did onto yourself.

I'm glad you're aware of the 180 - It's going to be really good for you once you get the hang of it. You get your strength and your control back. Don't be hard on yourself in the beginning - nobody executes it perfectly.

Sending big hugs.

(((peoplepleaser)))

peoplepleaser posted 1/6/2014 17:01 PM

Thanks for the support and empowering words. Do the WS usually end up feeling remorse or do the usually walk?

cl131716 posted 1/6/2014 17:43 PM

That depends on the WS. Some don't feel remorse but don't walk either, like mine it seems.

Sorry you are going through this. I think it makes even harder when they seem willing to R one moment and then want to run away the next.

doggiediva posted 1/6/2014 18:04 PM

Or when they aren't remorseful but they are gonna try to make it impossible for us to walk away..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:05 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/7/2014 00:15 AM

This is why it's called crazymaking.

Very, very sorry for your pain!

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