I understand the desire to make love too. I posted the other day on my confusion about that. I have intense feelings toward my WH in that way - feelings I haven't had in a while!! I won't have sex until he gets tested but we have made out more passionately than maybe before we were married. Or ever actually. I feel guilty about it like I'm breaking the BS rules but I also feel like I should get some pleasure while in so much pain! Plus, my WH doesn't seem to let that affect his level of showing remorse.
Btw, I think I'd let her see you cry. Crying together can be healing. We are reading a book together on this stuff and it's opened up good but painful dialog. I think it can help heal. I keep reminding myself of two things: sometimes things need to get worse before they get better and nothing good comes easy. I think our marriage needed healing pre-A, now we are forced to go down that road.
Sorry so long, I'm a talker! :)
True remorse and a willingness to work at R on the part of the WS are necessary to heal from the pain of infidelity. Much success to you as your work through this season of your life.
[This message edited by BAB61 at 3:52 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
Therapy will be good for both of you.
But she must learn the "why" she cheated.
Then you both can put proper boundaries back into your marriage so this crap does not happen again.
Keep venting here.
So sorry you are so heartbroken.
1) Adopt 180.
2) Ask for a written timeline. If she refuses you know there is more to the story.
3) Threaten a polygraph. If she refuses you know there is more to the story.
4) Ask her to leave the bedroom and sleep elsewhere (guest room if you have one).
5) Go see a lawyer and find out your options.
Cheating is a choice. If you are going through a bad time, you can either: Ask to go to therapy together, threaten to divorce, divorce, cheat etc. Cheating is one of those choices.
Regardless of gender, cheaters CHOOSE to cheat. You may not have been the perfect husband but you are not at fault for her behavior.
The fact that you had to find out, instead of her confessing is a bad sign. Therefore you cannot be absolutely 100% sure that for her this was a one time fling.
A cheater can do all the crying they want to, but at the end of the day you owe them nothing. You have to do what is best for you.
Your old marriage is dead. You have to decide whether you want to build a new one with her, or move on.