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Should I contact the OW???

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Annonymouse posted 1/6/2014 15:27 PM

My WS has come clean-ish. I know most of the details about the A now, I think. He told me that most of their correspondence was through email so I wanted his passwords just to verify that he was not contacting her. He said that he deleted everything that had to do with her, all emails, addresses, etc. However I found her email address and another suspicious address on his gmail home screen. I didn't have to go poking through the address book, they were just there with my email and a few work contacts.
My question is should I contact her? I don't want to do anything that I'll regret. I really want to tell her BS, but I don't have his info. Any advise would be very welcome!

TheThreeYearFool posted 1/6/2014 15:50 PM

I don't feel that there's any good that can come of contacting the OW. For one thing, cheaters lie -- having an A gives them lots of practice at it too.

And a jilted OW has no real reason to tell you the truth. At best, you know she already doesn't think of you as a person worth respecting. At worst her objective is to hurt you.

Stick to sleuthing, or asking others to sleuth for you to find the OBS. It's amazing what people will post on the internet...

Numbandshocked posted 1/6/2014 16:01 PM

I agree that contacting the OP doesn't do you any good. What would come of it? If there is still contact, she tells your WS and he hides it all better. If there is NC she knows you know which NC implies that she already knows that.

However, it's just me but I'd ask him about it.


fullofhurt posted 1/6/2014 16:25 PM

I contacted the OW but it was my husband's exW and we were on friendly terms at the time so I continued to pretend I didn't blame her and got as much information as I could from her and her version. Of course some of it didn't match. From there I did my own investigating and found a lot of truth. But without the information I got from both of them I wouldn't have been able to know when it exactly started, the exact dates the slept together and when it ended. Their A took place when they would meet to exchange their teenage daughter. They would leave her in one car and have a quickie in the disgusting is that! But I think it is a personal choice and depends on whether you can handle what she says to you. My h's exW is also a sociopath, though my h never listened to me, if he had he probably never would have had an A with her and got her pregnant with twins.

Annonymouse posted 1/6/2014 18:38 PM

Thanks all. ThreeYearFool, can you recommend any good sites for sleuthing. I've tried all the find people searches, but nothing came up. I tried searching for myself just to see if it worked and always got out of date information.

scared&stronger posted 1/6/2014 19:17 PM

I am the odd man out I guess. I did contact her and I have no regrets. I think for me just looking at her face and keeping my gaze on her while she lied (and I went in knowing that she was going to lie). I confronted her a couple of times at church and once in her home. I don't recommend my approach for everyone but I am fairly confrontational and I don't feel as if I move forward without confronting what I feel is wrong or who I feel is wrong. Just my take.

tara1110 posted 1/6/2014 19:53 PM

I contacted the OW 4 days after dday and it backfired. STBX thought I was attacking her. I don't know what that bitch told him but after I called her, STBX got mad at me and here we are now. The night before I called OW, my and WH talked about "trying" to reconcile. It's a blessing in disguise I guess because maybe if we did reconcile it would be a false one.

littlefoggy posted 1/6/2014 20:05 PM

No. The answer is always no.

You don't want to be the crazy spouse.

You want to be the cool 180ing spouse.

tara1110 posted 1/6/2014 20:24 PM

No. The answer is always no.
You don't want to be the crazy spouse.

You want to be the cool 180ing spouse.

^^^ I couldn't agree more... I wish I had known about SI sooner

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/7/2014 00:12 AM

For 95% of people, definitely not.

It will not help.

It will almost certainly result in more pain to you, for one reason or another.

Whatever you hope to gain, it most probably will not happen.

You will feel robbed, again.

It will hurt you.

MJane posted 1/7/2014 09:10 AM

I felt such a strong temptation to do this (still do if i am honest). I found out about the A when she took me unawares on my doorstep loaded with emails, bitchiness and dressed up at 1 am - I was half asleep. That night haunts me and occasionally I feel like I'd love her to feel even an ounce of the vulnerability I felt. the reality is that as others are saying in 9 cases out of 10 you'll be the one hurt. You aren't made of the same stuff as the OW. She has no time for shame and you are not something she cares about - injuring you will probably be a bonus if she is hurting herself from being jilted. I drafted a message i wanted to send to her, saved it and did nothing about it. This Christmas break she went into full on harassment/stalking mode with my H - multiple calls and mails a day. He has come to see the woman I saw on my doorstep rather than the rosy sexy available always lover she made herself for him. This woman has no morals, no conscience and I am just something standing between her and "true love" - I am still hurting too much not to be deeply wounded even by what i suspect would be lies - don't let her enter into your life more than she has already - good luck on sleuthing front and hope things work out for you!

OakStreet posted 1/7/2014 09:41 AM

I DID contact the OW. The day after Dday, driving to work very early after no sleep, I saw that she also didn't sleep and was at the office early (we ALL work for the same company, but she and WH work in separate facility). I stopped in and expressed my calm outrage. She was in tears saying, "she couldn't help her feelings for him", "they never meant for it to happen", "he obviously loves you". I got a little more info about the length of their contact, which culminated in oral sex the day before Dday.
So, I was satisfied in hearing her pain.

Yes, they still work together and that's difficult for me. But my WH is in IC and we will go to MC within the next few weeks. Right now, I'm ambivalent.

devasted30 posted 1/7/2014 10:47 AM

Leave the OW to suffer on her own, but get the info to her BS. Make sure you have concrete proof. He has a right to know if he doesn't already.

shattered79 posted 1/7/2014 12:20 PM

My husband cheated not once but just got caught again 12/20/13...the 1st time was 9/9/ once a cheater always a cheater..its always it was an accident..i read something ..falling off a bike is an accident..cheating is not an accident bcuz you accidently don't fall into a vagina...I called both women 1st one April said she had no clue what I was talking about..oh yeah text...Good night I love you from the 2nd Mrs. Smith...well my hudband was her boss so I wrote to their big boss...yep why not there were not afraid to have an affair so why be afraid to tell everyone...ok 2nd OW Donna..I heard a message he was leaving her by accident..he was out using someone elses cell to call her and but accident he butt dialed me and I heard everything...I called him and told him not to come home I heard the message he left for her..saying he loved her an dmissed her...denies it...then said he bumped into her at the bank then at the grocery many time I will never know enough to exchange numbers...but he gave his work number not his cell..thought he was slick..said nothing ever happened they just ball bust...whatever you want to call it..its still cheating..Yep I called her twice of course she wouldn't answer her home..why is she afraid she wasn't afraid to call him daily at work..did I feel better I sure did..I told her she is not the 1st and probably won't be the last and he likes both WW & BW..and to get tested for STD..he says he only loves me and never had any sex with anyone else...he don't know he does it thinks he has a mental illness and is going for help and wants me to support him...we tried this the 1st time and I can not do it what he can lie over and over again...we are now in seperate bedrooms..but he acts like everything is okay..planning our vacations for this year and all..I can not be in a room too long with him I have nothing to say..I come home from work eat and go to bed sometimes as early as 6pm..I hope karma bites all of them so bad its hurts worse then what I am..Sorry for venting but I need to let go somewhere...

scared&stronger posted 1/7/2014 13:52 PM

No. The answer is always no.
You don't want to be the crazy spouse.

You want to be the cool 180ing spouse.

I have to say I disagree with this blanket statement though I recognize that it one of the things that is said here. One size doesn't fit all.

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