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my wife had an emotional affair and maybe more

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nick1234 posted 1/6/2014 17:02 PM

My wife and have been together for 13 years and married for 7 years. We have had our ups and down but were always close for the longest time. But I think life and the kid consumed us. We stop doing the little thing to make each other feel special. About six month ago I was having a rough patch I was depressed and stressed. Then I took a job working an hour from home. It was 12 hour shift working overnight. When I work 14 IN ONE DAY I only have time to work and sleep. This is hard on a relationship because we didn't see each other that much.
Anyways about a week ago I went to use my wife's phone because my battery was dead. There was a text from another man on it. When I op-ed the text I brought me to a privacy box were she keep all the text so I wouldn't find them. There were a bunch of text to and from him. They were very sexual and even had times and dates that they could meet to have an affair. She would tell him sex position that she liked and other stuff. All these things I have asked her and she couldnt tell me her own husband these sexual thing but could tell him. Why?
When I confronted her with this she denied a lot. Finally I told her she needed to tell me every gritty detail. She confessed to trying to sexting him (which we I tried doing this with her she said she didn't know how and never did it before ANOTHER LIE). She confessed that she wanted to have sex with him and set up times to do so but couldnt go through with it. She swore they never had sex but I dont know if I believe her. Its not even like he promised her the world or anything. He is also married and told her he wouldn't leave his family he just wanted an affair with her.
All this started about six month ago and she said she hasn't spoken to him in months. The new text was the first in a while but she had said to him in the text that she missed him. I think it would have started again if I had not found them. She says she is sorry and hates her self for hurting me. She also said she had no idea that I could be hurt so bad. Wtf does that mean? She begs and cry for my forgiveness. She says she will do anything to fix this. But I dont know if its to late? We are going to go to a council as well.
I dont know if I want to fix this? Why fight for something she was so willing to throw away? I am so hurt I can't even explain how bad it hurt. I'm angery and alone because she was always my comfort when thing hurt. My emotions are all over the place one minute I want to forgive he the next I want to hate her. A lot of the time I want her to hurt god I want her to hurt like I do! Not physically but emotionally. It makes me angery and sad that I still have feelings for her I want to hate her! I dont know what I will do ivdont want this to hurt our kids.

Markone posted 1/6/2014 17:09 PM

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. You are going to be upside down for a while and things will get worse before they get better...but they eventually do. Take no chances, assume a sexual affair and get tested asap. It's a horrible realization but you cannot trust her word right now. You don't have to make any big decisons - try to focus on you and the kids.

The ONLY way to change this situation is to make her realize what she will lose by giving you up to continue this EA. Don't let her have her cake and eat it. Be strong, brother.

nick1234 posted 1/6/2014 17:26 PM

One of the things that hurt the most is that when I was having a hard time she wasnt by my side she was angery with me ans went to anther guy for comfort! There have been time she went through sme stuff and I stayed by her side it wasnt easy but do it.

PRNDL posted 1/6/2014 17:30 PM

I so sorry man. This is new to you so everything will be up in the air. Believe absolutly nothing she says and assume the worse. Please trust me on this. You will be getting the trickle thruth.

Funny, I was with my wife 13 years ans married 7 before she decided to be a whore, or worse yet, she had always been one and just found out. Anyway when I caught her 9 months ago, she advised that it was a 3 month affair and they had protected sex 3 times. We started R. 6 months into R, after cracking her locked iphone code, I learned that the A was a year long, they had tons and tons of unprotected sex, they had a few pregnancy scares, and she was still seeing him while were were R. Be carefull. Expect ANYTHING.

It may be too soon for you to implement the 180D, but if your too weak, at least review the rules. I recommend that you 180 her ass now.

Im so sorry. Im new to this too, my advice may no be perfect.

Based on my research, case studies, and experience, she was about 5 steps ahead of what she says she did. So if she says, "hes just a friend", its more. If she says the only kissed once, that means they made out a bunch. If she says they almost fucked or "just did it once", that means they fucked 10 times, and so on.

Please, do not beg and plead, she will see u as week and will walk all over you. . I did this and she mocked me.

Do not stay in limbo. I did this for 7 months . It was pure hell. Pure hell. You dont have to make any crazy decisions like divorce and selling the house, but at least start the 180D. It will either push her away to the OP, or she will hopefully come out of the fog and want to R.

This site is great. Lots of help here.

Good luck my friend.

Markone posted 1/6/2014 17:34 PM

She will likely say some very hurtful things to make herself more justified in her actions

It was because 1) you didn't give her enough attention 2) the marriage was about to end anyway 3) it was just two good friends talking not an "affair" 4) I have a right to be happy.

Don't believe any of it. All marriages have ups and downs - you may own 50% of that but she owns 100% of the A. There is no legitimate reason, it's just plain old selfish behavior. For her, it may be a one-off that can be remedied by working on herself or you may just have learned who she REALLY is.

craig2001 posted 1/8/2014 10:46 AM

I think you need to learn a bit more about all of this.

How did she meet this guy?

Did she ever have a chance to be with him, socially or privately?

Common sense says that with all of that texting, they certainly would have met at some point.

She might not have been thinking about throwing anything away at the time. Affairs really mess up people's current thinking and current reality.

As to why she never told you these sexual things, ask her. She might have been too embarrassed to ever tell you.

But I think you need to dig into how this ever started and make sure it has stopped. Make it okay for her to be totally honest with you. And that means dont threaten her every time she tells you something about what has happened or what she thought.

damaged71 posted 1/8/2014 11:07 AM

Sorry you are here...

She sounds like she is wanting to patch things up and somewhat compliant. I would do this.

Ask her if she is willing to do anything to make this better.

If she says yes-
Tell her to give you a rundown of their activities in graphic detail. You will want to know this. Trust me you'll want to know.

Ask her if she has told you absolutely everything.

Tell her she has a polygraph scheduled for next week to verify.

Her reaction will tell you how truthful she was.

Trickle Truth will kill you. Each time you get a new fact you didn't know you will get the initial betrayal feeling every time.

If she is anything like every other WW she is lying to you and they have had a PA. Mine lied for almost a year.

OK now posted 1/8/2014 11:31 AM

Tell her she has once chance to tell the truth and if her account contains any lies you will leave her. That puts her on the spot; if she has had sex with the OM and you find out later, then the marriage is in peril. She may decide not to risk it and tell you the truth.

The other option is to demand a polygraph just to try and alarm her into telling the truth. I wouldn't waste money on having one carried out, but its useful as a scare tactic.

NotDefeatedYet posted 1/8/2014 12:30 PM

Get her into counseling now. My wife did the same thing when I found the messages. She was going to spend the night the following weekend. A year and a half later, it happened again with someone new, only this time I didn't catch it in time and, well, I'm sure you can guess what happened.

nick1234 posted 1/8/2014 14:14 PM

I have done most of these thing already. As far as the polygraph test she said she would take one and do anything I needed to prove she didn't have sex with him, but there is still part of me that does not believe her. Maybe because it is so new and a fresh wound?

shatteredapart posted 1/8/2014 14:31 PM

Like Markone WH justified his actions as I wasn't giving him the attention/emotional support he needed and they were just good friends. Excuses. They need to own their decisions. I think you have some hope as your WW as she is saying she wants to prove things to you. Not saying it isn't true but remember words speak louder than actions. I would give anything for my husband to say he would do anything I need to repair our marriage. He says he wants to but he's hung up on feeling like a prisoner. He doesn't realize how much he's hurting our recovery. He does some things right and others so wrong. He's so stubborn.

ZedLeppelin posted 1/8/2014 22:11 PM

Contact his wife and inform her of her husband's actions. This is not about revenge. He could be a serial cheater, and therefore she deserves to know.

Does she work? If not, she goes and gets herself a job tomorrow. If she has enough time to set up an affair, she has time to work.

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