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Should I say something?

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Soverysadtoo posted 1/6/2014 17:39 PM

You can read up on my story from my profile, but basically Dday was only 2 weeks ago. Things have been confusing, but I truly believe he ended it and will have no contact with ow. Of course I will be checking. He didn't tell me how long it's been going on other then to say for a few months. After some digging I have reason to suspect that it's been going on for years. So, should I say something. I'm sure the reason he didnt say is not to hurt me further. But I want the truth. On one hand it's in the past, and I'm ready to move on, does it matter if it was going on for months or years? Should I ask him? Or just move forward?

Markone posted 1/6/2014 17:49 PM

Everyone will have a different view but the ONLY way I would have contemplated R was if I could somehow reason that she lost her mind for a few months and had the A. If it had been years, well, that's a different thing for me -- no temporary abberation there. I wasn't one to gather all of the gory details but knowing the length of the A was important for me to know what I was (trying) to forgive her for.

Soverysadtoo posted 1/6/2014 17:53 PM

The thing is, I think I have already forgiven him... (maybe stupidly) if I know I want R and I know he does too. Do I force the truth? So confused.

Markone posted 1/6/2014 18:02 PM

Gently, I read your profile and it sounds like a lot of rug sweeping to be honest. Two weeks is an incredibly short time to go through the devastation of a D-Day and then a full forgiveness all within two weeks. However, I hope I'm wrong!

Can you answer this ---

What is he DOING to make sure he never does it again?

Kierst13 posted 1/6/2014 18:08 PM

I agree with MarkOne, I think you are rug-sweeping a lot so you don't have to deal with the pain and the reality of what he did.

A very few WS come 100% clean on the first go-round, but it is very rare. Could your WS be one of those, yes, but chances are he is not giving you the truth. It is very likely that he is not telling the truth about length of time, what all happened and how many there were.

Keep your guard up, read everything you can here and keep looking.

Soverysadtoo posted 1/6/2014 18:17 PM

He is being remorseful, and for him that's saying a lot. He immediately told ow about no contact and has given me all Green lights in terms of snooping. When I say I forgiven him I mean I believe him when he tells me that he wants to stay together and never wanted to hurt me. I want to stay with him as well and am very hopeful that our relationship will be better I the future. Am I mad at him? Hell yes! Do I trust him? Hell no! But I'm trying to think positive while we work through this. So back to my original question..

k94ever posted 1/6/2014 18:47 PM

If you need the answer to this question then you need the answer to this question. IMHO the fact you asked us this question means you want to know but are looking for validation that you aren't nuts.

Newsflash....you aren't nuts.

If you don't get the answer to this question it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Switching gears, I HATE it when they tell us "I never meant to hurt you." Yeah....riiiight. If you didn't want to hurt us why have sex with someone else?

Stupid shits.

k9

Getting to Happy posted 1/6/2014 18:52 PM

He didn't tell me how long it's been going on other then to say for a few months. After some digging I have reason to suspect that it's been going on for years.

Infidelity is terrible no matter the time frame.

You will begin to wonder what is the real truth to your past. Trust me. Don't rugsweep your own reality. You have a right to know what happened in your OWN LIFE.

I know that you want to R. It is great that he is giving you all the transparency that you need to move forward...BUT him eking out some of the truth to you is controlling and selfish. He is basically lying by omission. So not so transparent, eh?

He does not want to experience the fallout of a LTA. Who knows, maybe he wants to keep his memories of creeping around to himself. But that is not going to help you. Don't let him keep secrets with his whore.

He needs to respect you enough to make your own decisions with the whole truth. Then and only then can you make an informed decision regarding moving forward with him. Or not...

On one hand it's in the past, and I'm ready to move on, does it matter if it was going on for months or years? Should I ask him? Or just move forward?

Transparency and honesty only count if it is about all things. He does not get to cherrypick what kind of 'truth' he will 'let you know'.

Not cool.

So yes. Keep digging. And continually ask for the whole truth. If he balks then you know how he really feels about you.

The infidelity needs to be dragged into the open where you get to do some forensics on the dead carcass. Remember if there is nothing to hide, then hide nothing!

Hurtful or not, live authentically.

Hugs (((((Soverysadtoo)))))

brkn_heartd posted 1/6/2014 19:27 PM

I am sorry that you are here, but glad you found us. I also read your profile. I am concerned with the speed you are going through this and am also wondering how much rugsweeping is going on. Betrayal hurts and waywards lie. There is so much pain and we want to so much to believe in our partners that have sworn to protect and take care of us. When they deliberately betray us it is unfathomable.

While your husband may have apologized and swear nothing will happen and you believe him, I am going to bet there is more to the story. I believed my husband the first 100 lies. They know us, and they know how to keep us "happy". You said he never lied to you before....he has...every time in the last few weeks (or longer) he was in his A. You just didn't realize it.

Personally, I would want to know the truth. While you still may be committed to R, you have a right to the truth. You do not know the depth he went to in having this affair and hiding it. The truth will help you understand him and the depth of the problem. How can someone fix something if you do not know how broken it is? By not putting the truth out there for you, he is not committing to you and to the R process.

Forgiveness is for YOU, not for him. If you forgave him it is releasing you of some of the pain. Some can forgive easy...some never can.

Please take your time and go slowly!

somanyyears posted 1/6/2014 19:30 PM

..Sovery..

..

After some digging I have reason to suspect that it's been going on for years.

Your question and post made me jump out of my chair!!!

Please.... get the whole truth now!!!!

Without it, you may be setting yourself up for my fate

In 1987, I caught my wife of 15 years in her A with best friend.. she told me then that it had been going on for 2 years(several meetings for bj's)

I believed her, we had 2 children... we rugswept her A and I stayed to keep our young family together.

In 2009 I had a vivid dream about the bfOM and in it, he told me that I didn't have the whole truth. The next morning I asked my W to tell me again about her A and she told me that it actually had begun way back in her first year of university, while we were going steady(HS sweethearts) and the A had lasted 18 years.
I have been a 'basket case' ever since

Now, 40 years of marriage has turned out to be a lie. All of our time tainted and now knowing this best friend was never my friend.

I was completely blown away with this news, wanted to find him and kill him!
Googled his name, only to find that he had died of a brain tumour 3 years prior to the exact day.

Believe me when I tell you to not take what your WH has told you as the truth.. most will minimize like crazy. Get the truth now... polygraph if necessary but get the whole awful truth before you make any decisions about going forward.

prayers go out to you.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:48 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

standinghere posted 1/6/2014 19:42 PM

Forgiveness is great, as is reconciliation, but you can't forgive what you don't know and you can't reconcile when the other person doesn't work on themselves...which requires a lot of work.

You are in the early stages of this.

Over time, you will see what has been done with different eyes and as the truth comes out you may find that it feels different.

He does what he likes, everything is his decision. A well informed and logical decision, but still his.

This sounds like someone who needs a lot of work.


...I don't know what he could not be happy with.

Himself.

It isn't you, or the other women, it is himself. That is and will remain the issue unless it gets worked on and worked on hard.

Soverysadtoo posted 1/13/2014 17:58 PM

I absolutely agree, he needs a lot of work! A Lot! And I understand it will not happen overnight. I'm liking that he is trying hard. Just need to keep working on it. However, so far, I cannot get any details about the A. I don't get the why other then it was exciting and different. It had nothing to do with him and emotions were not involved from his side. He never once thought about leaving, and he was taking precautions to ensure I never find out. (well, that didn't work out for him!)

peoplepleaser posted 1/13/2014 18:15 PM

This sounds very familiar to me. After a month it two I began to have a nagging gut feeling I didn't have everything. I didn't want to believe posters on here that there was a lot more, but I did believe there was something missing. After four months of TT I discovered another EA that was worse than the most recent and it all blew up. I hope that doesn't happen for you. I can tell you that the details only mattered to me insofar as her demonstrating honesty and remorse. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the strength you need to get what you need from WS or take a stand.

inthedark14 posted 1/13/2014 19:57 PM

Just my opinion, if he dsnt wana say how long it's bcuz it's been longer than "few months" cuz if it was very brief why hide it. Also it's Been ONLY 2 weeks, I am 20 days out here and it took my WH about 2 weeks to really tell me sh!t, I knew plenty of stuff just from piecing it together and he still denied it for 2 weeks, typically it takes them some time to tell all the truth IF they ever do

cissi posted 1/13/2014 20:21 PM

However, so far, I cannot get any details about the A. I don't get the why other then it was exciting and different. It had nothing to do with him and emotions were not involved from his side.

If he wanted to have something "exciting and different" then why did he stay with the OW for years? Wouldn't she have gotten old and unexciting? No emotions? You are not getting the whole truth.

The question I have for you is, doesn't it matter to you that it lasted years rather than the few months he told you? It should.

[This message edited by cissi at 8:22 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

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