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Newest Member: Hurt1997 (61143)

User Topic: Remorse? A double-edged sword
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least for me it is. A ONS 20 yrs ago, tears, suicidal thoughts (on his part), patiently answering all my questions and being attentive, being caring and owning his $hit 100%. And guess what? Its not helping me at all. I still see him with her, a strange girl he met at a bar and took to a hotel, had sex with, and left. WHO DOES THAT?! We were happy then, damn it! I start to slide into the anger phase and then I get the "but he's remorseful" thoughts and I feel guilty for being angry. I am MESSED UP! A huge part of me wants to tell him to get the hell out of this house. The other part wants to hold him and tell him it will all be okay. I go from one extreme to the other within minutes of each other. Remorse is great, but it really doesn't do a damn thing to ease the pain.

BS (me) 45; WS, 47
M - 1990; 3 adult children
Too many DDays. Multiple EAs/PAs, ONS, Backpage/Craigs List prostitutes were the final straw. Separated 03/20/17- Divorcing!

Posts: 489 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: On my way UP
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While it is 20 years for him, it is new to you. It is very normal to be feeling what you feel. He has had 20 year to be remorseful for what he did. If you chose to R, know that it is a long and slow process. I personally am on the 5 year plan. I am at 4 years now and there are still some days that I can't hardly stand it. However, at other times things are much better. My husband has been remorseful however, that doesn't take the pain away. It does create some consistency that has helped me slowly develop some trust again.

Be patient with yourself. Expect the roller coaster. You do not have to make a decision now and you do now owe him a decision now. Take your time...decide what it best for you. When you decide, think it out and make sure it is not an emotional decision.

Hang in there...I promise it does get better.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Topic Posts: 2

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