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10 years later my scab was picked off

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fromaztowa posted 1/6/2014 19:42 PM

Okay you guys, I wrote last week about the stupid crap my MIL left for my step-son after her death, which was basically a ton of stuff related to OW.

I thought I was handling it okay, but every day I'm getting worse and worse. I'm not sure if it's because I'm 4 months pregnant, but now I'm weeping all the time again.

All those old thoughts:

Why did he do this
Why am I not enough
How could he possibly love me now
When will it happen again
I should just leave, this is all a huge joke
I'm second best
I'm never going to be special, nothing we have is special
Did you really just have to "get some strange" before you decided I was worth the rest of your life?
I don't want him to perform certain sex acts on me (which is a shame, because one of them is the only way he can make sure I finish)
Everything he told me was probably a lie to make sure I didn't feel hurt

I didn't expect to feel like this again. We've fixed so much, and just like he promised on R day and in his psychologist's office, he has been the best husband in the world to me.

I feel like I'm punishing him again, but I also feel like I have no control over it. I'm pretty close to the grief again.

I started to mention it to him and he explained this is what his mother wanted (which duh, I know), but that really doesn't make me not hurt. I hurt very much, and I really, REALLY, hate pictures of the OW. Especially the pictures of her cuddling the love of my life.

How do I reconcile my crappy boyfriend with my beautiful husband?

I feel broken hearted again. Help me.

[This message edited by fromaztowa at 2:44 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

AML04 posted 1/6/2014 19:46 PM

I wish I could help but I just want to say I am SO sorry you are going through this. His mother is a horrible person. I can't even fathom someone being that disgusting.

What I would do is look at his actions. If his actions over the past years have shown you he loves you and that you are all he needs, let them guide you out of this hole she put you in.


Gottagetthrough posted 1/6/2014 20:24 PM

I am so very sorry, all I can offer is a hug and to tell you Ive felt the same way.

nowiknow23 posted 1/6/2014 20:34 PM

(((((fromaztowa))))) It was a huge slap in the face, honey. Her intent was to wound you deeply. Of course it's hitting you hard! Hang in there. Practice your self-care. Let the feelings come. The only way to get past all of this is to go through it, as sucky as that is.

Sending you strength and comfort.

jstbreathe posted 1/6/2014 20:50 PM

What a witch! (you could replace the w)

Skan posted 1/6/2014 21:42 PM

How about taking all of that stuff, putting it in a fireplace, and setting it on fire. Each of you write a letter to the witch telling her what you think of her and her feeble efforts to derail you, read the letters to each other, and then burn them. A little ritual to cast her out.

I don't blame you for triggering. But you need to get the witch out of your head. You don't want her "winning." Put a mental stake into her and bury her and her evil.

so_lost posted 1/6/2014 22:20 PM

I'm 8 years out and started really struggling again back in April. I don't think you're crazy because that would mean I'm crazy, too:) It's all part of living with infidelity. It doesn't really ever go away, does it? It's all in our heads now. It's all in how we think about it and deal with it.

Try to keep what your MIL did and what your H did separate. She was the insensitive one this time. Her insensitive act just happened to be related to the affair. It could've been anything. Focus on her being rude and inconsiderate and not the affair. As a counselor once told me, it's easy to go back to the affair. It's something we know well and something we know we can get pissed about. On the other hand, do we ever really know how to deal with MILs? Going back to the affair is easier sometimes. Keep the issue about your MIL in the present.

I wonder if your H should talk to his mom about boundaries. Your his W and you deserve respect. She should know that giving your step-son those pics was not cool and should not happen in the future. Either she's really cruel or just totally clueless!

Just wanted to add a link to something I posted back in May. The replies helped me and I hope they can help you, too.

[This message edited by so_lost at 10:38 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

fromaztowa posted 1/6/2014 22:50 PM

Thank you, So_Lost, the link was helpful.

There is no talking to my MIL because she cut us off when we married, but also because she died last year.

She actually willed this crap to a 17 year old...obviously it was her chance to get in one last crappy move .

The affair was her little arrangement to begin with, she didn't want my husband to marry me so she picked someone she
liked better (OW). I put the whole story in my profile.

She was a narcissist and had deep control and persuasion over my DH. I'm glad he broke out of it enough to be with me, but I wish it could have happened sooner.

[This message edited by fromaztowa at 10:53 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

wanttogoforward posted 1/7/2014 09:58 AM

Honey- I had the MIL from hell too!

She tried to break us up when we were dating... saying she thought I would cheat on him... it worked... he dumped me... we got back together.

When he bought the engagement ring .... she asked why he didn't want to date other girls... HE HAD ALREADY BOUGHT THE DAMN RING!!!!! Who the hell asks that!???

When he came home on a break she stuck her nose in and he then cheated on me with another girl- his mom loved that! We broke up.

He realized he made a mistake ( I didn't know he had cheated) and we got back together.

We married without parents there to avoid her interference. When we told her she asked if I was pregnant! That pissed us off.

We moved away for several years and life was great!

We moved back and she started in again.... one day in early January he told me he was leaving me.... walked away.. I thought there was another woman involved and still suspect it... but I suspect him mommy had her nose in our business again too!

Got back together with the agreement to lay down the law finally to his mother and move further away. he did not visit her without me there. He did not discuss our M with her anymore. She was good after that- needed boundaries big time.

It would not have surprised me to have my MIL do the things she has put you through in the first 10 years of our M if she had had the ammo- pictures to use. She really wanted him to either not marry or marry someone with a ton of money- money talked in her world.

You MIL did this to hurt you- AND IT WORKED!! Please stop allowing her to have this power over you from the grave. If it means a few counseling sessions to get some perspective then do that. Sometimes just talking to each other about how messed up she was helps too- my H and I talk a lot about how messed up MIL was and her issues. The fact is her issues are not yours- don't allow her to have such control.

Take back your life! I love the idea of the letters to her and then burning them. It might be healing for all of you. Then move on. Live the life you deserve and make it a good one. Never allow another person to control how you feel about yourself and realize she had to be sick in the head to do these things- it will make you feel sorry for her rather than angry. She is pathetic and needs your sympathy. Feel no guilt over this.... she made her choices in life and death.... do not allow her to make you life choices. Choose to heal and be well!

Those of us with a MIL from hell understand 1000% and are with you in your healing!

cancuncrushed posted 1/8/2014 11:19 AM

Wow. I have had trouble with my MIL for 30 yrs. Thankfully, we have always lived in another state. The one thing she did, was send me letters from other women, some discussing sex in the woods, with H. These were college letters. I never knew him until a coupl years after college. SHe was definitely trying to end us. H was shocked and started seeing how things really were with her...... H laughs it off, but he watches, and discusses things afterward . I get offended, stay angry, then become the better person, every once in awhile I will do something nice for her. Now she is old, and weepy, mentions how she has no part of our families lives. She has shown many of the symtoms mentioned here. SO glad we were far away. Now I wonder how much of H personality is from her?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:20 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Simple posted 1/8/2014 15:11 PM

You're pregnant. I bet it was the hormones. Everything was great for me and then I become pregnant and I was weepy and hurt all over again no matter how great everything really was and that my FWH was doing everything right! I warned my poor FWH and asked him to keep telling me what he'd been doing right and then I have to acknowledge all the things that I've seen that he'd been doing right. I do it mentally too by myself and it helped keep things logical and rational!

Hope that helps.

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