Hi folks. Only second post here.
How do you deal with the anxiety that results from the things you have done and those you MIGHT have done?
I have confessed every indiscretion I can think of in my life to my wife, going all the way down to things like when I cheated on a test in college (long before I met her).
The thing is, everything I think I have everything out, something weird and old pops into my head.
I have been on the straight and narrow path since I confessed in August 2012. I FEEL like such a different and better husband, But sometimes my mind will go to the inappropriate events. When I confessed, it was trickle truth.
Them came the tricking of the "other events". Giving my hotel info to a hooters waitress on a business trip. Fantasizing about taping her younger sister in the shower. A few times going as far as to sniff her sisters panties while she was staying with us, etc. EDIT: nothing physical beyond what I just listed ever happened with her sister.
I freely admit that i was a shitty husband. I risked everything we have built and the love of my wife for stupidity and immature actions.
I accept responsibility for my actions, and want to be better, but I continue to have major anxiety issues over whether or not there are more, even though I can't think of anything.
My wife has forgiven me, and we have been doing well, but I still have such rough days. I take things like enjoying being alone as "not wanting my wide" which just causes more anxiety.
Do I even deserve to be married, or happy? I keep asking myself what kind of man would do this (referring only to myself) but don't find an answer.
I am in IC, but have been for about 9 months and I can't tell if it's working. My anxiety is less than when I started IC, it I still have so many attacks.
If anyone has any encouraging words or advice, please help.
[This message edited by RegretfulHusband at 9:58 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
Me: FWH, 42
Her: BS, 41
Married: 15 years
Together: 20 years
Kids: 2 Boys, 12 & 13
"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."