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Dealing With the Details

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RegretfulHusband posted 1/6/2014 21:56 PM

Hi folks. Only second post here.

How do you deal with the anxiety that results from the things you have done and those you MIGHT have done?

I have confessed every indiscretion I can think of in my life to my wife, going all the way down to things like when I cheated on a test in college (long before I met her).

The thing is, everything I think I have everything out, something weird and old pops into my head.

I have been on the straight and narrow path since I confessed in August 2012. I FEEL like such a different and better husband, But sometimes my mind will go to the inappropriate events. When I confessed, it was trickle truth.

Them came the tricking of the "other events". Giving my hotel info to a hooters waitress on a business trip. Fantasizing about taping her younger sister in the shower. A few times going as far as to sniff her sisters panties while she was staying with us, etc. EDIT: nothing physical beyond what I just listed ever happened with her sister.

I freely admit that i was a shitty husband. I risked everything we have built and the love of my wife for stupidity and immature actions.

I accept responsibility for my actions, and want to be better, but I continue to have major anxiety issues over whether or not there are more, even though I can't think of anything.

My wife has forgiven me, and we have been doing well, but I still have such rough days. I take things like enjoying being alone as "not wanting my wide" which just causes more anxiety.

Do I even deserve to be married, or happy? I keep asking myself what kind of man would do this (referring only to myself) but don't find an answer.

I am in IC, but have been for about 9 months and I can't tell if it's working. My anxiety is less than when I started IC, it I still have so many attacks.

If anyone has any encouraging words or advice, please help.

[This message edited by RegretfulHusband at 9:58 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

kmom2662 posted 1/7/2014 08:01 AM

I know, I feel exactly the same way. I finally trickled out the last bit of truth a few days ago, causing a new world of pain for H. I'm terrified that there is some little detail that I can't recall, that he will find down the road and think I was hiding. There were thousands of lines of chats/emails, so it's hard for me to be sure. Every time H looks worried or upset, especially after he's been gone at work, I worry that he dug something new up (he found most of the actual chats and emails, but a few were permanently deleted. I've tried to give him as much information as i can remember about them, but I know he would really like to see the emails himself). I think I'm almost to the point that I may need to be medicated, at least temporarily, for anxiety. I feel like the worst person on Earth; no amount of disgust my H has for me will match how much I have for myself.

regret12 posted 1/7/2014 08:05 AM

Hi, RegretfulHusband

Welcome, I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome. I'm new still here too and finding it extremely helpful to read others' stories and issues and find I'm not alone.

I think that once the truth comes out, you are so scared and the gates just open. But remember, you are still a normal human being. You are going to have been attracted to OW and you are going to have fantasized about OW. It's natural, it's human nature and IMHO it's private to you. If everyone, went around sharing and confessing every time they had an inappropriate thought, an attraction, etc. then none of us would be innocent. It's acting on those thoughts that get us in trouble.

Best to you

RegretfulHusband posted 1/7/2014 15:36 PM

Thank you KMom and regret.

I see a lot of other posts on here about LTA and such, but I haven't actually seen anyone share a story similar to mine.

It's nice to know I'm not entirely alone.

I too am medicated. I hate having to resort to that, but I have to find a way to balance myself out until my IC and I get to the bottom of everything.

It just bothers me so much that such inconsequential things (like being able to feel my wedding ring on my finger sometimes more than others) leads me to thoughts like "that must mean I no longer want my wife, the mother of my two children."

I want to be better not only for my own peace, but for theirs as well. I want to be whole and present and entirely comfortable without triggering every 5 minutes.

I am willing to do the work to get there. My family is worth it, and I hope I am as well.

kmom2662 posted 1/7/2014 17:07 PM

I know, it sucks. I was expecting my H to trigger from what I've done, but I didn't realize I would too. Mention of a particular book, a city, a turn of phrase, remind me and make me feel awful. And as the wayward spouse, i don't want H to feel like he needs to comfort me; it should be the other way around, so I feel guilty for that too. It's a mess, i hope it gets better with time.

RegretfulHusband posted 1/7/2014 19:23 PM


I feel like what right do I have to be so self-absorbed with me own feelings?!

I am extraordinarily lucky my wife is very accepting, and is ok with me talking when I need to. My IC believes all this (or at least a good portion of it) stems from events that traumatized me around 12.

My wife knows about that too (another TT confession), even though it had nothing to do with her and happened more than 10 years before we even met.

All this to say that all this feeling guilty, etc., only ADDS to my guilt.

I hate this, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to prove that I am not the same person I was, and that my wife still loves me even with all my bad choices.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

FracturedSoul posted 1/8/2014 06:27 AM

May I comment as a BW?

My FWH has been very supportive since dday...he has really been the guy I dreamt of marrying...BUT, sometimes I wonder if he also triggers as much as I do.

I would like to know if something triggers a memory for him. I would like to talk about how it makes him feel. Whenever I trigger he holds me and apologises again, and I know it is sincere. But I would like to be there for him aswell. And as a BW, I don't want to ask whether or not he triggered because I don't want to open up the guilt again.

For example: Let's assume he saw a car that looks like the OW's and he triggered. I would like him to come home and say: Honey, I saw a car like OW's today. It made me think about everything that has happened and reminded me how lucky I am that you are willing to R and forgive. You are my greatest blessing.

Does it make sense?

kmom2662 posted 1/8/2014 08:11 AM

Yes, it makes sense. I'm always a little torn about whether to tell H about being triggered. I feel like it adds to his burden in a way; that it keeps pointing out that the A is still alive in my mind, which makes him feel less secure about R. For a couple of months after d-day, I was having almost physical cravings for contact with AP. Those thankfully have faded away almost entirely, but I had a hard time admitting it to H, both because they scared the hell out of me, and because I thought it would make him suffer more. He says he wants me to tell him things, and I have been, but I hate to. Guilt either way, pain either way, sucks either way.

RegretfulHusband posted 1/8/2014 09:30 AM

I agree, sucks either way.

I am still trying to find a way to deal with my triggers. As in, letting them come into my mind and then float out again, without letting them impact me as much.

My wife can see face, mood and body language when I am triggering , so One of the tools my IC recommended was just to tell her "yes I am dealing with something right now, but I can't rationalize. It at true moment. If and when I can I will talk to you about it if you want me to."

And that's the thing - it's if [bold]she[/bold] wants me to talk to her.

As much as it hurts me, and as selfish as it is to think of myself, I really need to do what SHE needs me to do.

I have no problem talking with her about things, I just worry that sometime it will push her over the edge to where she just doesn't want to deal with me anymore.

And THEN, my mind being in the screwed up place that it is, takes THAT thought and goes to completely irrational places like "gee, maybe my subconscious is TRYING to push her away" which just leads to more stress and more triggers.

It's a vicious circle, but one I have to go through I guess. I owe her so much more than what I feel I can give...

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