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MairISaoirse posted 1/7/2014 00:02 AM

I wish I knew what I knew everything now, that I didn't know then, before my affair. I wish I knew that I needed fixing, that I knew how to communicate better.

I see all of these possibilities, all these ways to make things better and have a real great relationship, and I cant even get my BF to take me back completely.

Feeling hopeless right now.

astudentoflife posted 1/7/2014 05:35 AM

MairI, I feel for you.

I believe you are very young, and it is a fact your brain will keep developing until you are 25. As will your boyfriends. That is why I believe you made youthful mistake and you have learned from that mistake. I don't put you in the same leauge as people like myself, 52 years old, who knew better.

From reading your past posts, I don't think your boyfriend has matured to a point that you have yet. Really, threesomes after saying how much he doesn't trust you, yada yada. Him not being open, and from your accounts he never has been. He is no more able to have a comitted relationship than you have to this point. I still don't think you got the truth about his ex or the naked girl in the bed, sorry.

Cut your losses.move forward with your life and don't make the same mistakes again. There will be many many opportunities for you in the romance department. You made a mistake and you learned from it. You have put in the effort to change it and it has gained you perspective. We all learn in that manner. Some may have had the ability to not make mistakes and learn, I didn't however. We are all very similar we humans.

Don't keep beating yourself up about this. You are a human being who is going through the process of life and you are doing well learning your lessons. See who else is out there, I'm sure you will be amazed at the possibilities. Leave your boyfriend to make his own mistakes and find his own way.

The fact you are on this board, asking questions, sharing info on yourself, doing the self searching is evidence that you are not a cheater and a scoundrel. Give yourself a break.

If you are religious (I am not by the way) and you need absolution and will accept it from a mere human then you are absolved. You made a young mistake (yep, I stand by that) and you don't need to twist yourself into knots over it and you need to enjoy your life with your new found knowledge about life and love. You never made a marriage comittment, which of course puts a slight different spin on things, but not in your case. I believe your boyfriends immaturity will ruin the gains in self knowledge that you have made. Run.

Yes my last bit was tongue in cheek, hope I didn't offend anyone, but it seems you are needing to be told it is okay, you are okay, you can move on and feel fine about it. You can.

SlowUptake posted 1/7/2014 06:02 AM

I don't put you in the same leauge as people like myself, 52 years old, who knew better.

Amen to that! With a slight modification to 'should have known better'.

MairISaoirse, whether you move on or not, you have learnt a life lesson and progressed in your growth as a human being, at a young age, where the fallout from your bad choices is minimal.

Cut yourself some slack.
Must admit, I feel a bit envious of you, because I wish I knew at your age what you know now.

Wishing you well on your journey through life.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:08 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

astudentoflife posted 1/7/2014 06:03 AM

Hi again, I was browsing the site and caught your post about PMS. Of course I can't say anything about PMS, I guess that is one reason to be grateful to be a man, that is one thing I don't have to deal with, and my thoughts go out to those of you who do. It must be so hard to handle.

However, I keep reading what I believe is your gut telling you what you need to do. MairI, I believe you know the right course of action. Feelings of guilt, which are healthy (remorse) can be overwhelming and keep you in a place that is not good for you.

It is true, I have a daughter about a year younger than you. Unfortunately she won't share her experiences with me, I guess because I am her dad. The advice I would give her is the advice I have given you. Stop beating yourself up over an experience that is simply part of life. Move forward with the knowledge gained from it and realize that you are young adult, with a brain that is not quite developed yet. It is normal and natural.

I once had an "affair" as a single other man for a woman who was 45. I was young, 22 I think. I never even thought about her boyfriend, because I thought that she had the right to simply not be his girlfriend anymore. I had no idea about relationships. I wasn't bad or evil. I was immature and my brain hadn't finished it's growing yet. I had a lot to learn in my future years. Hopefully I have now.

Let it go MairI. Live your life with lessons learned. I hear my daughters voice tearing herself up for growing out of a situation and it makes me feel for you.

Of course there are those on here who believe differently than I do. More power to them and I respect their opinion, I won't however stop from giving mine. You are young and not fully matured yet, because of biology, and you don't fit into the mold most SI waywards fit into. This tying yourself into knots is not healthy nor productive. Live and learn. Go on your own way.

astudentoflife posted 1/7/2014 06:10 AM

Hi slow, I thought you might be one of those who thought different to me. I don't want to step on any toes here, because I respect my SI brothers and sisters.

I admit I am a born again moralist about waywards, because I was old enough to know better. I think we are both on the same page as that. It really is because I have a daughter MairI's age that I am so intent on getting her to see that she is not in the same boat as you and I and others here.

I do make a distinction because of age, because it is biologically sound. People make mistakes when they are young to prepare them for the future. I think MairI is a perfect example of that and frankly, I think she is a shining example of someone who is learning from her mistakes and growing as a person.

I would be proud of you if you were my daughter MairI. You will make a fine partner to someone someday. I just don't think you have found that someone yet.

SlowUptake posted 1/7/2014 06:24 AM

Hi astudentoflife

Yes I agree, one of the many things I have come to realise is age doesn't necessarily bring wisdom.
I relate to MairISaoirse like you, because I have a 27 year old daughter whose been through the whole 'learning by mistakes' as a young adult and a daughter whose 16, about to go through the process.
I hope the stress levels are bit lower this time around.

Just started her first after school job yesterday, mum & dad were so proud.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:27 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

astudentoflife posted 1/7/2014 06:48 AM

Just started her first after school job yesterday, mum & dad were so proud.


Mine is finishing her college degree in behavior science, she wants to work at HMS prisons and I am a little scared for her. She is a very strong young woman though.

I look back at myself at MairIs age I think "what the hell was I thinking?" Really, that older woman's boyfriend was begging me to lay off and I thought it wasn't his right because she had made up her mind. How naive, dumb and immature was I? I wouldn't go back to that age for love nor money.

To finish that little story. When she started talking about people out to kill her, that her guns were being sent to her by the CIA and one day I got to her house to find her with a .44 magnum...I was done and scared.

Unfortunately MairI, unlike you I did not learn till much later in life.

MairISaoirse posted 1/7/2014 21:17 PM

ASOL- hello there, nice to hear from you again!

and I want to thank you both so much for the support

things are just so frustrating right now

Kap12 posted 1/8/2014 13:42 PM

MairISoire--- I can totally relate to wishing about knowing what you know now. I say that 100 times a day to myself. My BS and I are working on reconciling but I am so beating myself up for the things I have done and the position it has out me in today. I feel your pain but just take a breath and take it step by step. We are all here to help.

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