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A Different Partner After D-Day

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hetres posted 1/7/2014 04:51 AM

I have discussed my dicovery

and lead up to our first day of couple's counseling

Elsewhere on this site.

I must say, the first day of counseling seemed to be a disaster to me. I mean the counselor mostly just listened to us and then tried to repeat to us, or put into words, what she was seeing and hearing. (I talked with the counselor afterward and she explained that she was verbalizing the things she is getting from us now. It doesn't mean we have previously or always been like this, or even that our relationship has to be over)

She said that is seems my WGF checked out of this relationship a long time before the A. She said it seemed that I was being desperate to stay in the relationship.

The thing that confuses me is that my WGF seems like a totally different person than the woman I was with for 5 1/2 years.

She lied about the length of the A to the counselor. (I have proof it started well before she said) She trivialized the things she was doing with the AP. But she admitted that both the AP and herself now have feelings for each other.

She indicated things that were important to her that she has never indicated where that important. Even when I have specifically brought them up before in the past.

She brought things up to the counselor and focused on tiny details of our relationship. She thought in specific instances I wasn't doing the exact gentlemanly, sweet, thoughtful thing that she wanted, but she also didn't want to have to tell me that those are the things she wanted. She also indicated that all the other gentlemanly, sweet, thoughtful things I was doing didn't matter.

She kept indicating that we just weren't having enough fun (like she does with the AP), even though I have specifically tried to engage in the activities she is doing with the AP. She always resists me. We used to have crazy fun effortlessly when we first met, but it seemed to me that it was new dating excitement. Not the type of constant fun a committed long term partner has with a serious career and home life.

She says that she has been this way, missing all these things, for a long time. She says she is unwilling to compromise. She says it should have been obvious to me that something was wrong and I shouldn't be surprised by the A.

What gets to me is that this past year (which started with her sincere desire to work on our relationship and communication) I thought has been wonderful. We have been extremely happy (As far as I knew). We have been doing more "date" activities that a new couple would. We had a wonderful two week vacation. We have been having more small day adventures. We have been compromising in our work schedules, in our sex life, in our free time, etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the person who showed up to counseling is a totally different person than the one I knew. This is not the person with whom I have been with for 5 1/2 years. This is not the person I have been with this year.
This is not the person who seemed so appreciative of all the support I was giving her during the stressful two months that led up to the A. (Once the A really began the support from me continued, but the appreciation died) I just don't know this person. The person I was with couldn't hurt someone like she has hurt me, couldn't lie about an A for so long. She couldn't go on spontaneous get-aways with friends (include the AP) while we were figuring out what to do. She wasn't the person who could be "sad" I moved out, but okay with it less than 24 hours later. She is treating our relationship like a broken bike: oh well time to get a new one. The person I have been sharing my life with had a real deep emotional connection with me.

steadfast1973 posted 1/7/2014 06:37 AM

She's still in the fog. Possibly still engaging in the A. Still justifying.

Skan posted 1/7/2014 17:02 PM

Until she's ready to be truthful with the MC, then you are probably wasting your time paying for it. You may be better off paying for IC for you at this point. Because she's lying to the MC which means that the MC has nothing to work with.

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