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Just found heart aches

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ScaredMama posted 1/7/2014 07:30 AM

So I found out that my spouse of 6 years has had a girlfriend for the last 4 months. On Dec 28, he was supposed to be out watching a UFC fight with his friends. I was supposed to work at 7am the next day. I put our 4 year old and our 7 mo old to bed and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning for work and realized that he never came home. I had to drag my mom out of bed at 5 am to watch my kids. I had everyone out looking for him. He called me at work and said that his friend got into a fight and they went to jail. My friend is a cop and told me he found no record of this. One of his friends actually texted me and told me about the other woman. I sent this girl a message and she confirmed the whole thing. He even took my children around her. I'm so heartbroken. He started seeing her when my daughter was 2 months old because he wasn't getting enough attention. I don't even know where to go from here. I can't eat or sleep. I'm so nauseated all the time. I want to work it out for my daughters but I'm just so hurt. I can't believe that he thought jail was a better option than admitting the affair. We both have great careers and go to church regularly. I have no clue what to think or do.

SoVerySadNow posted 1/7/2014 08:07 AM

because he wasn't getting enough attention

No, this ^ isn't why. He's broken- broken people sometimes can't feel satisfied with any amount of attention. Maybe he is selfish- maybe spoiled, maybe feels entitled- none of that is your fault.

I'm sorry you've had to join our club here. But there are nice people here that have been where you are, have felt what you are feeling.

Obviously, he has to go no contact (NC) with the girlfriend immediately. You can supervise a NC letter that he writes.
Try to eat, drink water, tea, gator aid. Rest.

Read the articles in the healing library (found in the yellow box, upper left) and know that you don't have to make any decisions right away.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 8:08 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

lovedmesomehim posted 1/7/2014 08:10 AM

Hi Mama;

This is a horrible thing that has happened to you and I am sorry you are here. You have landed in a good and safe place though.

It is going to seem impossible right now, but I am going to tell you to take care of yourself and with a new baby, you probably haven't done much of that.

Then I am telling you to take care of your babies. They are the ones that need you to be calm and sane.

Your WH (wandering husband) has hurt you to the core and has acted selfishly. You spoke to the woman involved and whatever she told you...there may possibly be more. Try to be prepared for that.

Having life changes makes some of these guys get selfish and losing the attention of a wife due to childbirth is high on the list of stressors.

It doesn't matter. You did nothing wrong and you must believe that. This is allllll on him. Take some time to gather your wits about you, as you will have questions. He will tell you a few things, but more than likely he will hide much, in an attempt to minimize this mess.

If you have not done so, read in the FAQ in the yellow box at the left and read everything in the Healing Library that you can absorb. This is going to be tough for a long time.

You don't have to do anything just now. Try not to upset yourself more than you can help it. I am so sorry he did this, but no matter what else happens, you will be fine. You have to be, because your babies depend on you.

Take a shower and eat something. Someone else with more experience will be along to help. In the meantime, continue to read and post. Others will be here to check on you.

Don't be scared, honey. Be strong.


mj052 posted 1/7/2014 11:15 AM

Good morning!! First of all- I'm so sorry this has happened to you!! Being cheated on by the person who you trusted the most numbs your body and soul!! When I first found out- I had to remind myself to breath- and I had no idea how I was going to survive one minute to the next!! The pain and sadness was overwhelming!! But- I survived and so will you!!!

Please realize that none of this is your fault!!!! Your husband is weak and damaged!! The next few months you will be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions!!! All of this is completely normal!! Please- please take care of yourself!! You're the only one who matters!! And your child needs you!!! I was where you were- my kids needed me and I had to hold it together for them!!

Decisions can come later once the shock begins to fade. My best advice is- don't blame yourself- take care of you- take one day at a time- and realize that you are in fact a strong person!! Please post often- do something nice for yourself everyday!! Talk to a friend- you can trust!! There are a lot of people here- who really care!!!! Hugs to you!!:)

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