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so i'm back what

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3birds posted 1/7/2014 08:00 AM

i found out Jan 1, 2014. Happy effen new year!

I could not stay in this house filled with lies so I left to stay with friends until yesterday when I came back home. I did come home each day to talk with him, scream, cry, yell, cry, cry. that helped me to leave because I was in control of when I came home, how long I would stay, when I saw him, etc.
so I'm was very good to be home and it's so confusing to want to feel your husbands arms around you to console you when he's the very reason you need the comforting in the first place. it was nice just for him to sit and hold me. we didn't talk, we just held each other for a very long time.
Its our normal routine to kiss each other before we leave the house or go to bed. I can't do that and it's very weird. we always say we love each other and I have only been able to whisper that a few times.
I can't get in to the counselor until thur...
so I'm I supposed to continue to cook him dinner each night and have chit chat and ask him how his day went? it honestly boils my blood and makes my heart ache at the same time. that I'm supposed to continue to do my part....for what? he's going to a counselor as well hopefully sometime this week. he's making the appointment today.
how are you supposed to start to re-build when it just hurts too much and your brain just plays continuous tricks on you, swirling with all the thoughts and emotions and feelings and anger and exhaustion.
I'm sleeping in the other bedroom. I can't share a bed with him. mostly because I don't want him to think in the least this is over and it's life as usual (not that I think he does) but he has to earn me back. he has to SHOW me he is vested in this relationship, in this marriage. I can't trust his words right now. his actions have to speak volumes.
he's being kind, loving open honest remorseful regretful of my pain and tells me that a lot. he holds me and comforts me when I start crying and go in to one of my tailspins.
this sucks. I just want this to all go away and my husband and best friend back. if only it were that easy....

heartbroken303 posted 1/7/2014 08:38 AM

So sorry to see you here. I joined a month ago or so, and a lot changes in that time and that may be your experience.

.am I supposed to continue to cook him dinner each night and have chit chat and ask him how his day went?

I personally wouldn't. I used to do things like that for my wife, and it stopped on D-Day #2. Cook dinner for yourself and your kids if you have them. But if it feels fine for you to cook for him then by all means do so.

Personally I think your part would be 100% focusing on getting yourself better and being there for any kids. I exclude my WS from a good portion of my life. I meditate, I have new friends, I go out alone and leave her home alone. In my case the OP coward lives in another state.

One thing I did was to delete every cheater or non-remorseful prior cheater from my social circles like Facebook, and that included my wife.

I personally do what I want now. I especially love it when somebody asks me to do something with them 'if it's OK with my wife'. I always reply 'I'll do whatever I want'.

Lionne posted 1/7/2014 12:27 PM

Many members have found solace in practicing something called "The 180" I did a form of this before I found SI. The thing to remember is that it is FOR YOU. Not a way to punish your WS, but a way to protect you from further hurts while you figure out what is happening and what you want to do.

Here's a link. Scroll down until you see "The 180"


naivegirl posted 1/7/2014 12:32 PM

I don't think I would cook. Maybe just order out with his money. It was hard enough for me to function let alone cook. Their are some great books out there. After the Affair and Not Just Friends were helpful to me.

Getting to Happy posted 1/7/2014 12:37 PM

If you are trying to R with your WH. I am not so sure that doing a full press 180 is for you.

But he should feel what it would be like to not have you there. He kinda fired you from those jobs.

so I'm I supposed to continue to cook him dinner each night and have chit chat and ask him how his day went? it honestly boils my blood and makes my heart ache at the same time. that I'm supposed to continue to do my part....for what?

I did this^^^ I work part time and I like to have a nice home. Dinner ready, house is clean, laundry is know, normal. BUT things are not normal. And you had nothing to do with that...your WH made a unilateral choice to nuke your life and home with his horrific choices. Thanks Pal!

So as much as you are used to doing things for him, drop that shit for now. Focus on you. Let him swing in the wind. Why would you be nice to your betrayer??

Make sure that what you are looking at is true Remorse. Not Regret. Is he sorry that he treated you like a stranger and crapped on your marriage or is he just sorry that you found him out? HUMMM... It's his actions not his words that will speak the truth. Time will tell.

He needs to woo you back to him. Think of all the energy he had to sneak around, contact and have sex with some slut all whilst hiding it from you. That was a draconian task! He need to pour all of that energy into you, making you feel better, comforting you, consoling you, dealing with his poor coping skills and boundaries...

I made the mistake of 'acting normal'. It sent the wrong signal to Mr. Happy. HE thought everything was 'good'. So when I had my psychotic moments, when my brain was painfully re-writing my new reality, he did not understand and become frustrated. "GTH! You just made me a fabulous meal and all of my skid marked drawers are clean and put away...Why are you mad at me??? I thought we were done talking about what a effin' douche' I am...???"

Your paradigm has changed. Things are NOT normal. There is a lot of work in R. R is a gift that is cautiously given to the WS. Trust and fealty need to be re-built.

This takes time.

There are some stages that you will go through. No matter what he does, whether you R or D. Read up on the 5 stages of grief. You will surly go through them. Better to be aware of what is coming your way so you don't think your head is going to pop off from the pain and sadness of this shitfest.

None of it is easy or fair. Just know that you did not cause any of this. This betrayal is 100% his issue and only his to figure out and 'fix'.

I wish you peace and clarity in the days to come.


meplusfour posted 1/7/2014 12:40 PM


Right now, focus on caring for yourself. Personally, I would only do what I wanted to do. Do not worry about what you are supposed to do, do what you need to do. If you are hungry, make yourself a meal. So not worry about making meals, doing laundry, keeping this normal. Are you taking care of yourself~getting enough sleep, eating properly, exercising, not overindulging in alcohol. If you have having trouble sleeping, consider seeing your primary care physician and asking for medications.

I'm not clear whether your WH has made a full and complete confession. Do you have complete transparency (access to his cell phone, computer, laptop, and passwords for the same)? Has he established no contact (NC) with the affair partner (AP)?

Finally, give yourself some time to recover or make decisions in haste. Those first days were a blur to me. I often felt that I was participating in a play, that this was not the reality of my left. I felt lost and disjointed and felt that I could not trust my own judgment. Discovering that the person who was supposed to have been your safe place was in fact, your betrayer, is a huge blow. It changes you to the core. Your faith in yourself and your perceptions is shaken. But please know, that you in no way are responsible for what has happened to you, that you are a worthy person and that you will get through this.

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